The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • As one of the hottest Julys on record evaporated, yells of help went up from the sweating, heaving prophets of global warming. Yet have they noticed that 73.3 percent of the...
...Poverty pays...
...Louis, Illinois, a highly competitive Little League baseball coach was jailed for firing his .38-caliber revolver at a 16-yearold umpire who had, perhaps injudiciously, called one of the coach's nineyear-old players out at home plate...
...In the first two weeks of July, five prominent members of the media were struck down, leaving researchers to speculate that hundreds of cases may have gone unreported out in Podunk...
...The shy, sensitive, intelligent Mr...
...Cameroon, Mr...
...From Lagos, Nigeria, comes word that an unidentified disease killed 600 people in six days, prompting thousands to flee...
...Moreover, many lady med students complain, according to the New York Times, "about professors addressing students as if they were all men, despite the fact that 50 percent of the first-year class is female," and wonderfully callipygian...
...Abel Biyaga went on trial for falsifying the state of his health and presenting himself as a corpse during an anti-government rally in the port city of Doula...
...Yet have they noticed that 73.3 percent of the American people cool themselves with small air-conditioning units that leave them perfectly comfortable and without complaint, no matter the heat and humidity...
...Abel Massock, an opposition leader who pushed the cart...
...According to a Department of the Treasury press release, Mr...
...An autopsy revealed approximately seventy heroin-filled condoms in Mr...
...Onuoha Uguru, deceased...
...On July II, President Bush reappointed Mr...
...and in the operating room of the medical school it is alleged that some profs have referred to their colleagues—even the women—as "honey...
...Now, if only the Congress could be prevailed upon, perhaps by the Union of Concerned Scientists or some equally progressive group, to appropriate funding for one vast federally directed air-conditioner, it could cool the entire country and perhaps even the world...
...The Washington Post's Miss Laura Parker was fired for lifting material from the Miami Herald for an article on mosquitoes...
...Justice Marshall was a celebrated champion of unnatural law...
...Scandal and shame continue to haunt Stanford University, where the elevenyear-old junta of President Donald (no middle initial) Kennedy is fighting for its life, and the presidential yacht is under 24-hour surveillance, lest he slip away to Cuba or some other sanctuary...
...G-7 leaders met in London and offered the Soviet Union's President Mikhail Gorbachev technical assistance in moving his economy forward into the eighteenth century...
...Alan Greenspan as Federal Reserve chairman, and the next day the Hon...
...And in America there has been an outbreak of Biden Virus, the strange disease afflicting ever larger numbers of journalists and causing them to act like a certain United States senator, whom charity admonishes us not to identify...
...According to Treasury officials, condoms are frequently used to smuggle heroin into the country, which is against the law and has no place in a proper family-planning program...
...Then who could worry about global warming or the ozone layer...
...Wimbledon was won by two Germans, Miss Steffi Graf and Mr...
...The very pretty Miss Julie Switzer reports that she had to sit through a lecture during which a prof displayed a computer printout of his wife's uterine contractions and yawped, "You may never feel any of this, but your wife will...
...RET THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR SEPTEMBER 1991 7...
...Somewhat reminiscent of the female student body at Stanford Medical School, the male citizens of Cameroon apparently all have the same first 6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR SEPTEMBER 1991 name, though most have much nicer dispositions...
...Charles W. Shinabarger of Woodson Terrace, Missouri, joined the lengthening list of American prisoners of conscience when he was sentenced to five days in jail for sending excrement and a rude note with a traffic fine in Webster City, Iowa...
...Michael Medved, who himself appears to be uninfected...
...Uguru died whilst being examined for secreting heroin in condoms that he had swallowed just prior to boarding an airplane flight from his native Nigeria to the United States...
...And congratulations to Mr...
...An unnamed Boston Globe reporter was disciplined for bidenizing from Mr...
...Rumor has it that more shocking revelations lie ahead, and wait until it is discovered that apparently all the women at the Stanford Medical School are named Julie...
...In Poland, nudists have banded together in a new political party, the Erotic Party, which will oppose "regressive moral ideas," to say nothing of mosquitoes, chiggers, and poison sumac...
...Later, Presidents Bush and Gorbachev announced their intention to sign the START treaty on July 30 in Moscow during a hastily called summit...
...Julian Bond...
...One med student, the comely and nubile Miss Julie Seavello, reports that in one class an inflatable doll was used to illustrate "respiratory ventilation...
...The only complete version of Colombia's new constitution was lost in a computer accident in Bogota...
...On July 1, Mr...
...Led by Sen...
...I thought," exclaimed Miss Switzer, who is very cute when she is mad, "'Who are you talking to?' Miss Switzer's uterus is one of her proudest possessions, and it is to be hoped that it will not go unnoticed during future lectures...
...An unforeseen danger from the otherwise socially useful condom was revealed by Mr...
...Fox Butterfield bidenized from the Boston Globe's report that the dean of the Boston University journalism school had himself bidenized significant portions of his commencement address from an essay by the movie critic Mr...
...Michael Stich...
...Under cover of darkness on July 17, the Senate raised its salaries by 23 percent...
...But in the most contagious case, it was discovered that the New York Times's Mr...
...Howard Kurtz in a telephone interview...
...Six parakeets, recruited to serve on the HMS Manchester during the One Hundred Hours War, received citations for bravery from Prime Minister John Major's increasingly wet government...
...David Bonior was elected majority whip, to replace the controversial Rep...
...Jesse Jackson had left his pocket money ($1,800) with some business cards and a folded handkerchief in the men's room at Memphis International Airport, handed the loot over to authorities...
...In East St...
...In progressive Yaounde...
...Perhaps only in Colombia could such a historic event be endangered by something like this...
...I really don't think I deceived anyone," the patient said to the Washington Post's Mr...
...She objected, stomping her little foot, only to receive the sex-crazed response, "You're entitled to your opinion, but I do not see the problem...
...William Gray in September...
...Uguru's stomach...
...Phil Donahue admitted that, in a syndicated dithyramb to a deceased nun, he faked her name and the handwritten note that appeared in his piece and was supposed to be by her...
...Ken Hedrick, who, upon finding that the Rev...
...On July 2, the leaders of the Warsaw Pact dissolved the 36-year-old alliance without incident...
...Edward Kennedy, Democrats on the Senate Committee on Labor and Human Resources rejected the nomination of Miss Carol Iannone to the National Council on the Humanities, prompting the devilish Wall Street Journal to title its editorial "Senator Kennedy Gets His Woman...
...Liberals became vexed when it was revealed that President George Herbert Walker Bush's nominee to replace Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall is a strong proponent of natural law...
...A block of frozen urine fell from the sky over Babylon, Long Island, landing on a parked car and looking to the connoisseur like a huge Lemon Slush...
...The government has slashed more than $18 million from Stanford's annual research budget, owing to irregularities in its accounting procedures—that presidential yacht being a particularly dubious expense...
...Eddie Dewayne DeLuna of Bakersfield, California, has been sentenced to two years in the hoosegow for twisting the head off his girlfriend's three-week-old puppy and trying to flush it down a toilet after being told by the girlfriend to scram...
...Now the campus is besieged by charges of sexism at the highest level, and some of it is pretty horrible stuff, like using pictures of naked women in anatomy classes (nudal frontity...
...Also facing charges is Mr...
...It is a very special country," lamented a distraught member of the Colombian assembly, who is obviously unfamiliar with the United States during the Carter Administration...
...Finally, the Walter Lippmann of our time has been afflicted by something very close to the Biden Virus...
...It is time that progressives place at the top of the national agenda the need for a federal Department of Air-Conditioning, which could build on the wonders wrought by the Department of Education...
Vol. 24 • September 1991 • No. 9
