The Continuing Crisis
• May—and happy days are here again: Mr. Rush Limbaugh's capitalistic exhortations turned out 35,000 decent Americans to Mr. Dan Kay's bake sale in Fort Collins, Colorado. Mr. Kay can now pay for...
...Historically our students have acquired foreign language skills only with the utmost difficulty...
...Here there are many openings on college faculties where America's homeless might raise the intellectual tone of campus life and at places like the University of Pennsylvania perhaps even raise the level of hygiene among the primitive professoriate...
...A Long Island woman, Miss Lynn Wult, 33, an inspector for the Suffolk County Consumers Affairs Department, opened a can of mushrooms purchased by her at the First National Food Market Inc...
...Now Dr...
...Fred Fna's mail into Mrs...
...That is a bit over the top, Miss Suffolk County Consumer Affairs Inspector, even if the unwanted discovery did cause you to scream, throw up, and suffer a recrudescence of an old eating disorder that now requires therapy...
...In Portland, Oregon, Mr...
...There is a remedy for the United States Postal Service and its thousands of slow-moving, elephantine cargo carriers who lumber so painfully to our doors: stuffing Mr...
...As mild weather returns to the North American continent, fresh hordes of homeless are obstructing the sidewalks of major American metropolises with their beggar's cups and plangent solicitations, all interlarded with the rhetoric heard at past Democratic national conventions and with the sort of sociological gibbering that leaps from the mouth of the fair Hillary and bellyflops so rudely...
...Kay can now pay for The Limbaugh Letter...
...Good going, fellows...
...The Kuantan Municipal Council is hiring aborigines to train its staff in the use of blowpipes equipped with tranquilizers for stunning the city's multitudes of stray dogs...
...Majaz Moonis to the annual meeting of the American Academy, of Neurology suggests that a mishap suffered a year ago by an unnamed 46-year-old Massachusetts man may allow a significant advance in the teaching of foreign languages to American students...
...He has vetoed a student government proposal to set aside sixty rooms for the campus's militant homosexuals at historic Clara Dickson Hall, perhaps after renaming it Rock Hudson Hall or Liberace Hall or simply Himmler Hall...
...The sedated dogs of Kuala Lumpur are ultimately destroyed by the local Veterinary Services Department, but Americans need not stoop to such barbarism...
...and discovered, amid the delicate stems, a human finger...
...Limbaugh over the radio weeks before that he could not afford the price...
...The Associated Press has provided a useful clarification as to why a pig was found in the casket of Mrs...
...Ira Magaziner and the ubiquitous Mr...
...He had never studied French and in point of fact never even traveled farther from his Worcester, Massachusetts home than a brief fling in New Jersey...
...In Kuwait, investigators have turned up evidence that during former President Bush's recent visit agents of Iraq's President Saddam Hussein attempted to do him in...
...Needless to say, the Goldbergs' lawyers are cleaning up...
...It was a purchase that she had not intended, going, as it does...
...And back in Washington an ABC poll registered for our president the lowest rating of approval (46 percent) and the highest rating of disapproval (48 percent) for any president at this stage of his presidency...
...At this writing the booty has yet to be recovered...
...President Boris Yeltsin and his program of democratic capitalism were the targets of violent street demonstrations by opponents whose visions of managed health care and industrial policy put one in mind of nothing so much as the works of the weird Mr...
...Roberts missed while attempting to shoot an arrow through a can atop Mr...
...Rather than "turn him [Mr...
...Limbaugh suggested the bake sale, and people came from as far away as the United Kingdom...
...Anthony Roberts can be grateful that he has such a small brain...
...Mimi Lazarus Goldberg of Honolulu, Hawaii...
...The president's action may, indeed, have been stimulated by a wholesome reactionary streak, but it could have been stimulated by a progressive impulse...
...The remedy is to be found in Thailand...
...David Koresh had he survived last month's notorious fire was provided on May 3, when Idaho filed suit against Mr...
...Then the populist president shut down two of Los Angeles International Airport's four runways, delayed thirty-seven flights costing the carriers $76, 479, while a ludicrous Hollywood coiffeur trimmed his frizz for fifty-six minutes at the cost of $200...
...And, after $5,500 of artificial breasts were stolen from a store in Boca, Florida, police spokeswoman Miss Sonya Friedman theorized that the heist was the work of a transvestite ring that also hit a nearby dress shop—recall if you will, Miss Friedman, that the critic Mr...
...and Mrs...
...Things will get worse...
...A report by Dr...
...From Lyon, France, comes word that it is going to be even more convenient for Frenchmen to become blind drunk...
...George Jean Nathan once noted that women have dirtier minds than men...
...President Clinton decided to send troops and offensive aircraft to Bosnia, then only aircraft, then only Warren Christopher, whose initials provoke such hilarity among the French...
...New York Senator Alfonse D'Amato's brother was convicted of mail fraud, and Alabama's former governor Mr...
...In Ithaca, New York, Cornell University President Frank H.T...
...and so she is suing the food store and Giorgio Foods of Temple, Pennsylvania, for $15 million...
...Moonis has discovered some two dozen cases of FAS in the scientific literature, and if he can just find enough daring students with autos he can start a serious experiment in teaching foreign languages...
...Doubtless President Clinton's Department of Transportation will provide the requisite government grant...
...A presentiment of the government levy that awaited the Rev...
...The casket was being sent from Honolulu to Oakland, California, by the widely respected Nuuanu Mortuary and apparently the pig, which had been placed in a bag for disposal, was mistaken by an embalmer for Mrs...
...Ethel Amplebottom's box and Mrs...
...Finally, the following notice has been sent to all faculty members of Elizabethtown College in Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania: "On May 2, 1993, at about 1:10 p.m...
...Kay] into a ward of the show, dependent on the show for his life and happiness," Mr...
...near the baseball field, two female students were subjected to indecent assault when an unknown male grabbed their breasts and ran off...
...Frederick C. Howard in Scranton, Pennsylvania...
...Rhodes obdurately stood in history's path and shouted "Stop...
...During his initiation rites into an outdoor group called Mountain Men Anonymous, an associate of Mr...
...but now Dr...
...Goldberg's personal effects...
...There, government efficiency experts, according to Bangkok's mass-circulation newspaper Thai Rath, have sped up their traditional communications systems by feeding amphetamines to thirty elephants...
...According to this accomplished neurologist, the aforementioned unnamed gentleman acquired a French accent after walking away from a serious automobile accident...
...Back in the United States, there was evidence that the federal government does at least one thing right: the nation's prison population has reached an all-time high and the number of miscreants jugged by the federal prison system rose significantly faster than that of the states...
...Here then is a humane expedient for eliminating street pests and one that is not without its sporting element...
...against all her ethical and dietary principles...
...RET...
...Thai animal protection officials are distraught because many of the elephants appear to have become amphetamine addicts, but surely the average American postal worker would not object to this innovation and some might even welcome another petty vice into their collection...
...The fire required the services of hundreds of firefighters, and now Idaho is suing the Howards for over $1 million...
...He had complained to Mr...
...Limbaugh declared: "This, today, is a microcosm of what could be happening all over the country if we had the right kind of leadership...
...Possibly he noted the obvious sexual proclivities of the students around him and feared that those sixty rooms at old Clara Dickson Hall would be frightfully overcrowded...
...Roberts's head and pierced his skull, damaging his eye but leaving his comparatively minuscule brain almost fully intact...
...Amplebottom's into the Fittlesins' newspaper tube, and completely mistaking the pink flamingo on the Mussolinis' front lawn for their pit bull and so macing the dreadful objet d'art just before backing over the Chittleson's cat...
...Thailand is not the only country with exemplary solutions for our social problems...
...Moonis's rediscovery of Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) provides hope for these dolts...
...The Howards, aged 67 and 70 respectively, are the Pennsylvania couple whose cross-country automobile vacation was abruptly terminated after a flat-tire on their vehicle sparked a conflagration in the dry grass lining an Idaho roadway...
...Guy Hunt was fined and sentenced to community service stemming from his fraud conviction...
...Now from progressive Kuala Lumpur comes the solution to this vexed problem...
...The prestigious wine-maker, M. Daniel Michaud, is placing new labels on his Beaujolais and they will be in Braille...
...During his appearance in Fort Collins, Mr...
...Robert Reich...
Vol. 26 • July 1993 • No. 7
