Eminentoes/Senior Citizens
Queenan, Joe
person who tells a hard luck story. N o system can eliminate begging altogether. There always are some people who will resort to it, and some willing to give their change. Indeed, most people would...
...They may not go hungry—although some say they do—but do lack the minor amenities of life...
...It is hard to be old, unable to work, and poor enough to beg...
...ihills 131 Townsend Street, San Francisco, CA 94107 Put the whole world at your fingertips, with...
...For some this hard course may come hard...
...We have every expectation that it will be a huge boost to tourism...
...Indeed, most people would willingly give to people in actual need who have no other resort...
...We hit backwaters of the Okefenokee where people have never even heard of the House of Representatives," notes Coelho, who resigned from Congress last spring, amidst allegations of fiscal improprieties involving Drexel Burnham Lambert...
...The Congress will travel around to eighteen different shopping malls in southern Florida and stage lifelike debates on all the pivotal legislative issues of our time: abortion, disarmament, airline de-regulation, sex with congressional pages...
...I think it's going to be a hoot...
...It would sure bring out the teenyboppers," chuckles Moffett...
...We have been paying young people too much for begging...
...reports of the U.S...
...The quarter we give them discourages them from working and encourages them to go on begging...
...Add sales tax for CA delivery...
...It costs $30 more—$129.95...
...We import Venturers in container loads and can offer them for just $99.95...
...Moffett, who charges a $3.99 admission to each congressional session, concedes that salaries are nothing like those the legends of American politics used to haul down while they were on Capitol Hill...
...One might wish to help out an elderly beggar...
...The problem that must and can be solved is begging by young and able persons...
...The remedy, then, and it is the only practical remedy we have, is, with the exception of the old and disabled, to refuse to give anything to beggars...
...I can still filibuster, I can still pork barrel, and I can still pin hopelessly inappropriate legislation onto omnibus bills with the best of them," says Wright...
...preme Court, a Senior Department of Transportation, and even a Senior White House sometime next summer...
...Weather Bureau, and get news of all support services—police, fire, ships, and civil defense...
...But none of the senior congressmen seem to be complaining...
...You have 30-day return privilege and one year warranty...
...UPS/insurance: $6.95 for one Venturer MultiBand Receiver, $8.95 for three...
...We cannot ship without this information...
...The Venturer Receiver gives you crisp reception over the full ten bands of the radio spectrum, including, of course, the entire AM/FM range...
...The thirty-two ex-congressmen who Joe Queenan is a frequent contributor to Barron's and other publications...
...So far, Jim Wright, Tip O'Neill, Tony Coelho, and John Jenrette have all committed to a 16-week legislative season," beams Kirby Moffett, the wealthy condominium developer who came up with the novel idea for a roving legislative ensemble...
...Much as I enjoyed being in the House of Representatives, I never had any real fun up there," laughs recently deposed House Speaker Jim Wright...
...Venturer works off your 110-volt house current, off batteries, or off any external 12-V...
...DC source...
...EMINENTOES SENIOR CITIZENS by Joe Queenan I nspired by the success of the fledg- 1 ling Senior Baseball League, a Florida real estate developer has launched a Senior House of Representatives based in Pompano Beach, Florida...
...Then there is the aircraft band, and all 40 channels of the CB band...
...It's a real civics lesson for these yahoos...
...But you can also roam the international shortwaveand ham radio bands (4 to 12 mHz) for information from all over the world...
...But it is socially and morally far better than to take the easy way out, assuage guilt feelings, and encourage parasitic living...
...The ex-congressmen travel around the state in two oversized mobile homes, plus a ferry—the Houseboat—that plies its way through the swampier regions of the interior...
...But there is more: Listen to 24--hr...
...But Ford got shortchanged on his term, only serving those two years, so he'll do it for lunch money plus a guarantee of a couple of good tee times...
...But we have an even better deal: Buy two for $199.90, and we'll send you a third one, with our compliments—absolutely FREE...
...This here Senior Circuit gives me a chance to crack jokes, slap fannies, even squish a few cream pies in Republican faces...
...Wherever the Senior House has appeared so far, the ex-politicians have been vastly outnumbered by an ancillary group of Senior Lobbyists, Senior Pundits, and Senior Legislative Assistants...
...Reagan wants big bucks—you know, that Japan thing—and Nixon's still pouting," says the good-natured Moffett...
...But why not help him, even if he has enough to eat...
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...Moffett also has high hopes that convicted jail-bait aficionado Buz Lukens may join the group should Ohio voters chuck him out of office in the next congressional election...
...T hough most members of the Se- 1 nior Congress are seasoned warriors whose political careers are clearly over, more than a handful admit that they are wandering around the wilds of semi-rural Florida in thehopes of getting their careers back on track...
...If you prefer, mail check or card autorization and expiration...
...Take advantage of this special offer and order your Venturer MultiBand Receiver(s) today...
...We need daytime phone for all orders and issuing bank for charge orders...
...Moffett says that if the Senior House, whose deliberations will be carried live on CNN starting in March, is a success, he may consider adding a Senior Senate, a Senior SuVenturer MultiBand Receiver only $9995* *But read the ad for an even better deal...
...The "special dear= 3 for the price of 2—is also available for this model...
...We will have fewer of them begging if we pay less...
...Since employment is available, they beg because they find begging profitable enough to prefer it to the work which, to coin a phrase, goes begging...
...Yet, as suggested, peoplewho are disabled and unable to work are provided for by the welfare system...
...We have a small monthly allotment of the Venturer 2, same as the standard Venturer, but it also plays cassette tapes...
...He may be provided for...
...down in the Grapefruit League pay starts at $400 a week, plus motel lodging (shared double beds), and an $18 per diem for meals...
...make up the Senior Congress are a rich and varied lot, ranging from retired but cash-strapped legends such as O'Neill to disgraced figures such as Pat Swindall, the convicted Georgia congressman who has been granted weekend passes from federal prison to participate in the ersatz House's bogus deliberations...
...And Carter, well, we know we can get Jimmy cheap...
...Senior Girlfriends have also been spotted, but Moffett denies that any are on the payroll...
...I still think I can cut it in the bigs...
...And you can pick up the TV-audio from channels 2 to 13, a great way to keep up with your favorite prouams...
Vol. 23 • April 1990 • No. 4
