The Continuing Crisis
The Continuing Crisis October fades into dusty memory, and with it the 99th Congress of the United States. And into history Mr. Tip O'Neill—Speaker of the House, steadfast guardian of the Eighth District...
...William Hollingsworth, the notorious "elbow-biter" of Lorain, Ohio, was apprehended after claiming his second victim, this time a woman who exposed her luscious funny bone to Mr...
...In other news from the clan, Mr...
...According to acquaintances, Mr...
...Darrell Lafon's "Grease and Go Fast-lube" in downtown Des Moines, Iowa, saw a gratifying increase in business when Mr...
...Why, with her white skin, she looks like a witch...
...Carter's performance at Wendy's salad bar, October was a banner month for vegetables...
...In Athens, surgeons removed a 4.4 pound hairball from the stomach of Mrs...
...The state legislature of New Jersey passed a resolution naming the tomato that state's official vegetable, despite strong support for two close runnersup— the delicious cucumber and Prof...
...Who once warned the public that there "is evil in the [Reagan] White House," that "it's sinful that this man is president...
...According to testimony at the trial, Mr...
...When Mr...
...In Pahute Mesa, Nevada, Prof...
...One eyewitness said that "the visit created total chaos," which will come as no surprise to anyone who has heard Jimmy drink a milkshake through a straw...
...In Washington, alas, recollection seldom reaches beyond last Sunday's Post...
...Lee Jack Eric Jacques, 21, of Redondo Beach, California, was arrested for fondling Miss Minnie Mouse, 59, during a heated pas de deux on the dance floor of the Disneyland disco...
...Jeffrey Wells, manager of that city's widely appreciated Free Expression Dance Team, stood trial for "indecently assaulting" Miss Penelope Martin, one of his more promising danseurs...
...Isn't this the Tip who once said of Ronald Reagan, "He has no concern, no regard, no care for the little man of America...
...In London, Mr...
...A dim note of dissonance marred the great man's leave-taking...
...Bijani hopes to litter successfully...
...A.F...
...Customs officials in Baltimore impounded 84,755 "witch's hats" from Tkiwan...
...Argevitch picked up extra cash and much fame—*'The Tonight Show," "I've Got a Secret," the works—by his singular willingness to stuff his mouth with several lit cigars and kitchen utensils while whistling "When the Saints Go Marching In...
...Argevitch had been in decline since reaching a personal best of seventeen cigars in 1982...
...In fact the Speaker was an innovative polemicist, and among his colleagues his method has become the order of the day: any debate of public policy must begin and end with an inquiry into the opponent's moral life, and always the opponent must be judged wanting...
...Among juniors, the sixteen-year-old Miss Michele Gangnes, of Talent, Oregon, unearthed a ninety-pound gourd nurtured under her care...
...Wells invited Miss Martin to his Gloucester Road flat and "forced her to watch an episode of the television series 'Dynasty' while she was topless...
...Carl Sagan was arrested for trespassing...
...Not counting Mr...
...At Disneyland, Mr...
...I leave with no rancor in my heart for anybody...
...Kenneth, has at an alarming rate been losing celebrity clients—among them Jacqueline Onassis and Pat Buckley—to a rival hairstylist...
...Progressive Sweden at last reached the furthest frontier of egalitarianism with the arrest by Stockholm police of an unnamed woman on charges of rape, and in Rome thirty-three Brazilian transvestites reacted kittenishly to their arrest by beating five Italian cops senseless and destroying the Villa Glori stationhouse's television set...
...For reasons never fully explained...
...Spector apparently found it more convenient to deal with the whole package...
...The San Francisco Chronicle went the Post one better by quoting Mrs...
...Jimmy Carter showed he hasn't lost the common touch when he walked into a Wendy's restaurant in northern Michigan and, according to wire reports, "ordered a hamburger, salad and a milkshake, paid the $3.20 tab and sat down to eat...
...Her mother told reporters that the decision caused her daughter to think "that her body was wrong," a gross misapprehension that could easily be corrected by a few hours on the day shift at the "Grease and Go...
...Rosalynn Carter to the effect that this tonsorial experiment doesn't quite work from an aesthetic point of view, or, more specifically, that "it looks as if she put black shoe poHsh on her head...
...Hollingsworth was fined $100 and sentenced to ten days in the Lorain hoosegow...
...Finally, in Santa Clara, California, Miss Vicki Ann Guest, a senior at Fountain Valley High School, filed suit against her school district when she was told she could not join the school's cheerleading squad "because her breasts were too large...
...Lafon hired two topless women to clean his customers' windows while he lubes their undercarriages...
...He's cold, he's mean, he's got ice water for blood...
...From Manhattan comes news that the famous hair designer, Mr...
...Ken Aycliffe announced that he had nursed a fledgling carrot to the length of 118 inches, not including the fuzzy little green part on the top, in a drain-pipe in Talgarth, Wales...
...George F. Kennan, now being kept at Princeton's Institute for Advanced Study...
...Kobra Bijani, who is pregnant...
...Although he is technically an ear, nose, and throat man, Dr...
...Dan Rather, the clarion voice of the CBS Evening News, was approached by two well-dressed gentlemen who asked him the direct if slightly cryptic question, "Kenneth, what is the frequency...
...Hours before a scheduled twentykiloton nuclear test, the turtle-necked sage was found "vigiUng" within the danger zone at the test site, whereupon he was quickly hauled away by police, who obviously didn't think things through...
...Supply-side thinking has finally taken root in West Germany, where unionized prostitutes complained that excessive government regulation invades their privacy and cuts into profit margins...
...Miss Guest is asking for damages of $1 million, or $500,000 per...
...Through its tears the Washington Establishment picked up the theme: its spokesman, Mr...
...The coy M. Frangois Mitterrand declared that he might seek another term as Premier of France in 1988, and then again he might not...
...The Soviet Union's first "All-Union Break Dance Festival" was held in Estonia, and an unidentified dump truck released 500 gallons of lard onto Beverlywood Street in Los Angeles...
...At the age of 71 Mr...
...Now what is Amy supposed to do for headgear...
...And Miss Bobbie Cherelle was crowned Miss Lima Bean at a vegetative saturnalia in Cape May, New Jersey, whereupon she announced, "I want to bridge the gap between people and the lima bean...
...A justifiably proud Mr...
...Erik Estrada, the actor, revealed to a horror-stricken writer from People magazine that he wears around his neck a glass locket containing his daughter's umbilical cord, which may explain why he hasn't appeared on television for several years...
...President Reagan hurriedly packed his bags at the beginning of the month and traveled to Iceland, whence he returned three days later more puzzled than before...
...And on Manhattan's famed Park Avenue, Mr...
...George Will, announced that "partisanship without rancor" had always marked Tip's performances...
...Rather pretended ignorance his two interlocutors pretended he was a soccer ball...
...In his defense, Mr...
...The Taiwanese government announced in Taipei that it was lifting martial law after a brief but enjoyable thirty-seven years...
...Who once decided that the President could hardly wait to send young American men to die in Central America...
...Wells said he found the show "trivial and boring," his own attempts to spice it up notwithstanding...
...Ibrahim Shademan told United Press International that the operation was essential if Mrs...
...With characteristic languor the entertainment industry noted the passing of Mr, Candido Jacuzzi, whose invention forty years ago of the soporific device that bears his name rendered the casting couch obsolete...
...In Stockholm, vandals did unspecified damage to the grave of the martyred Olof Palme, and the infallible New York Post reported that Miss Amy Carter has dyed her hair and eyebrows black...
...The talented Gancarz brothers, Robert and Edward, of Jacobstown, New Jersey, wowed the gardening world by growing a 671-pound pumpkin and a 595-pound squash, respectively...
...If this be civility let rancor rule, now that Tip is gone...
...Simon Argevitch, a lady's shoe salesman from Oakland, California, passed away...
...How many clients and at precisely what rate they are defecting remains unreported, probably because no journalist has yet worked up the nerve to ask, "Kenneth, what is the frequency...
...Tip O'Neill—Speaker of the House, steadfast guardian of the Eighth District of Massachusetts—passes as well...
...I love this body," the Speaker said in his valedictory, referring not to his own massive architecture but to the House of Representatives...
...Hollingsworth as she was making a call at a phone booth...
...Martin Spector of Philadelphia was charged with stealing five human heads in violation of the law, not to mention good taste...
Vol. 19 • December 1986 • No. 12
