The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • April has been filed away in history's dustbin. In San Juan Capistrano, California, more swallows arrived, proceeding again to befoul the lovely old mission with an...
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...A historic breakthrough was scored for the mentally disabled when the Pulitzer Board conferred its Pulitzer Prize for commentary on the paralogical Miss Anna Quindlen...
...A quick chomp soon stops them wriggling...
...And the aptly named Judge Robert F. McWeeny granted probation to Miss Carrie Mote in Vernon, Connecticut, who shot her fiancé after he suddenly called off their wedding...
...On April 7, professors at Stanford University were dealt a blow when the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors banned skateboards on campus...
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...The Crisis need not continue in all departments...
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...With the end of Super Power confrontation and the relaxation of Middle East tensions, the Western family emerges as one of the world's most dangerous trouble spots...
...Yet for the left it was not all somber tidings...
...Yet RSPCA mouthpiece Miss Noeline Tamplin objected that "Eating live worms shows a total disregard for living things...
...Yasser Arafat survived a plane crash in Libya...
...The Supreme Court commenced to consider Pennsylvania's stringent abortion law, but abortion's friends and foes alike eschewed Washington and even Pennsylvania, taking their campaigns to fated Buffalo, New York...
...In Shawnee, Oklahoma, two passers-by came upon an open field containing 200 partially burned fetuses, a possible violation of that city's progressive anti-pollution code...
...Governor William Clinton won the New York Democratic primary, and Mr...
...Home Box Office is being sued by the Denver Broncos' Mr...
...John Major...
...Jesse Jackson contracted a rare staphylococcus sometime last summer causing him to transmute into a 5' 3" Eskimo, much to the embarrassment of his supporters, were laid to rest on April 28 when he twice notified the press that he deserved to be the Democrats' vice presidential nominee...
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...According to the shoot's organizer, Mr...
...Irvin Dawid, who bears the curious title of transportation chairman of the Sierra Club, proposed that a distinction be drawn between skateboards used for transportation and those used for recreation, but his idealistic efforts availed him naught...
...John Gotti, the "Teflon Don," was convicted of murder and racketeering...
...Diamond ingested fifty live worms from his compost heap, chasing them down with a handful of lugworms...
...Perhaps next year health-conscious Americans will take direct action of the kind taken by the exemplary participants in the New Zealand Easter Bunny Shoot...
...General Manuel Noriega was found guilty of being a common drug merchant, and his wife Felicidad was nabbed stealing buttons from expensive dresses in a Miami department store...
...June Carter, 71, doused her wheelchair-bound husband with rubbing alcohol and set him afire after he ate her chocolate Easter bunny...
...In San Juan Capistrano, California, more swallows arrived, proceeding again to befoul the lovely old mission with an unappetizing effluence of feces, feathers, dust, and dirt...
...Vance's lawyer, and his unease was not assuaged by the fact that the HBO show was called "Inside the NFL...
...President Alberto Fujimori suspended Peru's constitution...
...And an amazed world watched Britain's Labour party lose its fourth election in thirteen years despite Britain's longest economic downturn since the Depression and an underwhelming campaign by the Tory prime minister, Mr...
...Sammy Price, known to jazz aficionados as the "King of Boogie Woogie," also passed on...
...Llewellyn Diamond's fundraising gimmick for a hospital charity...
...Nonetheless, Senator Edward M. Kennedy is still set on marrying Miss Victoria Reggie, a 38-year-old lawyer...
...Mr...
...In Santa Ana, California, Mrs...
...Clark Flanagan, 250 hunters participated in this year's event...
...Paul Arbiso, had gamely tugged the mission bell rope, but this second visit was not a happy occasion...
...Eighty-two-yearold LeRoy Vizneau of Toledo, Ohio, strangled his wife of forty years after she repeatedly hit him with a shoe for requesting that she turn down the television set...
...In the United Kingdom, the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals has denounced Mr...
...It may be the world's largest and oldest living organism, as scientists estimate its weight at about 100 tons, which is about equal to that of a blue whale—though the whale is more intelligent and politically correct...
...It was a bad month for the left...
...Mr...
...The American Spectator June 1992 9...
...Then all participants repaired to an unnamed hall in Alexandra, South Island, on April 11 for the traditional Bunny Hop...
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...At their first sighting in March, the town's 96year-old patriarch, Mr...
...Albanians installed their first non-Communist, freely elected government in forty-eight years, conducing to public demonstrations in which the American flag was waved almost as frequently as the Albanian flag...
...Oyster bars could be next...
...Dick Gregory, the civil rights humorist and diet guru, was arrested for shoplifting a $10 jar of bee pollen pills from a health food store...
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...Those persistent rumors that the Rev...
...Endeavoring to eliminate three times as many of the dreadful thumpers as last year, the hunters used an excavator, helicopters overhead, and night-shooting gear to drive the mischievous animals from their burrows and make the most of these 24 hours of salubrious outdoor sport...
...What will the animal rights theorists make of that...
...Frankie Thomas, 40, shot and killed her son Darrell, 14, when he refused to tidy his bedroom...
...Eight days later Mr...
...Georgi Atanasov, former prime minister of Communist Bulgaria, was indicted for embezzling public funds...
...Sam Walton, friend and provisioner to middle America, passed away on April 6, as did Mr...
...In higher education news, thirty-five persons were arrested at the University of Michigan's Hash Bash, and Miss Anita Hill auspicated her self-effacing, unassuming, really rather embarrassing, $11,000-a-shot lecture tour on sexual harassment, taking her to such sexual war zones as the Yale University Law School—and at the special request of Dean Guido Calabresi, who really has very little to worry about, the Law School gals being about as sexually tantalizing as, well, Miss Anita Hill...
...Human rights violations continue at the Harvard University Law School, where two students who had authored a parody in questionable taste are being threatened with disciplinary action and loss of their clerkships by militant leftists, feminists, and professors of incogitant mind, such as Professor Elizabeth Bartholet, who opines that the parody and those who defend First Amendment rights manifest "something very scary [sic] about male anger about women in this institution...
...The Duke University basketball team won its second consecutive NCAA title...
...Isaac Asimov...
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...From Britain, the authoritative Sunday World reports an imminent labor dispute between Northern Ireland's prostitutes and local sheep who have been frequenting an abandoned hotel near Derry in the company of high-paying and high-living "bachelor farmers...
...Owing to this winter's uncommonly lush rainfalls, colossal swarms of dispendiously colorful butterflies have infested much of California, encouraging progressives to break out those butterfly nets and have a ball or just lie back and revel in the way the world ought to be—butterflies are environment-friendly and only the monarch (Danaus plexippus) is ever really judgmental...
...In Traverse City, Michigan, scientists have discovered a mammoth fungus covering thirty-eight acres beneath a for8 The American Spectator June 1992 est near the Wisconsin state line...
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...Snake charmers have successfully rid the Bangladesh Parliament of eight poisonous snakes, and they remain on duty lest more snakes appear...
...Health-conscious Americans, who are so quick to sneeze and to sniffle when the air bears the least trace of tobacco smoke or—worse still—a fragrance from those horrifying perfumed stickers in magazines, must surely recognize the menace to public health posed by these winged pestilences...
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...Vance Johnson for broadcasting previously recorded footage of his genitalia worldwide during a taping of his coach's locker-room declamation last January...
...Kenneth Hutton, a police officer in Sandusky, Ohio, merits mention as the month's most innovative thief...
...Finally, as House Speaker Thomas S. Foley battles with special counsel Malcolm R. Wilkey, reports from enlightened Bangladesh suggest there may be a better way to clean up the mess in the House of Representatives...
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...On April 15, he was charged with stealing eight cases of girl scout cookies and three fir trees, putting him in line for an eight-year stretch in the calaboose...
...It's just like spaghetti," he insisted...
...RET "Okay, one more time...
...It was very embarrassing and humiliating to Vance because it showed frontal nudity," explained Mr...
Vol. 25 • June 1992 • No. 6
