The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS •September is now behind us, phew! It was a very worrisome month for the editors of this journal of the arts. As concerned readers will note on the page opposite, the...
...Lieutenant General Yuri Churbanov, son-in-law of former Soviet leader Mr...
...At Vassar the administration, working through student "trusties," is not even going to allow conservative students to distribute the Vassar Spectator for fear that the publication will continue its campaign against anti-Semites on campus...
...Wilson like a piece of luggage and attempt to hurl him thither according to an elegant code of rules and customs reminiscent of Britain's Carlsberg Open croquet tournament...
...John Sasso returned to the Dukakis campaign, whereupon it was revealed that the Bush campaign had apparently been riddled with anti-Semites, members of the Rumanian Iron Guard, and the Very Rich...
...Terrence Young who has asked authorities in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, to release his two pit bulls rather than destroy them for their vicious attack on his 76-year-old mother...
...While in South Africa the Pope conferred with Foreign Minister Roelof F. Botha, and reiterated his belief that that government is beyond the Christian pale...
...Frazer consumed fifteen Moon Pies within the ten-minute limit to capture his revered title last year...
...this winter there will be more than 200, the largest number since the turn of the century...
...Gregory Vaughn, 33, was booked for fatally beating a referee who made a disputed call during a housing project basketball garne...
...Brezhnev's daughter, Galina, did not attend her husband's trial as she has been unwell since the government cut off her supply of chocolate desserts, causing her to lose two to three hundred pounds and much of her comeliness...
...Ibrahim Hassane, had to be rescued by police from a mob of irate fishermen who claimed that Dr...
...The thing will be handed over to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation, which will freeze it after Dr...
...Against objections from fellow Little People, Mr...
...Gorbachev's ban against selling firewater in grocery stores was being lifted to the jubilation of the citizenry, especially grocers who have to have something to sell...
...Paul Newman of Westport, Connecticut, announced the engagement of their daughter, Miss Clea Olivia Newman, to Mr...
...Hassane used his occult powers to reduce the size of their penises by two-thirds...
...We received numerous complaints," Mr...
...The government reported that the federal and state prison populations grew by 4 percent 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR NOVEMBER 1988 in the first six months of 1988 to a record total of 604,824 inmates...
...Early in the month the Soviet Union's chief cartographer, Mr...
...And in Abidjan, Ivory Coast, a traditional medicine man, Dr...
...It is the center of their art...
...Leary's happy dispatch and file it for further use, perhaps as a paper weight or a grinning doorstop...
...Secretary of Education William Bennett retired, ending the terror that has gripped the nation's schoolmarms ever since he hinted that literacy might be demanded of teachers as well as students...
...Six inches of hailstones the size of goose eggs pelted China's northern Hebei province, injuring more than 2,000 people...
...However, he denied that he had accepted bribes...
...On the other hand, many administrations are tightening restrictions against beer drinking, thus leaving many students with almost nothing to do except pay preposterously exorbitant tuitions...
...and Mrs...
...Ben Johnson had to return his Olympic gold medal, owing to the unnatural condition of his urine...
...In San Diego, California, Mr...
...The couple plan to marry in June unless more suitable arrangements can be made...
...Animal lovers all over the Republic are cheering Mr...
...Hassane from his would-be executors, they removed their pantaloons to prove to the incredulous gendarmes the pathetic condition of their organs...
...And Mr...
...College students returned to campus after being assured by many university administrations that they will not have to study tricky foreign languages or what the profs have dubbed The Great Books...
...The only useful maps available to Soviet citizens were products of the Central Intelligence Agency sold on the black market...
...In 1941 there were only sixteen of the deafening creatures still around...
...Samuel Tatnall of Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania...
...Field V of Lake Forest, Illinois, and Mrs...
...And in Gainesville, Florida, dwarf tossers will again compete at the Animal House bar thanks to the dedication of Mr...
...Leonid I. Brezhnev, appeared in a Soviet military court to plead guilty to charges that he abused his privileges at the Ministry of the Interior...
...The National Football League began its season...
...The rate of increase among female inmates was "far faster" than the male rate...
...As the police hustled Dr...
...Pravda reported that Mr...
...Meanwhile, down below Mikhail S. Gorbachev's good government despotism is showing signs of strain...
...The championship will be held October 8 at the same Oneonta sports complex where the 270-pound Mr...
...But in the end the Spyeditors subsided, dropped talk of libel, and returned to lunch—as with all socialites, Spyeditors approach lunch with the utmost seriousness...
...Governor Michael S. Dukakis also decried the Vice President's subtle "mudslinging...
...During his visit to southern Africa the Pope's airplane was forced by inclement weather to land in South Africa, a country he had intentionally nixed from his schedule...
...Timothy Leary's agent announced that the former Harvard professor and the long-time proponent of LSD has decided to have his head removed—twenty years after the fact...
...An exultant spokesman from the United States Fish and Wildlife Service reported in Albuquerque, New Mexico, that the world's whooping crane population is again reaching a dangerous level...
...There were demonstrations in Armenia, and from Moscow came word that the government would no longer attempt to suppress one of the deepest cultural yearnings of the Russian people, the yearning to buy ardent spirits at the grocery store...
...A 72-year-old Philadelphia physician, Dr...
...Alfred Sevilla, 23, was jugged for three years for dropping sixty-six ground nitroglycerin tablets into his grandmother's coffee...
...In sports news, the Olympics commenced...
...Viktor R. Yashchenko, acknowledged that for the past fifty years the Soviet Union has deliberately falsified all public maps of the country, omitting geographical features, dubbing in rivers here and there, misplacing streets, and so forth...
...Hassane claimed full responsibility but refused to reveal his technique much to the regret of the world's interested parties, for instance Planned Parenthood and the National Organization of Women's politburo...
...Then one of the politically "impartial" editors—the one who scowls above his wattle—called The American Spectator "crypto-Fascist," referring presumably to the thirty or so former associates now populating this Republican administration...
...Martin Spector, pleaded no contest to charges that he had sold stolen parts of human bodies to research laboratories...
...Rodney Frazer began training in earnest to defend his World Moon Pie-eating Championship in Oneonta, Alabama...
...In Los Angeles, California, Mr...
...The ruse was undertaken at the behest of the country's secret police, despite ceaseless remonstrances from the Soviet Union's equivalent of the Audubon Society, many of whose members had had bird watching expeditions turned into nightmares...
...David Wilson, who is a dwarf...
...The average Scholastic Aptitude Test scores dropped for the first time in eight years...
...In fine, college life appears to be increasingly depressing and still the National Institute of Mental Health refuses to speak out against it.—RET...
...As concerned readers will note on the page opposite, the hairy-chested editors of bold and outspoken Spy magazine menaced us with libel action for Philip Barry's testimonial to Spy in our September issue...
...The government-sponsored slaughter of Hutus in Burundi went into its second month, causing 60,000 to flee to nearby Rwanda...
...An advisory committee of the National Institute of Health concluded that research based on aborted fetal tissue is "acceptable...
...Then there were frightening telephone calls...
...Yashchenko admitted with a trace of a smile...
...Wilson is offering his person so that others might be entertained...
...Marshall Field VI, the son of Mr...
...Environmentalists, alarmed by the growing accumulation in space of what is called "space debris," gave a collective sigh of relief when a stalled Soviet spacecraft orbiting helplessly around the earth and with two incompetent astronauts aboard suddenly fired up just 48 hours before the oxygen would have run out, leaving these lamebrains to decompose above us in their smelly cockpit strewn with cigarette butts and empty vodka bottles...
...In Queens, New York, Mr...
...Steven James, 44, received a one-year term for mailing four douche bottles laced with poison to his ex-girlfriend—poisonous douche bottles having become a particularly worrisome problem in San Diego these days...
...Participants will grasp Mr...
Vol. 21 • November 1988 • No. 11
