The Continuing Crisis
• January has gone down in history as marking the nadir of American wit. During a state dinner in Tokyo on January 9, an otherwise very polite President George Bush vomited upon the likable Prime...
...Lighten up a little, fellows...
...On January 15, President George Bush auspicated his re-election campaign in New Hampshire by rushing through the state wringing his hands and gasping over the hell of a mess we are in...
...As the venerable Times of London reported it, the prosecution accused Mr...
...Richard A. Pope, Jr., a 250-pound inmate who helped the boob-tube evangelist out of a couple of tight fixes, received from this incomparable showman the nickname "Peaches...
...M. Manuel Wackenheim (3'11") is commencing legal action against the Ministry of the Interior's odious ban on dwarf tossing, which has made France the laughingstock of Western Europe...
...The delicacy, belonging to the ancient group thermosbaenacea, is delicious in an avocado pâté or simply raw with a slice of lime...
...A, wave of cat killings continues in Tampa, Florida, where apparently some rogue or possibly a gang of rogues is surreptitiously tying cats to unsuspecting motorists' rear automobile bumpers, whereupon they then drag the cats through the streets of this otherwise boring community...
...In Amsterdam, the Netherlands, clever officials at one of the world's most renowned symphony halls, the Concertgebouw, are distributing cough drops to the audience before performances by the Concertgebouw Orchestra...
...Why Mr...
...Jim Bakker has not lost his flair even in a federal penitentiary...
...As many as twenty prisoners and their guests witnessed the unusual occurrence, despite the Hon...
...Cooper, wearing a blue and yellow wet suit, masturbated the half-ton mammal as it floated on its back...
...The Russian Republic adopted the free market, or almost the free market...
...During a state dinner in Tokyo on January 9, an otherwise very polite President George Bush vomited upon the likable Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa just as a savory course of roast house cat was being served—an untimely mishap, that, but one which elicited not a single memorable witticism despite the sprightly presence in American media of such amusing wags as Mr...
...Both dogs got away...
...Freddie has become somewhat of a tourist attraction and according to the prosecution, "a boatload of onlookers watched 'disgusted' as Mr...
...Former District of Columbia mayor and civil rights legend, Marion Barry, was transferred in leg irons from a minimum security prison in pastoral Petersburg, Virginia, to a more rigorous hoosegow after he was spotted undergoing oral sex at the hands of a respected New York–based fellatrix during a visitation in the public reception room of the Petersburg facility...
...Cooper, the helpful Times reports, is unmarried...
...In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the Hon...
...Barry's attempts to divert their attention with various hand gestures and his trademark Swiss yodel...
...Australian gourmets smacked their lips when scientists in Sydney announced discovery of a rare group of tiny shrimp-like crustaceans never before found in the Southern Hemisphere...
...Alan Cooper, was accused of "outraging public decency...
...In Wellington, New Zealand, a queen's counsel has reassured judicial hearings that the town's apparently abundant sado-masochist torture dungeons adhere to the highest standards of safe sex...
...Andrew Lyne of the University of Manchester has been lost...
...dolphin called Freddie as they frolicked for 20 minutes off the harbor mouth at Amble, Northumberland...
...Bush acts as though the conservative ascendancy never happened is less scrutable...
...Molatu Lebeta, a black, was beaten to death by a gang of irate whites who accused him of allowing his dog to fornicate with a dog owned by one of the whites...
...Without the ideas that got him elected he obviously has no ideas, and, as the polls indicate, without ideas his administration is a pathetic waste of America's time...
...Musicians were beginning to complain that certain virtuosi in the audience were intimidating the horn section...
...The authoritative Star reports that Mr...
...The California Prune Board has taken note of the vast consumption of prunes in St...
...no sitting President has ever taken this novel re-election tack before...
...On January 8, the Palo Alto Municipal Court convicted Professor Milgram of sicking "Pookie" on a helpless bicyclist...
...Pookie" is the name of Stanford University Professor R. James Mil-gram's dog...
...Ron Burr, and kapellmeister, Baron Von Kan-non, both staunch advocates of public decency, this department's accounts of sexual irregularities will hitherto be drastically curtailed whilst renewed emphasis is placed on the bizarreries of the world's statesmen and political reformers...
...Our embarrassment is unbounded," Professor Lyne explained to disgruntled members of the American Astronomical Society...
...In Des Moines, Iowa, Miss Holly West was seriously injured when the vending machine that she was fiercely kicking and punching for withholding her change suddenly fell atop her...
...It was so disgusting...
...Nancy Lee Robinson...
...In sporting news, thousands turned out in Bara, Pakistan, to watch Mr...
...Finally, from Besancon, France, comes word that a defender has stepped forward to assert the rights of millions of French dwarves...
...Despite widespread deprivation in Russia, Moscow relief workers rejected 2,000 tons of British beef, fearing that it might be contaminated with "mad cow" disease, though one would think that a mad cow is better than no cow at all...
...Michael McGee, a black alderman, has threatened to set his underground "Black Panther militia" onto the nearby white community unless he is re-elected to high office...
...At the request of our distinguished publisher, Mr...
...For them the decade will be a Black Hole, an ellipsis in American history...
...No attempt has ever been made to identify the mourner, but one would hope that educators might at least point to this deranged and lonely individual to warn students of the fate awaiting one who reads too much Poe and forgets to finish his cognac...
...That planet discovered last July by astronomer Dr...
...8 The American Spectator March 1992 • In Johannesburg, South Africa, Mr...
...John McLaughlin, Professor Eleanor Clift, Albert Hunt, and that madcap panel of quipsters and frotteurs who make "Washington Week In Review" so riotously funny...
...I was trying not to even look," testified Mrs...
...Cooper of "committing a lewd, obscene, and disgusting act on the 12 ft...
...RET The American Spectator March 1992...
...The Crisis endures...
...On the other hand, it is reassuring to see, for a change, the human side of a big-city mayor, rather than the crude arrogance of a Chicago Daley or the insufferable haughtiness of the mayor of Paris, M. Jacques Chirac...
...The President regurgitated again on January 28, though this time the ill-digested production was called his "State of the Union" speech, and what he distributed was not ill-digested food but ill-digested policy...
...In a Newcastle-upon-Tyne crown court one of the United Kingdom's most illustrious animal rights campaigners, Mr...
...I'm very sorry...
...For at least two years Liberals have behaved as though the 1980s conservative ascendancy never happened, which is understandable...
...Fish and Wildlife Service predicted that only 33,000 jobs will be lost as a consequence of its January 9 restrictions on logging in 6.9 million acres of the Northwest, all of which are critical to the northern spotted owl's well-being...
...For the forty-third consecutive year, an obviously disturbed man dressed in black appeared late at night at the grave of Edgar Allan Poe in Baltimore, Maryland and left three red roses and a half-full bottle of cognac...
...Petersburg, Florida, and awarded that city a $1,000 grant toward the development of a walking exercise program...
...Finally, the Rev...
...The U.S...
...The Democratic front-runner, Governor Bill Clinton of Arkansas, saw his presidential ambitions imperiled when a former Miss Teenage America stepped forward and testified in the authoritative Star that for many years he had an extramarital affair with her, and it did him no good when the woman, Miss Gennifer (sic) Flowers, revealed that the governor called her "Pookie...
...In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, three college students were sentenced to 200 hours of struthonian manure-shoveling for strangling a 220-pound ostrich...
...Rahat Gul, a convicted thief, be rhythmically and solemnly beaten by a society of Islamic religious scholars, and in Minnesota's Metrodome the Washington Redskins trounced the Buffalo Bills 37 to 24 to win the Super-bowl, sport's most vulgar moment, one that in all its macho superabundance might well lead one to believe that the feminists have a point so long as one has never actually encountered a feminist or a selection of their euphuistic rants...
Vol. 25 • March 1992 • No. 3
