The Continuing Crisis
N ineteen ninety-three is a dodo, and as it gave way to 1994 a cacophony of outraged voices sounded off against this ancient intellectual review and defender of Art—namely the art of self-defense....
...RET The American Spectator February 1994 9...
...Moreover, Our President has been lamentably heavy-handed in his use of government personnel and facilities to cover up his scortatory derring-do...
...Bernard McCummings—a mugger shot and left paralyzed after he beat and choked 72-year-old Mr...
...Try putting a dab of tabasco sauce on them, Miss Wright...
...Never before has our print schedule been repeatedly delayed, so much so that this department cannot report on the momentous events of the previous month...
...So it is off to the hoosegow with him, as the Crisis picks up steam...
...In publishing this piece, the snoots complain, The American Spectator has lowered its journalistic standards...
...In Denver, Colorado, death threats against Santa Claus forced the corpulent gentleman to flee shopping centers and confer with children only at heavily guarded police stations...
...Miqueas Perez, 21, who stomped and kicked and hurled another unnamed kitten into a tree...
...Dan Rather and Bryant Gumbel, two of the most outspoken voices on behalf of human justice on Manhattan's Upper East Side and men perfectly capable of taking to the hills to lead America's sorely oppressed peasants, consumerists, and homosexuals in violent Revolution once their hiking boots arrive from L.L...
...Former Clinton aide Betsey Wright, according to the Los Angeles Times, is reviewing her personal 8 The American Spectator February 1994 papers in preparation for answering a subpoena...
...Perez explained that "I was drunk and the animal came across my path," but Stuart is not Washington, D.C., and Mr...
...John J. Fahy...
...Sandusky was not charged...
...Do not tell us, Mr...
...Actually, it is President Bill Clinton's high jinks that imperil The American Spectator's standards, and we have grown quite cross with him for this...
...In Oologah, Oklahoma, Mr...
...That theft of an atheist group's godless banner from a holiday display at the town hall in Wyckoff, New Jersey, is going to be prosecuted as a "hate crime" against religion, according to Bergen County Prosecutor and moral ham Mr...
...In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, stalking charges were dropped against Mr...
...Even when you feel terrible," the former presidential candidate asserts, "smile...
...On January 17, an earthquake measuring 6.6 on the Richter scale wobbled the city, killing dozens...
...Kelly Ford, an English teacher, has agreed to resign his post at a local school after he apparently spoiled a school party by giving a female student a rubber cap depicting a condom and a card of dubious taste...
...What evoked the opprobrium was Mr...
...Certainly he is not listed in the Denver telephone book or on the faculty of any of the city's venerable universities...
...Rather we shall endeavor to chronicle momentous events at year's end...
...Jerome Sandusky in a subway station—could keep the $4.3 awarded him by a New York jury...
...Make your smile continue for a full minute, then five minutes, then half an hour...
...In Indianapolis, Indiana, Miss Patricia Conner, 47, received a suspended sentence for attempting to avoid prosecution for forgery by eating a check, thus freeing her to serve the Clinton administration in any of several roles that have need of her talents...
...On the last weekend of the year, 1,000 boutique-bought jogging suits congregated at Hilton Head Island, South Carolina for the twelfth annual Renaissance Weekend...
...The whereabouts of the pup were not disclosed...
...Edward Lee Harrell, 19, for butchering an unnamed kitten after it evacuated on his rug and to Mr...
...David Brock's report in The American Spectator last month that the President of the United States has in recent years been acting as though it were forever springtime and he was a youthful resident of Monkey Island at the zoo...
...Three men in Adelaide, Australia, who employed a three-week-old sea lion pup as bait to catch a record-breaking 3,344-pound shark, were ordered to pay $21,000 in fines and court fees because, in the words of Magistrate Fred Field, "the act of taking such a young sea lion pup must have been a cause of distress to the pup and its mother...
...President...
...In Los Angeles, California, twenty-five fun-loving sheriff's deputies were suspended without pay for lighting a bonfire and holding a beer bash while on standby duty during the late Malibu wildfires...
...Break your record," Mr...
...Claus "right between the eyes...
...Yet in Paris a giant condom was lowered over the obelisk at the Place de la Concorde and no jobs were lost or feelings hurt...
...Washington's prestigious Media Research Center gave its yearly awards for the most inane and bigoted journalism of the year, and the awards were again dominated by Messrs...
...Eight-month jail sentences were meted out to Mr...
...The 78-year-old solon argues that the key to longevity and good health is keeping a smile on one's face ceaselessly, even under difficult circumstances...
...The threats came in letters signed by "Terminator WX," who claims to be a Vietnam war veteran willing to shoot Mr...
...unless, of course, someone takes offense and beats the hell out of him...
...Vince Foster, and after failing to deliver them to the proper authorities, the Clintons asked that the mysterious documents be subpoenaed and that a special counsel be appointed by Attorney General Janet Reno...
...Linda Lader, wife of the spectacle's eminent founder, explained the event as a time to "get away from the crowds and pressures of life and reflect on what is important to us," such as gaudy colored jogging suits, sweatless tennis matches and biking exhibitions, and seminars where the Immensities are thrown about by such intellectual giants as Mr...
...President Bill Clinton's mother passed away just days before he flew to Europe for meetings with NATO allies, with the heads of former Soviet satellites, and with President Boris Yeltsin...
...Perez is neither a congressman nor a senator...
...The president and his lovely wife Hillary were there, and while North Korea continued to stiff the State Department over the whereabouts of its nuclear arsenals and while Russian hostilities proliferated, Our President attended lectures on such indispensable topics as "What Have I Learned from Love...
...Research and simple inquiry into human nature have brought the Senator to the conclusion that if an individual were to go through his day with a jolly smile on his face, even while walking the street, even while seated on the subway, he would be healthier and happier and much less of a drain on our health-care system...
...Dick Schaap, the modern-day Montesquieu who has authored Steinbrenner!, among other sports biographies...
...Authorities have not ruled out the possibility that there is no Terminator WX...
...We shall be in the same uncertain condition next month and perhaps thereafter—all deadlines in the foreseeable future will be decided by our crack team of investigative reporters now in Little Rock, intent on sending back in timely fashion the facts about Whitewatergate, funny money at the Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan, and other possible high crimes and misdemeanors...
...Weeks after admitting that there were indeed documents relating to the Clintons' involvement in the Whitewater real-estate scheme taken from the White House office of the late Mr...
...Sagawa was recorded at 114.7 decibels...
...And on the condom front there are mixed messages...
...The United States Supreme Court ruled that Mr...
...A non-belief is considered a religion, also," the dunce informed his local newspaper...
...In Tokyo, Japan, Mr...
...Proxmire advises...
...Bean...
...Masahiro Sagawa, a cook, won more than $900 at the thirteenth annual Year-End Shouting Contest, his message being the rather beautiful and compassionate line "The pants I just bought were ripped...
...Robert Kahles, 27, after his ex-girlfriend, whom he had been accused of stalking, committed suicide...
...In what appears to be a multicultural debacle, two young men in Stuart, Florida, have been severely punished for individual acts of violence against kittens...
...At his own expense, former senator William Proxmire has published a new metaphysical treatise entitled Your Joyride to Health...
Vol. 27 • February 1994 • No. 2
