The Continuing Crisis
•July brought a gratifying hiatus in the Clinton highjinks. Boy Clinton's schizophrenic budget of increased spending and "deficit cuts" inched through a dazed congressional negotiating seance....
...Nonetheless, its passage is being esteemed very auspicious, even as the resultant recession will be appraised very mysterious...
...He has been asked to seek other employment...
...None of our rustic president's other hitherto unknown siblings has turned up from jerkwater, and brother Roger remains free of the hoosegow...
...The widely respected New York Times reports that members of the Navy have been distributing "T-shirts emblazoned with lewd statements about Representative Patricia Schroeder," and she does not think they are very nice...
...On July 12, an abandoned ranger headquarters at Tahquamenon Falls State Park blew sky-high, sending debris a hundred feet into the atmosphere and alarming campers fourteen miles away...
...President...
...are under investigation by three federal investigators...
...On the evening of July 24, Drs...
...The Midwest soaked under some of the worst flooding since Noah, and on July 15 police in Los Angeles arrested four members of the Fourth Reich Skin Heads for conspiring to perpetrate the most flagitious White Supremacist plot since the Republicans put Mr...
...Proof of the woes organized labor suffers these days came in San Diego, when the famed topless dancers at Pacer's rejected Local 30 of the Hotel and Restaurant Employees Union, and in London it was no go for Mrs...
...In other religious news, Mr...
...And in Washington there is growing concern that the Clinton administration might be history's first government to be overthrown not by a violent coup but by an uprising of laughter—millions of freedom-loving Americans marching on Washington carrying banners emblazoned with jokes and caricatures of the oafs in government...
...Foster as "one of the best and the brightest," with whom the Clintons were wont to pass long evenings "listening to music and drinking spirits [sic] and being incredibly silly [sic, again...
...The explosion now has been traced to bat manure that for decades had been generating methane gas until in mid-July it became highly volatile andkaboom...
...The Big Chill begins with a party of phony 1960s revolutionaries now crapulent with bourgeois acquisitions gathering for the funeral of one of their college chums, who has taken his own life...
...Scientists believe that a similar cataclysm eight million years ago gave us the beginnings of the universe, though even scientists cannot account for those early bats, and for those of a religious disposition a world created by bat dung is too depressing to contemplate...
...George Yoerger, a substitute mail carrier in Moville, Iowa, refused to deliver Time and Newsweek magazines to the 301 persons on his route after deciding—not without reason!—that both magazines contained "sinful" material...
...It is a line he reiterates with growing desperation, while Washington echoes with rumors of Mr...
...This whole White House crowd, every yuppie one of them, has had his life scripted in Hollywood by the disciples of Freud and Jung and Erich Fromm...
...On July 14 Mr...
...Did he say "laughing...
...the White House's internal report on l'affaire Travelgate admittedly implicated one of the president's cracker cousins and a Hollywood huckster in abusing their authority and ill-using the FBI, but so low have Washington ethics declined that no one was canned...
...In another attempt to deter auto theft, the government of Yemen had four thieves beheaded...
...Patricia Schroeder continues to be the target of conspiracy fomented by members of the United States Navy...
...One of London's leading advocates of ancient Chinese herbal medicines, Dr...
...Harold Reed, has been practicing with exquisite skill and handsome remuneration ($2,000) Augmentation Phalloplasty, or penile elongation...
...Clinton elaborated: "We've been up real late two nights in a row now, remembering and crying and laughing...
...Clinton came off as a diplomatic colossus, his only reported gaffe being his lamentable practice of addressing the wife of South Korean President Kim Young Sam by the wrong name...
...RET...
...Call it Condomgate...
...Do the bereaved laugh after a suicide—not an ordinary death, a suicide...
...He then sang "It's Not Easy Being Green," a song applicable to the entire Clinton -administration, though it originated with Kermit the frog...
...The Times's report would not divulge the content of those statements, and at this writing our crack team of investigative reporters has not been able to locate any of the offending T-shirts, though somehow when thinking of Rep...
...David Atherton, apprised BBC listeners that some Chinese herbal remedies for eczema contain steroid cream—a "filthy trick" that, adjudges the indignant British purist...
...Mr...
...Which race is embarrassed about its jumping skill, America's newspaper of record did not say...
...Down in Little Rock, President Clinton eulogized Mr...
...For two days they ruefully reminisce late into the night, regretting their departed revolutionary ardor, crying, laughing, and fornicating...
...In Leipzig, Germany, the late Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's 228-year-old champagne bill at Auerbach's tavern has been paid...
...Denise Bisson had beheld imbedded in her lawn and assumed to be a stupendous piece of modern sculpture turned out to be a frozen corpse, most likely the tragic droppings of an aeroplane in whose landing gear the unfortunate wretch had attempted to stow away...
...And there was other reassuring news: no more attempts were made to turn Air Force I into a beauty parlor for that big, loveable lug some call Mr...
...The Hon...
...Best of all, the Boy President's embarrassment over sodomites in the military was assuaged when the Joint Chiefs of Staff accepted a compromise on their homosexual ban...
...Everyone laughed, but neither lady had one on her...
...As to Mr...
...In suburban Paris, that which Mrs...
...From historic Newberry, Michigan, comes more evidence in support of the Big Bang theory of creation...
...According to ES, "length is increased by up to one and three-quarter inches by snipping the [now redundant] suspensory ligament at the base of the penis...
...Donna Shalala and Joycelyn Elders, the administration's leading champions of the noble condom, were asked by the editor of this journal for an autographed condom as they passed his table at The Palm restaurant...
...No one else did, and as all heads turned upwards toward the triumphant wanker in our president's box, a wave of hisses ensued, along with at least one embarrassed nose blow...
...London's authoritative ES magazine reported that a Miami surgeon, Dr...
...Don Henley, the environmental activist and former drummer for the Eagles, evoked a fortissimo of boos at the Milwaukee, Wisconsin Summerfest when he made bold to dedicate a non-threatening, aurally hygienic, and generally imbecilic song to our Boy President—and to his surprise...
...Julie Amiri, the 35-year-old 300-pounder who, upon being arrested for shoplifting, sought exculpation by telling the court that shoplifting was the only way she could achieve orgasm...
...On July 20, deputy White House counsel Vincent Foster, Jr., late of Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm and boyhood friend of Bill, took his life in a park overlooking Washington, and for the next couple of days his old chums gathered...
...Dale W. Lick, was in danger of losing his bid to become president of Michigan State University, owing to his 1989 public profanation that "a black athlete can actually outjump a white athlete on the average, so they're better at the game [basketball...
...Foster's motives for dispatching himself, the president iterates, "I don't think there is anything more to know...
...There has been a fourfold increase in beheadings in Saudi Arabia, causing the pecksniffs of Amnesty International to issue another of their namby-pamby remonstrances...
...Foster's intimacy with Hillary, his intimacy with various ham-fisted White House political maneuvers, and his stewardship over the Clintons' finances...
...Bob Hattoy, the White House's career homosexual, startled theater-goers at the Kennedy Center when, during a scene of Homosexual Revelation in The Twilight of the Golds, he leaped from his seat in in the president's box and applauded lustily...
...To the Washington Post, Mr...
...Hence, just possibly, the Saudis could evade Amnesty International's pique were they to substitute the word "beheading" with "snipping...
...On July 23 the venerable New York Post reported that "two major business deals linked to the former firm of White House lawyer Vincent Foster, Jr...
...And police in New York City arrested Mr...
...Schroeder, "Nosebleed of the United States House of Representatives," as she is called, it is hard to come up with any lewd thoughts whatsoever...
...She was fined $150...
...at the G-7 meeting in Tokyo, Mr...
...Many students, faculty members, state officials," the Times reports, thought that utterance, "at the very least, insensitive...
...His bond was a mere $5,000, a pittance that the less fortunate captain of the Exxon Valdez must envy...
...Yet, even in blissful July, multiple bizarreries accumulated, leaving seasoned observers with the sense that the Clinton administration is actually a gigantic reenactment of The Big Chill, that 1983 film of yuppie middle-aged crisis, apostasy, and hustle...
...W. Horton to their evil purposes back in 1988...
...Kenneth D. Moresön, 36, after he stole three quarts of oil from a service station and poured the liquid over his person to "ward off evil spirits...
...Yet progressives continue to strive against BushReaganism, and the New York Times on July 22 reported that the president of Florida State University, Mr...
Vol. 26 • September 1993 • No. 9
