Ben Stein's Diary/L.A. Recession
Stein, Benjamin J.
L.A. Recession by Benjamin J. Stein Friday Acall at 8:00 a.m. from my pal, B., the lovely, sprightly gamine of 25 who used to work for me before going on to greener pastures at a large publishing...
...Well, I have this C.D...
...This sounds really sad," I said...
...They loved Reagan, and they hate Bush because all he does is talk in that crazy, little old schoolteacher voice like he was Mrs...
...Now, I'd vote for any Democrat...
...That'll be my Christmas present...
...I decided that it just didn't make any sense to beat myself up about the fact that I haven't had a job for a couple of years...
...You get the picture...
...Fabulous...
...that I always thought I'd use as a nest egg for my children's college, but what the heck, they're both really good guitar players and probably won't even want to go to college .. ." "So you're going to use the last money you have in the world to go to France and take art classes...
...Go have a good time...
...Everyone's broke, and it's all anyone talks about, so I'm leaving town...
...He looked decidedly healthy, overwhelmingly so...
...I have to pay for my gas with my American Express because I have literally no money at all in my checking account...
...It takes whole oranges and apples and even bananas and grinds them up and then you drink the stuff, and it makes you feel fabulous...
...I still have a Gulfstream," Y. said, "and I have to go to some polo matches in Palm Beach in it...
...she asked...
...from my pal, B., the lovely, sprightly gamine of 25 who used to work for me before going on to greener pastures at a large publishing company...
...To get a job...
...Just out of a stupid curiosity," I asked, "how will you pay for this...
...I wondered what neighborhood it was designed for...
...I took Trixie out for a walk and looked at the billboards for movies...
...That's what all my friends from USC say, too...
...It's a lot better than first class commercial...
...Why can't everybody just take it easy the way you do...
...It's the pulp that does it...
...Well, what's wrong with that...
...I've been looking at ads for villas near Nice...
...As I passed by Azzedine Allaia, a dress shop for wealthy rock 'n' rollers, I ran into my friend Allen getting out of his Jaguar convertible...
...There's a great bar near here...
...We're already depressed," I said, "so we're halfway there...
...Allen," I said...
...It's the recession, and everybody's really down, and I can't stand it...
...You really are...
...What's gonna happen to us...
...I asked him how old he was...
...Meanwhile, I'm so broke all I want to do is hide...
...You are...
...To maybe go back to school...
...They hate Bush...
...Why don't you just go into Chapter right now...
...If I can do that I'll have Prosperity As My Divine Right...
...I bought this thing called a Juice Man a few weeks ago...
...I want one of those, Daddy," Tommy said...
...From a counter, he took his mother's pocketbook...
...I have to," she said...
...Maybe if you're broke, you shouldn't get your hair cut and colored for $250 at José Eber's," I suggested...
...Last time we talked," I said to him, "you were terrified about money...
...wrote for most of the day about junk, and then went off to see my fouryear-old Devil Boy...
...He was upset," Y. said, "but then I said to him, 'Look, what's the problem...
...So what's the difference when it gets repaid...
...A guy from Bank of America showed up in my lobby in Phoenix the other day and said he was just going to wait there for the seven hundred thousand I owe him...
...If I have the car, I'll Feel Good About Myself...
...He also had what I could best call an eerie look in his eyes...
...I mentioned that to someone here and he said it was dangerous, but everyone in L.A...
...B ack at my condo, I got a call from my friend N., who is two months behind on her rent, and coincidentally is taking two weeks' vacation in Florida...
...It's an astonishing thing how many of them have women holding guns and looking happy...
...She ate her food and then went to sleep, proving that dogs really are the best economists...
...Here's a hundred for some drinks...
...I looked at Allen...
...It's not a problem...
...After all, we just owe it to ourselves, don't we...
...Hmm," I said...
...Tommy," I said, "Daddy cannot afford an armored personnel carrier for you...
...I decided not to worry," Allen said...
...And with my Juice Man, I'll feel even better, because I'll look even better...
...Because I'm going to Aspen for Christmas, and I'm going to Don Simpson's birthday party, and I want to look really great...
...I'm leaving here," she said...
...He said he was 50 or something...
...I guess you don't know there's a recession going on...
...Monday Lunch with D., a young woman who used to dog-sit for yours truly and now is a promotions woman with a record label that specializes in truly vile rap groups...
...You knew this business has ups and downs, and now is a down time...
...What if the recession is still going on when you get back from France...
...You used your IRA and your Keogh to buy a Jaguar...
...All anyone ever talks about is the recession...
...Now you look so happy...
...I'm thinking of taking a night job as a waitress, even though I'm chronically fatigued and totally exhausted and really sick...
...Absolutely," he replied enthusiastically...
...We both were momentarily distracted by watching Julia Roberts stroll in with Jason Patric and sit down with David and Lili Zanuck at a large table...
...Why are people so antsy about the recession and paying back money...
...Do you think it's bad that I have an overdue notice for my income tax for 1988 and 1989...
...Isn't this car great...
...I'll tell your bosses you were beating my brains in, and we'll both have a laugh.' " "What did the guy do ?" "He took the hundred," Y. said, "and we both had a good laugh...
...I told him he had best get a •lot of books to read about preparing for his retirement...
...I'm taking a few of my friends and we like to ride in the Gulfstream...
...No," Jane said, looking at me with surprise...
...My grandmother's going to lend me the rest...
...in 44 The American Spectator March 1992...
...I said, 'Hey, I don't owe you anything...
...This is a heaven-sent dinner," Z., the lawyer, added...
...You look so great, and everybody I know is so down about the recession...
...Can I help in any way...
...I am so glad I ran into you...
...But if you really want the hundred bucks...
...You get paid whether I pay the bank ornot...
...He was looking at a TV commercial for a child-size armored personnel carrier, in which the child can take all of his friends and ride around the neighborhood...
...In that case, can you give me a hundred dollars...
...says not to worry about it...
...I got a helluva buy on it, too, because no one is buying luxury goods anymore...
...What is that supposed to mean, young man...
...Well, I was worried," I answered, "but my father told me that we're only about 1.4 percent below our cyclical employment peak, so I'm completely in the clear about my future...
...Where else in the whole world can there possibly be more people who think that if you borrow money you shouldn't have to pay it back...
...Does this mean you've settled things with your conscience about the money you owe...
...It's simple," he said...
...Bates from the Bates Motel...
...I got up and fed my dog, Trixie...
...Y. is an airplane dealer in Phoenix whose business has gone completely to hell with the general collapse of the civil-aviation market...
...I had actually planned to give you a copy of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire," I said...
...Nobody's buying my paintings anymore...
...Or maybe to Spain...
...I know you're really, really worried about the economy, too, and about yourself...
...He shook his head and walked into the kitchen...
...I demanded in my sternest tones...
...Well, I sort of need it," B. said...
...Just go over there and hang out for a few hours...
...When you lose money in Vegas, you don't just sit at the craps table and whine...
...I'll definitely have to point thisout to my doctor...
...I think the field of the future here has got to be lender liability...
...I want an armored personnel carrier," he said again...
...Ben," he said, "my first priority is to Feel Good About Myself...
...she asked...
...I have to get my hair cut and colored this afternoon at José Eber's, and I had to wait two months to get the appointment, and now that I have it, I sure don't want to lose it because I don't have any money...
...Hmmm...
...As I was walking around my house thinking about the best way to measure risk in bonds, I had a visit from my neighbor, Jane, the artist...
...Got to be...
...From the wallet, he took a handful of credit cards and handed themto me...
...So I just took my money out of my retirement plan at the studio and then out of my IRAs and my Keogh, and I spent it...
...I was going to try to stay in securities work, but now I don't see why I should...
...N. asked...
...You know," she said, her 25-year-old eyes shining with moisture, "last time I voted, I would have voted for any Republican...
...The light there is fantastic...
...I'll just turn around and go right back," she said...
...The American Spectator March 1992 43 He grasped my shoulder in a vise-like grip...
...What happened...
...I'm so scared," she said...
...I hate it in Malibu, and I hate it in Hollywood...
...You take your lumps like a man and go on with it.— "How did the guy from the bank take it...
...Daddy, I guess you don't know much about life, do you...
...He has just been passed over for partner and is contemplating his future...
...To go to the south of France to take art classes...
...You guys took a chance...
...Armored personnel carrier...
...No, of course it's not bad," I said...
...Benjamin J. Stein is a writer, lawyer, economist, and actor living in Malibu, California...
...There's a really fine art school there, and I could take classes all day and cook all night...
...I'll probably refinance a few of my planes in inventory," Y. said, "and then I'll take that money and use it to start some lender-liability cases against my bankers, and then go into bankruptcy in Florida...
...Even the one I thought up, the 3-D version of Magic Johnson at his press conference, even that I can't sell...
...Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't work out...
...He looked remarkably fit and healthy...
...From it, he took her wallet...
...He said I owed the bank the money...
...Dinner at Morton's with two close friends...
...No," she said...
...I have to do it because I don't want to disappoint my nephew and my mother by not having nice presents for them for Christmas...
...I have a house there and when you go into Chapter 11, they can't take away your house no matter what...
...Z. is a lawyer with a huge New York firm with an office in Los Angeles...
...It's Christmas, and I'm totally broke...
...I hope you're kidding," I said...
...she asked breathlessly...
...The lad looked at me pityingly...
...Are we gonna have a Depression...
Vol. 25 • March 1992 • No. 3
