The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • January has passed, and the Bush Administration's vigorous measures against tyranny worldwide have begun to pay off. At Stanford University the so-called president, Mr....
...Bush's use of force in the Persian Gulf...
...Besieged by investigators from nearly half a dozen federal agencies, including the Defense Department, the Palo Alto strongman agreed to return nearly half a million dollars, a paltry share of the hundreds of millions of dollars that the tightly controlled university bagged in research grants...
...Ray Vargas when District Judge Richard 'Raub adjudged Mr...
...Miss Parker, who died in 1967, could not be reached for comment, though Miss Holly Van Dine of the Trust offered the dubious exegesis that "I don't think it was Dorothy Parker's intention to insult prostitutes...
...Late in the month, trials of the freedom demonstrators of Tiananmen Square began in Peking...
...That's a good one, Holly...
...Bennett, perjured himself...
...She was eventually notified that her drivers had a history of fights but were otherwise competent and well liked in their community...
...Vargas guilty of driving while squiffed...
...Apparently Mr...
...In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 62-year-old Miss Philomena Abruzzese won a $10 million law suit against plastic surgeons who reduced the size of her breasts to an unseemly dimension...
...In New York City, police captured suspected burglar Mr...
...Mordhorst's arrest last July, he "held women in this community in a state of terror," testifies Prosecutor Sean O'Brien, who himself has a fine head of hair...
...One driver summoned help, and five police cars arrived, along with two unmarked detective cars and four more ambulances, plus an Emergency Medical Service supervisor who broke up the fight and sent Miss Ponder and her bruised ambulance drivers on their way...
...Moscow made repeated hostile acts against democratic aspirations in the Baltics...
...And in Baltimore, Maryland, a man who is suspected of making 3,000 obscene telephone calls over twenty-four years has been arrested, and he is not on the faculty or in the administration of any of the area's great universities...
...Judge Traub rejected Mr...
...Attempting to keep the lid on what is beginning to look like a major scandal, the dictator—photographed in the New York Times wearing a military jersey—denied any wrongdoing...
...Victor Herbert Gardner, 46, did, however, make many of his calls to college dormitories, asking his interlocutors to undress and touch themselves in indecent places...
...Robert S. Bennett, special counsel to the Senate Ethics Committee, sought harsh punishment for three senators accused of shady dealings with savings and loan prestidigitator Mr...
...The caller, a 6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MARCH 1991 Mr...
...Leon Jones after he got himself locked inside a grocery store he was burglarizing...
...Until Mr...
...Finally, on the culture scene, twenty-four members of Pittsburgh's Action Against Rape protested to the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust for its shocking decision to emblazon its T-shirts with Miss Dorothy Parker's timeless asseveration, "You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think...
...The belching of cows will be studied by the University of Washington, according to the terms of a $70,000 Environmental Protection Agency grant to study environmental warming (if there is environmental warming...
...El Dorado County Superior Judge Terrence Finney imposed a four-year maximum sentence on Mr...
...While charging a whopping 74 percent administrative cost, the university redirected taxpayers' monies towards a presidential cedar closet, antiques, a presidential yacht, $2,000 worth of flowers monthly, and the refurbishment of a grand piano on which, it is authoritatively rumored, President Kennedy plays martial tunes of dubious taste...
...In their delicious reproof to the Trust, the anti-rape gals yawped, "It is insulting to women who earn or have earned their living as prostitutes, implying that they are unintelligent, unthinking, unappreciative of culture...
...The rest pretty much voiced the concerns of Miss Eurica Rogers, a Capitol Hill resident who averred, "If I were in Colorado or somewhere in the middle of the country, I don't think I'd be so terrified and scared...
...On January 16, Mr...
...Dennis DeConcini, and the Hon...
...David Warren Mordhorst, 35, the noted radiator repairman...
...Mel Rosenberg, head of the Laboratory of Oral Microbiology in Tel Aviv, is convening a first-ever world symposium in Mexico this April during which he will reveal a secret weapon for eliminating the elusive microorganism that is at the seat of bad breath...
...The Nocturnal Hair Snipper of South Lake Tahoe, California, has had the book thrown at him for his unprecedented hair-cutting attacks on three indigenous women...
...In Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, 27-year-old Mr...
...Alan Cranston, the Hon...
...Vargas becomes "involuntarily intoxicated" with a minimum purchase of alcohol—a claim that, if true, will attract for him large and intent audiences on the college lecture circuit...
...RET...
...Former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry was offered a teaching position in the criminal justice department of the University of the District of Columbia...
...Donald W. Riegle, who, according to Mr...
...Both houses of Congress backed Mr...
...Or Miss Rogers could move to New York City, where Miss Gloria Ponder called a city ambulance to transport her four-year-old son, Damien Escobar, to the hospital, only to have the ambulance drivers engage in fisticuffs at her front door...
...According to the Observer of London, scientists at Tel Aviv University are closing in on a cure for halitosis, which, if accomplished, could destroy the Baghdad strongman's system of control within his Baath party...
...Salimu Hatibu, a convicted thief, fled from a courtroom, plunged into a river, and was immediately eaten by a crocodile...
...The gray existence of the federal bureaucrat suddenly promised unanticipated delights when the Food and Drug Administration announced plans to regulate breast implants, beginning in March...
...In Princeton, New Jersey, Princeton University sophomores celebrated the year's first snowfall by stripping naked and disporting in the "Nude Olympics," a Princeton tradition going back centuries to the time when James Madison and his peers practiced it on a more modest scale and recognized its weirdness...
...Congressmen solemnized the opening of the 102nd Congress by promptly abrogating yet another of their 1990 budget agreements with the President...
...Charles H. Keating...
...Some women were going around wearing football helmets, and a lot of the menfolk were worried, too...
...Well, Miss Rogers, if you did not listen to so much rock and roll, your head would not be so full of maudlin tunes...
...According to Miss Anita Malinger, an outspoken opponent of rape in the Pittsburgh area, or anyplace else in Pennsylvania, for that matter, Miss Parker "was lacking in consciousness for people working in the sex industry...
...During the month, majorities in support of the President's prosecution of the war increased almost everywhere but in Berkeley, California (where doubtless many of the resident intelligentsia are under the impression that President Saddam Hussein is a Communist or at least a hippie), and the District of Columbia, where only 44 percent of those polled by a Washington Post/ABC News poll supported the war...
...Donald Kennedy, seems to have capitulated to federal accusations that the Kennedy junta grossly overcharged the government in administering government contracts...
...Miss Ponder waricated herself from the ambulance and hailed a police car to take her to the emergency room...
...Thereupon, Miss Ponder's drivers drove so wildly that Miss Ponder suffered bodily damage, as did her son, but before her ambulance reached the hospital another fight broke out...
...Vargas's defense that he suffers from a delightful intestinal disease called candidiasis, a disorder that makes Mr...
...And, following the precedent of the Old Cowboy's 1986 attack on Libya, President George H. W. Bush unleashed American air power over Kuwait just as the evening news began on January 16...
...In Olathe, Kansas, an unnamed bandit wearing a George Bush mask was arrested when he asked the manager of a fast-food store that he had just robbed to jump-start his getaway car...
...In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a DWI case that could capture the imagination of college students all over the country ended unfortunately for state representative Mr...
...From Seattle, Washington, comes word that the Navy has decided to end its use of dolphins as underwater guards, and in Amble, England, police continued to investigate charges that a diver sexually assaulted a bottle-nosed dolphin named Freddie—a move sure to split the United Kingdom's animal rights and homosexual rights communities...
...The senators are the Hon...
...Vargas, as he slurred it, a "human brewery...
...but last month government sources speculated that Stanford's illicit expenditures might reach $200 million, and no federal agency has yet begun to investigate the numerous charges of human rights violations on campus or charges that the bespectacled tyrant maintains a private army disguised as librarians, who monitor the campus for signs of individuality and rational intelligence...
...All three, incidentally, have long records of being goody-goody Liberals...
...Saddam Hussein seemed to respond by attacking Tel Aviv with Scud missiles, though he may have had more personal motives...
...I can imagine me trying to duck bombs, trying to find my baby...
Vol. 24 • March 1991 • No. 3
