The Continuing Crisis

...I THE CONTINUING ing which Representative Harry Reid (D-Nev) nearly lost his life when Mr Vito D'Antoni crashed through the ceilIng of a hotel room where the Hon Reid was eating his way through a fund-raising breakfast Mr Antoni's fall began from the ledge of a hotel room twenty-three floors up, and whether he was pushed or leaped remains a mystery, for Mr Antoni cannot be reached for comment even by lines to the Denty are so clear The congressional race perpetrated in Cahfornla's fourteenth district was even more stirring There the Democrats put up a candidate hounded by cranial "voices " The candidate, Miss Ruth Carlson, won her chance to campaign for Republican Norman Shumway's seat by beating two other Democrats in the June primary, but those "voices" would not relent even during debates when, according to the redoubtable Los ficult for the New Age Liberal to hear the questions "I think they're trying to kill me," she declared during one debate...

...most of whom have shown that, magazine who dream volupt dreams o though they repine for personal hber- baboon amour Soon this noble ap( ty, personal liberty ns precisely what would be on the endangered list they cannot endure, not for themselves oThe Krumlands, Gerald and An, nor for anyone else Good riddance v Costa, are back in San Francisco, An, *Those who scruple over mixing Costa having given birth to a nine religion and politics pointed to India pound boy in a Leningrad Hotel a s , where Prime Minister Indira Gandhi gesture of international goodwill "I fell victim to religious hostilities, but was a time of extreme tension betweel did they notice the campaign outburst the United States and the Sovle of the Rev Andy Young who late m the Union," explained Gerald speaking o race declared that black supporters of his decision to have the Krumlands the President were millionaires who "are probably going to hell ''9 The historically minded will find his judgbaby born in the land with the hlghes infant mortality rate of all industrial lzed countries "We felt compelled t( ment in the October 27 New York make some personal gesture of peac( Ttmes, unaccompanied by any and love" The couple is "not par reproach from the likes of Mr Norman Lear or Herblock In North Carolina Mrs Margle Velma Bar field, the tlcularly political," though they llv( intensely--he a Lutheran, she a "strlc~ Catholic," their marriage was before rabbi, and their honeymoon was at MarIn County Zen Center In York England, a $125 fine was levied agalnsl Mr Larry O'Dowd who, upon being told to move along by the police, hac turned and addressed the officer's Ger man shepherd with a "meow" that th~ officer adjudged "abusive, threatening and Insulting " Consequently the COl: bashed him and sent him off to th~ hoosegow oIn religious news, the sacred govern ment of Iran celebrated the fifth an niversary of its takeover of th~ American embassy by declaring thc United States a "demonic creature,' murderess who laced her husband's beer with rat poison and also killed her mother, was executed She is the first homicidal woman executed in the United States in 22 years, and she joins a lengthening line of scoundrels who have exited the planet via such excellent public conveyances as gas chambers and electric chairs In lit news Miss Vanessa Wllhams has agreed to write her memoirs for St Martin's Press, and in art news Miss Claudia Buchanan won first prize at The World's Largest Pork Barbecue Festival in Kewane~ I1hnols Her masterwork, "Pork-Bones Sculpture," stands four feet high and is practically odorless oA potentially dangerous international incident that began at Shannon Aarport in Ireland when a young Russian entered the duty-free shop asking for "protection" was averted when Irish immigration officials who were whisklng him away ascertained that his goal was not freedom but condoms England's AnLrnal Liberation Front admitted that its claim of having injected Mars Bars with rat poison was a hoax intended to protest the Mars Candy Company's experiments on sugarinduced tooth decay in laboratory monkeys Ammal nghts rmhtants in the despite Walter Mondale's repeated campaign claim that ours is the "mosl rehglous nation on earth " A man made heart was placed in the body o! an Indiana man, though any ldlo| knows that in Loma Linda, California, there is a baboon in far greater need o! the thing And what about that pooz turkey nn Louisville, Kentucky~ There a group of eighth-graders aroused the wrath of the Kentucky Humane Socie ty Ammal Rescue League by reenactm~ the Thanksgiving-day dinner ot pioneers With forty students watching, thirteen-year-old Mr Robin Ham led the turkey, Mr Willy Wally, into the school yard and beheaded him with an ax Louisville's candy counters will be off limits for years United States also rose up on their hind legs when they learned that doctors in Loma Linda, California, had transplanted the heart of a baboon inTHE AMERICAN SPECTATOR JANUARY 1985...

...They might want to do it publicly I don't know But I call them lunatics myself" When asked her thoughts on a local dam she startled the assembled candidates and reporters alike by shouting, "Shoo Shoo They're trying to blank my mind They want to get me into court, where I'll spend a lot of money" On the national debt she was equally eloquent "Shoo Well, I have a lot of good ideas Shoo" It is a response both presidential candidates could have resorted to *November is over as is the bragging, the solemnizing of pish posh, the honeyfoghng of journalists and dolts Walter Mondale says he will never run again How will he spend his sunshine years 9 Possibly he will become a Roman Catholic bishop He IS sanctimonious enough He is economically illiterate enough And he is pampered enough He has hardly earned a nickel In the private sector, has been the blithe recnplent o f one of those American bishops whose eleemosynary and public funds for years, and could not tell you the cost of a working-man's six pack, but h e - - like the bishops--is convinced that life for the poor is a DickensIan nightmare, created by fat cats earning vast incomes of as much as thirty and forty thousand dollars a year Moreover, during the late election he turned every potential economic discussion into an inquiry into his opponent's moral life *Five days after the electorate buried him in a stupendous landslide the Angeles Times, they made it very difAmerican bishops presented the first draft of their pastoral letter on economics, demonstrating once again that the modern Roman Catholic Church's pastoral letters are left-wing Democratic politics by other means At least Bishop Mondale has been honorable enough to admit his politics and promise not to run again The holy bishops will not submit their campaIgn to the same democratic discipline nor to logic nor to economic analysis Hence we shall be exposed to their unctuous sophistries for years to come, but they will be exposed to our guffaws *November 6 concluded a commendably charming campaign season dur- oThe cisatlantlc friends of Svetlana Stalin and those in Europe too were given much to rejoice over when she lit out for her Soviet homeland She was the Soviet Union's first feminist, and over here she was a woman's hbber of the first canto While in her nnfamous father's house she grumbled In the United States she grumbled One of her suitors, Mr Brljesh Singh--an Indian and probably a pacifist--expired during their engagement Her next, the American architect Mr William Wesley Peters, was not so fortunate and marned her Naturally they were divorced, and she took her heaving bosom to Princeton, New Jersey From there she went to Cambridge, England, thence to chill Russia where she will be locked 4 --RE7 CRISIS securely away until the KGB finds to a sLxteen-day-old girl The operaUon proper occasions to put her bilious could touch off a veritable stamped, disposition on display It is a fitting on baboon organs, particularly by port ending for her and for all feminists, stars and subscribers to Playbo...