The Continuing Crisis
T H E C O N T I N U I N G C R I S I...
...According to these findings, the next mass extinction is only 14.7 million years away...
...Daniel Ortega, was instructed in the art of laying bricks by the gifted former President of the United States, Mr...
...According to Deputy State's Attorney Mr...
...The American man's, one would suspect, is the carnally-minded American woman...
...The infallible New York Post reports that George Shultz's new Secret Service code-name is "Mr...
...Steven Varvaris, an American businessman from Mississippi, was held without bail on an assault charge issuing from his refusal to extinguish a cigar on a TWA flight from Athens to New York...
...The senators vamoosed...
...Calling from the studio back in America...
...February witnessed one of the few truly absurd civil wars of all time, the mud wrestling match between President Ferdinand E. Marcos and Mrs...
...T H E C O N T I N U I N G C R I S I S...
...There the man who for a dozen years had protested on behalf of freedom received the full brunt of it: a mob of Orthodox rigorists confronted him shouting denunciations of Mormons and demanding that Shcharansky "speak up for the religion that you sacrificed yourself for...
...The family of the lovely Miss Geraldine Ferraro, heroine to American viragoes and wimps alike, sustained yet another contretemps when officials in Montpelier, Vermont, charged her 22-year-old son, Mr...
...The residence is largely staffed by hard-working Soviet citizens, every one of whom expressed amazement at the piano's misfortune...
...In Christian Britain Mr...
...Corazon C. Aquino, two buffoons in a snit...
...Some anti-terrorist experts predict still more violence at American embassies if our diplomats do not desist from scheduling such garish noise in other people's countries...
...Fights broke out...
...The Revolutionary Guards administered seventy lashes to each participant, and the owner of the house in which these diableries were committed had his electronic equipment and marbles confiscated...
...The assailants were armed not with hand guns or mortars but with rustic bows and arrows...
...Anatoly B. Shcharansky was released from the Gulag in exchange for five certified Soviet-bloc spies...
...Truth be known its injuries could have been inspired as much by aesthetic as by political considerations, for Mr...
...RET 4 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR APRIL 1986...
...Iran's Islamic equivalent of the Boy Scouts of America publicly flogged thirty-four people in Tehran for watching video movies, listening to taped music, and playing marbles at a party...
...Five days later, trials began for the alleged murderers of Grenada's last dictator...
...Shcharansky flew to Israel and made his way to the ancient Wailing Wall...
...What made the entire imbroglio all the more preposterous was the role played by American television, whose eminences treated it as made-for-television history...
...Jose Aceves, a student at the De Loux School of Cosmetology in Chula Vista, California, who was arrested when the local carabinieri found four grams of cocaine in his purse...
...with possession of and intent to traffic in cocaine...
...Andrei Sakharov...
...The FDA discovered listeria monocytogenes, an unwholesome bacteria, in two brands of brie, the fabulous French cheese that gives so many anxious New Age Liberals over to reveries of rive gauche nights and skinny painters wearing berets...
...Not even Hitler was given such an opportunity...
...Controversy continues in Baltimore, Maryland, over the identity of the mystery figure who, clad in black and trailing a white scarf, has for thirty-seven years left an opened bottle of cognac and three roses at the grave of Edgar Allen Poe on the occasion of Poe's birthday...
...Zaccaro was tending bar...
...Prayers continue to fill the campus chapel at Stanford University where all four presidents of the senior class have asked the Soviet...
...The National Rifle Association, our country's foremost opponent of gun control, took enormous satisfaction when robbers knocked off a Fairbanks, Alaska adult bookstore, the International Bookstore and Mini Theater, and absconded in snowmobiles...
...No one is quite sure how to identify the pest, though a solution does suggest itself in the following item...
...Feltsman had announced an all-Liszt program...
...Youweri Museveni, one of Uganda's top ballroom dancers, became the country's newest president...
...Of course, the indignity could have been worse: the cops could have found the stuff in his purse...
...Demonstrations were held before TV cameras, with breaks for ads during which one imagined the demonstrators relaxing, lighting cigarettes, and breaking into casual conversation with government troops...
...A particularly hilarious moment came during the February 23rd edition of "This Week with David Brinkley...
...John Quinn of Addison County, Vermont, young Zaccaro, a student at nearby Middlebury College, was nabbed in his off-campus apartment with eight grams of illicit powder, $1500, plus "electronic scales and other .. cocaine-related paraphernalia," after allegedly selling one-quarter of a gram of the idiotizing stuff to an undercover agent...
...But Marcos botched things to the very end...
...and Nicaragua's Marxist-Leninist strongman, Mr...
...embassies, and in Moscow ruffians of unknown origin destroyed the low E string in Ambassador Arthur Hartman's grand piano just hours before Mr...
...The discovery could be particularly auspicious for working gals, and the day may well be near when thousands of lady nine-to-fivers will be seen swaying along Madison Avenue balancing upon their heads elegant attache cases molded in the shape of banana bunches...
...The flu that felled former President Richard M. Nixon turned out to be the Russian variety, but before his old enemies could auspicate their har-hars they suffered a calamity of the first water...
...There were press conferences...
...Jimmy Carter, the unpardonable ass...
...Last year's winner was Jaycox Disposal...
...and, according to the New York Times, Shcharansky became alarmed...
...Karkidel Kader Sulaiman was sentenced to death for pursuing the scortatory arts with his housemaid whose name is even more absurd...
...On February 11, Soviet dissident Mr...
...In Dubai, United Arab Emirates, Mr...
...Base-ball's spring training camps opened, and the international sporting set fell into the mulligrubs when organizers in Bonn, West Germany were forced to cancel their "international dwarf-throwing" competitions owing to death threats from activist dwarfs...
...Vladimir Feltsman, the distinguished pianist and dissident, was to perform at the official residence...
...Finally, we now have proof attesting to the suave wisdom of George Jean Nathan's 1920s dictum that women's minds dwell more often on salacity than men's...
...Perhaps he will recall his own carefree college days, his love of poetry, his personal embarrassment upon discovering that KGB doctors were beating hell out of Dr...
...When arrested Mr...
...On February 25 he had all day to vamoose, and he could not even wait for prime time...
...According to scholars at Glamour magazine, the American woman's preeminent worry is sexually-transmitted diseases...
...The State Department announced stupendous plans for improving security at U.S...
...Potato Head...
...Sam Donaldson...
...President Reagan was accorded an exultant greeting in Grenada where one-fifth of the country gathered in the national cricket stadium to hear him denounce Nicaragua's Sandinistas...
...John (The Pharmacist) Zaccaro, Jr...
...Yet, draconian punishments are not unique to the lands of Islam...
...In Jefferson City, Missouri, trappers are lobbying their state legislators to preserve the leg-hold trap against the protests of reformers, one of whom, Miss Shirley Seiler, heaved a dead and stinking skunk into a Senate committee meeting to demonstrate some esoteric point of her credenda...
...Back at the studios the eminences just shook their heads...
...More-over, many New Age Liberals were scared out of their wits when scientists at the University of Chicago concluded after analyzing 9,250 extinct life forms that mass extinctions have swept the Earth every 26 million years for at least the last 250 million years...
...Union's number one citizen, Mr...
...That was the ignominy that befell Mr...
...The indispensable Refuse News reports that plans are going ahead in fragrant Anaheim, California for March's Seventh Annual Safety Refuse Rodeo, featuring competition for the "Best Looking Trash Truck...
...Would the reformers deny us these ancient American sporting weapons too...
...Designers of women's fashion and Pentagon planners both rejoiced when the British journal Nature reported that African women carrying loads upon their heads expend notably less energy than soldiers carrying similar loads in backpacks...
...Aceves was wearing a dress...
...Mikhail Gorbachev, to speak on cam-pus...
...By telephone hook-up a rebel general in his stronghold was being interviewed prior to battle—or so it seemed—when the world heard an impatient voice intervene, "General, this is Sam Donaldson...
Vol. 19 • April 1986 • No. 4
