The Continuing Crisis
• August was another triumphant month for Our President and his elegant wife, Bruno. Neither was subpoenaed or indicted or even asked to take a polygraph. True, in Jersey City, New Jersey, on August...
...and as his dark suits made Painfully Clear, he has a terrifying case of Dandruff...
...True, in Jersey City, New Jersey, on August 1, as he extolled his healthcare scheme, he walloped his lectern for emphasis, and the presidential seal fell off...
...He does have the option of filing his own suit against some of the nation's leading manufacturers of nail polish for packing euphoriants into their product that drive men such as Mr...
...He was attempting to dissuade the sheep from devouring another of his improbable friends, the many blades of grass on his lawn...
...Robert Dale Shepard, 34, as reported here last month, escaped by climbing a rope that he had quietly and unobtrusively braided from forty-eight packages of mint-flavored, waxed floss purchased in the commissary...
...Lee Bernstein, has discovered a wooden,cru- cifix on his front lawn with a dead baby muskrat nailed to it in a crucifixion-like position...
...In the plush north side of Indianapolis, Indiana, that reign of terror that has forced many neighborhood women to wear shoes all summer long ended when police arrested Mr...
...That is what the Observer of London reported on August 21, along with pictures of the pudgy murderer that put one in mind of yet another murderer with a bon-bon problem, the late Mao Tse-tung...
...In Conway, Arkansas, Miss Robin Carson, an ex–frozen yogurt store cake decorator, pled guilty to putting a laxative in cake icing destined for a customer who was rude to Miss Carson's boyfriend, the store manager...
...There was more bad news for Mr...
...On at least three occasions the 24-year-old cleaning worker, who is not well known in the area, approached unsuspecting women and claimed he was brushing a bug or some other foreign object from their toes...
...Certainly none of his aides would have remembered to look for him...
...compared his removal on charges of mismanagement and sexual harassment to the Crucifixion...
...And finally, a Gallup-CNN-USA Today poll put Our President's national approval rating at its lowest ever, 39 percent...
...Just hours later Republicans in the Senate scotched another of President Clinton's Inaccurately Named bills, the health-care bill...
...Nor can it be Denied that two Administration officials (one a college Chum) were pressured to retire from Public Life by incredulous Senators who are of the Opinion that these officials Clintoned repeatedly during Senate Whitewatergate hearings...
...Alzheimer's Syndrome has been particularly devastating to Mr...
...George Stephanopoulos, who sat Listlessly before the Senators blankly intoning "I do not remember" more times than anyone can remember...
...Melvin W. Harney...
...Toe-lickers have rights, too...
...His attorneys reported on August 15 that a biopsy of tissue taken from the famous athlete's lymph nodes shows no signs of cancer...
...On August 11, the vast majority of House Republicans, along with fifty-eight adults from the Democratic Party, blocked consideration of President Clinton's Inaccurately Named crime bill...
...The move came two months after Mr...
...Moreover, it appears that an astonishingly high incidence of Alzheimer's Syndrome has hit the Administration, which is Troubling, given the Administration's refreshing youthfulness and immaturity...
...The pathos of the scene made a lot of the many Washington cuties who adore Mr...
...One or two even stumbled over his or her name...
...Then things would get out of hand...
...Sometimes they sing in a nocturnal chorus of great beauty...
...Stephanopoulos's mousy good looks Very Sad...
...They were among the Administration's most Forgetful...
...Chavis, but from what two women have alleged in their sexual harassment complaints, can we lay that "crucifixion" and "resurrection" to your perpetual state of arousal...
...James Herriot, author of All Creatures Great and Small, has suffered a painful embarrassment...
...Harney was arrested for accosting women, threatening them at gun point, and either fondling or licking their toes whilst masturbating...
...What is more, a year after the Clinton budget raised Taxes and Spending with the solemn promise that these measures would cut interest rates, interest rates Rose for the fifth time this year...
...Late at night Friends of the Grass can put their ears to it and hear a kind of communication between the many blades...
...Simpson...
...Steiner's fellow Rhodes scholar, Mr...
...If he did, his inconvenience could have lasted for hours...
...Speaking the day after his dismissal, he told an anti-NAACP rally that his earlier selection as NAACP executive director "took place on Good Friday...
...RET The American Spectator October 1994 11...
...Robert Fiske whilst tapping former solicitor-general Kenneth Starr to serve as independent counsel...
...Now it is the Christian Left's turn and its members have been particularly active this past month...
...Herriot has had his fill of farm animals, maybe he or some other dotty Brit will prepare a book on this stupefying subject, titling it All Things Green and Great...
...Mr...
...There were, alas, other Mournful Tidings...
...Alarmed by the murder of Dr...
...But today we celebrate the resurrection...
...And speaking of crucified rats, after being ousted from leadership of the NAACP, Mr...
...Made world-renowned by his gentle accounts of the irenic ways of farm animals and of the lovable British country veterinarian who befriends them, the 77-year-old writer was repeatedly butted and trampled by sheep on his front lawn...
...Now that Mr...
...Green grass is actually not the boring impersonal stuff it seems to be, but quite loving and intelligent...
...He even forgot that his diary was a Diary...
...Police expect other women to come forward, and on the day he was arrested, August 19, a hitherto unheard-from woman called police charging that whilst she was shopping for her fall wardrobe a man lying under a clothing rack licked her feet...
...John Britton, an abortionist, in front of an abortion clinic, a clandestine group in Florida has vowed to kill ten priests for every one person killed in front of an abortion clinic...
...Joshua Steiner, could not even remember what he was supposed to Forget...
...Now there has been a crucifixion...
...Benjamin F. Chavis, Jr...
...This could be the beginning of a Foot Fetishists' Rights Movement...
...Harney to desperation...
...It was that along with financial ineptitude that turned you into this preposterous messiah manqu...
...Harney is being charged with 10 The American Spectator October 1994 several offenses of a sexual nature...
...But who can trust such a poll when so many other things are going so Right for this remarkable collection of moral and intellectual colossi...
...Secretary of the Treasury Lloyd Bentsen, after his oblivious testimony, appeared even to have forgotten which door led out of the Dirksen Senate Office Building, and the old boy may have exited into a Closet...
...It is also True that several days later, during his matutinal jog, he scuffed some bodily parts after tripping in front of the Watergate...
...Well, okay, Mr...
...On August 14, Carlos the Jackal, the world's most wanted terrorist was arrested in Sudan while under anesthesia for a tummy tuck...
...One, Mr...
...Authorities at West Virginia's year-old, $12.5 million South Central Regional jail are braving lawsuits by prisoners' rights groups and ending the sale of dental floss at that beleaguered facility...
...Miss Mary Ross Agosta of the Catholic Archdiocese of Miami verified that the threat was made in a telephone call on August 10, and that neither nuns nor altar boys were mentioned, only priests, which is pretty sexist and ageist for people who brag of their progressive ideals...
...Seventeen customers were deleteriously affected...
...Early in the month, a score of Administration officials testified before the Senate Banking Committee—many entering the room unassisted by walkers or attendants—yet hardly any could remember Anything...
...In Union Beach, New Jersey, a defender of rats, Mr...
...Oh yes, and a three-judge panel did cashier the inscrutable Mr...
Vol. 27 • October 1994 • No. 10
