Ben Stein's Diary /Bottom Bottom Line
Stein, Benjamin J.
Bottom Line Tuesday (~ o money, no life," says my magician pal Larry Wilson, who heard it from a Chinese man years ago when we were all hippies together in Santa Cruz before I went East to work...
...Los Angeles...
...A huge full moon was coming through the clouds and then through the palms...
...When I pick her up, she beams at me, collapses with the joy of life, and starts to goo-goo with sheer delight...
...You are a beautiful girl who has a million men in love with her...
...THE KING OF COINS r. WE'LL...
...She's just screaming with happiness at being alive...
...Can I just keep the bottle...
...I returned it, and he told me that some bad guys were spreading vile slanders about me...
...Are you trying to make me seem crazy, because a lot of people say I'm crazy, but I'm really just an honest person who calls them as she sees them...
...He put an acid wash on the face of one of my clients and her skin was ruined for seven years...
...I have always loved it ever since the first time I went there in 1973, in the airplane of the secretary of the treasury, George Pratt Shultz, en route back from Japan...
...As might have been expected, they had no reservation for us until the next day, even though I had my reservation in my hand...
...having to do with Fox from now on...
...It costs us conservatives too much political capital to defend him in a deal that doesn't look right...
...She's always looked like a cross-dresser to me...
...But when I look at Hilda and Patty, I keep thinking that the look on the baby's face and the look on Mommy's face is the real bottom line...
...You'll have to take it back and get it signed...
...Can I have another drink...
...Joseph of Cupertino...
...Oh, well...
...I love Patty, but she's no Tommy...
...Do you remember my boyfriend from college...
...Hilda is crying because she's so worried about money...
...She even bought those wonderful lights that bubble...
...Right after that talk, I had a surprise visit from Cassie, a woman I knew many years ago in Washington...
...50 The American Spectator March 1995 ing, and it keeps you awake and makes your mouth dry and makes you hate the sound of the birds singing in the morning...
...The sky was slightly blue even at 9 p.m...
...I thought these guys were different," she said...
...156 min., B& W, 319.95 Joan of Arc The academy Award winning film starring Ingrid Bergman as Sc...
...It comes at about five in the morn Benjamin J. Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Malibu, California...
...It's a fish-eatfish world down here," said the sub captain...
...It's yet another movie about a child taking control of his elders by having lots of money...
...I wish I had married him...
...I'm having a huge problem with a certain ad agency and a certain network over some local spots I did for them that they then showed nationally...
...Our operators are on duty to help you Monday thru Friday, 8:30 am until 11:30 pm, Eastern Standard Time...
...She's upset at the stories about Newt Gingrich and his $4.5 million book deal with the same company that owns the Fox network and is in front of the Congress constantly...
...order #11960...
...It's probably not realistic in my case, but I don't want anyone I love to come even close to it, especially not Hilda and her sweet Patty...
...There is no new suit of clothes, no vacation, no, new car that can offset the pain of being truly worried about running out of money...
...Jr, , MALLS IT WORTH YOUR WHILE TO TRY (Is...
...I picked up Tommy for his appointment...
...Probably," I said, "even though I don't want to...
...It paid her much more than she needs for the next few months, and she's happy...
...But this business with the books was a clear mistake...
...We'll select mixed 1878-1904 dates guaran teed to please...
...Palm trees...
...It's different at LAX, where lizards pick you up...
...The call went on for an hour, and Tommy began to cry because he was hungry for dinner...
...Man with car...
...she asked...
...He told me he's going back to his old girlfriend because she was like oatmeal and could feed him day after day and I was too unpredictable, like different kinds of Mexican food...
...More jewelry, Fancy car...
...Why didn't I think of that sooner...
...Hawaii...
...I swear...
...Six hours of superb acting, powerful music, and outstanding cinematography...
...Gale has just come back from four months of skiing in Nepal...
...Money is protection, the shield and the buckler for your family and for you...
...Just exactly like yours...
...I have a big fire in the fireplace (in fact, it occasionally fills the living room with smoke...
...They have just been like the ant, laying aside money year in and year out, and now they have a comfy cushion around them...
...105 min., B'E'FIT $24.95 Scarlet and the Black True story of a priest in the Vatican who protected the Jews from the Nazis in Italy in World War II despite the efforts of the Nan commander in Rome to murder him...
...Thomas More, his loyalty to his Church and his conflict with Henry VIII that results in his martrdom...
...We swam and went down the water slide over and over again (I love water slides...
...She looked somewhat the same, but much older...
...Money is first for saving, and then for spending...
...A wellknown industrialist and his wife hired her to paint a portrait of their kids...
...Tommy," I said...
...I made him stop...
...I told her the name...
...I bought Mr...
...Hmm," he said...
...There has been a Christmas Miracle in her life...
...At the suggestion of my wonderful pal, DeAnne Barkley, the co-inventor (along with Barry Diller) of the Made for TV Movie, now retired to a compound in Kailua, Kona, with many of her children and her grandchildren, we will be heading for the Kona coast...
...We flew to Kona...
...She called instead...
...I got a call from my pal Tammy in Alabama, one of my favorite places...
...I think it's because the kids here are symbolically saying, "See, Mom, I left Brooklyn and came here and got rich and now I, and not Dad, am in charge...
...Tommy, DeAnne, and I had dinner by ourselves out on a cliff overlooking the ocean...
...We watched a movie about Nick Nolte and Julia Roberts being reporters...
...Friday Up in the morning to hear that Newt has returned that money from Murdoch...
...Friday DeAnne has kindly bought tickets for Tommy and me to go on a real undersea submarine that Isn't it time you owned...
...519.95 The Reluctant Saint The first time on video, this movie stars Maximilian Schell and Ricardo Montalban in the inspiring story of St...
...Now you taro own them priced right.' Otunicely detailed Very Fine quality can be yours far as little as $14.50 each I ']he more you buy, the more you save...
...Nothing except the wind...
...yeas-old art teacher who just became a single mother, and the look on the face of her baby Patty, when Patty is in her Exer-Saucer staring at her mother...
...But I wasn't as scared as I am every time I go out on a date or stop at a stoplight in Hollywood...
...Not ever," I said...
...Wednesday J 'm back and it's the week before Christmas and everyone's miserable...
...He actually believes Santa flies over and drops his presents down the chimney...
...After the visit, we went to see Richie Rich...
...Except for Markie Post, I can't think of any really pretty stars...
...We could see the whitecaps of the waves breaking on the promontory below the hotel...
...she asked...
...I had no presents, and that's only fair, because I buy myself just about anything I need...
...Another vacation spot...
...You are our present, our reason for living...
...Then it lifts you up again, and then breaks you down again until you wind up in the Victory Cafe, waiting for the final bullet while drinking Victory Gin and telling Julia that you betrayed her, too...
...Saturday Christmas Eve...
...JtElfj A Time for Miracles Kate Mulgrew gives a moving performance as St...
...Now you know...
...Woman with diamonds...
...Arrrghh...
...But when the cast-and-crew screening happened, guess who wasn't invited...
...Oh Tommy, you little angel...
...This required that I be on hold for forty minutes, after which I was disconnected without further ado...
...Now if Clinton would just return the money he took from the taxpayers through the S&L's, tell us what really happened to Vincent Foster, and then apologize to Paula Corbin Jones and then resign and take Al Gore with him, everything would be good...
...T ommy and Mommy called from Philadelphia to tell me about all of Tommy's presents: a rowboat with an outboard motor, about ten different kinds of video game things, something called a Battlesaurus, which his uncle assembled, very luckily for me...
...That really hurts my feelings...
...Perfect a thing called a Game Gear-a portable Sega Genesis...
...I am out at the beach being visited by Hilda and her baby Patty...
...What about the Contract With America that said Congress would live by the same laws as the rest of the government...
...I can see more stars tonight than ever before...
...Plus, I'm all alone at the holidays...
...120 min., 519.95 ------------------_ Snug of Eernadeste (519.9 5) ,T Jesus of taaareth (55195) J,, an of Are (.SIs.15) W Miraclc of Facima ($19.9 5) _-Ihc Reluetans Saint ($24!15) - Man for All Seasons (519.52 Scarlet an,1 the Black ($1'2.95) ShipfHnJ]g ($2/video) A Time fur Miracles ($19.95) ToTAI Enclresn ] 53 The American Spectator March 1995 T_ _H_F AMERICAN SPECTATOR...
...she asked...
...We landed at Honolulu, waited for a brief while in the American Airlines tiny, very, very inadequate Admirals' Club, and then headed off to The Big Island...
...Meanlooking man...
...The baby literally sings with delight at being alive...
...By the way, I saw you at Santa Anita putting down a bet about a month ago...
...3 raa., 371 mm...
...Money is a vital life enhancer...
...Roll of 20 Coins, $325...
...Then back to our room...
...More clothes...
...Or, you might put it a different way...
...This check isn't signed," she said...
...It doesn't have to be millions, or even hundreds of thousands...
...We saw millions of brightly colored fish...
...I really feel as if there's nowhere to turn...
...I got off the phone and took him to a dining room where swans and ducks and koi fish swam by as we ate our miserable buffet...
...Or send check or money order to: li ern2totu l Coins & Currency 62 Ridge St., Box 218, Dep...
...Add $2 postage...
...Litigation, even potential litigation, keeps you on edge...
...They have never come even close to the edge of having to spend more than they have...
...Oh, well...
...There's a simple reason for that: they have always lived modestly, even frugally, and have always had wants that are modest compared with their means...
...What a racket this kid has...
...While I waited, I made many calls to my lawyer...
...Perfect and I are on our way to the Big Island, Hawaii...
...3212 Mao VT 45605 1 51-4463 MMI2J 51 The American Spectator March 1995 goes out into the ocean at Kona Harbor and shows you fish...
...I've been thinking about it a great deal today because of the look on the face of my pal, Hilda, a 42...
...A film of strength and beauty...
...Who's the doctor...
...100 min...
...Now at an affordable price...
...but more than three is too many on one trip...
...I've never in my life been to a race track in California...
...Then he tossed the magazine on the floor...
...Cassie gave me a Christmas present, a SARKES TARZIAN INC Broadcasters Making a Difference 52 The American Spectator March 1995 pillow with storks catching fish in their beaks...
...If I were a clerk-typist for the Commerce Department, I wouldn't be allowed to take a hundred dollars for a book review from my local paper here in Florence...
...But now it's all right for Newt to take four million for reworking a bunch of essays...
...Almost certainly a rewrap...
...I talk about savers getting ripped off, about trustees who can't be trusted, about accountants from whom you simply cannot ever get a straight count, and about geniuses like Warren Buffett who make their investors rich...
...Never mind that he had food in the room...
...I hate it...
...30-Day No-Risk I fume Exam matioa To order by credit card toll-free number...
...he asked eagerly...
...The great storehouses of travel, leisure, rest, refinement, appearance, health, above all, peace of mind-all of these are open to you if you have money...
...Sunday Christmas Day...
...What are you up to now...
...in December...
...Still, I missed Tommy desperately...
...A time to laugh and a time to cry...
...No, that's not fair...
...you have," she insisted...
...I have had that fear...
...102min., 519,95 Jesus of Nazareth Zeffirelli's award winning film with the all-star cast that depicts the life of Christ from birth through Resurrection...
...You bet we are, Tommy," I said, sailing on top of the world, in love...
...Joseph was a very simple and devour Franciscan monk who would actually levitate during intense prayer...
...This is not right...
...I wish mothers who think about abortion could spend an hour with Hilda and Patty and me...
...Pile of jewelry...
...I just became a Republican," she said, "and I don't know if I'm going to stay a Republican after this...
...It's sort of like I'm out on a date with the best looking girl in high school...
...Starring Paul Scofield and Robert Shaw...
...I told you he was a great guy...
...It's making me depressed...
...Yes, that's it...
...I mean lies in her portable playpen and sings and coos...
...I was the only hippie in America to vote for RN in 1972...
...No, now he was hungry and was crying...
...I have to take Tommy to a dermatologist," I said...
...Daddy," Tommy asked, "are we gonna kick their ass in court...
...He still believes in Santa Claus...
...Are you calling me a liar after I came all the way over to see you...
...The Jewish religion is very rich in conflicts between fathers and sons...
...This whole town has a way of just pulverizing your feelings until you feel like mush...
...Bad language...
...Tommy ate and then said, "Daddy, are we going to sue those guys...
...Bernadette...
...I filled out my deposit slip, handed the check to the teller...
...Then I went to the bank to deposit a small check for acting...
...I swear, you have been...
...2 Coins, $38...
...Now her baby is even happier...
...Up at 7 a.m...
...Yes...
...Today," Tommy said happily, "my job is to make Daddy crazy and annoy him by singing songs from Donkey Kong Country...
...Perfect so that he does not badger me with demands to tell him endless Ren and Stimpy stories while I'm trying to sleep...
...Those bad guys...
...Then he started to sing a song which is about crepitation...
...Are we gonna take their pants down in court and make them cry...
...My parents, who are not really rich, have never, as adults, as far as I can recall, been seriously worried about money...
...Dumb-looking people...
...I have a wonderful feeling when I'm with Tommy on the airplane...
...If that rainy day doesn't come in your life, it might come in your children's or their children's...
...Yeah...
...Patty looks at her mother as if her mother were God, and not only God, but her best friend, and her jester, and her whole universe...
...An accurate and moving account of Mary's urgent requests, the Miracle, and the apparitions...
...I don't blame her one little bit...
...Glory in your youth...
...I might literally be homeless...
...Song of Bernadette This classic film beautifully portrays the appearance and miracle of Our Lady of Lourdes, and the life of the girl to whom Our Lady appeared, St...
...I imagine next year he'll demand things for Kwanzaa...
...I still remember how warm the ocean was at three in the morning...
...Right, me...
...The sad truth is that it's a lot of work to go on vacation and be around strange people...
...Gregory Peck, Christoper Plummer star in gripping per formances...
...My boyfriend told me I wasn't playing with a full deck...
...Can you help me...
...I feel so depressed...
...I have the dogs, plus Hilda and Patty...
...I'm too depressed about the holidays to have lunch," she said...
...After that I called American Airlines to buy some tickets for a trip to Washington...
...Thursday What, you must be asking yourselves, is the daily life of a character actor like me moment by moment...
...She is already living on the edge, is tapped out of her savings, and has no one to borrow from (except maybe me...
...Jewelry...
...Never mind that he had refused to eat on the plane...
...I was berserk...
...He's really rich now...
...You must have forgotten...
...In preparation for this trip, I made an important investment in peace of mind...
...Oh, my angel boy, I am so glad you like the presents that Santa brought you...
...Santa must have known what a good boy I was in Hebrew class," he said...
...He started singing it again...
...I figure that everyone on the plane is secretly or openly jealous that I have such a gorgeous and sweet boy with me, even if they don't say anything...
...Now, it's time to decorate the huge tree I got, with the wonderful ornaments that my pal Mimi bought so long ago...
...I took him out of school for a couple of days so that he and I could bond in the sunshine...
...I love him and don't mind telling him stories...
...Also starring Lorne Green, John Forsythe, and Rossano Brazzi...
...Patty's right, because Hilda is simply a superb mother...
...Tree Rolls (60 Coins), $870...
...No one thinks...
...Joan of Arc in a splendid portrayal of the French farm girl who, inspired by divine forces, led the French army to victory against the English forces...
...Dreams come true in Blue Hawaii, so said the King...
...Maybe get me some commercials...
...After next month, I don't even know how I can pay my rent," Hilda said today...
...My former assistant, the lovely and very, very talented Gale, was supposed to have lunch with me...
...I had to be in depositions for a week about how much money she lost...
...Hilda is with the baby most of the day and all of the night, feeding her, playing with her, cooing at her, changing her Pampers...
...There was not a sound, not an animal, not a bird...
...Can you refill my drink...
...We landed at Hickam Field in the middle of the night and went in a cavalcade to the Kuilima Resort on the north shore of Oahu...
...My little partner...
...Money is for spending on a rainy day...
...My best friend...
...Be happy...
...Money is not for spending now...
...Now I'm in the middle of it even though I did nothing wrong, and it's jacking me up like crazy...
...Their friends and colleagues of their age all seem to be similarly situated...
...He gets gifts for every conceivable holiday...
...She lives near me in Los Angeles and decided to stun me by dropping in after twenty years...
...I will tell you, as a fellow who spends his life working on financially questionable deals, that it's not going to be-possible for him to be impartial about anything Credit Card orders 1-800-651-1531 BEST SELLING VIDEO CLASSICS New Low Prices...
...Well, enough whining...
...Fancy car...
...Don't worry, be happy...
...He has a rash that he makes worse by always picking it...
...J t so happens that I spend a fair amount of time thinking and reading and teaching and writing about money...
...I'm in it, but my scene was cut a lot...
...What I keep coming back to is that the real Bottom Line is a simple idea that the savers know and the terrorized don't: Money is not for spending...
...This is a major theme in Hollywood...
...It was amazingly lively there underwater...
...Can you get me an agent...
...DeAnne was there at the outdoor airport, with her grandson Shane and a little tiny very green lizard he had picked up while waiting for us...
...When I think of the happiness murdered at the source-by their parents-I really get dizzy...
...A mammoth production with lavish color and a cast of thousands...
...Gale," I said, "this too shall pass...
...They are not geniuses at investing and have never been wildly well paid...
...But it has to be enough so that you can know by Benjamin J. Stein from one hour to the next that you are not going to be starved, dunned by your creditors, thrown out of your apartment, put on the street, made to fear becoming homeless-made so that you cannot do what you need to do for your baby...
...5 Coins, $89...
...Well...
...Can you help me get a novel published...
...Vacation spot...
...She went pale...
...Clothes...
...A lunatic tourist had a fit, maybe because of claustrophobia, and complained in a shriek that I was hitting him...
...A profound anti humorous film...
...156 min., 519.95 --------------------ignc-i- iras przc-8ss 33 Oakland Ave, Ilanison NY 10528 Name Address City State Zip Plearr enclose payment with order A:MS I, your humble servant, happen to be an enormous, and I mean huge, fan of Newt Gingrich...
...This has made the wonderful people in Baltimore that I did the ABC local spots for justly angry...
...He started to look through its glossy pages...
...Every need that Patty has is almost instantly met by Hilda, a woman without a husband or boyfriend or wellto-do parents...
...People seem to forget that the Republicans only barely have control of the Congress...
...The problem is that Hilda is often crying these days when Patty is gazing at her...
...If you have it, you can enjoy life incomparably more than if you don't...
...Joel Silver, the producer, came up to me at Morton's the other day and told me how great I was in it and how much preview audiences loved me...
...It's scary sometimes being a woman traveling alone in Nepal...
...SUBSCRIBER SERVICE If you have an inquiry regarding your subscription, wish to renew, or order a gift subscription for a friend, call our toll-free subscriber service at 1-800-524-3469...
...Then he picked up a Los Angeles magazine from the floor of the car...
...I took the check to the woman who had made it out to me...
...Well, I guess this is why I am an outcast in Hollywood...
...I had an urgent call from my lawyer...
...I got lost and had to hike for twenty miles to get to the nearest town," Gale said...
...100 min., $19.95 The Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima The famous Warner Brothers production of the true story of the appearance of Our Lady to three children at Fatima in 1917...
...bli'ee 1878-1904 "Morgan" Silver Dollars America's vintage "Morgan" Silver Dollars we the world's most popular nom - they're big (38 mm), loaded with ether (26.73 grams.900 Fine) and rich in history (struck from Old West Ixnanza silver and used in bygone eras...
...I might have to...
...But also, how wonderful...
...Can you give me a drink...
...I miss you very much, my boy," I said, "and I'm glad you liked the presents...
...The whole sky is vibrating, glowing, shaking with light...
...It's called Paradise for a reason...
...Only I'm with the best looking human on the plane, and he's my son (although people often think he's my grandson...
...10 Coins, $169...
...I wish I could get a better job...
...The court clerk kept me on hold for exactly one hour...
...Its purpose in life is to absorb Mr...
...559.9i A hMan for All Seasons A dasaJing iitternational cast in this Academy Award winning film brings to life the thrilling drama of St...
...As Low _ As $14.50 '' rn EACH (3 ROLLS 11S...
...I made a mental note that I would not let her become home less, but I made a few other mental notes as well...
...I love them...
...If something comes along that doesn't sit right with the voters, the Democrats will be back faster than you can say bloc vote...
...Elizabeth Seton, who overcame the deaths of her young husband and two children, and went on to found the American Sisters of Charity and the first American Catholic schools...
...I think I would sleep well at night if he were president...
...It's a wide-eyed, mouth-open, fiveand-a-half-month-old-baby look of total adoration...
...A superb cast including Vincent Price., Lee J. Cobb, and Jennifer Jones...
...In particular, we are heading towards the Hilton Waikoloa Village, a spread (or so we hear) custom-made for kids...
...I wonder what makes anyone like Julia Roberts...
...Beautiful woman with bathing suit...
...I know him," she said...
...You deserve them...
...They say they always were allowed to and I made a mistake, and I'm sure they're sincere...
...Alex and the angel, Tommy, are in Philadelphia visiting her sister...
...to call the Los Angeles Municipal Court to find out how to pay a traffic ticket by mail and get into traffic school so that my already staggering insurance bill does not get any higher...
...Over and over...
...Tommy had a steak, and when the waiter asked him how he wanted it cooked, he said, just like his Daddy, "As rare as you can make it...
...Some people think...
...Speaking of which, I have a small but very funny part in the new movie Richie Rich...
...Wednesday A h, but then there is Hawaii...
...She cheerfully signed it...
...O 54 The American Spectator March 1995...
...Now it's going to look awful no matter what he does...
...I guess I am naive, but if any man or woman saw the joy and the love of that baby, he or she simply could not kill her...
...She drove us past miles of black volcanic moonscape until we came to our fabulous hotel...
...He was with his pal Omid, a very nice Persian boy who lives across the street...
...Seeing Hilda's terror at her possible inability to take care of Patty has made me consider once again my aging parents and how very different their lives are...
...Bottom Line Tuesday (~ o money, no life," says my magician pal Larry Wilson, who heard it from a Chinese man years ago when we were all hippies together in Santa Cruz before I went East to work for Richard Nixon...
Vol. 28 • March 1995 • No. 3
