The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • April was a very quiet month, and the Republic's commentators are in a dreadful state over the possibility that this stillness is but a presentiment of the full Bushian era....
...The virtuous Democrats have been hounding their opponents for pecadillos, appearances of pecadillos, and appearances of appearances of pecadillos...
...According to Dr...
...China's Xinmin Evening News reports that Chinese peasants seeking obedient wives prefer mentally retarded girls, who are apparently more ladylike than mentally fit Chinese gals and fetch as much as $1,500 on the hick market...
...As to Judge Viglielmo's determination that Mr...
...James Mattison, 59, across state lines...
...The guy died," Chief Salters fumed, "going to the bathroom and that's where he remained for four days...
...RET...
...Possibly so and possibly no...
...Dallas Jackson, co-founder of the Blackology Speaking Committee of Texas...
...Richard "Luke" Clementis, 52, for transporting the corpse of his recently deceased friend, Mr...
...Better still, Old Dirty Paws vows to fight each charge, though some pundits doubt his tenure will last beyond summer...
...Debov exclaimed, scientists worked round the clock, "in a struggle to preserve literally every square millimeter of skin against putrefaction...
...Now Mr...
...Xu believes that techniques developed to combat decay-causing bacteria in Chairman Mao can be applied to the fields of "book preservation and grain storage...
...Ours is a color-free society...
...Robinson...
...and in Mulhouse, France, hundreds of Hungarian gypsies gathered to pay last respects to the mortally ill "Baron Demeter," king of the gypsies...
...The committee has publicly threatened to boycott the "Ramses the Great" exhibit sponsored by the Egyp6 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR JUNE 1989 tian government at the Texas State Fairgrounds unless Ramses II, a twelfth century B.C...
...Mr...
...Professor Hummel has been ordered to "undergo" counseling...
...In Stockholm, eight female frogs escaped from a holding pen in the Esrange rocket center, delaying a rocket launch and an anticipated series of studies of female coital behavior with eight lucky males in a weightless environment...
...and for now everything is okie-dokie...
...What kind of news story is this...
...He [Clementis] left him [Mattison] right on the toilet, propped him up a little bit and headed home...
...Sergei S. Debov, official overseer of Mr...
...and Professor Richard Hummel, 60, has been barred from the University of Toronto's swimming pool...
...The judge] didn't pull the body out of the motor home...
...Mattison expired whilst seated on their motor home's built-in toilet...
...Egypt's cultural emissary, Mr...
...Back in 1924 when the corpse became a corpse, the astonishing Dr...
...As the worldwide Marxist-Leninist vivarium rumbles with changes hitherto unforeseen, some very curious news stories are being released and in very curious sequence...
...The judge's leniency evoked indignation from Woodstock Police Chief John Salters, who described Mr...
...Finally, Empress Zita, the last Hapsburg monarch, was laid to rest in Vienna, Austria...
...George E Kennan make of that...
...Yet the Crisis ends on good news this month...
...The proceedings against Professor Hummel began after a complaint was filed by part-time student Miss Beverly Torfason (no photograph available), who testified that Professor Hummel fluttered next to her for four laps "while watching me intently...
...What...
...Clementis intended no harm, Chief Salters responds: "I don't agree...
...Xu, the plump little dictator's vital statistics are exactly as they were on that sad day back in 1976 when he assumed room temperature—quoth Dr...
...and the distinguished Dr...
...such nonchalance did not obtain in the good old days of Jimmy Carter—and they get older every day...
...Well, America wants to know: Was Ramses II off-white...
...pharaoh, is identified as being Negro...
...Moral fires flare anew and with good reason...
...Speaking at a meeting of the Council on Foundations, former President Jimmy Carter yawped: "I have great confidence that Bush can bring about changes to some of the mistakes [of the Reagan administration...
...Robin Saunders of the Department of Agriculture's food quality research unit in Albany, California, is ardent to commence studies on the matter...
...Vladimir I. Lenin's embalmed remains, had reassured that venerable organ of red rectitude that "the preservation of Lenin's body is guaranteed for an extended period of time...
...Professor Hummel promised never again to look at her, but Miss Torfason, who is somewhat self-conscious, insisted that he be banned from the pool, and the tribunal agreed, noting that "prolonged and intense staring can create a hostile environment in any setting, but especially in and around a swimming pool...
...Abbie Hoffman, 52, committed suicide in his home, a converted turkey coop, by taking 150 phenobarbital pills, which he washed down with booze—very bourgeois, eh Mrs...
...A vast amount of data shows the remains have not shrunk...
...Former Senator Chic Hecht was again the butt of Liberal jocosity after his forthright testimony during Senate hearings regarding his qualifications to serve as U.S...
...On April 5, Pravda reported that Dr...
...What fits him for this post is his golf game and, he testified, "I've been involved in gambling in Nevada...
...Aboul-Ela has really stepped in it, denying that Ramses II was either white or black...
...And all is well in the People's Republic of China too, if that country's Marxist-Leninist necrophiliacs are to be believed...
...President George Bush threw out the first baseball of the season, auspicating a game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Boston Red Sox...
...Xu: "We regularly and precisely monitor the length and weight of Chairman Mao's remains...
...The decision came after it was reported that an unidentified inmate had an artificial testicle implanted after his/her diseased testicle was removed surgically...
...In men's news, there was irony aplenty in New York, where a 67-year-old Park Avenue dentist, Dr...
...Xu Jing, chief of the Management Bureau of the Chairman Mao Memorial Hall, rushed forward to squelch rumors that the embalmed body of Chairman Mao Tse-tung is "shrinking," though no such rumors had reached my ears...
...AbdelLatif Aboul-Ela, has found himself in an unanticipated row with the eminent Mr...
...In Woodstock, New York, Judge Jules Viglielmo has dropped charges against Mr...
...We are tired of people using our culture and history," declared the erudite Mr...
...Jackson, "to make money off of us...
...Are we to go back to the old days when the nation's divertissements were the products of private citizens in grease paint rather than pols, as has been our condition at least since Roosevelt II...
...Clementis as a "bum...
...On April 20 the front page of the New York Times reported that an asteroid passed within half a million miles of earth, and no government agency notified us...
...Is it possible that America's 1990s will be likened to America's 1890s—palmy times, benignity all around, grim national crusades, a sense of well-being presided over by such avuncular figures as Presidents Cleveland and McKinley...
...A high university tribunal found Professor Hummel, a near-sighted instructor of chemical engineering, guilty of wearing goggles, a snorkel, and flippers in the pool the better to "leer" at the nether regions of female swimmers...
...perhaps beige...
...In still more men's news, beer is being touted as an excellent antidote to cholesterol...
...What is more, President Bush has had reason to be out of the limelight...
...Miss Shepherd, a sadomasochist and legal secretary, wore a full-length, red spandex body suit with a black leather belt, heavy chains, a harness, and lace-up boots, very similar to the attire worn in many of Manhattan's unisex aerobics centers...
...and on April 18 things got out of hand...
...President Bush should be ashamed...
...Moreover, Dr...
...Precisely one day after Pravda's revelations, a mysterious Dr...
...On that day the House Ethics Committee voted unanimously to charge Speaker Jim Wright with sixty-nine violations of House ethics rules...
...The gentlemen in question had been on a treasure hunt in Oklahoma when Mr...
...Authorities in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, have vowed that never again will an inmate of their state prison system be allowed to have cosmetic surgery on his/her private parts at government expense...
...Now what will the eminent Dr...
...And Dr...
...ambassador to the Bahamas...
...International Leather at the International Leather Pageant in downtown San Francisco...
...Michail Koplik, was arrested on charges of entering into sexual congress with a patient while she was anesthetized—the same impolite act that his twin brother pled guilty to four years ago...
...Will newsmen cease to be the chauffeurs of the citizenry's thrills and sweats...
...Debov went on: the body requires "daily vigilant observation" and is examined by a governmental commission every four or five years...
...In women's news, congratulations are in order for Miss Suzie Shepherd, 39, of Portland, Oregon, who was named Ms...
Vol. 22 • June 1989 • No. 6
