The Continuing Crisis

...Always they drive out clear thought and repress free expression...

...The Hon...

...When he encounters a pediculous derelict taunting pedestrians from atop a favorite mail box, the New Age Liberal blubbers that here truly is a representative of "the homeless...

...Art and intelligence are bound to suffer under their suzerainty...

...His Excellency Archbishop John Roach, former president of the National Conference of Catholic Bishops, nabbed in Lindstrom, Minnesota last month for drunken driving, pleaded guilty on March 25 and was sentenced to 30 days in jail, only 38 hours of which will actually be spent in the calaboose...

...This has shown your great authority among the working people,' Mr...

...AIDS and herpes may not be the only maladies coincident with the sexual revolution...

...Miss Ellen Malmquest, a student at the University of Colorado, was arrested after police said she fed six live puppies to a neighbor's caged mountain lion, jaguar, and bobcat because she had not anticipated such a large litter and because she was "into the food chain thing...

...THE CONTINUING CRISIS •March is a ghost, and Spring is upon us...

...From Moscow comes word that a Soviet icebreaker cut a 12-mile channel into a frozen strait, releasing hundreds of trapped white whales and luring them to the open sea by playing the music of Ludwig van Beethoven...

...Miss Margarita Delos Santos was arrested by Atlantic City police who believe that the 21-year-old sylph is actually "the kissing bandit" whose ill-bestowed kisses have mysteriously stupefied Atlantic City gamblers (all from Greensboro, North Carolina), allowing her to make off with their valuables...

...And the third annual Finley Slug Festival in progressive Finley, Washington went off without a hitch...

...Mrs...

...Their America is a land of sentimental saps where Kurt Vonnegut is Shakespeare, and Andy Warhol is a sought-after Michelangelo Buonarotti...

...Their lives are led much the way the New Age Liberals would have us live ours...

...Then, too, perhaps it is time for reformers to revise their criticism of the nine-to-five grind and of life in Ronald Reagan's suburbia...

...Of course, with equal exactitude one can designate many of these wretches "the shiftless," "the witless," "the lawless," "the toothless," "the bootless," and "the soapless...

...This is the America of the New Age Liberal, a stegosaurus whose time perceptibly passes, as did the Victorian's...

...The state of Maine may be creating a Venus right in the Maine State Prison...

...Several melodies were tried out," Sot-sialisticheskaya Industriya reports, "and it turned out that classical music was to the taste of these Arctic belugas...

...At any rate, the story may not be all that momentous, for the raccoon may have been dead...

...Theodore Hesburgh lent support to a long-standing belief of the editor of this journal when he declared nuclear war "the worst sin since creation...

...We are pleased to be able to tell you in the Kuibyshev voting district you were elected unanimously...

...In the unctuous bibble-babble that we have come to expect from such frauds, His Excellency swelled and glowed, becoming a moral colossus, an exemplar: "I feel a special responsibility now, having had to face my own flawedness, to invite everyone, especially young people, to join me in promising God, that with his help, we will never again risk the consequences of drinking and driving...

...Through it all, his poor body was exposed to numerous injections and other ghastly therapies prized by the Soviet quacks...

...Jerry Mesdagh has been fined for throwing his daughter's ringette coach into a pile of garbage...

...Paul Kelly has won Australia's first dwarf-throwing contest by heaving Mr...

...Downey's affection for New Age desiderata is legendary...

...A Silver Spring, Maryland man underwent rabies treatment after reporting to his doctors that he had made love to a raccoon...

...Wherever these idiot fussbudgets still hold sway-in backward universities, in publishing houses, in broadcast studios-they play schoolmarm to the innocent, and sometimes they play God...

...I am sure any district would have elected you, but I am happy that it happened here in Kuibyshev district.'" Ten days later he croaked, or as a memorable headline in the Martinsville, Indiana Reporter put it: "HELL'S POPULATION UP BY ONE...

...Mikhail S. Gorbachev is his unenviable successor...

...Show the Victorian a pair of gentlemen's trousers, and he terms them "inexpressibles"--the naughty thoughts multiplying and undulating through his fevered coco...

...And in our nation's capital Congressman Thomas Downey is insisting he is not a wimp...

...Elaine Evans, who shattered the thunder mug at Maryland's Washington County Hospital, is suing the manufacturer for $550,000...

...In political terms, there are now two Americas...

...Nonetheless, despite this wholesome regimen, let us note that many of "the homeless" look decidedly unwell and occasionally even unhappy...

...Woodhouse was wise in scrupling against the outdoors...

...How that story will go over with animal rights activists remains purely speculative, for none has yet opined whether bestiality is an invasion of a raccoon's privacy or a long overdue admission of equality among the species...

...Finally, one more report from the New Age...

...Chernenko slumped in an armchair at an oval table, his bouquet beside him, as Viktor V. Grishin, the Moscow city leader and a fellow Politburo member, congratulated him...

...Is Bach another of our surrogate gods, or did his heirs recently hire a very able P.R...

...In sport, Mr...

...Bach's 3OOth birthday was celebrated very solemnly on March 21, causing cynics to wonder why the hoopla...

...Dornan meant it as a compliment...

...The charge was made by Congressman Robert Dornan at this year's Conservative Action Conference, but it could be the Hon...

...Few luxuries stoke the fires of bourgeois greed...

...agent...

...That is the ruling of Justice Donald Alexander, and what about Samantha's tummy tucks and mud packs...

...The other shivers with sentimentalists who have grown positively squeamish about life...

...As time grinds on what will the next session's mania be...

...Instead life is led remote from materialism and hustle-bustle...

...Their days are spent in the great outdoors, roosting in the sunshine, inhaling lots of fresh air, and always pausing for that requisite nap-even on sidewalks...

...Show the New Age Liberal a paraplegic and he speaks of "the differently-abled...

...Now, as if the homeless do not get sufficient exercise already, the New York Road Runners in association with that great city's Human Resources Administration has opened a "running and fitness program for the homeless...

...but the New Age Liberal cringes from such frankness...

...A report in the March 1 New York Times eloquently bespeaks his last travail: "Konstantin U. Chernenko was shown on television today for the second time in five days in a carefully staged appearance in which he looked exhausted, unsteady on his feet and short of breath...

...Actually, there is a timely lesson to learn from the yclept homeless...

...Grishin said...

...Possibly the late Miss Jane Austen's Mr...

...In Carberry, Manitoba, Mr...

...Come suppertime only nutritiously approved meals are consumed, doled out by highly trained do-gooders, and at a common table-very much like Brook Farm...

...Robbie Randall, a regulation-size four-footer, nine feet-one inch...

...The Hapsburgs liked it too, comrades...

...Blah, blah, blah . . . - RET...

...In a speech before the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations, the Rev...

...Like the Victorian, the New Age Liberal squirms when confronted by raw life and rough reality...

...The horrible suffering of Soviet first secretary Konstantin U. Chernenko ended mercifully on March 10...

...One is populated with sturdy Yanks who accept life...

...In Maine Miss Samantha Glen-ner, a biological male whose sex-change treatments were disrupted when he was jugged for allegedly slaying a 51-year-old woman, will either have these important treatments continued at state expense while awaiting trial or be released...

...The next camera shot showed Mr...

...Not only was creation a terrible sin, but I have argued that it was also a very bad joke...

...Apparently the gentleman under treat-hient is of an unreliable cast of mind-another of the homeless whom the New Age Liberals would turn into Aristotles and Goethes...

...To him a sodomite is a gay, and the broad jump had to be called the long jump...

...Baroque music in America is about as widely revered as the boogie-woogie...

...For months the comrades had been dragging this unhappy man from his bed, propping him in front of television cameras, or forcing him to meet the disagreeable and often quite smelly foreign dignitaries who come to the Kremlin seeking the tools of Marxist-Leninist politique...

...Police theorize that the bandit secretes in her talented mouth a knock-out drug, which she squirts upon her prey's outstretched muzzle...