The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • November began with unanticipated rowdiness in East Germany disturbing the sleep of all non Teutonic Western Europeans and ended with rowdiness in Czechoslovakia disturbing...
...RET...
...Miss Monica de Alzaga, a daughter of Mr...
...magazine folded, again...
...After a salacious debate and snickering all around, the Toronto City Council voted to replace the word "manhole" with the non-sexist term "maintenance hole," despite objections from Councilwoman Maureen Prinsloo who evoked mystification by asseverating: "Women are sensible enough that they don't go down these stupid things...
...Merwyn Willis Nichols, 49, to life imprisonment for stealing brisket worth $10.35...
...Once the twits who pore over this celebrated section of the Times begin carting their fat wives off to the "Opulent Spas" and to the "Pasha's Pools," Communism will be reimposed in Eastern Europe and by popular demand...
...If all goes well, the happy couple will be able to spend seventy-two hours every three to six months secluded in a special trailer on the grounds of Warkworth Prison...
...iNo pasaran...
...Rohrbacher could apprehend what purposes the husky ladies and their skinny lovers would put his lovely camp to, he was imprisoned in his office with two well-armed harridans at the door...
...A presentiment spreads that the Cold War is ending...
...The Labor Department announced that consumer prices in October rose 0.5 percent...
...even the drunks stood up or were so squiffed that they fell beneath their chairs...
...They shall not pass...
...Actually the phrase was coined by her in response to the flatulence of a rowdy group of anarchists who were mischievously breaking wind one night at a Madrid cafe where "La Pasionaria" served as a rather bossy waitress...
...According to Mr...
...and in darkest Tyler, Texas, a jury sentenced Mr...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS • November began with unanticipated rowdiness in East Germany disturbing the sleep of all non Teutonic Western Europeans and ended with rowdiness in Czechoslovakia disturbing the sleep of all remaining Stalinists worldwide, including Mr...
...Deane, both of New York, Greenwich, Connecticut, and Tucker's Town, Bermuda...
...French researchers announced that a "natural cream" rubbed within the confines of the navel can lessen hemorrhoidal bleeding, also known as Jimmy Carter disease...
...Nicknamed "La Pasionaria," the famed crone was idolized by members of the Spanish Communist party, laboring under the mistaken belief that during the Civil War she coined the defiant phrase...
...and Mrs...
...This has got to end...
...Congress...
...Before Mr...
...The Terror has begun...
...Rohrbacher's assertions were fully corroborated by Police Chief Michael Kirchner who responded to three complaints at the camp that weekend, the most serious of which, in Chief Kirchner's vivid depiction, "involved seven handicapped lesbians in wheelchairs blocking the road because they didn't have full access to the camp...
...Of a sudden the New York Times was publishing pieces in its travel section booming the "Opulent Spas" of Czechoslovakia and the "Pasha's Pool" of old Budapest...
...Peter Roman won the Combat Roach Control System's prestigious award for the year's largest cockroach, beating out entries from many of the dirtiest cities in the country...
...The attacker, who kicked and punched the terrified Betsy before being arrested, could face charges of assault, cruelty to animals, and sexual harassment...
...But Miss Welch was adamant, responding, "Well, there are 52 states in the Union, so basically it means that we're running around all over the place...
...The new Mrs...
...And in Madrid, Spain, one of the most misunderstood figures of the Spanish Civil War, Miss Dolores Ibarruri, died at the age of ninety-three...
...Dan Wenk, an official at the Mount Rushmore monument, announced plans to perform the first structural analysis of the faces on Mount Rushmore since the 1930s...
...Timothy Veysey, has the right to apply for conjugal visits from his boyfriend assuming that no life-endangering sexual aids are brought onto government property...
...Roman, whose whereabouts is unknown, by Mr...
...In West Stockbridge, Massachusetts, the testimony of Mr...
...In New York City the spirit of Tammany Hall was resurrected when clubhouse pol Mr...
...In Toronto, Canada, federal judge Jean Dube ruled that a homosexual prisoner, Mr...
...Manuel Quintana, a former president of Argentina and excellent bolita player...
...Yet hold the celebrations...
...Brooklyn's Mr...
...On November 27 Mr...
...Barry Glass, president of Big Apple Pest Control...
...Marcello de Alzaga of Buenos Aires, was married to Disque D. Deane, Jr., a son of Marjorie S. Deane and Mr...
...The French government, through its Interior and Sports Ministries, has banned blithe spirits from leaping off tall structures secured with only an elastic band to protect them from disfigurement or worse...
...Lech Walesa received four standing ovations during his November 15th address to the United States Congress...
...From the Pentagon word leaked that our government can cut $180 billion from the military by 1994, and the Liberals are raising the goofball chorus that conservatives and Ronald Reagan had nothing to do with current events though they directed foreign policy throughout the 1980s...
...Alexander Cockburn of the Nation and Fat Sal, the helium balloon blower at the Children's Zoo in Central Park...
...David Dinkins squeezed out victory over the morally pristine Mr...
...In a note on Chinese femininity, a Chinese weekly review reports that that I7-year-old girl from the southwestern province of Sichuan "moulted" for three months after biting an amorous python that fell on her as she slept by a riverside...
...Mr...
...but this does not mean that the sport cannot be taken up elsewhere, for instance, in the United States, where the skyscraper was first developed and where we still have many tall buildings in private hands...
...On November 21 Mr...
...At the University of North Carolina, Wilmington, a group of campus rightists led by the diabolical College Republicans overwhelmed a poorly attended meeting of progressives in The Campus Awareness Organization, elected each other officers, and put this once progressive organization to their own insensitive purposes...
...in response to an attack on Madrid by Franco's rebels...
...The snake died...
...In Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, three men convicted of armed robbery were beheaded by the sword and then crucified after Friday prayers...
...In Melbourne, Australia, an unnamed male assailant leaped into the gorilla cage of the Melbourne Zoo, accosting Betsy, a 220-pound ape, and shouting, "I've come to kill a gorilla...
...Rohrbacher's testimony to local authorities, he was being held prisoner by 650 lesbians, who, contrary to them, were not members of a women's rights group at all but hardened lesbians intent on playing rock 'n' roll at some weirdo revel called the Full Circle Festival...
...King approached the problem gingerly, but eventually noted, "By 52 states, you mean 50 states and the District of Columbia and where else...
...Timoci Bavadra, who was prime minister of Fiji for a month before being ousted in the South Pacific's first army coup...
...The auteur of the Washington Times's magisterial "Inside the Beltway" column, Mr...
...John Elvin, acting on a tip from snoops at the Media Research Center, reports that Miss Raquel Welch notified viewers of the Larry King show that "Chicago is one of our 52 states...
...Neither in Eastern Europe nor in the USSR has usufruct of the secret police and the military been handed over to a United Nations peace-keeping force or even to officials elected by secret ballot—a matter worth contemplating before we pound our swords into Capitol Hill pork, as our great leaders would have us do...
...Deane is a great-great-granddaughter of Mr...
...Prince Franz Josef II of Liechtenstein passed on as did Mr...
...Rudolph Giuliani to become mayor and chief boodler of the worm-eaten Apple...
...Roman's 1.88-inch beauty was measured by electronic digital calipers at New York's plush Explorers Club, where the $1,000-prize and certificate for a lifetime supply of roach killer were accepted on behalf of Mr...
...Celebrants at the tenth annual "Humiliation,of the Great Satan March" hanged four American spies in downtown Tehran...
...Wenk betrayed no hint of this magazine's intention to have President Ronald Reagan's face added to the monument despite The American Spectator's recent announcement that President Reagan's left ear will be molded from the crushed stone of the Berlin Wall...
...There she entered upon a new life of controversy in which she blew up practically every pacemaker implanted in her unruly body...
...Richard Rohrbacher, owner of the Kingsmont summer camp, has cleared up much of the mystery over the unprecedented tumult that issued from his camp last Labor Day weekend and roused neighbors to call the cops...
...Before the month was out, the Berlin Wall was full of holes as was the Communist leadership of Czechoslovakia and Bulgaria...
...She lived in the Soviet Union from 1939 until Franco's death in 1977, whereupon the Russians were quick to return the disagreeable lady to Spain...
...Barry Sadler, co-writer and performer of "Ballad of the Green Berets," died fourteen months after be8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR JANUARY 1990 ing ambushed in Guatemala City, where he was reportedly training anti-Communist guerrillas contrary to the wishes of many illustrious members of the U.S...
...Zdenek Janicek, a brewery worker, rose up before a Prague street crowd and read from the Declaration of Independence...
...John Gardner, a Kansas City, Missouri, nursing home resident, was shot and killed by four young men intent on stealing his freshly purchased cheeseburger and fries...
Vol. 23 • January 1990 • No. 1
