The Continuing Crisis
• As December expires, and a woebegone Bill Clinton gamely jogs on, "Hail to the Chief' resounding ever more faintly between his ears and behind his glassy eyes, surely Mr. Leon Panetta, the gifted...
...On December 9 he fired this amazing woman, after she in her semi-literate way endorsed adding the timely topic of masturbation to the nation's sex-education classes...
...On December 5, Mr...
...So, Mr...
...Turner, a convicted bank robber, escaped from the federal courthouse using a fake gun carved from a bar of soap...
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...Apparently while applying for a job at a local hardware store, he became confused as to his life's work and fled the store with a couple of handguns and a watch...
...David Crosby, referred to by the Associated Press as "venerable," underwent a transplant after his original liver was discovered to be "as hard as a stone...
...The next time you address the American people from the Oval Office, as you did so lamely on December 15, pretending that your first two years of pratfalls and buffoonery were merely part of a presidential training period ordained by the Constitution and prefatory to the Great Days Ahead, why not appear in your underwear...
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...President, as your popularity sinks and fellow Democrats dream of removing you from the 1996 ticket, remember that even in your underwear you are a president...
...Yet where is the administration's leading peacekeeper, the Hon...
...Turner's gun failed to fire...
...Unfortunately he left his job application and the cops apprehended him in no time, though they still have not recovered the stolen goods, for the mercurial Mr...
...Alfred David plans to go all the way...
...David Lee McCumsey, Jr., 18, was charged with two counts of grand theft and one count of petty theft...
...I was digging roads," he recalls...
...In Brussels, Belgium, Mr...
...The Association of Trial Lawyers of America is on its way...
...Despite his humble origins, we know that our 42nd president does indeed wear underwear...
...Hillary Clinton lived back in Jerkwater, she took a $1 tax deduction on each pair she donated to Goodwill...
...What is more, in the August 1993 edition of this literary gazette, our own Ms...
...Crosby...
...In Sellersville, Pennsylvania, Miss Rosalie Bradford, once a well-upholstered 1,050-pounder but now a svelte 300 pounds, is suing the authoritative Enquirer-Star for having compared her to a baby whale and a small car...
...Crosby came from an anonymous donor who had been declared brain dead after an automobile accident...
...Relatives of the late Mr...
...The ensuing flood unfortunately got out of hand, inundating 14,000 acres of farmland and destroying scores of buildings...
...Once seated, the president might pause to allow his fellow Americans to take in the latest breakthrough: a president with the guts to be different, a president reaching out to those who do not wear ties, a president at his desk in his undershirt—tank top or with sleeves...
...McCumsey while making his getaway became frightened and threw them out of the window of his car...
...for 71 days the only bridge linking Missouri and Illinois for 100 miles was closed...
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...Kenneth Starr...
...Jimmy Carter...
...Al Hunt (deceased) and Mayer & Abramson, Inc., authors of the year's cleverest literary hoax, Strange Justice...
...On December 20, the fourth assault on the White House in four months took place...
...Marcelino Comiel, a 33-yearold urban nomad, attacked the White House with a knife before being fired upon by U.S...
...He could say, as he did on December 15, that he is putting the country first and "politics-asusual dead last...
...William Kunstler can spring him or President Clinton commutes his sentence...
...Busuttil did not also transplant the donor's brain, which surely would have raised Mr...
...Elders would duly support him but, alas, he has not supported her...
...Joycelyn Elders could devise a morally superior explanation for why it is the progressive and enlightened thing for all presidents to stride into the Oval Office in their underwear, wearing wing-tip shoes, of course, and dark socks, possibly held up by garters...
...David will not be joining him in the historic transformation...
...Early in the month Mr...
...Leon Panetta, the gifted and erudite White House chief of staff, could pass on to him the wise observation of that long-deceased playwright, Mr...
...Ronald W. Busuttil, the surgeon who performed this always-uncomfortable operation on Mr...
...Dressed casually and sipping fruit juice, the anile ex-president spent late December in Bosnia being befooled by the Bosnian Serbs...
...Those are the lapidary words of Dr...
...This is a proven turnkey business an individual or couple can run...
...In London, Mr...
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...I am sure Dr...
...Tore Hagebakken, mayor of Gjovik, Norway, upon noticing that his rental car had disappeared, reported the theft to police on his portable telephone...
...Harry Landlin opened the back of his 69-year-old heirloom sofa to discover, voila, an astonishingly well-preserved 69-year-old cheese sandwich, teeth marks and all, plus two newspapers, dated 1925...
...During a routine medical examination, doctors discovered that Mr...
...Admittedly there have probably been times when this big lovable lug of a president did not wear underwear...
...Park Police...
...He obviously was not hungry, for he handed the sandwich over to authorities...
...Possibly whilst at Oxford during his Red Brigade Years he swore off both briefs and boxers in protest of, say, CIA recruiting on campus or the treatment of lettuce pickers in the San Jakarta Valley—if there is a San Jakarta Valley...
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...Lisa Schiffren chronicled that when the lovely Mrs...
...His fascination began back in the 8 The American Spectator February 1995 1960s...
...Ludwig Fulda, to wit: "You remain a king—even in your underwear...
...Unfortunately it was the police who had removed the car, suspecting that it had been parked by a drunk...
...Maybe down there in Hope, during his Log Cabin Years, he only wore a loincloth...
...When the police opened fire, Mr...
...The Crisis positively glows...
...Obviously it is time for the White House to begin negotiations...
...Possibly next month he will be in "Turkmenistan...
...whereupon he commenced to sing to the independent counsel, Mr...
...In Homosassa Springs, Florida, Mr...
...And we thought leg-pulling like this only came out of the Washington bureau of the Wall Street Journal, orchestrated by such colossal farceurs as Mr...
...Crosby's liver had become almost useless, serving nothing more than perhaps a cosmetic purpose after his years of alcohol abuse and addictions to such unwholesome medications as heroin and cocaine...
...The liver transplanted into Mr...
...James R. Scott, 24, of Fowler, Illinois, was convicted of sabotaging a levee during the 1993 Midwestern floods in the hope that the damage would be sufficient to flood the Missouri-Illinois border and prevent his wife from returning home from work and interrupting his party schedule in hellish Fowler...
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...Why Mr...
...Crosby's intelligence quotient and made him a more interesting conversationalist...
...Scott did delay his wife's arrival...
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...After Miss Nadia Gillett was subdued by a passing martial-arts instructor, the first policeman on the scene, officer Mark McDonald, testified that "she didn't look like what you'd think a bat-wielding person would look like...
...In San Anselmo, California, a 34-year-old woman entered a "New Age" store, laid hands on a baseball bat, and let the store have it, leaving some witnesses convinced that local police had better review their patrolman's training program...
...It is still not clear why Dr...
...He could say "My Fellow Americans, underwear is fun-da-wear...
...He once told an inquiring mind on MTV that he wears "usually briefs...
...Webster Hubbell pled guilty to two felonies...
...Michael Turner may be suing police in Kansas City, Missouri—and an unnamed soap company—for a handsome sum...
...After years of wearing a black-and-white hooded penguin suit and acting to the best of his ability like an Emperor penguin (Aptenodytes patagonica), he is changing his surname to Monsieur Pingouin...
...She has thrown him out of the house, along with 2,750 pieces of penguin memorabilia he managed to collect during the three decades he has been identifying with penguins...
...The blow fell three days after the president's close friend and ethics adviser Mr...
...A legendary figure in the Men's Liberation Movement has been sent up the river for freeing up the river...
...Perhaps the Clintons ought to move out into the country...
...Landlin was dissecting his own sofa remains subject to feverish speculation among sofa-loving Londoners...
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...145, SHERIDAN, INDIANA 46069 The American Spectator February 1995 9...
...But surely now he wears fine, high-grade underwear, washed daily, possibly even starched and emblazoned with the presidential seal...
...They returned the car, gave His Honor a breathalyzer test, and booked him...
...In October, Mr...
...Three days earlier the White House came under pistol fire from unknown forces...
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...Practical jokesters working for one of the wire services planted a report on the wires that the "Democratic party" won elections in "Turkmenistan...
...Frank Eugene Corder made an aerial assault...
...Ashgabat, indeed...
...According to the story, originating in "Ashgabat," Turkmenistan, traders in a carpet, bazaar along the "KaraKum" canal vowed to "pack up early to vote...
...She contends that she is neither...
...Pop singer and dissipate Mr...
...I came across a rock which looked like a penguin and I decided that this was fate...
...After the first few revolutionary minutes he could say anything...
...He will be serving a life term until Mr...
...Francisco Martin Duran opened fire, and in September Mr...
...The animal rights movement found itself on a collision course with feminists when it was reported in Britain that as many as 75,000 female horses are being deprived of their urine under "appalling" conditions so that the disgusting fluids might be gathered up and used for the production of Premarin and Prempak-C drugs, essential to hormone replacement therapy for British women on hard times...
Vol. 28 • February 1995 • No. 2
