The Continuing Crisis
• November comes and goes, and for those of us who have doubted the value of the Liberal Enterprise, history proceeds allegretto con brio. President Bill Clinton, that testudinate jogger who would...
...health experts have found Australia's high consumption of alcohol admirably suited for their studies...
...Apparently it is malum in se to pay the citizenry not to vote, though the urban Democrats' tradition of paying the citizenry to vote with monies and a fine bottle of Thunderbird is permissible, perhaps even compassionate...
...Garry Trudeau, remains in seclusion after Southern California's three largest dailies refused to print the genius's hilarious send-up of the California fires...
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...Faculty members and administrators alike fear that it is only a matter of time before they are forced to extend the entire Bill of Rights to their campus and then all hell could break loose...
...Edward M. Kennedy, the good kind of sexual harasser...
...Meanwhile, all five of the Democrats' female senators have endorsed the re-election efforts of Sen...
...On the one hand, it is a national embarrassment that U.S...
...And another effort by the Clinton White House to display its neoteric wizardry went awry: Unveiling its health-care program, the Clinton Miracle Workers distributed their 1,342-page bill to the press on 1,000 computer disks...
...According to the Post, many of those brought from the BedfordStuyvesant Health Center were "disoriented...
...Consider this: While Mr...
...Unfortunately some were befouled by a virus from sources unknown but not completely alien to this administration...
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...The University of Pennsylvania, with enormous trepidation, abandoned its "speech code," despite the fact that six months ago the code snagged a white male calling five ladies of color "water buffaloes...
...The eatery was supposed to be a feminist gathering place—but what feminist in Washington has time to eat...
...Christine Todd Whitman, he saw to it that persons of color were handsomely rewarded for not voting...
...In Worcester, Massachusetts, the reclusive Miss Adele A. Gaboury's neighbors, who have spent the past four years gladly mowing her lawn and collecting her mail, can take it easy...
...Apparently, the White House prodigies neglected to guard against such viruses, though Miss Lorraine Voles, the White House's steatopygic deputy press secretary, confides, "We think we got healthy disks...
...The Twentyfourth Annual Survey of High Achievers conducted by Who's Who Among American High School Students discovered that nearly 80 percent of the Republic's high school juniors and seniors with at least B averages admit to some cheating in the classroom...
...Brought to you by the miracle of the human pituitary gland, the largest player in NBA history made his debut for the Washington Bullets...
...In New York City, Mr...
...Later in the month the boyish president granted an interview to NBC's "Meet the Press," wherein Mr...
...Rush Limbaugh, the greatest American of our time...
...Thanatophile cultist Maria Devi Khrystos and forty of her followers were arrested in Kiev Cathedral after threats of mass suicides...
...Rollins spent the rest of the month appearing before grand juries and considering suicide, no controversy whatsoever developed in New York City despite an authoritative report in the New York Post that the Democrats transported carloads of mental defectives from...
...Moreover, these same environmental wowsers opposed a proposal by city officials to create a three-million-gallon reservoir that would have been helpful in extinguishing fires...
...Disks received by the Bloomberg Business News came infected with the computer virus, "Stoned III...
...Once booted up they flashed the message, "Your PC is stoned—legalize marijuana...
...It is school policy at Eielson not to release the identity of a victim of a sanitary napkin hanging...
...Australians greeted with ambivalence the news that the Unites States government has chosen to use them in testing how many drinks it takes to damage a human brain...
...Evidence came to light that growth hormones were used in years past to beef up a popular breed of Soviet livestock, when Moscow traffic police spokesman Ivan Belyzh attributed the malfunction of up to 23 percent of the Russian capital's traffic lights to an epidemic of gigantic rats that feed on the cables supplying them with power...
...In Moscow, authorities closed the Lenin Museum, shutting off yet another tourist attraction for the Yale Law School's summer travel program...
...London's Sunday Telegraph reported that California officials studying the cause of those disastrous fires that destroyed 350 homes in Laguna Beach are laying much of the blame on eco-freaks who four years ago refused to allow 8 The American Spectator January 1994 the local fire department to conduct controlled burning of brush, for fear that it might imperil air quality and wildlife...
...The same night, elsewhere in Washington, the free traders rallied to rout the protectionists, 234-200...
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...Maria Devi had claimed the world would end on November 24, but later pushed the deadline up to November 14 so it wouldn't conflict with her scheduled resurrection...
...Besides intermediate and advanced audio-cassette courses—most developed for the D.S...
...Senate owing to charges that for two decades he repeatedly committed the bad kind of sexual harassment...
...Police entered her dilapidated home and discovered the cause of her remoteness...
...Early in the month Mr...
...Harold Maddox of Gardiner, Washington, for shooting out a radio that was broadcasting the stentorian voice of Mr...
...In Fairbanks, Alaska, four hussies from Eielson High School have been charged with violating that institution's new anti–sexual harassment code after they attempted to stick a sanitary napkin on the back of an unnamed male student and practically ruined his life...
...Still, there was at least one victory for feminists, albeit short-lived...
...The Democrats also lost in Virginia, after portraying the Republicans as a party of violent Christian bigots intent on mollycoddling gun-wielding teenagers, sexual harassers, child pornographers, and various other miscreants who now haunt the liberal imagination...
...Allan Hoover, son of the former president, died, age 86...
...Clinton deposited on the record, "When historians look at this first year, they will be hard pressed to find many first years of presidencies that equal ours...
...Raymond Diaz perished after losing a game of Russian roulette...
...the Bedford-Stuyvesant Community Health Center to vote for Mayor David Dinkins...
...Ed Rollins boasted to journalists that whilst advising New Jersey's Republican gubernatorial candidate, Mrs...
...In Washington, Mrs...
...On November 19, Mr...
...Robert Packwood, announced that his client was preparing to resign from the U.S...
...Esther Bramwell, the New York City Board of Elections Coordinator, though she betrayed an appalling ignorance of the average Democratic voter when she affirmed, "I know these people aren't competent and that they're being told to vote for the Democrats...
...Finally, our roving correspondent infiltrated Mr...
...A few days later, Packwood changed his mind...
...Larry King's 60th birthday party at The Decatur House, across the street from the White House...
...It was a perfect display of the essential ingredients of modern Washington...
...The Senate passed the Brady Bill, authorizing a 5-day waiting period for the purchase of handguns...
...No page in any issue of Mad magazine has contained such a collection of grotesque faces, all disfigured by years of greed, envy, and hustle...
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...On the other hand, if the drinks are on the house, what the hell...
...The liberal Democrats even lost New York City, where Rudy Giuliani became the first Republican mayor since John Lindsay (and some Republican he was...
...After the elections, a vexed controversy ignited when Mr...
...Another, while being led to a voting booth, repeatedly explained: "Bowling, goin' bowling...
...James F. Fitzpatrick, lawyer to Sen...
...Limbaugh's voice continued to resound from the maimed radio, for the improvement of all mankind, while Mr...
...Of course, progressives could insist that the university be moved to an environment more conducive to higher learning, for instance, Havana or Pyongyang...
...The artiste, Mr...
...White House morale suffered a calamitous decline when Miss Dee Dee Meyers, the callipygean White House spokeswoman, announced that staffers will not be getting MTV on any of the more than 100 television sets that bejewel the White House system...
...Seven-footseven, 333-pound Gheorghe Muresan, recent graduate of the University of Cluj in Romania, sank three consecutive foul shots in the last 49 seconds of a 117-104 win over the Milwaukee Bucks...
...Strenuous efforts at wit were woodenly made, reminding us that the proper prefix for Washington wit is nit...
...Our 22nd year...
...RET C Want to brush up on a foreign language...
...Beethoven and Mozart often were accorded the same philistine incomprehension, though neither had the benefit of an education at the Yale University School of Art and Architecture...
...Also from Washington comes word that Hillary's restaurant, founded less than a year ago in the euphoria that attended the arrival of the Arkansas superwoman, has gone belly-up...
...When asked by a poll-watcher whom he was going to vote for, one man responded, "Mommy...
...Guilford, CT 06437 (203)453-9794 j The American Spectator January 1994 9...
...Helen Fritsche Cronkite, the mother of Walter Cronkite, died, age 101...
...The passage followed the arrest of Mr...
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...The unedifying spectacle offended Mrs...
...Maddox made the preposterous plea of innocence to charges of "reckless endangerment"—nothing was said about treason...
...President Bill Clinton, that testudinate jogger who would be Our Leader, was soundly thrashed in the off-year elections, even in New Jersey, where he and his decorative wife made personal appearances for the re-election of tax-and-spend governor James Florio...
...She has been dead for the past four years and lying in a pile of debris in her kitchen...
Vol. 27 • January 1994 • No. 1
