The Continuing Crisis
• October is no longer among us. It will go down in history as the month in which Boy Clinton's foreign policy showed itself to be at one with his domestic policy, that is, a disaster executed by...
...Moreover, all the corpses had about the same vital statistics as the models in Milan and the same sallow complexions...
...It will go down in history as the month in which Boy Clinton's foreign policy showed itself to be at one with his domestic policy, that is, a disaster executed by the best and the brightest 1960s youth, who have spent over two decades transforming themselves into dullards, incompetents, and fools, but great glad-handers and gifted honeyfoglers...
...This year's Nobel Prize for Literature went to Miss Toni Morrison...
...Two cows are sent out to a football field arranged in numbered squares...
...Senator Edward Kennedy's ill-starred nephew, Dr...
...Michael Jordan, the basketball player, retired from sport...
...On October 23, the pair went on a space walk...
...No one, well almost no one, laughed, and in reporting these dismal proceedings sports writers adopted a tone reminiscent of the late Mr...
...A damper was put on the Milan Fashion Show early in October when word arrived that archaeologists in Xinjang, western China, have unearthed 2,000-year-old corpses whose couture and cosmetic development were two millennia ahead of the Milan Show's most admired creations...
...Drama grips Hempstead, Texas, and Hempstead High's Fighting Bobcats, who are off to a slow start this football season (0-4) owing to controversy that has entoiled those four Fighting Bobcat cheerleaders who have turned up pregnant...
...In the Muslim nation of Brunei, officials are attributing an unanticipated outbreak of illicit sexual congress to the large number of New York Times that are smuggled into the country, apparently for the many lingerie advertisements that appear there and are known to drive young Bruneians of both sexes into lewd raptures...
...An insight into the quality of mind that obtained there can be gained from the tape of a conversation between the insurgents' embattled leader, Mr...
...If the Independent is to be believed, Mr...
...A very good case can be made for renewed nuclear testing purely on environmental grounds...
...Now there are growing fears that the North Koreans are going ahead with nuclear programs, and if they have the good sense to report that they are undertaking them merely to return the planet to the environmentally pristine condition it enjoyed during the Stone Age, the North Koreans will score a PR coup and be in a good position to destroy New York City...
...William Kennedy Smith, was arrested in the wee hours of October 23 for brawling with a bouncer at the Bardo Rodeo Bar in Arlington, Virginia...
...Remember that it's only since the major powers ended above-ground nuclear tests that the world became so agitated over global warming, acid rain, an ozone layer that is beginning to look like Swiss cheese, and those endless world tours by Michael Jackson and Madonna...
...And in Russia the citizenry did to their White House what many Americans would like to do to ours...
...Rod McKuen could be next...
...Paul Donovan, insisted that the Senator was not with Dr...
...In sports, the Toronto Blue Jays defeated the Philadelphia Phillies to win the World Series...
...They are the National Rifle Association, the radical right, the opponents of civil rights, all those who stand against health reform . . . the special interests and ideologues in so many fields who resist progress...
...I beg you, phone the embassies...
...I beg you, Valera, well, you understand, you believe in God, f--- you, you will have sin on your head...
...why shouldn't our place be called the Hooter Ddme...
...Despite remonstrances from the Clinton administration, China exploded an eighty-to-ninety-kiloton nuclear bomb, demonstrating once again the Chinese government's pathetic ignorance of the public relations art...
...The money goes to charity and the excitement never quits or almost never...
...Patten...
...Environmentalists concerned about the maniacal rate at which Americans have been depleting our natural resources were given cause for celebration when the Census Bureau reported that the number of poor people increased for the third consecutive year in 1992...
...In medical news, Saudi Arabian men of science accompanying their country's national soccer team to Doha, Qatar, for the team's match with South Korea attempted to revive fallen countrymen by fanning them with portraits of King Fand...
...They put it to the torch, with the Communist holdovers in it...
...Responds the school's assistant professor of Uralic and Altaic studies and wellness coordinator, Dr...
...Susan Butler: "To me, disrespect for women hurts their health in terms of self-esteem...
...Patten termed one "a nutter" and the other "deeply lippy...
...On October 7, one of London's most respected dailies, the Independent, reported what the paper duly described as "an extraordinary attack" by Mr...
...But he is up against feminists of real genius...
...Sports fans in Ozark, Alabama, showed up in large numbers at the town's football stadium to wager on a fast-moving Cow Dropping Match that has aroused the wrath of anti-gaming wowsers...
...In the longest and most solipsistic press conference in world history, Mr...
...Like public drunkenness, sexual harassment, general hypocrisy, deep-sixing one's date during an adulterous tryst—that kind of progress, Senator...
...Having laid bets on which of the squares a cow will defecate upon, the fans shout encouragement to their favorite animal...
...They won't leave us alive...
...Valery Zorkin, chairman of the Constitutional Court, whom he has called for help...
...John Patten, the secretary of state for education, upon two of Her Majesty's chief education officers...
...Franz Kafka...
...Many locals are enraged by the turpitude of it all, and, of course, there has been some chortling...
...ET...
...Three have been banned from the playing field and the fourth, who attempted to save her career by having an abortion, has been shamed into attending games purely as a spectator...
...John Moriarty, the gifted editor of the school newspaper's sports page, denies any lewd intent: "We are the Owls...
...On October 18, NASA sent seven astronauts aloft in the Columbia for a 14-day space mission, the program's longest, though still far behind the record set by Russian cosmonauts Vasily Tsibliyev and Alexander Serebrov, who've been orbiting the earth since July 1 and who on October 16 were informed that owing to a booster-rocket shortage back home they'd have to remain in space until next January...
...The creep's spokesman, Mr...
...Smith on the night of his most recent ignominy...
...By the end of the month, Boy Clinton's approval rating had slipped back to 43 percent, while his disapproval rating was up to 42 percent...
...In the American Middle West, scientists reported unexpectedly good news from the summer's devastating floods...
...There must be days when locutions like this can be heard in our White House, no...
...Well, Valera, I've just sent people out with the white flag but they were flayed alive, then finished off at point-blank range...
...Smith's 1991 rape trial, opened his re-election bid with this bigoted outburst: "I may not yet know who my opponent is, but in the truest sense, we already know who our opponents are...
...Thousands of hitherto healthy Japanese were condemned to hunger when busybody customs agents in Oslo, Norway, interdicted 3.5 tons of putatively illegal whale meat labeled euphemistically "shrimp...
...That is coming dangerously close to McCarthyism, Mr...
...Alexander Rutskoi, and Mr...
...Joycelyn Elders to be used as birth control devices in the public schools...
...In the great state of Georgia, an imbroglio has arisen over the decision by students and faculty to name the Kennesaw State Owls' stadium the Hooter Dome, a name interpreted by local feminists and other sexual obsessives as a reference to mammary glands...
...Perhaps they were hitchhiking...
...Most of the female corpses have hair nets," reports the Chinese news service Xinhua, and "some have tattoos on their faces...
...The floods uprooted whole communities but now comes word that they also uncovered a mother lode of fossils, some dating back 375 million years before Miss Janet Reno was made attorney general...
...It does not help that Hempstead calls itself the Watermelon Capital of Texas...
...It is an arrest that charity had enjoined us to pass over in silence until word arrived in our offices that the Senator, who shared his nephew's notoriety when their drinking habits were revealed during Dr...
...If the results prove promising, the pictures could be sent to America's new Surgeon General Dr...
Vol. 26 • December 1993 • No. 12
