The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS *October slips by as so many Octobers have since this magazine was founded twenty years ago, and Margaret Thatcher greets us from No. 10 Downing Street: "I send you my warm...
...So maybe it was not such a great month for the loyal opposition after all...
...The hymnal committee of the United Methodist Church has confected two songs that refer to God as "Mother," one of which reads, "Strong mother God, working night and day/Planning all the wonders of creation/Setting each equation, genius 8 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR DECEMBER 1987 at play:/Hail and hosanna, strong mother God...
...A federal advisory jury rejected a suit brought against the federal government by Haitian males who claimed that their treatment in a Florida detention camp had caused their breasts to enlarge to the point that they might not have been allowed to be cheerleaders in pre-Enlightenment Huntington Beach...
...Oscar Arias Sanchez, president of Costa Rica, and The American Spectator lost two good friends with the deaths of Miss Clare Boothe Luce and Mr...
...Dave Barnes of Port Townsend Bay, Washington...
...David Niebur, a detective assigned to the case...
...Hoping to break up a narcotics ring, Italian police swooped down on Sicily's largest hospital, Citizen's Hospital in Palermo, and instead uncovered three of the oldest vices known to man: a private chicken farm in the cancer ward, a fig plantation in the intensive care unit, and dozens of unauthorized cats sauntering through hallways...
...Assistant Dean of Students Miss Narbeth Emmanuel described the distribution as a "very positive" and "constructive" "educational thing," because AIDS is "serious" and "complex...
...That is just 784 points above where the market stood on Jimmy Carter's last day in office...
...Meanwhile, Harper & Row publishes Orthodoxy, a 500-page, twenty-year anthology of pieces from The American Spectator, and just for the sake of balance H & R is also publishing Perestroika by Mikhail Gorbachev, the greatest Russian political philosopher since Peter the Great...
...Sarkes Tarzian...
...David Millar, the first man to appear in television advertisements for Marlboro cigarettes, died at 81 of emphysema, though he had not had a smoke in twenty years...
...Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to meet with President Reagan in December, and a twenty-seven-year-old frotteur on a New York subway was so badly mauled by his victim that he called in the cops to prevent further mayhem...
...On October 8 three Iranian patrol boats were destroyed by American helicopters in the Persian Gulf, and on October 19 U.S...
...The New York City Board of Education is distributing rubber gloves to city schools to protect teachers from contracting AIDS while undertaking their propaedeutic duties, and the University of Vermont's student newspaper inserted 5,000 condoms in its October 1 issue...
...On October 12 Vice President George Bush announced his candidacy for the presidency in Houston, Texas...
...The National Enquirer offers no further details about the cemetery's whereabouts...
...Kirk himself was no flyweight, weighing in at 350 pounds, but apparently all that beef had the consistency of angel food cake, and it was not prudent of him to tarry before the oncoming Mr...
...In sports news, that four-week-old National Football League strike wilted after team owners, ignoring the laments of their mesomorphic prima donnas, fielded substitute meathead hordes who proved that, though poorly trained, they could be equally soporific...
...This is a future that really works—and conservatives everywhere are in your debt...
...Alf Landon died, and Mrs...
...Nancy Reagan had surgery...
...In Jacksonville, Florida, Mr...
...But he now aspires to the shrimp title of three pounds in four minutes and eight seconds and the clam title of 424 little necks in eight minutes established back in 1975 by the legendary Mr...
...Pat Robertson declared his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination, and the New York City affiliate of the American Heart Association published the 1987 edition of its New York restaurant guide for hypochondriacs given to margarine, skim milk, abstinence from salt, and condom dispensers in every restroom...
...Nancy Reagan was again passed over when the Nobel Prize for Peace was awarded to Mr...
...A front-page story in the Des Moines Register reports that Democratic presidential candidate Rev...
...Douglas Ginsburg...
...DuPont passed away in January 1977, and Mr...
...Acie Huggins, Jr., founder of that Great Society gold mine, the now-defunct Huggins Youth Training Center, was jugged on charges of distributing marijuana and receiving stolen goods at his residence, now named the Huggins Youth Club...
...Brian Willson, who lost his legs during a September protest in front of a train at the Concord, California Naval Weapons Station, returned to demonstrate against American policy in Central America propped up on a metal walker and wearing a hard hat...
...Huggins and two teenage girls were packaging a bin of loose marijuana into neat little bags...
...And in Great Yarmouth, England, Mr...
...Bob Grant and a band of Vietnam Veterans with memories that stretch all the way back to that remote time when Hollywood actresses visited American POWs in their cells and subsequently described them as "hypocrites and cowards...
...Ernest E. Polston pleaded not guilty to charges that he removed the upper dental plate from the unwilling mouth of his girlfriend, Miss Teresa Swain, after hearing that she was seeing other men...
...Greene already holds the snail-swallowing title (220 in under three minutes) and the oyster title (288 in two minutes and forty-three seconds...
...It looked like kids were exchanging stolen goods for dope," noted Sgt...
...DuPont has spent almost every day sitting in the cemetery with her somewhere in Miami...
...Moreover, the government announced that September unemployment was at the lowest level in eight years, the September Consumer Price Index was up only 0.2 percent, and GNP for the third quarter was up a snappy 3.8 percent...
...Miss Jane Fonda cancelled a tour to promote her new videocassette after a fall from her bicycle, and Nabisco's plans to promote the tape on boxes of Shredded Wheat were thwarted by New York radio host Mr...
...10 Downing Street: "I send you my warm congratulations upon the Twentieth Anniversary of The American Spectator...
...Mary Jo Lane's dramatic departure from her wedding astride her groom's motorcycle ended abruptly and with contusions after her wedding gown became entangled in the cycle's wheels...
...In education news Miss Joyce Owens, a former DePaul University student accused of running a $150-an-hour call-girl ring from the school's Chicago campus, pled guilty to pandering charges...
...October was also the most joyous month for the loyal opposition in many a moon...
...King Kong Kirk (no relation to Russell), the wrestler, perished when his 336-pound opponent, Mr...
...Naval units destroyed two deadly Iranian oil rigs in retaliation for an Iranian missile attack on a reflagged tanker...
...Paul DuPont has been found sitting by the graveside of his deceased wife, Nena...
...It has been a beacon of transatlantic conservatism lighting the way to a better future of economic growth, freedom under law, and a strong, united West...
...Judge Bork was defeated in the Senate, and his calumniators sharpened their knives for his replacement, Mr...
...On October 13, thousands of homosexual activists marched on the Supreme Court in protest of its anti-buggery ruling...
...In Minneapolis, another 1970s messiah came a cropper when Mr...
...The Minnesota Twins won the World Series...
...The illustrious National Enquirer reported that Mr...
...Davidson filed charges against each other...
...Last year, Miss Guest's lawyer filed a $1-million lawsuit against the school district after a teacher, Miss Jean Clower, advised her that her gigantic bosom made it quite unthinkable for her to be a cheerleader and advised that she have her breasts surgically reduced if she hoped ever to see her toes again...
...Los Angeles was wobbled by the worst earthquake to afflict that city in sixteen years...
...The Rev...
...Jesse Jackson is pursuing the women's vote one skirt at a time and has been for years...
...Fred J. Benjamin, died at age 48, twenty-three years short of the average life expectancy for an American male...
...Tommy (Muskrat) Greene announced his intention to unify the world seafood-gulping title...
...Big Daddy...
...though all the cops know for sure is that Mr...
...In Rochester, New York, Mrs...
...Big Daddy, capered across the ring and landed atop him...
...Some Methodists laugh...
...The unidentified woman and Mr...
...There was a day when anyone on a college campus caught speaking such ghastly English would have been put to death...
...Robert Davidson so angered his victim that she began bashing his head against the pavement of the subway until the pitiable wretch called in the police for protective custody...
...In Los Angeles, California, the promises of the Founding Fathers were realized when the Huntington Beach Union School District changed its policy toward Miss Vicki Ann Guest and notified her that her breasts were not too large for her to be a high-school cheerleader...
...Manhattan's popular host of WNYMAM's health and fitness program, Dr...
...and as many as 600 were removed by police wearing rubber gloves...
...Then, mirabile dictu, on October 19 the stock market fell 508 points, closing at 1734...
...RET...
Vol. 20 • December 1987 • No. 12
