Shopping for Churches

...This was quickly followed by the minister's assurance that the Presbyterians had decided, in effect, that the son of God was slightly mistaken...

...0 ur next visitation was a small Episcopal church...

...At the end of the service we felt again as if we had crashed a wake, though this time we were invited to stay and eat with the survivors...

...Anyone who breaks into a sweat in church these days must have done something really bad, and done it several dozen times...

...The minister—a man in his mid-forties with a subtle air of moral superiority—told the harrowing tale of a pair of college evangelists who had actually knocked upon a dormitory door and asked the occupant if she had been "saved...

...Our first church was within easy walking distance, but we drove there anyway...

...Quietly we took our seats in the round sanctuary...

...He promised a similar deal would eventually be cut regarding ordination of practicing homosexuals...

...Better yet, the weekly bulletin announced that the speaker at the men's dinner would be a rep from the NRA...

...They would quote Scripture even as the heathen armies were pulling out their intestines with rusty ice tongs...

...She wore the look of an exasperated missionary introducing a native to a spoon and fork...

...Two of the three Presbyterian churches we visited featured female ministers, reminding me of the increasing influence of women in my old profession, daily newspaper journalism...

...It was not the kind of stern admonishment that made one afraid for one's soul—nor glad that one had skipped a fishing trip to receive the word (though our teenage son could now consider Baptist Sunday School as a possible place to pick up girls...

...Our first Presbyterian house of worship was open and breezy like a beach house, suggesting that perhaps Jesus and Jehovah are surfer dudes...

...why not be equally rigorous in the search for an institution that purports to speak to eternal matters...

...We still visit that church from time to time, but our search for the right fit continues...

...A folk church...

...It was a small Presbyterian congregation, and on the day of our first visit we discovered the minister standing outside and greeting people—while smoking a cigarette...

...Our leader declared himself "offended" by such crude proselytizing...

...is hardly a phrase exclusive to journalism...

...I was raised a Presbyterian, and well remember those blaring pipe organs and fiery lakes the size of Kansas—and well-stocked lakes at that...

...One half expected Barney the dinosaur to come hopping down the aisle wearing a top hat and twirling a cane...

...The choir sang sweetly, though, unlike the Colorado church we attended before moving East, the choirmistress did not wear a backless dress — a spiritual aid that keeps some congregants' minds in the ecclesiastical ballpark...

...There were "amens" from this crowd, which remained fully engaged even as the service stretched past an hour and a half...

...Having developed a middle-aged aversion to outward displays of emotion, however, I still didn't think the place was quite right for us, at least not for regular attendance...

...That was more than thirty years ago...

...Next it was on to the Presbyterians—the glorious denomination of old that has lost members faster than a Jim Jones cult on Cyanide Day...

...Perhaps, he suggested ever so gently, there really is something to the idea that men and women should marry before having children...

...The minister seemed to have consulted a focus group that had given him but one instruction: don't "go negative...

...but just the very next week, the assistant minister, a gaunt and attractive priestess, advisedthe congregation to join Marian Wright Edelman on the Washington Mall for the "Stand for Children" rally...

...Sermons should not sound like Ben Stein forced to read a USA Today editorial aloud...

...So long as the divorcing parties show true concern and perhaps remorse over the split-up, the church would gladly remarry them...

...52 December 1996 • The American Spectator Now, alas, the Presbyterians have lost over half their membership in the past couple of decades...

...to make a pitch to save souls, however, was offensive...

...I am all for ordaining women, especially pretty ones, and here the presiding priestess delivered a pleasant enough message about how the church must reach out to bring others into the fold...

...Sure enough: no sooner had we taken our seats than a group of unrobed choristers entered, and one unholstered a guitar...

...In the newsroom the editors most enthusiastic about purging copy of "forbidden" words—welsh, midget, dwarf, nut-bag—were card-carrying members of the fairer sex...

...The robust preacher appeared fully capable of thundering about mankind's wormish tendencies, yet our hopes for a morning of fire-breathing were quickly dashed...

...Ain't it the truth...

...This is fine for some, but doesn't the Good News itself promise that most will not enter the Kingdom—which, at the least, is a tragedy of unfathomable proportions...

...Give him a hug...

...It seemed apt enough, then, that the title of the message delivered during our visit was "The Whore of Babylon...

...There were, however, many people of various colors and a nearly full parking lot, save for the four or five spaces reserved for "First Time Visitors...

...Our pew mate, a young woman of moderate beauty, bumped me at least twice with the kneeling rail before I understood to move my legs enough to allow its descent from the back of the forward pew...

...Congregants greeted us warmly as we entered their sanctuary, which closely resembled a high school gymnasium...

...You see," our speaker pointed out with a poker face, "we were able to take the middle ground, which has kept our church from splitting apart...

...One Sunday we learned that "Get Me Rewrite...

...These youngsters even went so far as to ask their host to join them in prayer...

...Our gray-haired minister's roar would echo off the enormous stone walls of the church, often as not about the lack of temperance among his faithful: "Yes...

...On to our next oasis, where we learned that the only people in danger of an eternal sulfur bath are the orthodox...

...Many were moved to tears...

...We did not partake of communion, which may have further unnerved her...

...Our demands were humble: A good speaker and sound system (choir) without much chatter about talking serpents, old Nick, and just how they fit all those animals and insects into the Ark...

...Nor was a single word of greeting offered by the other parishioners...

...You could easily imagine that, should Saint Paul materialize with his ancient cudgel, most all of the clergy would stick their fingers in their ears as the audience shouted, "He's angry...

...1,4 The American Spectator • December 199 6 53...

...Even so, the pearls of wisdom fell on deaf ears, though perhaps we were asking for a frosty reception...

...After returning to the East Coast last year, our family of footloose Protestants set out to find the ideal house of worship...

...Ffinally we came across a place where there was no blush wine or theological whining...

...At the end of the service she fled at a near dash, as if she'd been seated beside Old Scratch himself...

...Accordingly, a church seems the wrong spot for a hootenanny...

...You must have your al-co-hol111111...

...Yet my wife pointed out that there were only forty-seven worshippers at the main service...

...The minister included remarks about the likelihood of anti-Christian persecution in America's future...

...One hates to take away from that, but it is true that the selection appeared to be White Zinfandel...

...7 ve always found the wailing about "religious consumerism" an odd complaint...

...He did not want to single out any one person or groups of people, he assured us...

...We left feeling as if we had crashed a wake...

...The minister read scriptural passages in which Jesus endorsed the idea that divorce should not be pursued save in cases of adultery, adding that remarrying divorced people would cause them to commit adultery...

...No one had left his emotions home on this Sunday morning...

...It is apparently acceptable to lobby for the welfare state...

...A round room is perfect for contemplating seamless garments, Alphas and Omegas, and the like —but, as we were soon reminded, it is also the shape of a porridge bowl...

...Nor was he desirous to pass judgment, or make anyone feel uncomfortable...

...We very eagerly seek the best auto repair shop, the most comfortable tavern, the fitness instructor most likely to trim away our excess flab...

...By Dave Shiflett 5 DAVE SHIFLETT is a writer living in Northern 1 Virginia...

...We decided to confine our search to various branch offices of the Church Universal within a five-square-mile area of Northern Virginia...

...The message takes on a special poignancy when one considers that, according to one pew poll, only 17 percent of Episcopalians attend services in any given week...

...Many of them were elderly, and the only teenager was ours...

...So we kept up the hunt, chancing some weeks later upon a place with great appeal...

...Our marketing representative from Baptist Lite merely mumbled a meek warning against getting knocked up...

...Zounds...

...With his flock thus exempted from embarrassment or even the slightest twinge of shame, our leader finally arrived at his subject, which was to ask that we consider the possibility that the soaring rate of illegitimacy might be something of a national problem...

...Somewhere we'll find just the right blend of mellowing out and hellfire—and if not, maybe we'll cook up our own denomination...

...Not many years ago, a typical Baptist preacher—for this indeed was a suburban Baptist church—would routinely offer a thunderation against sex outside of marriage, and would do so to general approval...

...The choir here was pretty good, however, and unlike the other churches we attended this one actually offered real wine at communion...

...The Promise Keepers had passed through town the weekend of our visit, and several congregants were overcome asthey recounted their experiences, all of which brought to mind a paradox: While often denounced for lack of intellectual rigor, these folk hold to the ideas tradition and experience have made available to them with great tenacity...

...Yet neither was there a drum beater, electric guitarist, or saxophone tooter: now-common features of many modern services...

...Meanwhile, one remembers the Son of Man commenting that he had no place to lay his head...

...Likewise, the desire not to offend has led to a general uninterest in making sinners tremble and quake...

...It was an unapologetic sermon, as must be the case when the mystical and fierce Book of Revelation is the topic...

...A wheelchair-bound man in his twenties gave a brief testimonial about the hope and strength religion had brought during his life of pain and struggle...

...The revelations just kept coming...

...The 14-yearold observed that a minister unafraid of death must have some degree of confidence in his product...