The Continuing Crisis
• August ended in the seasonal sneezes of millions of hay-fever sufferers, and gales of doubletalk from the presidential candidates. The Republican National Convention was held in Houston, and by...
...Superb speeches were made by former President Ronald Reagan and Mr...
...The pundits worry that this is going to be a campaign of historically unprecedented mudslinging...
...Raymond Chesley Delebaugh, Jr...
...And an alliance of environmental extremists, government bureaucrats, and Holland's surviving Christians is blocking the most sensible endeavor attempted there since the early stages of World War H. They are disrupting the plans of something called the Cargo Foundation to confer its "National Gift to the Sea...
...Julian Samaniego, 20, looking back over the years...
...Ivan Henry was convicted of criminal mischief and window breaking...
...for quieting his boisterous neighbors with six blasts from his shotgun...
...Jones slowly and meticulously gave Mr...
...Broward Community College's little-known Coconut Creek campus in Broward County, Florida, observed National Condom Week in the traditional manner, with a student-sponsored Condom Carnival...
...Early in the month, the tiresome Mr...
...Kees Bakker, a Gift organizer, sings of it, "an offering to the sea, in return for all we've taken from it over the years...
...Woody Allen, of committing indecencies with their children, and in Kenya Mr...
...Bakker's group has hoodwinked thousands of his countrymen into purchasing the statue's bread at $7 a loaf—so we know that there is at least one Dutchman who knows what he is about...
...Perhaps the month's most doltish desperado was Mr...
...Having frightened the shop's staff into giving him the day's takings by pretending to have a gun under his sweater, the pathetic Mr...
...Then there was Mr...
...Norton proper directions whilst cleverly notifying the polizia, who quickly clapped cuffs on Turner and led him off to a condign cell...
...Eugene Broadhead, 35, and Miss Dorothy Bromfield, 52, two differently abled individuals who were briskly borne to West Palm Beach's spanking new barrier-free, handicapped-accessible hoosegow...
...Monahan...
...Miss Mia Farrow accused her boyfriend-loverhouse husband, Mr...
...Monahan's lawyers have their way with you could you pass on her telephone number, and, perhaps, a picture...
...Monahan has been the focus of feminist anger since he accompanied his department's memo on sexual harassment with a cover letter that contained this terrifying essay into drollery: "Please rest assured that like [Safety] Commissioner [Richard] Flynn I will not tolerate any form of sexual harassment other than that levied upon me by my wife...
...Customs officials patrolling an incoming cruise ship in West Palm Beach, Florida, discovered fifty-eight pounds of marijuana secreted in the wheelchairs of Mr...
...According to the Peking Evening News, the undignified punishment had a deleterious affect on "the normal studying process...
...How about a punch in the nose...
...There were informative demonstrations such as the occasionally quite dangerous pop-thecondom competition and the speed condom-fitting, wherein participants raced to fit condoms onto cucumbers...
...Kenneth Jeffries, 24, who having stolen $40 from a West Haven, Connecticut, convenience store returned to purchase a pack of chewing gum, whereupon he too suffered the manacled fate of Mr...
...Lawrence E. Walsh notified former President Ronald Reagan that the man who peacefully concluded the Cold War was not about to be indicted...
...I was never very comfortable using or buying condoms, but now I am," declaimed...
...The esteemed Valley News of progressive New Hampshire reports that State Safety Services Director Kevin Monahan is complying with the wishes of his misogelastic co-workers by resigning...
...and after Mrs...
...Ha, ha, ha, Mr...
...Miss Denovo was a long-time reader of Mother Jones...
...Jim Shelby, 21, dressed in a huge condom outfit, proclaimed himself Condom Man, thrilled many coeds—always, however, keeping a sharp eye out for any who might be suffering the Anita Hill Syndrome and in contact with a lawyer...
...Nagreen introduced to the world the very first rounded, flattened, morsel of brown ground round...
...Bryant Gumbel of the NBC "Today" show broke his wrist whilst pursuing a hippopotamus...
...In Walhalla, Washington, Dr...
...Criminologists and adepts in the psychological swamplands remain perplexed by rising numbers of incogitant criminals, despite the College Board's report of a slight improvement in last year's SAT scores...
...In London, Mr...
...Ever more of the handicapped are gaining full participation in the rich joys of American life...
...Two hours after making off with the vehicle he became lost and sought directions from a pedestrian, Mr...
...the time when the ladies of the New Hampshire Safety Service Department had to live in dread of such tasteless jokes elapsed long ago...
...Michael F. Lee, a dentist, was ordered to pay Miss Kristy P. Lanford, 14, and her parents $100,000 for extracting the wrong teeth...
...Stanley Turner Norton...
...Plowman is Hollidaysburg's police chief and not a particularly lenient one...
...The nurses are appealing and have the full support of their union, which promises a work stoppage unless the management lightens up...
...Finally, the incidence of incogitant criminals is even spreading abroad, where there are no SAT tests...
...Henry, 24, was arrested on December 15 after he broke into the home of Mr...
...It was in Seymour that the celebrated Mr...
...It's important not to be embarrassed...
...Jones was 'a pedestrian only because it was his car that Mr...
...8 The American Spectator October 1992 Edward Plowman, guzzled a carton of Mr...
...Alas, Mr...
...Now it transpires that the Dutch municipality of Noordoostpolder (sic) is going to provide a monthly stipend to a handicapped man for 90-minute sex sessions with a "sexual aide worker...
...From Peking there comes evidence of a relaxation in the regime's totalitarian proclivities...
...McKenna absent-mindedly reached for the money with both hands and was soon off to the slammer...
...A 22-year-old school teacher, Mr...
...Actually, the only historic precedent likely to be set will be a new high in doubletalk...
...At Berkeley, California, local activist Miss Rosebud Abigail Denovo, 20, was shot by campus police when she attempted to commit mayhem or worse in the residence of University of California chancellor Dr...
...In Amsterdam, the state tourism bureau announced plans to induce more American homosexuals to vacation in Holland because of the high disposable income earned by the American poofter and his propensity to travel and to stay awake later in the night than the banal hetero...
...On August 9, U.S...
...Even President George Bush intoned forty minutes of excellent oratory in his fifty-six minute speech...
...Then this amazing twit went on to say that condoms "need to become part of people's fantasies, part of foreplay...
...And in Hollidaysburg, Pennsylvania, Mr...
...There was scandal in August...
...Charlie Nagreen was again hymned and hosannahed, as the patriotic sons and daughters of greater Seymour observed the 107th anniversary of the birth of the hamburger...
...Bush and Boy Clinton...
...In Liverpool, England, two frolicsome nurses at the Ashworth Special Hospital for the mentally unwell were sacked after hospital officials discovered that the two had amused themselves at their patients' expense by dressing up a pig's head as one of them, complete with thermometer in mouth and catatonic trance...
...The Republican National Convention was held in Houston, and by comparison with the Democratic orgies of the previous month the Republicans were decorous and non–life threatening...
...Unemployment dipped from 7.8 percent to 7.7 percent, and in Seymour, Wisconsin, the name of Mr...
...Stanley Turner Norton, who, his swank name notwithstanding, got himself arrested in Whitehall, Arkansas, for stealing a car...
...Samuel Jones...
...Chang-Lin Tien...
...But then the campaign began, and all meaning was conscientiously drained from the English language by the campaign handlers of both Mr...
...Plowman's chocolate milk, stripped down to his underwear, and fell asleep...
...The Gift," when finished, will be a 100-foot steel-framed figure of a man stuffed with 20,000 loaves of bread, and, if the alliance of marplots can be stifled, the great contraption will be heaved into the sea as Mr...
...Patrick Buchanan...
...Mark McKenna, 21, was arrested in a betting shop after an inexcusable lapse...
...Norton had pinched—and from the very parking lot in which their ill-starred encounter was taking place...
...RET The American Spectator October 1992 9...
...Other creditable performances were put in by Vice President Dan Quayle and Housing Secretary Jack Kemp...
...Liu Deshun, has been jailed for two years for punishing slothful students by making them eat cow dung...
...In Eugene, Oregon, authorites continue to harass Mr...
...Troubling news continues to seep out of the Netherlands, casting still more doubt on the sanity of a people who for over a thousand years have persisted in wearing wooden shoes, drying their linen with windmills whose vast blades present a constant menace to cattle and to the country's many demented cyclists, and adulating the tulip, a useless flower that can only with difficulty be worn on the lapel and has no fragrance whatsoever...
Vol. 25 • October 1992 • No. 10
