The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS •February, and the Stock Market hit record highs. The government's index of leading economic indicators scored its largest gain in nearly four years, and a future Pulitzer...
...The bill was again met with spit balls and laughter, but Senator Vaughn is intrepid...
...Thitchener's other accomplishments include, according to UPI, a 1958 indecent exposure charge, a 1982 streaking incident in the presence of a corps of Livingston County, New York Brownies, and at least two drunk driving charges...
...Petersburg, Florida...
...Conrow was wearing a disposable diaper...
...In the Philippines the Aquino Administration celebrated its first anniversary with volleys of small arms fire...
...The Good News has been spreading ever since, and early in the month the Rev...
...His Lordship could also move to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where Dr...
...In Michigan, state senator Jackie Vaughn III, a Detroit Democrat, reintroduced legislation to require public schools to teach "peace and human kindness...
...Catholic church-goers began weeks of indoctrination into the economic imbecility and malice of their bishops when parish priests began obligato discourses on the bishops' pastoral harangue against capitalism, and in Lagos, Nigeria, beggars voted to reject small coins from alms-givers as a protest against the government's devaluation...
...Mikhail Gorbachev's Good Government campaign...
...Carrell's future jokes about ladies' unmentionables will presumably be directed at Great Britain's House of Lords...
...Jeania Denny was set upon by a pack of vicious sixth graders when she showed up at Center Elementary School costumed as a "Care Bear" and hoping to enhance the Valentine's Day spirit at her son's school...
...Casey, who for six years has presided over the rebuilding of his agency and been President Reagan's soundest source of advice for keeping the government adult, was unable to resume his duties after the removal of a cancerous brain tumor impaired his ability to communicate...
...To those who believe that there never can be another imbecile like this in the White House, I submit the corpus delicti of young Senator Biden...
...Australia's Prime Minister Bob Hawke, who in 1954 set a world beer-drinking record by washing two and a half pints of the bubbly stuff across his esophagus in 12 seconds, announced plans to become that country's first Labourite to serve three terms as prime minister...
...When arrested Mr...
...the British havehis Lordship's valuable limbs...
...In Peking, political reform continued as the official New China News Agency announced that 15 million rats (Rattus tuttus) had been exterminated in the capital alone...
...In Jackson, Mississippi, state representative Will Green Poindexter, a Democrat from Inverness, faces equally dim prospects for his bill to permit dwarfs to hunt deer with crossbows during archery season...
...His vow to leave what remains of his corpse, once various laboratories have picked over its functional parts, to London's Battersea Dogs' Home "to give the doggies a good meal" was rejected by Battersea's authorities...
...In London Lord Avebury continues to lead a national debate over the most beneficent way possible to dispose of his remains on that unhappy day when he breathes his last...
...all enlightened eminences sang praise of the wondrous device, which was first experimented with in the 1640s when an unknown Englishman rummaging through the bowels of a cow first noted the thinness of the animal's large intestine and how if duly sealed at one end it would prevent the exchange of bodily fluids during coitus...
...Carl 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR APRIL 1987 F. Thitchener, 54, of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Amherst, New York, distributed modern condoms during a church service while the Associated Press took pictures...
...In Beckley, heretofore adjudged one of West Virginia's most progressive communities, Mrs...
...Unfortunately, it has been responsible for cases of a sexual dysfunction known as "exaggerated erection...
...In our nation's capital Senator William Proxmire conferred his "Golden Fleece" award on the Agriculture Department's Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service (APHIS) when he discovered that APHIS director Mr...
...Perhaps this explains New York Governor Mario Cuomo's mysterious withdrawal from presidential contention on February 19.—RET THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR APRIL 1987 9...
...The government's index of leading economic indicators scored its largest gain in nearly four years, and a future Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist was arrested in St...
...The month brought mixed news for Miss Joan Rivers, the talk show host...
...All of which suggest that the time has come for developing a condom to cover one's entire body...
...Younger children merely "peeked into the eyeholes to see who was in there," Mrs...
...Martin Spector has been accused of obtaining and selling human body parts in violation of Philadelphia's public health code...
...agriculture...
...Christian though he is, Jimmy revealed that "It's hard for me to believe that one of those children [starving Africans], in the eyes of God, is as important as Amy...
...He now stands accused of having taken possibly as many as 1500 dirty diapers from porches after posing as a driver for the Di-Dee Diaper Service...
...Carrell's joke, however, elicited complaints of such heat from the Iranian galoots that the Bonn government has actually apologized, and all of Mr...
...Americans have their political tempests...
...Yuri Churbanov, the late Mr...
...sanctions against Poland were withdrawn as quietly as possible...
...Senator Sam Nunn warned that any attempt to reinterpret the ABM treaty would provoke "a constitutional crisis of profound dimensions...
...Finally it appears that former California Governor Edmund G. Brown, Jr., is preparing to join Senator Biden and Congressman Gephardt in the Democratic presidential race...
...A Federal Drug Administration report concluded that a new drug for treating baldness is safe and effective...
...The Rev...
...Or how about the Hon...
...Syrian forces moved against Beirut's warring militias, but not before the spiritual leader of the Shiite Hezbollah ruled that Palestinians besieged in refugee camps could without fear of sin eat human flesh so long as it was that of bombardment victims...
...Bert Hawkins had asked employees to compose an agency song "which will be sung on occasions both great and small . . . to remind us of the team spirit that guides us in our job of protecting U.S...
...Ronald E. Rump...
...February was, by tacit consent, condom month in the United States...
...Back in the United States, a 20-year-old student at Lawrence, Kansas's Haskell Indian Junior College was rushed to Lawrence Memorial Hospital after he injected himself with chicken soup and became hallucinatory...
...And in Washington, D.C., AIDS claimed the life of Mr...
...Michael Conrow, 33, was arrested after police said they had found 370 stolen diapers at his home...
...Andy Warhol also passed away after an unanticipated heart attack...
...He has been studying Zen Buddhism in Japan for five months and has developed "techniques of concentration" that allow him to speak in complete sentences, some of which have two coherent clauses...
...Rudi Carrell, putatively a comedian on Westdeutscher Rundfunk...
...Richard A. Gephardt, who on February 23 declared his intention to be elected President of the United States by declaring war against Japan and South Korea—in fine, what in earlier times was boomed as the "yellow peril...
...and all the natives wonder how long the furor can last...
...Denny informed local human relations authorities...
...In Moscow, Mr...
...Leonid Brezhnev's fat son-in-law, has been spirited away to the hoosegow, another proof of Mr...
...And this journal's 1979 recommendation that women's lingerie be sent to the sacred city of Qum to subvert the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini's numinous regime has apparently been picked up by the West German government working through Mr...
...In Washington, letters, memorandums, and official documents continue to leak to the press...
...An ugly incident in Beckley, West Virginia, has added fuel to civil rights leaders' apprehensions that intolerance is rising in the Republic...
...Mr...
...Robert Gates, heretofore the deputy director of CIA, was nominated to succeed the gallant William J. Casey...
...Another possibility would be to entomb him in the usual manner but to plant a tree above his grave which would "combine being biodegradable and the concept of a lasting memorial...
...Denny resisted, "fists started coming at me...
...Former President Jimmy Carter heaved up pungent memories of the fruit-cake nature of the regime the Reaganites replaced when he sang to a rapt audience at Rice Institute for Policy Analysis that "I try not to be a racist and wouldn't call myself a racist, but I have feelings that border on it . . ." Possibly the glassy-eyed Wonder Boy of New Age Liberalism thought the Rice Institute had invited him for self-analysis rather than policy analysis, but on the basis of his statement it appears that Jimmy really is a racist...
...Now the British peer has notified the London Standard that he could die confident that his remains would not be wasted if he were buried in the open sea where he might "enter the marine food chain...
...However, the sixth graders' advances were of a more personal nature, and when Mrs...
...A hint as to how bizarre American politicking has become was provided when Senator Joseph Biden, the boy senator from Delaware, notified Iowans of his aspirations for the Democratic presidential nomination and added, "I want you to know that I do do windows and I will carry groceries...
Vol. 20 • April 1987 • No. 4
