The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • November was exchanged for December without a hitch, unless one shared the hopes and hallucinations of Governor Michael S. Dukakis, a man wholly macerated by the sauces of...
...In Bloomington, Indiana, a disappointed 20-year-old coed reported that a male assailant fell on her during.the evening hours, made growling noises, and ran off with her left shoe without ever showing any interest whatsoever in intimacies...
...Edwin "Perdue" Roberts, the world's largest drug dealer, pled guilty to trafficking in cocaine...
...He weighs more than 700 pounds, but will be allowed to remain free on bond, it being U.S...
...Dean Scheu, director of the Sinai Chapels funeral home, his mortician's license...
...Peter W. Terpstra II that his "primary citizenship" was in Heaven and that he need not be licensed by the state under any circumstances...
...Miss Erika Schinegger of Austria returned her 1966 World Championship medal for women's downhill skiing after admitting that when she won it she was actually a male...
...Salvia Grimes Harper, smartly dressed and wearing a small hat, was plucked from a metal container in which she had secreted herself during a three-week voyage from Britain aboard a merchant ship...
...Lech Walesa, a more widely known Pole...
...Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher met with Prime Minister Mieczyslaw Rakowski in Poland and later with Mr...
...An apparent subscriber to the Nation turned up in Durban, South Africa, suffering the natural consequences one expects from prolonged exposure to that magazine's pernicious editorial positions...
...The seventy-first anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution was observed in Moscow with...
...Mr...
...Ars gratia artis—at the half-time revels of the Princeton-Harvard football game, the Princeton marching band formed a likeness of the Princeton tiger that is reported to have- been tattooed on Secretary of State George Shultz's spacious arse when he was young and gay and out of work...
...The Indiana Court of Appeals has struck down yet another citizen's attempt to drive a motor vehicle without vehicle registration or a driver's license because of his religious convictions...
...And in the San Francisco Chronicle, Mr...
...and so in the Senate the Democrats' margin grew to 55-45, while in the House of Representatives it was 262 to 173...
...The Commerce Department reported with aplomb that the nation's Index of Leading Economic Indicators fell onetenth of one percent in September...
...In Dayton, Ohio, the family of Mrs...
...Miss Christina Onassis passed away, and the kangaroo rat was put on the endangered species list of the U.S...
...In debate and on the campaign trail he demonstrated arrogance but no genuine pride...
...The Governor was the candidate from the National Education Association, and so on November 8 the citizenry preserved itself from more social engineering and onerous taxation by giving Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush 54 percent of the vote and 426 electoral votes to Dukakis's 112, making him the first President ever to have four names...
...Extensive Biblical study in 1986 convinced Mr...
...Instead, the klutz removed her perfectly healthy if semi-comatose roommate, and might very well have brought her to ruin had not a nursing home attendant discovered the mix-up and notified the funeral home before Mr...
...Harvey Milk, in decrying the Hostess Bakery for introducing a new Twinkie just before the tenth anniversary of Mr...
...and there is the possibility that the aide will seek a $100,000 sexual revision operation, all at state expense...
...He was indefatigable...
...Last spring the smart money was on the Democrats...
...To recreate [the grade of F] would have a terrible psychological impact on our students...
...Roberts is "unlikely to be able to flee...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS • November was exchanged for December without a hitch, unless one shared the hopes and hallucinations of Governor Michael S. Dukakis, a man wholly macerated by the sauces of New Age Liberalism...
...The clinically insane were given firm grounds for asserting the salubriousness of their way of life when the Guinness Book of World Records certified Mrs...
...Asked by authorities why she had stowed away, she replied, "Ask the FBI," and said no more...
...Rumor had it that they were duly booted and spurred for the forthcoming presidential campaign, armed with resolve and suave concepts...
...California's morons finally tasted justice when Federal District Judge Robert P. Aguilar struck down a state law limiting voters' time in the voting booth to ten minutes...
...But could one ever take what passes for a good Ph.D...
...Hence they ran Governor Dukakis of the great state of Massachusetts, home of Daniel Webster and the illustrious Adams family...
...In Albany, New York, State Banking Superintendent Jill Considine is attracting unenviable notoriety owing to a top male aide's insistence on wearing women's clothing at work...
...Herb Caen has joined Mr...
...He had no wit...
...One can take a good cab driver and transform him through patient study into a plausible Ph.D...
...Scheu was summoned last August to the Bridge View Nursing Home to remove the corpse of a 90-year-old woman who had expired the night before...
...Fish and Wildlife Service...
...In New Orleans, Mr...
...Andrei D. Sakharov began a two-week tour of the United States on the same day that Miss Grete Waitz won her ninth New York City Marathon...
...The dolt third is led by an English professor called Ronald A. Rebholz, a kind of demented Demosthenes who in the Faculty Senate sounds like this: "This is a very, very tricky psychological issue...
...Scott Smith, paramour of the late Mr...
...He had no sense of the country, past or present...
...but it is also the home state of such fruitcake salons as Harvard Law School and the Committee for Responsible Research...
...Antal Dorati, the internationally acclaimed conductor and champion of the works of Bela Bartek, died in Switzerland...
...Asserting that "the 10-minute limit is unreasonable given the size and complexity of today's ballot," the distinguished jurist cornplained that "a fundamental constitutional right [was] being denied to a large part of the California voting population...
...In Garden Grove, California, authorities are growing alarmed by an armed bandit who since mid-August has been knocking off local beauty salons, florists, and yogurt shops, forcing women employees and customers to remove their underwear, and then watch as the gunman masturbates...
...after all, on September 30 the economy passed through its seventy-second straight month of growth...
...He then makes off with the women's unmentionables and their money—rending the once finely woven moral fabric of once-proud Garden Grove...
...RET...
...He was intelligent...
...At Stanford it is precisely that proportion of the professoriat that opposes reinstatement of the "F" grade, which was banned from campus in 1969 so that campus morons might dwell more comfortably in their darkness...
...Milk's murder at the hands of a Twinkie-crazed assailant...
...Officials in progressive Xinfu, China, surprised students of Chinese medicine by cutting down a 17-year-old pine tree when they discovered that the liquid raining down from it was not a magical restorative capable of reviving health, as local peasants had theretofore believed, but the urine of millions of insects infesting its branches...
...White has spent 79 of her 114 years in hospitals and mental institutions, and no jogger or vegetarian approaches her colossal longevity...
...How much more proof do we need that the country is full of imbeciles, at least among the soi-disant educated...
...and turn him or her into a good cab driver...
...How large...
...But he was every inch the New Age Liberal...
...He is and always will be possessed of the nanny mentality, the kind of mind consumed with inflicting itself on others...
...District Court Judge Patrick E. Carr's judgment that Mr...
...Ethel Back has called in local hamrdous-materials investigators to examine how a mysterious substance is causing her furniture and clothing to decay...
...Now the court has held that Mr...
...No more would they obnubilate national issues by burning incense in honor of their weird demigods and bugaboos...
...Terpstra may not avoid vehicle registration by terming his pickup truck a "religious conveyance" and may be slammed in the hoosegow if he does not shape up...
...Unfortunately there were not enough Dukakises to represent the Democrats in the lesser races, most of which were decided on simple pork barrel...
...The admission ap8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR JANUARY 1989 peared in Mein Sieg Uber Mich (Victory Over Myself), Schinegger's absorbing autobiography, wherein it is noted that the poor Schinegger's male paraphernalia developed inside his body and was not discovered until doctors, curious about the high level of male hormones in Schinegger's saliva, decided to investigate...
...About one-third, if the faculty of Stanford University is reflective of the state's voting population...
...Governor Dukakis is a devout pilgrim to such shrines, and so he was mysteriously out of sympathy with the citizenry until in the last few days he aimed at the baser impulses: envy, jealousy, xenophobia...
...President Mikhail Gorbachev atop Lenin's tomb...
...Come, come...
...Former Attorney General John Mitchell died in Washington, eliciting encomia from Republicans and a curious silence from Democrats somewhat suggestive of shame...
...The country's acupuncturists could be next...
...Human rights advocates all around the world went on the alert after police in Jacksonville, Florida, shut down a popular car wash named "The Only Nude Car Wash in the Nation...
...In New York, the Bridge View Nursing Home was disciplined following an investigation by state health authorities into a depressing blunder that could cost Mr...
...Scheu returned to it with his unfortunate client...
...Carrie White of Palatka, Florida, as the world's oldest human being...
...Forty-three-year-old Mrs...
Vol. 22 • January 1989 • No. 1
