The Continuing Crisis
• June did not start off as a particularly interesting month—and then the gods smiled on us. At center stage stood President Bill Clinton, the man liberal policy wonks call the best president we...
...Then they both skipped around in a circle squeezing their bicycle horns and heaving confetti...
...That was the position taken by Health and Human Resources secretary Mrs...
...Never was the speed limit broken...
...By then the battle lines were drawn...
...The mayor's program has attracted the disapproval of the ACLU, which, incidentally, approves of urban bans against pets defecating in public but not against humans—at least not those humans who are sufficiently unkempt and in the possession of stolen shopping carts...
...Talal Aizanki's defense that he believed his Sri Lankan maid, Miss Vasantha Gedara, 27, to be a pet rock has failed...
...Then commenced negotiations to dissuade the famed ballplayer from suicide and bring him into custody...
...Jimmy returned to the White House depicting the North Korean despot as "an honest statesman committed to a peaceful reconciliation with his neighbors," to quote the New York Times...
...They were even at the gates of his home, along with scores of suave and ingratiating polizie, when Mr...
...Simpson cruising along with a gun to his skull...
...Al Cowlings, his George Stephanopoulos...
...The legendary patience and hardiness of the adult Korean was demonstrated anew when a month-long search for Korean tourist Mr...
...Simpson innocent...
...Cowlings, who by the end of June was to be one of the ten most famous men in all California—and one of the most respected—Mr...
...Donna Shalala on the ABC evening news...
...Then he was jugged, and so was the illustrious Mr...
...According to Mr...
...In Baltimore, Maryland, three occupants of a row house were hospitalized for psychiatric observation after more than sixty dogs, cats, hamsters, and birds were discovered in their domicile...
...Immediately they commenced to slam each other with animal bladders...
...The press billed Mr...
...In a vehicular protest reminiscent of those French farmers who drove their tractors on Paris some years back, or of the Hells Angels who once descended on rural towns in the American Midwest, hundreds of homeless protesters in San Francisco formed a caravan of shopping carts to protest Mayor Frank Jordan's policy of removing vagrants from sidewalks as soon as 8 The American Spectator August 1994 they begin to look and smell like pet droppings...
...Alzanlci has been sentenced to imprisonment and ordered to pay his maid back pay of $13, 415 after he was convicted of enslavement...
...In Casa Grande, Arizona, Mr...
...Kim, who speaks no English, waited quietly on the corner of Van Ness Avenue and El Segundo Boulevard for three weeks before being recognized as the missing tourist...
...The two led an escadrille of Los Angeles Police Department along Los Angeles freeways in a post–Rodney King chase...
...Okay, so maybe not a Bronco...
...No one laughed...
...Kim derived sustenance during his ordeal, though when he was finally identified his collar button was open and tie was down...
...After that he wanted a glass of orange juice...
...Some Americans argued that Mr...
...Then Mr...
...He wanted to use the facilities...
...Think of it...
...Can you not envisage any one of these TV superstars riding the freeways of Los Angeles, gun in hand, suicide note broadcast to all mankind, as, say, Michael Kinsley drives the Bronco...
...The prof was endeavoring to strike yet another blow against the Republic's flagitious practices of racism, sexism, and lookism by ironically noting the distinguishing features of certain races and ethnic groupings when a mischievous breeze blew away the last pages of his speech and the witless dope was unable to explain that his was an essay into Swiftian poesy...
...Jimmy lit a match under Bill's clodhopper...
...Young Moon Kim, 46, ended joyously in Gardena, California...
...At center stage stood President Bill Clinton, the man liberal policy wonks call the best president we have had in years...
...In Tehran, Iran, head stabbing has been banned even if the head being stabbed is one's own...
...Through the entire 90-minute drive Mr...
...Kim II Sung seemed pleased with Jimmy...
...Then Jimmy announced American foreign policy toward North Korea in terms more concrete than Bill thought admissible...
...Then the idiot vacated the podium to give his imitation of black people walking, or "wiggling and jiggling" as he put it...
...Authorities have yet to weigh the possibility that the three were about to open a restaurant...
...Serves him right...
...Cowlings...
...Still others spoke of a conspiracy that had been perpetrated against him led perhaps by the Mafia, the Kennedys, and the powerful managers of Ace Hardware stores nationwide...
...Doubtless the California State Tourist Bureau is even now mounting a vast public relations campaign to proclaim the peaceful and secure purlieus surrounding the corner of Van Ness Avenue and El Segundo Boulevard...
...Simpson's faithful Stephanopoulos parked their Bronco in the drive...
...No one knows how Mr...
...He declaimed to a black student in the audience that God had left her in the coloring machine too long, he told an Asian that God neglected to give her people noses...
...No one stole his wallet or shot him or attempted to put him in a pot and eat him...
...Kim just stood there...
...For three weeks Mr...
...Then right next to him appeared former president Jimmy Carter, the man liberals praise for unexcelled saintliness...
...Simpson's embarrassment as a unique American tragedy, but is it all that unique...
...Bill got mad...
...Bill seemed pleased...
...Then Bill seemed pleased...
...Simpson, after a quiet weekend in the calaboose, pled not guilty to murder...
...Let's face it: similar catastrophe could at any time befall any of a dozen media stars...
...In Boston, Massachusetts, Mr...
...The unconscionable pogrom waged by American reformers against cigarette smokers has claimed another life...
...He wanted to talk to his "mom...
...It was an ill wind that enveloped the podium at Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa, California, as the esteemed Professor Leonard Orguin delivered a clever commencement address...
...Think of Al Hunt or Larry King or John McLaughlin...
...Cowlings carefully switched on the warning lights and always used his turning signals...
...Overhead seven choppers filmed the procession as thousands of Angeleno sports fans and assorted pinheads cheered on the accused murderer...
...At any rate, on June 20, Mr...
...Simpson give us our money's worth or what...
...Simpson's state of mind by late Friday night was agitated...
...The highest standards of decorum were maintained...
...How about a Volvo...
...Alas, when he returned to the podium his notes were gone and he was stuck there in front of 5,000 agape attendees who were wondering if he was a bigot or just the standard-issue academic fool...
...The occasion for the high jinks from these two titans of the modern presidency was statecraft with North Korea's aging Stalinist, Mr...
...Others thought Mr...
...The American Spectator August 1994 9...
...Melvin Deball, 56, perished after lunging through a window of a moving Greyhound Bus when its driver refused to stop for a smoking break...
...Cowlings had kept in close cellular communications with the planet earth, furiously slamming the telephone down only when an insensitive police operator failed to grasp his well-known name...
...And did Mr...
...Governor Pete Wilson can well be proud...
...Never were the police anything but polite and agreeable...
...Jimmy somehow turned up in Pyongyang on June 17...
...Bill pulled Jimmy's baggy pantaloons to the floor...
...Simpson was a typical American husband, indistinguishable from millions of other middle-class fathers and husbands in his homicidal tendencies...
...Simpson's breezy suicide notes—models of California insouciance—had already been read when the cops spotted Mr...
...Kim Il Sung...
...Thus he swanked on about how in his bourgeois youth he had believed that Oriental people have difficulty seeing through slanted eyes...
...On June 17, rather than simply turn himself in on charges of having murdered his ex-wife and her friend, the former football great and TV personality absconded in a white Bronco accompanied by Mr...
Vol. 27 • August 1994 • No. 8
