Ben Stein's Diary / Cather Ye Rosebuds
Stein, Benjamin J.
Gather Ye Rosebuds by Benjamin J. Stein Sunday have journeyed across the country to / be with my mother and father for Mother's Day. Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be...
...You have to be nice and not trick him and not start arguments and treat him like you would like to be treated...
...Then I thought, wait a minute...
...What nonsense...
...One of the great myths of this country is that all the bad people work for the government...
...When your fist goes by his face, give a loud grunt, and that makes it seem real, and it also puts air in your lungs and oxygen in your cells to keep you from getting sore...
...Clint Eastwood, not Jerry Lewis...
...Put me down...
...Not a sound...
...That's what makes men get married...
...My Daddy plays the voice of Casper," he said...
...I can barely write at all without a computer, to tell you the truth...
...For the entire last three decades, Hollywood has ground out movies and TV shows about how the feds are crooks and thugs and cannot ever be trusted...
...Usually, to work at TAS, you have to take many secret blood oaths and go through a long period of training with the Montana Militia...
...Lorna, the beauty in the Edgewater's cafe, carefully studied his little dirty foot and massaged his toe...
...I mean, he's the one with all of the money...
...It has to do with Mothers and Fathers and newspapers...
...Still, it's a small part...
...It's absurdly cheap to buy a congressman's vote...
...As I look around the room at all the other kiddies with their parents of all ages, I realize that what's in the newspapers has almost nothing to do with what's important...
...Tommy found a picture book for Casper, the Friendly Ghost, the new movie I have a tiny part in...
...But Little Mr...
...That's so much more than I can readily afford that it's almost insane...
...I liked sitting with all of those beautiful girls...
...Wednesday N ow I'm reading about "tort reform...
...You know, wrestling with me...
...Anyway, my mother and father and I are talking about people we have known who are now absent, and my mother suddenly says, "Chance favors the prepared mind...
...It's a staple of TV shows and movies that the local cops are good guys, but the feds—often BATF—come in and screw things up by their high and mighty tactics...
...Thursday A difficult day...
...He sort of led me through it...
...This means kissing that's on the cheek, or "air kissing," or some other kind of kissing meant to express affection but not romance, but really expressing contempt and social distance...
...It was strange, but I felt weirdly light on my feet when I got up to go to the ceremony...
...When I first moved into The Shoreham Towers more than five years ago, he was a god...
...Did he ever offer to pay my rent...
...Then, past the beautiful maples of Frogtown Road to Dulles Airport, and then onto American Airlines Flight 75—where no one dropped a single thing on my head—and then home again, home again, jiggety-jog...
...I'm going to call it the S.S...
...But does he pay for gas...
...I have to look out for number one...
...That's a lot...
...That's the ticket...
...Now he—of all people—is telling us that it's wrong to criticize federal agents and to undermine people's faith in the federal government...
...An American woman said Sacha celebrated two birthdays: his natal birthday, and the day in 1979 that he defected...
...The monster's name is Rosebud...
...This is also nice...
...This is her new shtick: in the strangest moments, inserting a bon mot or an aphorism or a cliché, without any explicit explanation of just why that particular comment belongs in the flow of conversation...
...Randy, whatever you say," I said...
...It's all human nature...
...After much struggle, we settled on a twelve-foot HarborMaster and a 6-h.p...
...You're kidding," I said...
...I love them for it...
...Wednesday H ere I am on the set of "Earthworm Jim...
...In my experience, the great bulk of immorality about money is to be found in the corporate board rooms of bigtime companies...
...His wife worked her little heart out trying to paint a Republican president as a felon...
...Then he began to hate his "career...
...Hmmm...
...And Bill Clinton...
...Lobbying is money very well spent...
...He just wants me to service him...
...On my way out, I stopped to talk to a madly flirtatious little cherub named Stacie, who was personing the captain's desk...
...The real estate...
...They weren't perfect, but at least they harassed the bad guys...
...He ignored her and would not talk to her...
...It's a tough world out there...
...Show me any other restaurant in the world where a waitress would do that for a little boy...
...I think maybe you should get married first, and then have the baby, and then maybe it would have a more straightforward feel about it...
...Most of all, it's about envy...
...We're at the Cosmos Club and she's with a lot of other Moms, and we're all eating from the buffet, and I have a thought...
...It's basic human feelings...
...After brunch, I walked to Georgetown...
...Plus, anyone with Tommy is rich...
...More like a studio on Ventura Boulevard...
...That's a great name," I agreed...
...He ran for president accusing George Bush of using the mighty federal engine to ruin the lives of the poor...
...Don't get me wrong...
...I said I'd try to help, but I don't know...
...Generosity of spirit...
...He was pleasantly fey...
...Just follow my instructions and remember it's not real...
...On my way up to Sandpoint I read something in New York magazine about how backward the people in Idaho are...
...Someday, all of that will just be a memory...
...Women were always flocking around him...
...I bought him a boat...
...It's about the protection of the executives and accountants who paid the campaign contributions that made it happen...
...I walked into my favorite restaurant, the Sequoia, on the water in Benjamin J. Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Malibu and Hollywood...
...He had a number of disciplinary problems...
...My favorite TV show, "The Marshal," is almost always about how secret government powers are ruining innocent people's lives, helping mad bombers, making deadly nerve gas in violation of international conventions...
...It will be as if it never happened, and that warm spot will be cold...
...More and more and more vodka...
...You're on the first page of the book," he said...
...Johnson...
...I think we should talk about what he's going to do for me instead of all this talk about making him little dinners...
...How dare Hollywood tell us that it's immoral to depict federal government agents as dangerous people...
...It's a big moment for all of us...
...and (2) Thou shalt be grateful for what the Lord has given thee—which is how I interpret the command that "Thou shalt have no other gods before me...
...Real estate...
...Now that the lake is ice-free, he gets it...
...She can remember Armistice Day, even though she was just a toddler at the time...
...Then when you're rolling around on the floor, do the same...
...He was with Jackie Bisset...
...I play a lawyer in one scene...
...A real one...
...That's it...
...Make him a nice dinner...
...By spending a piddling $4 million in lobbying and contributions, the accountants will make themselves largely unsuable for the foreseeable future...
...Just reading and sleeping...
...Well," the producer said, "can we interview you about him...
...These guys are breaching basic moral duties to their stockholders, most of whom are pension plans for widows and orphans...
...What a depressing book...
...I told him I would pass it on to my wife, and he looked away...
...I am pretty sure this is the first boat any Stein has even owned...
...I'm gonna call it the Sea Susie," he said, thinking of his dog...
...But you might get excited...
...We sat at Morton's and then occasionally went into the parking lot and kissed for the cameras...
...Here's my dilemma...
...How am I ever going to get married...
...Of course," I said...
...Heaven help that poor man, who had so much talent, but like so many Russians, had no defenses against the world and its promises...
...Plenty of poorly paid, hard working people with decent moral values worked near me, many far superior to me...
...Still, I remember one ethereally beautiful blonde girl heading up to his apartment, with a look of such perfect, joyful expectation on her face...
...Then he would go on really major binges, and just lock himself in his apartment with vodka for days on end...
...Can't you see why he'd be upset...
...Plus some ancient gay men and some even more ancient Russians...
...Possibly that's because I finished reading Martin Amis' much talked about novel, The Information, late last night...
...Lithe...
...I was distracted by something I glanced at in a local trade paper...
...So, he's accrued a boat...
...No, Tommy...
...There was a delightful breeze wafting off the Potomac...
...Godunov said that the day hebecame a U.S...
...That was nice...
...What's important is the health of our parents and children, how we're getting along with them, the little kindnesses that we do for them and they do for us...
...It's about plain old political payoffs...
...Thursday U p in the morning to go to Alexander Godunov's funeral...
...He had done many action scenes on "McGyver...
...I commented about it, and said that Republicans didn't usually do such silly things, but in Hollywood, we did as other Hollywood people did...
...I'm talking about executives who give themselves tens of millions while running a company into the ground...
...None of it is new or unusual...
...Well, it's just that kind of talk that explains why you're not married," I said...
...At about five miles per hour in our boat...
...Years ago, I interviewed him for GQ...
...Now, he's gone...
...The man I was to wrestle was an old pro at it...
...They go back to a time when people treated each other like neighbors insteadof like victims...
...I love this...
...Actually, my pal Peter from Sandpoint says that...
...I'm taping a feature for "American Journal" on "Social Kissing...
...What a deal...
...Well, not exactly a set...
...Men do not like to be lied to...
...That's the killer...
...Then home to supervise him while he does his spelling...
...The hypocrisy of some people simply knows no bounds...
...I would love to buy that farm, but here's what I'm thinking...
...But I want to get married," Veranda said...
...My parts are one-day parts," I would say...
...Some of them, though, just came over and demanded that I do a line from Ferris Bueller, as if they owned me...
...It was a spectacular day, with that lively light green that's in the leaves in the east in spring...
...Handsome...
...I'm looking for Maple Springs Farm, along a little country lane called Frogtown Road...
...That's not right...
...Now, Ben," she said, "you know a lot about how men think about women...
...Occasionally my mother brought me grapes...
...Expensive...
...Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land...
...But they're cheap compared with outboard motors...
...No, I think maybe just the Sea Puppy...
...The passengers in business class were totally quiet...
...Guess who plays him...
...Perfect is only young once, so whaaam, down goes the MasterCard, and up go the lids of his eyes...
...He was a super boy, earning high marks and high praise from his teacher, Ruth...
...Then Tommy got a blister on his toe...
...Golden boy,' we called him...
...If you start to think it's your life, it becomes your death...
...I really am disgusted about it...
...I am not reading this right...
...As they say, the fishing's great even if you never catch anything...
...Hollywood wrote the book...
...The only people who ever had the guts and the resolution to take them on were the much maligned trial lawyers in the securities field...
...I hate that...
...He was stalking around the kitchen not talking to her, and with her not talking to him...
...There are some people who just cannot be taught...
...Or something like that...
...The sinister government agent, ruining contacts with creatures from outer space, threatening small children who trust E.T., chasing innocent people like Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor, plotting to take over the world in All the President's Men—this is how Hollywood makes movies...
...Last year, in first grade, he was not that great a student...
...Him barely avoiding the rocks near the town pumping station...
...Among other remedial measures, I promised him that if he was a good boy until last Christmas, I would buy him a boat...
...How he could act...
...Hollywood is too cruel to be taken seriously...
...He was great pals with my late friend,Maggie the Madam...
...A vast mob of students started calling out, "Bueller, Bueller...
...They get away with it, in a word...
...But how he could dance...
...I knew him...
...Now Congress is about to pass legislation that makes it really hard for small stockholders to even get into court to sue when management steals from them or lies to them about their company...
...What do you think...
...But by the time the deal was done, he had decided that Sea Puppy was too juvenile, so now it's just the Sea Pup...
...Then back to my apartment to shoot some more tape about "social kissing," and then there were ambulances and sirens...
...A number of them politely asked me for my autograph...
...That kind of thing...
...I used to work for the government...
...I am determined to realize that right now, right this instant, is the golden moment, and these are the golden days...
...First, a call from my wacky neighbor, Veranda, a really lovely woman...
...He seemed desperately unhappy...
...She would send him girls, just as a gift, and he would be too drunk and passed out and paranoid to open the door...
...Otherwise, you're doomed...
...If I could tell how I got to go from permanently sad and feeling cheated to feeling grateful, it would have a lot to do with that scene: The great joys that we now take for granted will someday be as gone as Caesar's Rome...
...When you get a part, it's a big part...
...Make him little homemade presents...
...Randy," I said, "this really is not so The American Spectator August 1995 53 great...
...This is a scheme for—among many other things—making it much harder for stockholders to sue corrupt managements...
...You mean, tell him that he's unexpectedly become the father of a baby and he should therefore marry you and be a happy dutiful husband for all time...
...But I've been thinking that I should go off the pill and get pregnant so that Victor would marry me...
...That's not right either...
...It's about how unfair the literary world is and how cruel it is to those who are not on top...
...Healthy...
...Stay well away, and keep Idaho just as it is...
...Then Jackie Bisset read some silly poems from James Fox and Paula Prentiss...
...Saturday W e are up in Sandpoint, Idaho, for the biggest day of Tommy's seven-year-old life...
...Then there's another problem," Veranda said...
...Look at it with a laugh and a smile, and you'll get through...
...No," he added...
...L ater that day, the engine stalled and our pal Keith from the Windbag Marina wordlessly motored over and towed us to the dock...
...Monotone...
...Two-day, maybe three days, tops...
...Because you think so much about women...
...There were some flowers, but not a lot...
...We had a little trouble starting the engine, but finally it turned over, and we were off...
...What this book—about a failed writer's amazing envy of a successful writer—is about is: (1) Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's house or his goods or his wife...
...He doesn't want to marry me...
...We're doing a hilarious cartoon about Earthworm Jim taking on a huge scary monster who can destroy the universe...
...Veranda asked...
...I am determined to be grateful for what I have right now, while I have it...
...Like, he's letting me use one of his Bentleys...
...That goes triple when the other men are their friends...
...He waved off our thanks...
...The material things...
...The lobbyists know how to do it...
...Someday, I'm just going to stop getting the papers altogether...
...My producer rushed downstairs to find out what had happened...
...This legislation, basically the Management and Accountant Protection and Insulation from Responsibility Act of 1995, erects yet another wall between managers and the little guy who buys the stock...
...Like Daddy...
...What about the things he's supposed to do for me...
...We went this morning to the Alpine Shop and studied little aluminum boats...
...Grunt and curse a lot...
...Here's a guywho got his start by marching and demonstrating against the federal government, accusing it of war crimes...
...If I bought it, it wouldprobably cost me about $2,000 for each night I spent in it...
...When I finished reading it, I actually felt suicidal...
...Then he disappeared...
...At least that's what did it for me...
...She's 37, and she wants to get married desperately...
...That puts air in your lungs...
...Then, off to pick up Tommy...
...She's dating a wealthy movie producer about fifteen years her senior...
...Just fake it and go with it, and you'll be the same as Clint Eastwood...
...Men do not like to be tricked...
...I mean, he's not only going out with you, he's paying your rent...
...When the men from the Alpine Shop delivered it to the dock in front of the Edgewater, Tommy was literally jumping up and down...
...No...
...So, as I say, figure it out...
...Just spread around a few shekels, and you are the boss...
...Not even close," I corrected him...
...Good, Mr...
...Standing on the dock and lifting off into the stratosphere of little-boy happiness, and then back and then up again, with the blue sky and fleecy clouds above him...
...I'm also talking about managements who attempt to loot their companies, a la Ross Johnson at RJR/Nabisco, who try to steal their companies, and then when they get stopped, they leave in a huff—with $70 million in their pockets...
...Congressmen can take money from people who have business before them, unlike executive branch employees...
...He's a fine speller and a fine reader and great at arithmetic, but unbelievably lazy at penmanship...
...I did that for about two hours...
...Why is it that the things we want always cost more than we can pay...
...It's not a myth that the big corporate power in America doesn't think it has to obey the law...
...I'm on the pill...
...Some Hollywood powers were criticizing the right-wing kooks for their anti-government paranoia, insisting instead that government is our friend, and that law enforcement officials in particular are our pals...
...There was a woman in the building who fell insanely in love with him...
...Alcohol, apparently," she said...
...Tommy at the helm, my pal Peter and me watching like hawks...
...Plus, I thought, I'm rich because I have a lot of friends...
...I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to try to find my own husband while I get my rent from the first guy...
...I don't like it...
...I sat down to work on financial fraud...
...They're my heroes...
...Yes, they're very backward: they still believe in helping their neighbors, in not bragging, in not making money their god...
...My mother is . . . well, figure it out...
...Miami Vice" constantly had federal government gangsters working with drug dealers and mass murderers...
...He'll always remember the day he got his first boat," Peter said...
...This was one of the best flights I have ever been on...
...It's a staple of movies that the outrageous conduct of the CIA is aimed against our own people and not against foreign enemies...
...T hen, off to a set in Culver City for a part in a TV drama...
...I actually get to throw a fake punch and then wrestle on the floor with the guy I punch...
...That's not true...
...You won't get hurt doing this...
...54 The American Spectator August 1995 Plus oars, paddles, life jackets, air horn, and fire extinguisher, and it's some money...
...I don't get any parts," he would say...
...Then to dinner with a group of pretty girls...
...Georgetown...
...I'll just concentrate on living my life instead of on reading about global warming...
...Well, that's not right...
...Then to 52 The American Spectator August 1995 a yogurt store, where we got yogurt and he told everyone that I was in Casper...
...Or, more to the point, when they have billions of dollars of Other People's Money at their disposal, they are the law...
...He has a nasal voice...
...Monday lam hurtling around Fauquier County in my little rented Buick...
...Right...
...When she returned, she said, "Alexander Godunov is dead...
...A payoff of about four hundred to one—if you invest in political personages...
...But he was a great co-wrestler...
...I am going to play a mercenary, uncool TV station advertising manager who gets into a fistfight with a newsman who insults his wife...
...Here's a simple rule," I told Veranda...
...None at all...
...So, off to the memorial service, at the absurdly tiny Little Chapel of the Dawn in Santa Monica...
...It was packed with pretty girls in tight black dresses...
...That night, I watched my parents sitting watching TV...
...citizen was the happiest day of his life...
...At the FTC, at the Nixon White House, innocent people toiled for a pittance, with no hope of fame or glory...
...Men don't like for their girlfriends to date other men...
...Now that I think of it, I interviewed her, not him...
...An old ballet critic talked about how electrifying Godunov—Sacha, they called him—had been when he was 17...
...She told me she was a fan of The American Spectator and wanted to work there...
...They would get fantastically drunk together...
...New York magazine man...
...What were once vices are now habits...
...But a look of immense pride and happiness on his face...
...A stunt coordinator named Ernie came to my trailer and gave me lessons in fake punching...
...But business as usual, and the politics of the paymaster, are not what I voted for in November...
...And then there won't even be anyone to remember it at all...
...Can't you see just exactly why that would upset them...
...He saw my picture on the first page and started running all around the Book Colossus telling everyone, "Look at my Daddy...
...It's ridiculously cheap to send him on a junket...
...Does he ever bring me little blue bags from Tiffany...
...He was always saying to me, "Hey, Ben, how come you get all the good parts...
...I brought beautiful Patty, lovely Juliette, wicked Dotty, and cool Kerry...
...A Russian photographer talked about meeting Godunov when he had just started at the Bolshoi...
...Sea Puppy...
...I napped as I watched them...
...Call him and tell him you're thinking about him...
...The scenes were over in no time, and I was eager to have more action scenes...
...CI The American Spectator August 1995 55...
...But they never go to jail, neverhave a militia label them as jackbooted thugs...
...Then, at LAX, my boy, and he's looking at me and jumping up on me and saying, "Put me down, Daddy...
...The government doesn't take them on, because they own the government in most senses...
...Fine...
...Someday, this languorous gift of family and grapes will be a wistful memory...
...Buy him books, books, books at the Book Universe, or whatever that humungous bookstore is called...
...Yes, but he doesn't own me...
...The guy I'm dating is best friends with another guy I'm dating who's really rich, too, and he pays a lot of my bills, and he doesn't like the fact that I'm dating his friend...
...It's not about unclogging the courts...
...And what a breathtaking bargain for the managers and accountants: Just in connection with their role in the S&L fraud of the 1980s, accountants had to pay about $1.6 billion to the government and to defrauded investors...
Vol. 28 • August 1995 • No. 8
