The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • As March—a month crapulent with unwelcome news stories for America's greatest president since Jimmy Carter—wobbles off into eternity, President Bill Clinton's White House...
...Then, when Mr...
...Has he ever been in trouble with the law...
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...Has he spent any time in a state correctional facility...
...The unnamed knight-errant of the streets walloped an unruly 16-day-old infant, apparently after his attempts at bonding proved futile...
...Aldrich Hazen Ames was not completely without public spirit...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS • As March—a month crapulent with unwelcome news stories for America's greatest president since Jimmy Carter—wobbles off into eternity, President Bill Clinton's White House galoots are in a panic to locate Nobel laureate Professor Steven Weinberg...
...When a helpful cleaning lady finally led him to the deputy foreign minister's office, the secretaries pretended that he was the local delivery man for Domino's Pizza...
...She conned the chap into rubbing an egg and placing it beneath his bed so as to "remove evil...
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...Apparently Mr...
...Before he had left, President Clinton had not been able to find time to consult with him, and when he returned he still was not allowed a meeting with his boss...
...Secretary of State Warren Christopher's March 11 meetings with Chinese Deputy Foreign Minister Tian Zeng Pei got off to a very rocky start...
...but, then, so is the Clinton presidency and even the big bulbous ichthyophallic fellow himself...
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...Jeffrey Dahmer, the convicted killer and dismemberer of seventeen men and boys, has been the recipient of private charity amounting to $12,000...
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...Well, if this be so, what point can possibly be served by congressional inquiries, or more news stories about meetings between the White House and various investigative branches of the government, dubious exertions by Associate *ti Attorney General Webster Hubbell, his unanticipated resignation, White House Counsel Bernard Nussbaum's resignation, Hillary's insider commodity trades, her land deals, her selling short of pharmaceutical stocks as her husband mau-maued the pharmaceutical industry, her legal work for shaky banks regulated by her husband's appointees, her refusal to hold a press conference...
...Dahmer had entered upon a letter-writing campaign to soft touches around the world...
...Unfortunately, it will be years before researchers know for sure because there is no record at the Oxford University library that the young Clinton ever took any books out...
...So who is Professor Steven Weinberg...
...Professor Weinberg's researches have led him to the hypothesis that the universe is "pointless," even the orbits of the earth, even the editorials in the New York Times, even the Oscar Awards ceremony...
...The White House is in Crisis again...
...Christopher arrived in Peking, he was curtly notified that the Chinese would not honor his presence, neither with a banquet nor an official welcoming at the airport...
...He leaves three sons, a daughter, and a house in dire need of a visit from the Orkin man...
...Fifth graders at Los Berros School in progressive Lompoc, California, were enjoying recess with their pet chick when a hawk swooped down and grabbed the bewildered hatchling, flew to the top of a nearby telephone pole, and ate it...
...These constitute but a sampling of the unwelcome news stories that made the press in March...
...Insect Hormones might also be read as an early study of the causes of feminism, though this was not Sir Vincent's intention...
...White House chef Mr...
...If Nobel laureate Weinberg is correct, all are pointless...
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...He is the eminent physicist whose theory of the universe provides metaphysical scaffolding that just might save our big lovable lug of a president from further scrutiny...
...Clinton discovered that an usher, Mr...
...Now she is considering filing sexual harassment charges against America's most cerebral president since Jimmy Carter...
...The school children's teacher, the eloquent and impassioned Miss Lori Stitch, showed a stiff upper lip, asseverating that at least her pupils "learned about the food chain...
...He now spends many waking hours in prison reading biographies of Karl Marx and Genghis Kahn, as well as the works of Machiavelli, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Arthur Ashe...
...Originally hoping to become a medical doctor, Sir Vincent became interested in insects after observing his younger brother...
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...His first book, Insect Physiology, has been called a classic, and was probably among the 300 books that President Bill Clinton tells us he read in his first year at Oxford...
...Perhaps the Clintons have even socialized with him...
...A prodigious number of the Clintons' friends and business partners have experienced legal difficulties and worse, despite associating with America's most righteous president since Jimmy Carter...
...In Stockholm, Prince, the largest toad in captivity, died of natural causes, notwithstanding the growing popularity of "toad licking", among Swedish thrill-seekers who lick the slime from toads in pursuit of hallucinogenic bliss...
...In East Brunswick, New Jersey, Miss Theresa Miller, 43, the celebrated fortuneteller, was arrested for allegedly defrauding an unnamed man of $8,000...
...Ames contributed as much as $5,000 from 1990 to 1991 to the Democratic National Committee...
...No arrests have been made but the plot seemed to extend far beyond the White House when White House forces loyal to Mrs...
...The Milwaukee Journal reports that Mr...
...And March witnessed a historic first...
...Lewis Grizzard, 47, author of Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes...
...Does he have a police record...
...145, SHERIDAN, INDIANA 46069 The American Spectator April /May 1994 9...
...Norman Lear announced that she is closing Lear's magazine • In Washington, D.C., organizers of a banquet to reunite homeless men with their children were congratulating themselves on a stupendous success after only one of the fathers was charged with assault...
...In Chardon, Ohio, Miss Tabetha Dougan, "the kissing bandit," has been charged with robbing men after rendering them unconscious by slipping tranquilizers into their mouths whilst engaged in open-mouth kissing...
...Never before has there been an attempt on the life of the president through the White House kitchen, though such treachery haunted the reign of the Borgias and was a constant worry to the Venetian doges...
...Pierre Chambrin was caught in the act of poisoning the First Family with high-fat foods and luscious sauces...
...He could be just the man the Clintons need to put Whitewatergate behind them, and Troopergate and Paula Corbin Jones—with her unseemly charges that in a historic room in Little Rock's Excelsior Hotel she was amazed when Governor Bill Clinton lowered his pantaloons, approached her frontally with a fully tumid organ, and asked her to confer with him intimately...
...Emery has also been removed, but the Clintons remain edgy...
...The nun, obviously another casualty of Vatican II, is reported to have said, "He did awful things, but way deep down he isn't a mean kid...
...Chris Emery, had made as many as four telephone calls this past year to the wife of former President George Bush somewhere in Texas...
...The felicitously named Professor Wigglesworth was one of the world's leading researchers into the physiology of insects...
...We live in pointless times, which makes it all the more curious that so many in Washington work so hard for power and boodle...
...Clinton's praetorian guard fell upon M. Chambrin and three other members of the White House kitchen early in the month, as truckloads of butter, cream, detestable fromages, pâté de foie gras, and a substance resembling chocolate were spotted entering the White House grounds...
...Also appearing in the obituary pages were Mr...
...All told he stood in line at the building's information booth for an hour, and the guards confiscated his 1957 Kodak Brownie...
...When the men awaken they are happy but often bereft of expensive cars and jewelry, according to police reports...
...But who is Professor Weinberg, and is he from Arkansas...
...Christopher when he returned to Washington...
...Christopher's expressed solicitude for human-rights conditions in China...
...It seems that suspected spy Mr...
...Maybe they had a business partnership together...
...Sir Vincent's 1970 book Insect Hormones established him, in the words of the Times of London, as "the acknowledged world authority" on the subject...
...Wei Jingsheng, despite Mr...
...America's war against women continues, just as Faludi warned it would...
...According to the Federal Election Commission, Mr...
...He even had to pay for the egg...
...But she did lament that their chick, Peep Jr., "never knew another chicken...
...This is a proven turnkey business an individual or couple can run...
...Miss Dougan protests her innocence, but she lost a major defender in media in mid-March when Mrs...
...Mike Tyson has become an intellectual...
...The week before Mr...
...An English woman sent him a donation of $5,920, and a 74-year-old nun sent him $10 to reimburse him for postage on two "art" books she received from 8 The American Spectator April/May 1994 him...
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...If so—and if he is from Arkansas—he probably has been one of the Clintons' financial supporters...
...Things got no better for Mr...
...and in Cambridge, England, Sir Vincent Wigglesworth...
...Pete Hamill reports in Esquire magazine that former heavyweight champion and convicted frotteur Mr...
...In fact, when he arrived at the airport it took our anile secretary of state an embarrassingly long time to hail a taxi and then his driver overcharged him...
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...At the Chinese ministry of foreign affairs he was repeatedly given false directions to the deputy foreign minister's office...
...Christopher's arrival, the Chinese had the brass to arrest China's leading dissident, Mr...
Vol. 27 • April 1994 • No. 45
