The Third World/Doomed
O'Rourke, P. J.
R O'Rourke/The Third World DOOMED Lately I've been spending some time in Latin America, the Middle East, Africa, and Asia, absorbing the exotic sights, loud sounds, and great big smells of the...
...All we have to do now is elect a few more Democrats...
...Have a Goodyear, " as the pro-ANC teenagers said to the necklaced police informer on New Year's Eve in Soweto...
...Koch will be, thank God, dead by then...
...Wild-eyed "Tutuist" Anglicans will riot in Anzania (formerly the Union of South Africa...
...the Labour party will be back in power, and Britain will be a colony of Jamaica...
...Many Americans, they'll point out, don't speak Spanish...
...Every law and unenacted bill since 1985 is available...
...But every time they do they'll find 80 or 100 refugee families living in the missile silos and all the weapons grade 50 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR DECEMBER 1987 plutonium stolen to make glow-in-thedark tourist knick-knacks...
...But liberals will still resist passing laws giving the United States an official language...
...Thus government and economic matters will be conducted at approximately the same level of maturity and sophistication they are now...
...They'll force people to play contract bridge at gunpoint and make unbelievers eat little sandwiches with the crusts cut off...
...On the bright side, mutations caused by the disappearance of the ozone layer and high levels of carbon monoxide in the atmosphere will result in new forms of wildlife such as fifty-foot boll weevils and mealy worms the size of Amtrak trains...
...The Indian subcontinent, much of Africa, and parts of the Mideast will give up on the whole idea of independence and plead for re-establishment of the British Empire...
...Insects will be given a seat at the U.N...
...And, for a very large number of them, that will be soon indeed because they're dying like flies out there in Upper Revolta and Absurdistan...
...In twenty years Third World military dictatorships will be headed by Webelo Scouts and the people who empty latrines on army bases...
...Jerry Rawlings or Liberia's Sgt...
...Laws are usually available long before the GPO has them available in hard copy...
...We're all hoping for one that kills only lawyers...
...But other Third World health problems will persist, malnutrition beingthe worst because there will never be quite enough of it to eliminate the other Third World diseases...
...Or semi-Malthusianism...
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...In the meantime, every Third World country including Fernando Po will have acquired the bomb...
...R O'Rourke/The Third World DOOMED Lately I've been spending some time in Latin America, the Middle East, Africa, and Asia, absorbing the exotic sights, loud sounds, and great big smells of the developing world and getting to know the special warmth and humor of its citizens...
...Nonetheless, a rough political stability will have been achieved in some places such as Lebanon, Afghanistan, Angola, Peru, and Sri Lanka where in-surgent, guerrilla, and terrorist groups will have multiplied until there is one for each living person...
...The Soviet Communist Party chief (probably Olga Korbut) will find herself broke, confused, embroiled in a thousand local tribal wars, and reduced to the same influence over international Marxism that Mayor Koch now has over New York...
...International currency will be the cow chip...
...Since most word processors can find strings of text, LAWS ON DISK can also be used to search for terms of interest...
...Colonels overthrow generals, majors overthrow colonels, and so forth until we get to Ghana's Flight Lt...
...But this will not cause economic dislocations since pollution by then will be such that all South American, Asian, and African rivers and most of their coastal waters will be flammable and may be burned as energy sources...
...There will be no more elephants, rhinos, or lions except in zoos (where most college-educated people will also be confined...
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...We are already well on our way...
...Zionism will still raise unaccountably powerful emotions in the Third World...
...And Third World values and aesthetics will also come to permeate the globe, causing a welcome respite from feminism and bringing spray paint to the fore as the principal medium of expression in literature and the arts...
...Due to this actuarial pro wrestling match between mortality and screwing like bunnies, average age in the Third World will drop precipitously...
...And there will be continuing terrorist attacks and protest incidents in the Israeli capital of Riyadh...
...As the entire world becomes lethargic, larcenous, mentally disconnected, and given to fits of violent rage, there won't be any need for drugs...
...Margaret Thatcher will be long out of office...
...Another effect of pollution will be that all Third World wildlife which hasn't been eaten will be dead...
...But to no avail...
...Usually, however, the corrupt and incompetent people the military shoots are military officers...
...Send to: 11111111111111111 MILLER LEGISLATIVE SERVICES THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR DECEMBER 1987 51...
...Of course, all under-developed countries will be military dictatorships...
...The resulting negative GNPs will be made up by World Bank loans—necessary in order to maintain low unemployment and inflation in the last of the remaining Western democracies (South Korea, Singapore, and Taiwan...
...where they will vote with the Communist Bloc on most issues, especially increasing farm subsidies in the U.S...
...We in the United States, the Soviet Union, and China will have given up our nuclear arms because they didn't go with our shoes and took up valuable space that could be used to build vacation condos...
...By 2007 many Third World business and political leaders will be under the age of five...
...After all, when you're living in hopeless poverty and filth and there's a political philosophy that offers you hopeless poverty andfilth, it only makes sense to go with the flow...
...This should go a long way to destroying the new, hip, glasnost Soviet Union...
...The Third World debt problem, however, will be solved at last as developing nations offer to "work off" their various loan defaults...
...But not before having been elected Secretary General of the U.N...
...Ideologically, Marxism will continue to make enormous inroads in underdeveloped countries...
...But in the next score of years the most dramatic single change in the Third World will be the United States becoming a part of it...
...ver the next two decades the military balance will shift dramatically in favor of the Third World...
...Many of our cities are indistinguishable, in large part, from Beirut...
...of 1985 Tax Reform Act of 1986 Age Discrimination in Employment Amends...
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...This and other factors will make illegal immigration a continuing problem...
...It does this by shooting all corrupt and incompetent people, which in Uganda, for instance, turned out to be everybody...
...Because the only thing that's going to exceed the astonishing, incredible Third World death rate will be its amazing, unbelievable, buglike rate of reproduction...
...In 2007 every Third World country will be a member of the Communist Bloc...
...Public-spirited types will form Malnutrition-Aid organizations to raise money to go take food away from the underdeveloped world's burgeoning mass of ignorant, crazy, and ungovernable AIDS-fodder...
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...The Third World will be out of oil in 2007...
...Twenty years from now all religion will be fundamentalist religion, even the Church of England...
...The military seems to be the only instituJ. O'Rourke is a frequent contributor to The American Spectator as well as to Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair, and other publications.tion capable of keeping order in these lands...
...The Third World nations will continue to gain influence in international organizations such as the Olympic Committee...
...The trend will continue...
...What with famine, war, genocide, sexually transmitted diseases, and generally dirty habits, we can expect the next twenty years to be a veritable festival of Malthusianism...
...But it will be too little, too late...
...Bizarre maladies will continue tospawn in the developing countries...
...The manners, dress, and grammar of our young people have a decidedly underdeveloped cast...
...On the financial front, most underdeveloped countries will have economies based on breaking things, losing things, and stealing...
...No woman will dare appear in the street without a small, stupid hat like Queen Di's...
...The entire country of Bolivia will come over to your house and do the lawn...
...Many speak Hindi and Urdu...
...This is why Third World military dictatorships tend to move, coup by coup, down through the ranks...
...Unfortunately they won't use their bombs on each other no matter how hard sensible people like ourselves argue for them to do so...
...They will use the bombs on us, or, at least, they'll try to...
...Please to come back Sahib English and snob us and get the Coca-Cola machine to work again," they will beg...
...A brilliant future awaits the Third World, a future filled with peace, prosperity, health, and happiness, a future which the people of the Third World will reach, urn . . . the moment they die and go to heaven...
...Another upbeat trend will be the gradual elimination of the international narcotics traffic...
...This is the main thing the next two decades will bring to the Third World—the same thing the last two decades brought—lots and lots of colorful death...
...Samuel K. Doe...
...And most of our intellectuals have belonged to "lesser breeds without the law" for ages...
...By the year 2007 something like 3 billion people will be added to the Earth's population, none of them in a place you'd care to have a second home...
...of 1986 Anti-Apartheid Act of 1986 Immigration Reform and Control Act of 1986 Water Quality Act of 1987 Surface Transportation Act of 1987 Competitive Equality Banking Act of 1987 Superfund Act Amendments of 1986 Balanced Budget Act Amendments of 1987 $325.00 $900.00 $ 25.00 $ 35.00 $ 90.00 $ 90.00 $135.00 $ 115.00 $175.00 $ 90.00 Please send me a free price quote on the following law(s) Please send me more information on your oth egislative monitoring, research and legislative history compilation...
...The Ayatollah Khomeini, however, will still be alive and serving as President of the World Council of Churches...
...As a result, a number of new sports will be added to Olympic competition—street begging, student rioting, and hostage murder (originally a demonstration event at the 1972 Olympics in Munich...
Vol. 20 • December 1987 • No. 12
