The Continuing Crisis
• February passed thus: on February 15 President Bill Clinton outlined his economic plan in a nationally televised address. On February 16 the stock market dropped 83 points. • In religious news,...
...Dick Kirby of Orchard Park, New York, bested defending champion Mr...
...And in Perugia, Italy, Mr...
...He has been traveling Russia instigating orgasms in Russian women that carry with them no threat of communicable disease or impregnation...
...Last month there were over 100 cows poisoned in Canastota, New York...
...Once again we see that the only enduring Liberal political value is not freedom, not order, but disturbing one's neighbor—in this case, the Naked Neighbor...
...Victor Bernal, 57, director of zoos and parks for the federal district of Mexico, intended to transport into Mexico until the disguised agent produced his credentials, causing Mr...
...At the end of the month the largest, most high-spirited, national meeting ever of the Conservative Political Action Conference awarded The American Spectator its accolade for journalistic excellence...
...But now neurotic feminists' complaints of sexual harassment have superseded free expression as a Liberal value and so the authorities expelled their tormentor for sexual harassment...
...President Clinton is raising taxes to assuage the federal deficit and raising spending to jump-start an economy now growing at 5 percent...
...On February 5, Congress passed Bill Clinton's family leave bill, and Dr...
...Boris Zolotov, the respected faith healer...
...and through powerful dirty thoughts of the utmost cogency brings the women to climax without ever touching their persons...
...Blooms may wilt in chilly atmosphere...
...Blooms vary in length, depending on owner...
...This month the New York Department of Sanitation reported an outbreak of garbage truck thefts...
...Glenn was injecting silicone purchased from an auto supply store into the callipygian Miss Pastel so as to enlarge her shapely buttocks when she suddenly and without warning croaked...
...In Mount Pleasant, Texas, city manager Mr...
...Crisis, the journal of lay Catholic opinion, observed its tenth anniversary and made Mr...
...Moore was suspended from the school despite his indignant protests that he had clandestinely posted the epithets as part of a class project for his course on anarchism...
...Fred Kennedy Glenn, the admired practitioner of the postmodern plastic arts...
...Well, there is confusion in the Republic...
...Ronald Mason, Imperial Klaliff of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, has apologized to the United Methodist Church for the unauthorized appropriation by some of his Klansmen of the church's logo, which incorporates both cross and flame in an admittedly fierce symbol...
...Originally Liberal devotion to free expression restrained campus authorities from suggesting that the naked student even wear a deodorant...
...Both died of natural causes...
...Sociology students at Franklin University, upon discovering Mr...
...Glenn's career was put on hold after police in Atlanta, Georgia, charged him with involuntary manslaughter in connection with the death of Miss Sophia Pastel, a 33-year-old transsexual...
...Gilbert Moore, Jr., a student of color...
...February witnessed a continuation of last month's outbreak of anti-Hinduism in New York State...
...The agent had disguised himself in a gorilla suit and secreted himself in a cage, which Mr...
...Elders does take up her safe sex campaign in Washington, do not be surprised if she imports from Russia Mr...
...Walter Parrott of Doe Run, Missouri, in the 17th annual National Wild Turkey Calling Championships...
...In Miami, a federal agent—still unidentified—arrested a Mexican zoo official who was attempting to smuggle a stolen gorilla from the United States...
...He has had to resign his high post after admitting that he drilled a peephole between the men's and women's comfort stations in City Hall, and three female frequenters of the second floor toilet intend to pursue the matter in court lest the rogue "escape with a clean record...
...More than eleven of the majestic machines have been filched since last August and vanished without a whiff...
...Secretary of Defense Les Aspin entered the hospital complaining of chest pains...
...Just before the beginning of Black History Week at Williams College, it was discovered that anti-black slurs scribbled on the entryway of Williams College's Black Student Union were actually the work not of Whitey but of Mr...
...Carnell Cobb and Miss Penny Rush cohabiting amorously in a common trash bin, pitched in and paid for the couple to have a church marriage and honeymoon before returning to the garbage bin...
...The condom cabal suffered a grievous setback when New York City Public Schools Chancellor Joseph Fernandez was let go by the New York Board of Education on February 10...
...When Dr...
...Through all these years no photographer has ever managed to snap a picture of Dr...
...After his failures in nominating Mrs...
...RET...
...At Berkeley, that undergraduate Adonis who had immobilized campus authorities by padding the campus stark naked in protest of "social repression" was finally expelled thanks to the ongoing evolution of Liberalism...
...NBC admitted that it had furtively set off incendiary devices beneath a General Motors truck to demonstrate the combustibility of GM gas tanks...
...Happy Days are here again...
...The Black Student Union that exploited the slurs for days after being notified that they were the work of a fellow black has also been placed under a white cloud...
...With the most brilliant intellect since Jimmy Carter seated on the American throne, the realms of the American intelligentsia are in a veritable rapture of renaissance...
...Bernal to scream and attempt an ill-considered escape...
...Harry Anthony, a 45-year-old student and man of the cloth...
...The National Cancer Institute released a study suggesting that lesbians have a higher incidence of breast cancer, in part because of their well-known contempt for mammograms and many other forms of modem communication...
...Bowen's suspension is for six months, during which he is to undergo psychological tests...
...The aforementioned educational device is, in truth, an ugly floral design sprouting condoms from its stalks, which this insufferable windbag has kept on her desk at the Arkansas Health Department...
...He uses mental telepathy, fills a room with Russian cuties, asks "Who wants an orgasm...
...Secretary of State Warren Christopher (not to be confused with Christopher Warren) declared that the United States would use "the full weight of American diplomacy'" to assuage conflict in Bosnia, whereupon he flew to Beirut and seemed to have disappeared completely by the end of the month...
...Finally, the National Endowment for the Arts can forget about receiving grant proposals from Mr...
...In Ottawa, Ontario, the United Church of Canada suspended the Rev...
...Elders with her mouth shut...
...In another nasty skirmish in the battle between the sexes, a Frenchman successfully had his girlfriend indicted for poisoning him after she, an AIDS carrier, inadvertently infected him with the HIV virus during a session of "tough love...
...There she has been health director for five years, presiding over a staff of 2,600, duds who can boast the second-highest infant mortality rate of any state, the sixth-highest rate of primary and secondary syphilis, the twelfth-highest rate of gonorrhea, and a dozen other health calamities too disgusting to mention...
...Arthur Ashe died of AIDS contracted from a blood transfusion...
...Prayer was not mentioned...
...Christopher Bowen for posing naked and turgid for a homosexual magazine...
...Fifty-eight-year-old Dr...
...Aaron R. Folsom of the University of Minnesota School of Public Health reported that women's waist-hip ratio is a more accurate indicator of a woman's longevity than the more commonly used height-weight calculation, and the former measurement is a great way to meet girls...
...Michael Novak editor-in chief...
...Why the high spirits...
...Two paragons of the Imperial Judiciary perished: Judges Gerhard Gesell, 82, and David Bazelon, 83...
...She is nulliparous, and in no need of nannies...
...As for his Co-President, boasting of her exquisite concern for the nation's health, she is banning smoking from the White House and urging the admission to our shores of immigrants infected with the AIDS virus...
...The Rev...
...In religious news, Mr...
...Joycelyn Elders is coming to Washington as President Clinton's Surgeon General, and she is bringing her "Ozark Rubber Plant" with her...
...Yet the evangels of the sex manual, the condom, and children-of-the-rainbow zoo sex were greeted by some good news in chill February...
...A note attached to her Rubber Plant reads "Blooms mostly at night...
...Zoe Baird and Judge Kimba Wood as attorney general, President Clinton tendered the name of Miss Janet Reno, a Florida prosecutor with a decidedly more conventional life-style...
...Ferruccio Lamborghini, 76, builder of luxury speedsters, shuffled off this mortal coil...
...The marriage was performed by the Rev...
...Clay Collins's superabundant curiosity has gotten him in hot water...
...Yet pockets of Republican benightedness remain...
...Whilst the newlyweds were on holiday, their garbage bin was emptied and refilled three times, assuring the couple of a fresh supply of greens and piquant fragrances...
Vol. 26 • April 1993 • No. 4
