The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS • April was a pleasant enough month. The weather was unseasonably mild, and baseball season began. All that dampened a growing sense of festival was the sudden and seemingly...
...Gorbachev's pronunciamentoes against corruption his response was, roughly translated, "Ha and ha, ha...
...It is all too, too ghastly for the elites to bear...
...And America has two new media heroes, Mrs...
...Officer Cibella Borges was reinstated on the New York City police force with $70,000 back pay after the Appellate Division of the state Supreme Court decided that the 27-year-old cutie could not be barred from the force merely because pictures of her sex organs had appeared in a men's magazine...
...Cox, according to pathologists in London where he lived his last sodden years, died of "water intoxication...
...Ted Turner announced his intention to buy CBS, but wait until they hear that Mr...
...Holder, all fun and games or squirrelly overreaction...
...Moreover, it is clear that they are raising to the level of folk hero some of the most tedious people in the Republic and some of the fattest...
...Senator Edward Kennedy has lost twenty pounds, and according to the Boston Herald is down to a skeletal 230...
...On CBS, he was everywhere, commemorating the tenth anniversary of the Vietnam war as though the war had been a soap opera...
...In Disneyland he would be waylaid and tortured by the juvenile clientele...
...And Mrs...
...Now she abjures all her earlier accusations and is practically on a first-name basis with every talk show host in the country...
...Cathleen Crowell Webb and Mr...
...Gorbachev who upon the burial of his predecessor Konstantin Chernenko developed the "working funeral," and now comes word that the bald, pear-shaped, Kennedyesque Russian is stamping out corruption and introducing the visionary profit motive, first propounded by Dr...
...The erstwhile editor of Policy Review, formerly with London's Daily Telegraph and now a columnist with the Times, keeps a vigilant eye on the American media from his position as editorial page editor of the infamous Rupert Murdoch's New York Post] • Mr...
...America's elites continue their unwholesome preoccupation with poverty, bringing unnecessary gloom to their every humanitarian day, ruining the brie and spoiling the chablis...
...Mark Daniels, explained that he had taken the wheel because his companion was even more squiffed than he, but the polizia booked him anyway...
...Finally, the unscotchable Miss Amy Carter was arrested at an anti-apartheid demonstration at the South African embassy after declaring, "I'm proud to be my father's daughter...
...Madalyn Murray O'Hair's 15th Annual Atheists Convention on Easter weekend was enlivened by the appearance of her God-fearing son, William, who scandalized mom by holding a "God and Country" rally on that very weekend...
...Another New Age prophet has turned toes up...
...Yet the 27-year-old fishmonger's winsome insouciance could be pure affectation intended to divert us from his darker side, for he now admits to having murdered his two roommates after one complained of unseemly odors issuing from his person...
...Administrators at the University of California, San Diego are being forced by court order to extend the same rights and privileges to the conservative/libertarian California Review as to other university groups such as the Nude Kite Flyers Club and the Homosexual Vegetarians' Commune...
...This time it is Mr...
...And there is evidence of insubordination...
...Woody Allen...
...When their food stamps have run out for the month, many have no way to pay for the opsomanias save by shedding all honor and idle hours and entering the capitalistic work force...
...There he would stand unctuously crooning from Hanoi, from Saigon, from empty boondock fields...
...In White Plains, New York, Mr...
...Dot-son now languishes in an Illinois calaboose, owing to Mrs...
...And while on the matter of squirrels, the squirrels across from the White House in Lafayette Park began purloining unguarded peacenik pamphlets after the Park Service cleared the park of a winter's accumulation of leaves...
...The aforementioned were charged with no wrong, but now along with fretting publicly over the indispensable poor they are going to have to think about how to shelter their lush incomes...
...The noble poor often make do with only one color television set...
...The media's moguls came down with acute anxiety when Mr...
...and those national magazines that want to illustrate the disease's degenerative effects will only have to feature photographs of Walter's grave and vacant mug...
...Mikhail Gorbachev's Soviet Union continues to glow in the news with reports of stupendous innovations...
...Walter Cronkite on American television, despite his solemn oaths about retiring...
...If researchers ever agree on all the relevant signs and symptoms, plus its pathology, they must not flinch from calling it Cronkite's Disease...
...Would Mr...
...The Italian Communist party elected its first pederast to the Party hierarchy, and the lucky chap will head the Party's youth federation...
...Always he would spread his characteristic potion of one part fact, two parts obliviousness, three parts balderdash, and the rest insufferable piety...
...Edward A. Markowitz will no longer be peddling his tax shelters to such friends of humanity as Mr...
...Which is it, Mr...
...Bills for their marathon telephone calls to sisters across the street are bleeding them white...
...Charles Neuffer announced that yet another collection of the works of one of America's greatest defunct poets, J. Gordon Coogler, will be published in limited edition this fall...
...Marx in the last year of his life and placed in a sealed envelope, not to be opened until the second coming of Halley's Comet...
...have some advice...
...The driver, Mr...
...Naturally the peaceniks are siding with the squirrels, and they now make vespertime sorties into the suburbs to assure ample supplies of leaves for their new friends...
...And then they often have to share their legal aid lawyers, sex therapists, and other government quacks with dozens of decidedly disagreeable imbeciles...
...And now comes word that Mr...
...Richard Cox, the advocate of health through prolonged ingestion of water...
...Webb's 1977 testimony that he raped her...
...The poor of America have the highest standard of living of any poor population in the world and rarely work, nonetheless theoretical conceptions of their plight haunt our apolaustic days...
...Outside of Televisionland it is hard to believe that such a person could exist...
...T. Boone Pickens, Jr...
...Yet there is evidence that Mr...
...On NBC, he was seen asseverating quite irrelevantly that Jimmy Carter was "the best brain I've known sitting in the White House," notwithstanding clear evidence that the country would have been better off had the brain been kept in a jar in the basement...
...Fighting among Shi'ite Moslems, Sunni Moslems, and Druse members of the Progressive Socialist party brought down the Lebanese government of Prime Minister Rashid Karami, and the government of Ronald Reagan was not all that secure either when at month's end it was announced that our Ron would lay a wreath in a German cemetery wherein members of the Waffen SS are interred...
...Gary Dotson...
...Gorbachev may have, as the phrase has it, peaked...
...Doubtless, it has not been easy...
...In Wavre, Belgium, Miss Jeanine Deckers, the "Singing Nun" who achieved worldwide renown 20 years ago with her hit "Dominique," committed suicide...
...Now there you have it, the most difficult decision a government makes will henceforth be made by holding a nationwide town hall meeting...
...On April 8 an aide to the Soviet Union's United Nations mission was nabbed for using a slug in a subway turnstile, and when reminded by a New York City official of Mr...
...Dick Cavett, Miss Erica Jong, and Mr...
...It is only a matter of time before she comes out with a line of designer sheets...
...All that dampened a growing sense of festival was the sudden and seemingly ubiquitous reappearance of Mr...
...With his ruling, announced late in the month, against public tippling he may have gone too far...
...They were but three of the humanitarians named as his clients when Mr...
...Coogler Revisited can be ordered by sending $12 before June 15 to Professor Neuffer at 4532 Meadowood Road, Columbia, South Carolina 29206...
...John O'Sullivan has assured himself of a new Liberty of London tie every month by taking over our "Presswatch" column...
...RET...
...Markowitz pled guilty on April 25 to charges that his shelters were bogus...
...At the conclusion of his Vietnam war ceremonial, he solemnly faced the cameras, adumbrated conflict in the world, and suggested that future hostilities could be avoided "if no war can be considered without the consensus of the American people and Government...
...In a maternity ward he might be mugged...
...Russell Holder claimed that he did it "for the fun of it...
...What tax shelters does Mother Theresa employ...
...In Chesapeake, Virginia, a blind man was arrested for driving his girlfriend's vehicle while under the influence of alcohol...
...Energetic Americans in recent years have introduced the idea of the "working lunch" and the "working breakfast," but it is the Soviet Union's Mr...
Vol. 18 • June 1985 • No. 6
