The Continuing Crisis
• June was a hellish month in politics. A No-confidence vote against Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa conduced to the crack-up of his Liberal Party, portending finito to its 38-year dominance...
...Quite possibly Mr...
...That San Francisco disc jockey who made bold to mock Our President's historic haircut by blocking rush-hour on the Bay Bridge while he had his own hair treated was fined $500 by Judge Charlotte Walter Woolard and condemned to three years probation and 100 hours of community service...
...I'm shocked," declares Mr...
...Evans denies the charge, but certain of his pupils testify that the pronunciation of Miss Fofana's last and first names defeated the embarrassed teacher, whereupon he turned to his class and blurted out, "Never mind, we'll just have to call her golliwog...
...British Prime Minister John Major's approval rating slipped to 16 percent, the lowest for any British prime minister since the end of World War II...
...In Teheran, Iran, morals police began a crackdown against infractions of the Islamic dress code by arresting over 800 women for wearing sunglasses...
...A No-confidence vote against Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa conduced to the crack-up of his Liberal Party, portending finito to its 38-year dominance of Japanese politics...
...In Liberia, 300 refugees were slaughtered by Liberian rebels in what observers are esteeming the most heinous atrocity in recent African history...
...Ritzenthaler spent days valiantly attempting to get through...
...Fighting continued in Somalia and Bosnia and Azerbaijan, and in Chicago, Illinois, where three sports fans were killed and over 1,000 arrested during nocturnal festivities in celebration of the Chicago Bulls' third straight National Basketball Association title...
...Then, coarse, dark hairs appeared on her chest and arms—all against her will...
...In Liverpool, England, controversy rages over whether Mr...
...Most interesting of all, her hair grew back, suggesting a rather dramatic cure for balding in those rare instances when a bald man actually has ovaries...
...Allegedly Mr...
...Rollen Frederick Stewart, also known as "Rainbow Man," to herald the second coming of Jesus Christ at a Los Angeles hotel led to his conviction on six criminal counts on June 11...
...Pankaj Popat, owner of the Birchy Hill nursing home, charged Miss Deborah Wale, a nurse, of putting a dead mouse in his sandwich...
...I don't know what they could have been thinking of...
...Once again we see the wisdom of that sadly neglected maxim, "We must get the environment before it gets us...
...Stewart's heralding had involved taking a hotel maid hostage and issuing "terroristic threats...
...silk wedding kimono and sweating profusely, Masako Owada, a Harvard graduate, became the crown princess of Japan by marrying Crown Prince Naruhito...
...Then he tied her legs to her chair with string as friends at his table laughed uproariously...
...In Los Angeles, California, the efforts of Mr...
...In Indianapolis, Indiana, Special Judge Nancy Broyles demonstrated that there are limits even for environmentalists protesting in the country's growing anti-fragrances movement...
...All were injured when the famed Krakatoa volcano gave off a small eruption just as they were peering over it, and their companion, a Miss Kelly whose first name is still unavailable, was killed...
...Presently she began to go bald after the fashion of so many middle-aged New Jersey men, and her bowling game went to hell...
...Also from London comes word that Miss Lisa Chapman, 23, homeless and unemployed, has been fined $120 by a British court for leaving Ziggy, her pet rat, unattended for six days...
...Bill was willing, the chatter-show audiences being about his only remaining supporters...
...Her symptoms immediately subsided...
...Yet there are on this orb those happy spots where all is political bliss and progress...
...Fifty-seven percent of the electorate have returned President Punsalmaagiyn Ochirbat (sic) to office in his country's first direct presidential election...
...RET...
...Frost murdered Miss Kathleen 0. Boyd, because her bad breath offended him...
...The Commerce Department reported that the American economy grew at only 0.9 percent, inspiring Commerce Secretary Ron Brown to insist on the passage of his boss's budget bill...
...Henry Leon Ritzenthaler emerged from the swales of Paradise, California, with positive proof that he is our Boy President's long lost half-brother, and all America marveled as the president and Mr...
...President Bill Clinton's approval continued to decline, and by month's end was lower than that of any American president at the end of the first quarter of the first year of his last term in office...
...Conway Twitty died, and safety experts continue to express their shock that a recently fired USAir pilot, Captain Jon Swartzentruber, allowed an off-duty flight attendant, Miss Jane Zweber, to sit in his seat during a landing...
...Though married for many years, the woman had remained nulliparous...
...Two Indonesian adulterers were nabbed in a remote village and forced to have sex in public with their clothes off while villagers watched and chewed catshat, a local euphoriant...
...Oprah, Phil Donahue, and Sally Jesse Raphael all dreamed of getting both clods on the air for a good cry...
...Or has he taken the side of the rebarbative feminist hordes...
...After she completed a process that doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital have dubbed "virilization," her driving improved...
...In Vienna, Austria, former President' Jimmy Carter evoked repeated boos and guffaws when he delivered a human rights speech before the U.N.-sponsored World Human Rights Conference, and the thirty-ninth President has not lost his knack for betraying his country when abroad and sniveling up to any Third World poseur who might reproach his country...
...Brown is a more thunderous economic illiterate than Boy Clinton...
...Even Lady Thatcher expressed sympathy...
...Brent Bowen, director of the University of Nebraska's Aviation Institute...
...Paul Korotki's order that she stop smoking...
...Kenneth P. Frost, 48, to sixty years in prison...
...In Mongolia's leading metropolis, Ulan Bator, amid the oxen and streptococci, in a land where no Miss Universe will ever walk but where fat yogurt barons doze through drowsy afternoons, their children splashing in the mud puddles, their women picking their teeth in the kitchen, political history has been made...
...The environmentalists' case for the fragility and general benignity of the environment is going to be a good bit harder to make if five hikers in Cilegon, Indonesia, have anything to say about it...
...Wearing a 30-1b...
...The authoritative, and occasionally quite ribald, New England Journal of Medicine reports that a 56-year-old woman—unnamed!—began inexplicably to turn into a man seven years ago after what was admittedly an unusual menopause spent somewhere in the New Jersey interior...
...Miss Wale denied the charge and claimed sexual harassment involving breast clasping and bottom grappling...
...Still, doctors insist that the woman's sex life was "completely normal" (whatever that might mean in New Jersey...
...Perhaps Professor Bowen has not seen la Zweber's nicely turned ankles...
...It took days before they reached each other, though the press was in hourly contact with both...
...In London, Mr...
...Lodogiyn Tudev, lending credence to sociologists' widely held belief that Mongolians are suckers for long unpronounceable names...
...Doctors were initially tipped off to the irregular condition when she began to grow a beard...
...The disc jockey, Mr...
...James Evans, a 43-year-old teacher at Gateacre Comprehensive School, did indeed call a 15-year-old pupil, Miss Alimatou Fofana, a golliwog...
...Ultimately, when doctors discovered dangerously high levels of male hormones, androgens, in the woman's blood, they took action and removed her ovaries...
...The ants were quietly dispersed in a garden after activists threatened legal proceedings against the entire Biennale...
...On October 23, 1990, Mr...
...Then Mr...
...In Timonium, Maryland, Miss Debra J. Lowenstein, 40, was assaulted in the smoking section of the Happy Cork restaurant after she refused Mr...
...Many of the corpses had been reduced to a kind of grisly puree by the machete-wielding reformers...
...He beat Mr...
...In Venice, Italy, members of the insect rights movement scored an unexpected victory when Japanese artist Yukinori Yangi was ordered to release 5,000 ants that he was displaying in a series of biz,arre transpar, ent boxes at the Venice Biennale, a prestigious art exhibit...
...A criminal summons has been issued for the abstemious prankster...
...There has, been more violence on the tobacco front...
...After the boos abated, this pert jackass then allowed that he too disagreed with many American policies...
...Korotki, a lawyer of unsavory repute, grabbed Miss Lowenstein by the neck and struck her several times, all the while shouting "Heal...
...She sentenced Mr...
...Mancow Muller, also faces a civil lawsuit...
Vol. 26 • August 1993 • No. 8
