Commies-Dead but Too Dumb to Lie Down
O'Rourke, P. J.
THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR VOL. 24, NO. 11 / NOVEMBER 1991 P. J. O'Rourke COMMIES DEAD BUT TOO DUMB TO LIE DOWN In time for the Tailgunner's birthday, the second annual readers' update of the Joe...
...Worthy though such duplication is, however, it's boring...
...11 / NOVEMBER 1991 P. J. O'Rourke COMMIES DEAD BUT TOO DUMB TO LIE DOWN In time for the Tailgunner's birthday, the second annual readers' update of the Joe McCarthy Memorial New Enemies List (compiled with the assistance of Shawn Miller, who gathered, read, and sorted the various missives quoted below and thereby shifted our auto-da-fe into Drive...
...Smoking probably isn't very good for us, but it drives liberals mad, propels them into frenzies of indignation and sanctimoniousness...
...Charity begins at home, not on Mars, says C. K. Taylor of Washington, D.C., who would like to see the Combined Federal Campaign permanently deducted from life, "for attempting to wrest donations from federal workers at the same time they were threatened with furlough, but more importantly for including the following as charities": Shoe and Rubber Fund D.C...
...The figures that I have stated come from the Center for Defense [Dis]Information, Adm...
...John Seymour, for voting for the Democrats' pet gun-ban bill as a California state senator, and supporting more of the same in Washington...
...But we did manage to pick this item from among your 158 Enemies List nominations: Liberal clergymen who wear traditional wool suits from Brooks Brothers...
...Gary Malmberg of St...
...It's a well-known fact that every year thousands of liberals die from having fits about staying healthy...
...N ow let us complete the 1991 Enemies List with a few acts of Christian Charity...
...W Austerman of San Antonio, Texas, lets fly with a roundhouse right at The lame-brained CBS newscaster of October 7, 1990, who blamed "capitalism and greed" for another abysmal harvest in the USSR...
...English Only Nipmuc Indian Nation Warriors Society, Boston Palm Beach Coalition for World Peace Daughters of Mother Jones Art Against the War Hands Off Cuba [Yes, the very same for which Lee Harvey Oswald toiled so long and hard.] And here's one that is just about impossible to top: Lesbians in Solidarity with the Palestinian People Among the riper examples of literature from the above ilk, we have an ad that reads: "Censored Video: See Former U.S...
...aging, and other projects...
...The National Enquirer—They fabricate, defame, slander, and publicize the perversions, depravity, and moral decadence of half-wit, substance-abusing entertainers—but now they're doing it to the Kennedy clan...
...war is already aimed at us...
...Senate, and for generally keeping the flame of Lowell Weicker alive...
...There's some value, of course, to reiterated denunciations...
...Bonabond inc-=`provides supervision for persons who cannot afford or qualify for personal recognizance release...
...Jennifer and Mike Durham of Raleigh, North Carolina, have in their cross-hair sights Anyone claiming membership in an organization whose name contains one or more of the following: "agains4" toalition," "social," "peace," `offensive, " "ethical," "worlcL" ltction," "friends of" "environment...
...Toyota—their spokesman is Martin Sheen...
...We may have named Cranston, Biden, and Kennedy here first, but it was Brent who ponied up for the TV ads...
...Feminist Institute, Inc.=`promotes social justice and feminist social change through national clearinghouse, research, education, and change projects...
...You may be familiar with Gloria as a leader of the All People's Congress, fighting the proposed baseball stadium or the MUNI fare increases, fighting for expanded aid to victims of the earthquake or supporting the fight of Black firefighters for affirmative action...
...We rule the world...
...This is the fifth Enemies List...
...The Iraqis are too combat-experienced to run away under fire...
...The heck with the Easter ski trip, this is a definite mustsee: WOMEN OF COLOR AND REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS Saturday March 23, 1:00-2:30 How do women of color develop strategic plans around AIDS, the health care delivery system, sex/health education programs, teen pregnancy, reproductive safety in the workplace, abortion, and other reproductive issues particular to us...
...And to be boring violates the first rule of retribution: "If it's boring it isn't really revenge...
...including the Mission, Fillmore, Castro, and Haight...
...unity...
...For example, George Bush, for betting the farm on Gorbachev, the Rostenkowski tax hike, and conditional acceptance of gun control as appended to the Bush crime bill...
...The American Agenda" segments on ABC News...
...Darman or Sununu...
...If war does break out, there is the possibility of an ignominious [U.S.] debacle...
...Another fine job is being done by L. Brent Bozell III...
...ground offensive of any size, the resulting casualties could easily destroy the Bush presidency, regardless of whatever victories are won...
...Stupid and vile Senator John Kerry: "Are we ready for the changes this war will bring—changes in sons and daughters who return from combat never the same, some not knowing their families and their families not even recognizing them...
...Perhaps you have met her in solidarity work for South Africa, Palestine, or Central America...
...I have two more suggestions: Smoke...
...The Republican Guard—Inept, murderous, and mostly dead—but aptly named...
...The Divine Universal Sisterhood Inc...
...They are anti-life...
...However, some credit has to be given to a world leader willingto stand up to the environmental movement...
...The obviously insane author, Vivienne Angus, said: "I'm a great believer that in everybody is every animal and every animal is in everybody...
...Bill Glenn of Kamiah, Idaho, sendsalong, as wrapping on a brickbat, a painstakingly fair newspaper profile of a young man who calls himself KRSOne...
...The bullying communard palaver spewed by fascist Levelers is as repulsive now as it was when it had a Soviet Army attached to it...
...Saudi Arabia—It may be a barren, desolate hellhole kept afloat by American technology, Bangladeshi workers, and German automobiles, but if it makes Molly Yard indignant it's sure as heck worth dying for...
...The PDUM calls for Victory to Iraq and solidarity with the Arab people...
...take Vienna, THEN TAKE VIENNA...
...It would be hard to put Sinead O'Conner on an enemies list too many times...
...But, gosh, we're only on this planet once, so let's heed Gary and Tom's example and try to make it a little nicer place: THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 1991 15...
...Any man who hasn't chuckled at least once over the Zeke Mowat affair...
...Pantsless pot-walloper Ted Kennedy: "We're talking about the likelihood of at least 3,000 American casualties a week, with 700 dead, for as long as the war goes on...
...And a special combination partial plate and wing-tip oxford to the chief dim-bulb at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, Edward N Luttwak: "I don't think there will be a land war...
...Soviet experts"--Stephen F. Cohen first among them—indicted with the rest of the coup conspirators...
...T his year's Enemies List is about a I quart low on yellow bile...
...While we stand up against U.S...
...We're conservatives...
...Ha ha...
...troops was the same for not supporting Iraqi troops, or any troops anywhere for any reason...
...Thank you, Boris Yeltsin...
...Evildoers with any kind of public name, we've publicly named them...
...aggression on Iraq, we have to stand up against the all-out counterinsurgency being waged against African people...
...Or you think it does until you read this astonishing statement from the People's Democratic Uhuru Movement: Representing the interests of the African working class movement inside the borders of the U.S., the People's Democratic Uhuru Movement is the only voice raising up the fact that the land and the oil belong to the Arab people...
...For African and colonized people in this country a full-scale U.S...
...Herewith, a Hall of Shame sampler: Dreadful New York Times columnist Anna Quindlen: "Can we live as a country with the knowledge that once again the children of the poor and of people of color will be killed for the convictions of well-to-do white men...
...worships goddesses...
...The reason for not supporting U.S...
...But, in the end, we must award the grand prize shut-up kudos to the campaign literature of one Gloria La Riva, who is running for mayor of San Francisco on the idiot ticket...
...This caped crusader urges drug addicts to rinse their syringes in his namesake and avoid AIDS...
...She is the entire left-wing thought process: "The world faces P 1 O'Rourke's most recent book is Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S...
...says "herstory" (she should be given an immediate herstorectomy...
...Congressional bucket-mouth James Traficant, Jr.: "Why did the Pentagon recently order 16,000 human remains pouches...
...And cheerfully...
...Everybody knows that "The White House is the Rock House" and "Uncle Sam is the Pusherman" .. . Last year we made our contribution to freedom by naming some of its chronic abusers...
...But that's not why this list is relatively short...
...Smoke cigarettes, smoke pipes, but especially smoke cigars, the great big capitalist-pig chair-leg-sized stogies that smell like barbecuing snow tires...
...How can we put our struggles for reproductive rights both on the agendas of the larger reproductive rights movement and on the agendas of labor and community based organizations of color...
...Or as an initiator of the Farm-workers Emergency Relief effort...
...I think they have a fairly good reputation...
...If there is a U.S...
...Also, now that the KGB is on our side, expect Lawrence Walsh to have a mysterious accident in the bath...
...The [U.S.] Army's armored and mechanized forces can play no offensive role against the vast defensive strength of the Iraqi army...
...Then there's the Office Workers United's printed plea to "shut down the Pacific Stock Exchange": On Monday the 29th . . . 1. Join us (in costume if you like) in actually shutting down the stock exchange itself (301 Pine Street at Sansome...
...Thus our correspondent shows him or herself to be a committed environmentalist—providing us with a rich compost of enemy listings and fighting litter at the same time...
...This year we would like to suggest that a place be set aside amongst the "Guilty by Suspicion" for those recidivists who, in the great liberal tradition, deserve a one-year furlough: Saddam Hussein—Ordinarily, bloodthirsty despots do not ingratiate themselves by using poison gas on defenseless civilians, invading weak neighbors, and setting fire to our precious bubbly...
...Republicans who feel it's time to "govern...
...T his brings us to a huge and amazI ing pile of stuff that has been accumulating in our office for nearly a year...
...Here are just a few of the organizations that have been killing trees and wasting recycled paper to make themselves ridiculous in print: 500 Years of Resistance Committee Church of Peace and Plenty Earth Drama Lab Pesticide Action Network San Francisco League of Urban Gardeners Sea Turtle Restoration Project Friends of American Medical Relief Comm...
...They flop around in paroxysms of worry about the effects of passive smoke inhalation...
...Paul, Minnesota, wishes a Michael Milken-led hostile takeover would descend on Sharp Electronics—they ran anti-Reagan ads in the U.K...
...From C. H. Ross of Nashville, Tennessee, one apple (with Ninja worm) to The National Education Association—if you can read this, don't thank one of these teachers...
...DEFEND THE EARTH...
...difficult and horrendous problems—war, famine, disease, poverty, and injustice...
...Stupid Senator Bob Kerrey: "We should tell [Saddam Hussein] we are not going to declare war and will not initiate attack under the current circumstances...
...Appalling Washington Post columnist Colman McCarthy...
...We loathe these intellectual Gulag-mongers as much as we ever did...
...thinks Egyptians were blackis still whining about the Willie Horton ad Debbie Melman, also from out California way, will be backing her car in and out of handicapped parking spaces hoping to run over Differently Abled Dykm Anybody who is "thinking globally and acting locally...
...Which is nothing to be ashamed of...
...Rivaearnest, pudgy, and gaping in her photograph—is introduced to the voters thus: You may know Gloria as one of the spokespersons and a tireless activist in the Emergency Committee to Stop the U.S...
...How smart can our smart bombs be if they missed him...
...One is, it seems, a respected professional in the rap song industry, and it is his considered belief that the American flag is worse than a swastika, that the American government has been trying to control population growth through AIDS and crack cocaine, and that Abraham Lincoln introduced capiN ow for our own list...
...Paul Ehrlich—published The Population Bomb in 1967, predicting starvation and overpopulation by 1980...
...But we must go farther than this...
...capitalizes the word "green...
...Burning books is wrong, but there's nothing the matter with setting fire to an occasional librarian...
...Michael Wright of Redondo Beach, California, gives a Dutch rub and a noogie to "Republicans who campaign as bulwarks against liberal fabulism and who, upon election, double over and do 95 percent of what their opponents would do...
...Pete Wilson, for appointing Sierra Clubbers to high state posts, for appointing John Seymour to the U.S...
...Why lefties have such a pronounced affinity for these dislikable, useless, and eminently unendangered knaves of the animal kingdom is no mystery...
...We've got a call in to Boris, and we hope soon to have all U.S...
...Government (Atlantic Monthly Press...
...Actual socialist—live and in captivity —Bernie Saunders: "Is [a ground war] 12 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 1991 worth 30,000 or 40,000 casualties...
...Nor are we, like the jejune progressives, angry because established things are established and we are not...
...As is the mailer for the gay bar that offers, on alternate Saturdays, "Basement Bondage Party" and "Green Party" where one can "Meet the Rainforest Action Network...
...And a dreary, tendentious newspaper called Street Sheet, which sells for a dollar and says of itself: "We are presently providing 50 papers a weekday to over 30 [homeless] people at absolutely no cost to them:' (You may have wondered how the homeless could revel every night midst the glitter of downtown while the rest of us can barely afford to go out once a week...
...We still want them marched north onto the pack ice of Hudson's Bay and there, clad only in Birkenstock sandals, set to the task of teaching polar bears vegetarianism...
...Whew...
...This is the fifth Enemies List...
...First wife from hell...
...Laroque's group...
...I had no more penned these words than, opening the September 9 International Herald Tribune, I was confronted by a five-column review of a New Age self-awarenessbook titled Know Yourself Through Your Cat...
...Shoot cats...
...World's wettest former Secretary of the Navy James Webb: "Does anybody really believe that we can launch an attack in January, then secure, occupy, and stabilize Kuwait and withdraw from Saudi Arabia by March...
...Noted troglodyte Pat Buchanan: "What could the United States do, should Iraq overrun Kuwait...
...I have notified him, however, that he remains on strict probation...
...It's hard to pick the best-of-show here...
...War in the Middle East...
...An anonymous well-wisher of no fixed address turns hungry Rottweilers loose upon Any spondaic, dactylic, or anapestic Feminist book titles: (1) Men Who Love Women and the Children They Bear (2) Fat Is a Feminist Issue (3) Women Who Love Too Much (4) Smart Women Foolish Choices Hedrick Smith, who consistently uses liberal doublespeak and calls hard-core Soviet Communist gerontocrats "The Right...
...Speaking of revenge, we still have not, even after three years of trying, invented a suitable means of blackening the fates of our black-listees...
...George Wald—in 1975 predicted the end of the world by 1985 due to political problems...
...Another reason why this Enemies List is a tad brief is that other people have taken up the idea and even improved upon it...
...3. Call in sick (of capitalist exploitation and environmental destruction...
...They have done a hell of a lot more to guard Republicans in '92 than either Messrs...
...Congress of Parents and Teachers-=`provides tennis, leather shoes and boots to District of Columbia public school children...
...We already live in bombed out, burned out communities and experience the brunt of total martial law which comes down on us currently under the guise of the so-called "war on drugs...
...Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League (SMYAL), Inc.=`SMYAL is a youth social services and advocacy agency that seeks to prevent the abuse, neglect, and self-hatred of gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth...
...Paul Wellstone, Saddam Hussein, Ann Richards, Kitty Kelley, David Dinkins, Linda Ellerbee, Linda Ellerbee, Linda Ellerbee...
...Overrated novelist E. L. Doctorow: "There is a rumor going about that .. . the Quartermaster Corps of the Army has ordered 80,000 body bags...
...An anonymous correspondent in the San Francisco area has been collecting all the posters, handbills, flyers, and so forth that appear in such profusion in Berkeley, Oakland, and the other captive nations of the East Bay region...
...President George Bush, who forgot (if he ever knew) Napoleon Bonaparte's eminently sensible dictum, "If you decide to THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 1991 13 talism to America...
...Nick Renton and John Schroeder of Los Angeles, California, give a poke in the eye, Moe Stooge-style, to anybody who uses the word 'diversity" and isn't referring to a stock portfolio...
...DEFEND YOUR RIGHTS...
...Cats are disloyal, self-regarding layabouts with nothing but contempt for those who feed and protect them...
...violence prevention, feminist tours, feminist camp...
...14 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 1991 And a flyer advertising Pasta for Peace in El Salvador pushes the envelope of human silliness...
...in the West Bank and Gaza Food Not Bombs Middle East Children's Alliance Roots Against War Samoans for Samoans of California San Francisco Mime Troupe Santa Cruz Christic Action Team Students Against US...
...Liben, your handwriting is almost as incomprehensible as the political beliefs of the people you are indicting...
...2. Use the general disruption as an excuse to arrive (very) late at work...
...I'll bet you thought we were talking condoms...
...And Paul H. Liben of Yonkers, New York, sends us a big, big, big Linda Ellerbee of a letter, all handwritten...
...Evildoers with any kind of name, we've publicly named them...
...The producers should be a little disingenuous and call them "The Liberal Agenda...
...We know evil exists...
...Then there's the End French Testing in Tahiti poster, and another poster depicting the adventures of a superhero named BleachMan...
...Certainly the handbill for the Gay and Lesbian Leather Community's benefit beer blast with "Leather Erotica Raffle" is a contender...
...Donald Rizzi of Alameda, California, kicks off with boot toe put to Any college or university that gives up its Indian nickname and then wonders why many alumni stop sending wampum...
...With a battle-hardened army larger than our own, Iraq could not be stopped on the ground...
...Yes, we can afford to be indulgent toward the left-outs and the left-overs and their ever more pathetic fantasies of influence and power...
...We can afford to be indulgent, but we aren't...
...One delivered himself of these philosophical insights at the University of Idaho, where the audience gave him a standing ovation...
...And Gary Osen and Thomas Propson of Washington, D.C., seem to be conducting a regular love-in...
...Adrian H. Krieg of Acworth, New York, wishes all manner of natural ills upon Rachel Carson—published The Silent Spring in 1962, predicting the end of the world in twenty years...
...Intervention in the Gulf at San Francisco State University National Association of Black and White Men Together Tenderloin Self-Help Center US.-Vietnam Friendship Association Women Against Imperialism Alliance for Philippine Concerns Patrice Lumumba Coalition Bring the Frigates Home Coalition, Sydney, Australia Committee for Peace and Reunification in Korea Dominican Workers Party Committee vs...
...We're beginning to repeat ourselves or belabor the obvious: the Kennedy family and their never-ending zipper problems, Winnie Mandela with her Leon Spinks approach to political indoctrination of the young, Molly Yard, Sen...
...Attorney General Ramsey Clark's Recent Trip Through the Iraq War Zone...
...We could ask scientists and scholars what to do about these problems or pray to God for guidance, or we could study the problems ourselves and try to discern solutions, but fortunately, we don't have to do any of that because there's a bald girl in Dublin who has all the answers...
...Owning a cat is as close as most pinkos come to having a normal personal relationship...
...EARTH AND PEOPLE BEFORE PROFITS...
...ACT-UP While we are not normally fond of militant homosexual groups that harass the Catholic Church and, even more sacrilegiously, disrupt the stock market, we feel that amnesty must be granted to anyone who manages to get Dan Rather off the air—even for five minutes...
...Repression in Haiti Tyne Daly Spike Lee Committee for Puerto Rican Affirmation Mozambique Support Network National Coalition vs...
...Mary A. Lane of Seattle, Washington, swats with a large paddle Writers of European travel books who warn their readers not to be "Ugly Americans...
...Conservatism is not a vulgar mass movement that needs to foster hatred as a "unifying agent...
...Shoot cats, Q.E.D...
...But there's the problem...
...And we're able and willing to identify it in that long police lineup which is modern politics...
...Frankly, Mr...
...We also have a screed from Women Organizing for Social and Economic Justice, touting their "Movements for Justice Panel Series...
...Rene Dubos—in 1972 predicted the end of the world by 1997 due to over-industrialization...
...A great Halloween outfit for the kids...
...However, the best postTAS proscription is Don Kowet's "Desert Storm Hall of Shame," which ran daily in the Washington Times's Life section for three weeks last March and named and quoted more than two dozen Persian Gulf peace creeps...
...Reporters and commentators who use the words "courage" "wisdom," or "making tough choices" as disguised synonyms for "willingness to tax...
...C. H. Ross, who earlier in this article condemned the NEA, has decided to let the Pope off with a warning: Pope John Paul his hereby reprieved on account of the encyclical Centesimus Annus...
...Keith Coffman of Westminster, Colorado, has his Zippo ready and is waiting outside The Boulder, Colorado public library—for banning the Hardy Boys detective series from its shelves...
...Or as a candidate for Mayor in 1983, when she finished third, and in second place in many working class neighborhoods...
...Left-wingers acknowledge this likeness by giving cats names such as "Che," "Chairman Meow," and "Linda Ellerbee...
Vol. 24 • November 1991 • No. 11
