The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • May is now past and the boredom goes on. Nineteen-ninety may well swoon into the history books as the Republic's most tedious year since 1889, when, the Encyclopedia of...
...and in Fort Pierce, Florida, activists have moved against Westwood High School's "Kiss A Pig III," in which participants pay to vote for their favorite candidate to kiss a pig...
...President Bush granted most favored nation status to China...
...Loose lips sink ships...
...Jessie Tafero, formerly a killer of policemen...
...The kissing, according to Miss Marian Lentz of the Animal Rights Foundation of Florida, is "very scary and very stressful" to pigs—a clear case of what the shrinks call projection, eh Miss Lentz...
...There is evidence that the Ku Klux Klan is moving to the left...
...He also is accused of dressing in a wig and women's clothing and exposing himself at nearby Laundromats...
...Louis, Missouri, Miss Maia Brodie, she of the toothsome bottom, has won a $27,500 civil settlement from Mr...
...Al-Asghar Ahani, a hunter, was shot dead by a snake that cleverly coiled itself around the man's gun...
...Smith, 26, is an AIDS sufferer who injudiciously bespoke whilst biting the officer three times, "Now die, you pig...
...According to the May 1 edition of the Sun, a White House "handyman" working on a boiler in the basement stumbled upon an eight-foot-tall "alien corpse" that had been "hidden away by bigwig officials in yet another attempt to keep the American public from learning the truth" about extraterrestrial life—that is to say, life unlike anything found on this earth or in Marin County, California...
...Dr...
...tells us, only two things happened domestically, both in February...
...Carl "Spitz" Channell, Sammy Davis, Jr., Jim Henson, Murray 6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR JULY 1990 Kempton, Walker Percy, and Howard Ross Hale, the Western Union telegrapher who relayed H. L. Mencken's news reports from the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial...
...Giorgio Pascanello, an Italian national, for biting off a choice piece of his wife's tongue while on holiday...
...Elden Hughes of the Sierra Club asserts is "absolutely criminal," and illustrative of "total disrespect for a tremendous and rare resource...
...Henceforth, the noble objects will be called "person-access chambers...
...Miss Caron was the scene of the largest ovarian tumor ever surgically removed in the state of Florida...
...He also sucked on a pacifier and "often had his hands in his diaper, but [employees] did not become suspicious until nap time" when they made him sleep alone...
...Truth be known, Mr...
...Greek authorities have incarcerated Mr...
...Gregory D. Smith to twenty-five years in the calaboose for biting a sheriffs officer...
...Nineteen-ninety may well swoon into the history books as the Republic's most tedious year since 1889, when, the Encyclopedia of American History (6th ed...
...Yet the Republic may be jumping again soon...
...In Florida they prevailed on the Martin County Fair commissioners to cancel their annual greased pig contest...
...Boris Yeltsin was crowned czar of the Russian Republic...
...Thatcher's adversaries...
...Tong spontaneously ignited four times," boasts the China Youth News...
...till 10 a.m...
...However, technicians, who were called in to examine the valuable instrument, pronounced it in good running order, needing only a sponge replacement...
...but the handyman and his Pentagon confrere have maintained control of the documents...
...At West Valley City, Utah, it took day-care officials two hours to decide that a man dressed like a baby girl and mingling with the children was a "possible pervert...
...Tong Tangiang has seen smoke pouring from his pants...
...Ben Snark, an investigative reporter for the Sun, has interviewed the anonymous Pentagon employee and found him to be no dummy: "Outraged over the coverup of such an earth-shattering event, the Army official asked the handyman to sneak the alien's corpse out of the White House so it could be turned over to the media...
...If they can ever make contact with Carl Bernstein or Bob Woodward, the sky's the limit...
...Alexander Cockburn...
...When a six-foot three-inch, 220-pound Caucasian in his late twenties arrived, wearing a little girl's pink dress, bloomers, pink slippers, and a diaper, the day-care operators saw nothing amiss...
...Hurth got off lightly...
...Die from what I have...
...Margaret Thatcher's political prospects have improved came when May's local elections went less badly than expected, despite the grim fact that an outbreak of traditional British Mad Cow Disease is sweeping the United Kingdom, driving, according to Gallup surveys, as many as a quarter of British households to drop roast beef from Sunday lunch—a catastrophe certain to have played into the hands of Mrs...
...Philip D. Myers, 17, who was unarmed at the time...
...In St...
...In Camden, New Jersey, Superior Court Judge John B. Mariano sentenced prison inmate Mr...
...Evidence that Mrs...
...Charles Hurth, III who insists he was merely paying Miss Brodie a "compliment" when in a festive mood he sank his teeth into her buttock...
...On May 31 President Mikhail Gorbachev sat down with President George Herbert Walker Bush for the first meeting of their Washington summit...
...Science News on May 12 made bold to report that chewing tobacco is an excellent source of dietary protein...
...RET...
...though as they reported to the local newspaper, "he wore heavy pink make-up and blue eye shadow, and . . . a pink bonnet...
...In Tallahassee, Florida, relief was felt all around when Governor Bob Martinez assured the citizenry that the state's electric chair was not seriously damaged during the electrocution of Mr...
...Apparently, during the lecture she drew her gun and accidentally shot Mr...
...Richard Berendzen, president of American University, checked into the Sexual Disorders Clinic of the Johns Hopkins University...
...On May 23, Dr...
...Finally, the Sacramento, California, City Council's female majority has risen as one to demand that women too share in the honor and glory associated for so long with the name "manhole" cover...
...Concerned about "Nazi Klans" that advocate violence and undemocratic behavior, four hitherto unassociated Klans united on May 20 into one stupendous entity, the Invisible Empire of the Ku Klux Klan, Inc., which will have nothing to do with any klavern remotely touched by Nazi philosophy or machine politics and which will adopt as its governmental model precepts very similar to those of the League of Women Voters...
...Hurth, a lawyer, testifies that on at least two earlier occasions the recipients of his esteem were actually quite flattered...
...Edward L. Modesto, has been charged with conduct unbecoming an officer for engaging in homosexual acts and indecent exposure at the Hide N' Seek Club in Colorado Springs...
...Modesto is an oral surgeon...
...The "handyman" also discovered documents authenticating the corpse's identity and cause of death, which he handed over to an acquaintance at the Pentagon...
...We were kissing," explained Mrs...
...Let the world laugh...
...Pascanello, "but suddenly Giorgio went wild and started biting me...
...Upon hearing President Mikhail Gorbachev's plans to implement a "regulated market economy" in the Soviet Union, Lenin's children responded accordingly and instantaneously bought up all that was buyable in Soviet shops...
...The man remains unidentified at this writing, though he does put one somewhat in mind of radical columnist and cross-dresser Mr...
...Animal rights activists were given plenty to cheer about...
...On May 29 Mr...
...Somehow Chief of Staff John Sununu got wind of the plan and had the corpse whisked away before the handyman could take action...
...In two hours from 8 a.m...
...And from China comes exciting news for conservationists concerned about future energy sources...
...where there is smoke there is energy...
...Park rangers at Mitchell Caverns Natural Preserve outside of Needles, California, have charged the film crew of that moral colossus Mr...
...Tafero was dispatched on May 4, but the authorities who administered a trinity of 2,000-volt shocks became alarmed when flames, sparks, and a puff of smoke appeared several inches above his head...
...Oliver Stone with defacing priceless limestone caverns, an act that Mr...
...In Denver, Colorado, an army surgeon, Col...
...At the beginning of the month, it was reported in a national newspaper of considerable influence that George Herbert Walker Bush's White House has been engaged in "the biggest government coverup since Watergate...
...In Seoul, Korea, Miss Choong Sonah died instantly when she leapt from the eighth floor of an apartment building during an exceptionally ambitious impersonation of Wonder Woman...
...In Greenwood High School outside of Indianapolis one student was wounded when Officer Terri Gann of the Greenwood Police Department delivered an unusually impassioned version of her gun control talk...
...The China Youth News reports that the grandmother of Mr...
...Finally rested and refreshed, the man was asked to leave by the center's supervisor, who recognized the intruder as having shown up at another of her centers two years ago claiming he was participating in a fraternity initiation rite...
...Berendzen, a long-time reader of the New York Review of Books and Scientific American, was convicted of making off-color telephone calls to women who advertised home day-care services in Washington newspapers, which might not be as bizarre as it seems...
...May saw the passing of Messrs...
...What threw them off was that a telephone caller posing as a University of Utah dean had told them he wanted to punish a student cheat by enrolling him temporarily in the center...
...But the activists' best news came from Iran where Mr...
...Congratulations to Miss Sandy Caron, 47, of Jacksonville, Florida...
Vol. 23 • July 1990 • No. 7
