The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • After deconstructing Iraq in February, America in March turned to deconstructing its victory in the Gulf War. The results were predictable. "After the Euphoria, a Letdown,"...
...In Amherst, Massachusetts, dozens of salamanders used built-to-scale tunnels to crawl under a busy road to their historic breeding grounds, and in Clearwater, Florida, the spring-training comeback of underwear model and former pitcher Mr...
...Relied on Foreign-Made Parts for Weapons...
...On March 6, the Rev...
...It was a beautiful, dignified death," she gushed...
...Senator Joseph Biden might ponder whether the elderly former President now qualifies as a victim of hate crime...
...Hassan Sanei of Tehran, Iran, announced that his country was doubling the bounty on Mr...
...In other education news, Mr...
...A dissident group, however, flew fifty miles up the coast to take up residence in the eaves of the abandoned library of Malibu's Pepperdine University, famous for its ocean view and unopened books...
...Steven Shaviro's English 370 ("Fantasy") course at the University of Washington, students were told that "readings and emphasis [may] vary," and sure enough their second assignment required them to peruse a recent essay by J. G. Ballard, "Why I Want to F--- Ronald Reagan...
...For the young commandos of two Lindenhurst, New York, elementary schools, who spent the war playing war games that included running through make-believe Iraqi minefields and punching at pictures of Saddam Hussein, it's probably too late...
...The world of crime was no less affected by this outbreak of stupidity...
...My five-year-old daughter came home and said, 'We have to kill Saddam Hus- sein and his people,' " one parent lamented...
...On March 14, Mr...
...After the Euphoria, a Letdown," Time magazine announced, warning that Johnny will come marching home to "caution," "apprehension," "tension," "rude awakenings," "spending—and drinking—binges," "depression," and who knows what other manifestations of "postwar blues...
...There may be work for him in Kyoto, Japan, where Wacoal Corporation, a leading lingerie manufacturer, hoped to sell 400,000 pairs of luminous panties in time for White Day on March 14, the day on which men reciprocate for chocolates received a month earlier on Valentine's Day...
...Jim Palmer proved all too brief after he, ahem, pulled a thigh muscle...
...The test itself was confusing and has long since been replaced by simpler procedures...
...Seen Lacking Policy on Postwar Goals," "U.S...
...There's always Texas, where inmates at the Eden Detention Center in Eden took over the prison's food service building to demand larger servings of vegetables, especially fresh green lettuce...
...I couldn't sell out my values just for a trip to Japan," Miss Warnecke added...
...my vocal chords get affected once I do a lot of talking"), former Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis was as defiant as his tough guy image would allow: "Look, I remember a guy named Dukakis in May of 1987 saying we should impose sanctions and embargo [sic] on this lunatic Saddam...
...In Dayton, Ohio, Miss Yvonne Adams, 20, in a job interview with the Ohio Highway Patrol, was asked about any past indiscretions that might inhibit her working as a state trooper...
...Then he just stepped off into the deep end"—and presumably drowned...
...Yes, she replied, she and her husband had stolen a car from a Dayton dealership last June...
...But he has yet to apologize to the Hoover Institution, which perhaps should now move to sever its ties with the corrupt university...
...Honor was restored to the state with the opening of a new exhibit at the Star of the Republic Museum in Washington-onthe-Brazos, entitled "Chew, Chew, Chew and Spit, Spit, Spit: Tobacco in the Texas Republic" and featuring spittoons, roped tobacco, an authentic snuff box, and some peculiar fossil gobs...
...Fortunately, the Navy has been flying teams of mental-health workers to returning ships and a homecoming-counseling program is available at the Marine Corps Air Station in Cherry Point, North Carolina...
...Bombs Missed 70% Of Time," "After Victory, Saudis Are Uneasy," "Kuwait's Environmental, Economic Nightmare," "Kuwaiti Emir Returns To Host of Problems," "U.S...
...Virginia Senator Chuck Robb was purged from the Senate Budget Committee owing to his pro-war stance, and Tennessee Senator Al Gore escaped a similar fate by leading the charge against pro-war Republicans and reminding the faithful that he remains a fanatical believer in global warming...
...When hubby came by in their late-model Honda after the interview, the couple was arrested and charged with auto theft...
...As many had predicted, the postwar Democratic party was wracked by factional fighting...
...Salman Rushdie to $2 million...
...What's important here is that its name was not intended in any way to reflect on the fecundity of the woman being tested...
...Bush allegedly replied...
...Maryland campuses are awaiting guest appearances from the state's new poet laureate, Mrs...
...In Los Angeles, California, Stanford University president Donald Kennedy, mastermind of the Stanford procurement scandals, commiserated with alumni over the anger and embarrassment they must be feeling...
...He was feeling jolly and playing a tape by Ella Fitzgerald...
...Further, President Kennedy has been in office for more than ten years and so far has not been subject to term limitation...
...Evidently, the suspects had already stripped the car of its forward gears...
...Linda Pastan, well known in medical circles for her poem "At the Gynecologist's...
...Ah, but there was a ray of hope bursting through the postwar gloom: "Baker Finds 'Window of Opportunity' for Peace," the Post declared, and true to form Secretary Baker became the only administration official to put in an appreciative word for Ronald Reagan...
...I have nurtured her about peace and harmony...
...Spring arrived, and with it the safe landing of countless swallows at San Juan Capistrano, California...
...William lbrnbull, 64, a founder of the North Point Press, died of stomach cancer at his home in Stinson Beach, California...
...How much will we be paid if we deliver Miss Lamott instead...
...What it took me five years to do, the school has undone in three weeks...
...Maurice Harold Friedman, 87, developer of the "rabbit test" for preg6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MAY 1991 nancy, died on March 8 in Sarasota, Florida...
...High School, lost an exchange scholarship to Japan when the host country proved unwilling to place her in a meat-free home, officials said...
...Saddam Hussein's mental incapacity proved a winning issue with Democrats on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee as well, who found themselves kissing the bewitching hand of former ambassador to Iraq April Glaspie after she acknowledged that the administration "foolishly did not realize that [Sad-dam] was stupid...
...Discreetly packaged, the items may be purchased from coin-operated pantie dispensers at a Wacoal store near you...
...Stanford trustees could take their cue from Zolfo Springs, Florida, a town of 1,650 which in the last year has gone through four mayors and four city clerks...
...Speaking to the Gridiron Club, Baker recalled that before the war he had advised President Bush to "just do what Ronald Reagan would have done...
...Police in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, apprehended two men driving a stolen 1971 Impala 30 miles an hour—in reverse, but with the flow of traffic—along Scenic Highway...
...His last moments, alas, were spoiled by the presence at his bedside of one Anne Lamott, the novelist...
...Chatting with the editors of the Honolulu Advertiser in hush puppies and hushed tones ("because of the air conditioning...
...I have the impression you handle yourself very well," said Illinois Senator Paul Simon, the dopiest of them all...
...Spike Lee, the movie director and advertising genius, has accepted an offer from Harvard University to teach in its stuffy Afro-American Studies department...
...Miss Laurie Warnecke, an honor student vegetarian at Mahopac (N.Y...
...The Washington Post took it from there: "U.S...
...On enrolling in Prof...
...I don't have time for a nap," Mr...
...In the realm of euphemism, headlineof-the-month goes to the New York Times for "Paper Says Jet Crashed After Pause by Pilot"—this above a story, first reported in Los Angeles, that the crash of an F-16 near Palmdale, California, last December came about when the plane went out of control "after the pilot paused to urinate into a plastic pouch during a routine training flight...
...The product range this year included thermal panties, panties that glow in the dark, and panties that change pattern under the illumination of disco lights...
Vol. 24 • May 1991 • No. 5
