Among the Intellectualoids/The Writer's Art
Bawer, Bruce
AMONG THE INTELLECTUALOIDS THE WRITER'S ART by Bruce Bawer Every writer gets stuck once in a while. Some fill the time by sharpening pencils, alphabetizing anti-depressants in the medicine...
...So the editors tossed out most of the fiction market listings...
...There's a new edition every year, but I still use my dog-eared 1983 copy, which (according to the boast on its glossy cover) contains the names and addresses of "4,000 places to sell your short stories, articles, books, poetry, novels, plays, fiction, scripts, fillers, gags, and photos...
...Or from Connie Emerson, who in WMs keynote piece explains how "to get maximum mileage from your campaign to get published...
...If I didn't know any better, I'd say Emily wrote this line after a long afternoon of thumbing through her WM...
...Then there is the "ambiguously portentous" magazine type: Orphic Lute, Pteranodon, Alura, Runestone, Tendril, Xanadu...
...Just in case there's anybody out there who's got a poetry mag in the works here are some good ones which, so far as I know, are not yet taken: Podesta, Mitrailleuse, Ilex, Hyrax, Giaour...
...in another book, called Fiction Writer's Market, which happens to be published by Writer's Digest Books...
...a kind of oak...
...Publication," wrote Emily Dickinson, "is the auction of the Mind of Man...
...But, as Connie Emerson might say, these gems are only the tip of the iceberg...
...WM also lists syndicates, agents, contests, greeting card publishers, advertising outfits interested in freelance copywriters, and cartoonists who are in the market for "top-quality gags...
...WM, you see, is completely free of prejudice...
...Comedy routines, by the way, net a lot more on average than political speeches, so if you've got any political speeches in your files, you might want to think about turning them into comedy routines...
...First there is the "cute" type: Happiness Holding Tank, Beatniks from Outer Space, Brussels Sprouts, Sparrow Poverty Pamphlets, and Up Against the Wall, Mother...
...From P.K...
...Adventures in Poetry wants "Only poems that help people live better and happier lives...
...They did not forget the fictioneer, however...
...a song, $30...
...Image Magazine has a ban on Elvis poetry...
...No doubt any writer could pick up a few tips from WMs writers-in-residence...
...Un-dinal Songs wants articles detailing "a necrophiliac experience that you would care to share with readers...
...species of ungulate mammal...
...But WM doesn't just have market listings...
...My old 1983 volume is crammed with all sorts of other stuff...
...There is also a list of standard prices for arcane writing services∔this is where you turn to find out how much to charge for an audio cassette script, a direct-mail catalogue, a comedy routine, or a political speech...
...a Bruce Bawer writes on writers and fiction for the New Criterion...
...Isn't that nice...
...Some fill the time by sharpening pencils, alphabetizing anti-depressants in the medicine cabinet, memorizing the cracks in the ceiling...
...I haven't taken advantage of any of WMs fine offers, but I'm sure they're very worthwhile, particularly the manuscript criticism...
...The best way to make up this sort of title, I imagine, is to look through Webster's till you find a word you never heard of...
...It's fun just to read through the titles...
...Send them a poem and they'll give you their opinion for $20...
...At the beginning of the short section devoted to fiction markets, the editors tell us that additional markets for stories may be found...
...My favorite section for this purpose is the poetry magazine section...
...Schemenaur, Emerson, and company are to be admired not only for their artistry but for their open-mindedness...
...Drug Survival News is a magazine "for everyone interested in recreational drug use and abuse...
...and a non-Muslim...
...No, I keep the thing around for browsing...
...Naturally, with all this information packed into the '83 volume, something had to be dropped from the WM...
...There's also a couple of pages about the Writer's Digest School, which offers correspondence courses in Short Story Writing and Article Writing...
...Schemenaur, for one, who tells us in his introduction (he's the editor) that WM is aimed at the writer who is "ready to spring his word-ly talents on the media...
...See, you are probably a giaour yourself and didn't even know it...
...Quarry Magazine says "No non-literary fiction" (the type with huge-breasted female characters...
...Every writer has a Writer's Market...
...Of course, nowadays the problem with most song lyrics is that they aren't bad enough...
...Somehow you get the feeling that the staffers at these publications don't go to the office in three-piece suits...
...You just pay $355 and a professional writer will "critique" two samples of your work...
...There's a subscription blank for Writer's Digest magazine, and a short article describing the other books published by Writer's Digest Books (e.g., How to Be a Successful Housewife/Writer by Elaine Fantle Shimberg...
...a book, $125 and up...
...48 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR ` NOVEMBER 1985...
...Actually, I don't use my WM to look up markets, and I don't think many professional writers would...
...Sometimes the most interesting thing is not what a magazine wants but what it doesn't want...
...a type of machine gun...
...This is not to be confused with the Writer's Digest Criticism Service, which also has a page or two in WM '83...
...Who could do without such a marvel...
...It's published by Writer's Digest Books, and it's absolutely indispensable...
...Poetry magazine titles come in two types...
...Me, I thumb through my WM...
...They mean, respectively, a medieval Italian magistrate...
...Soldier of Fortune is for "professional adventurers" whose adventures involve the use of firearms...
...any market that offers a buck is welcomed in...
...And Ark River Review doesn't want anything derivative: "Your work should demonstrate to us that you know what has gone on in literature in the last fifty years, and that you're working toward something better," which isn't too much to ask...
...Gent wants short stories which "contain a huge-breasted female character...
Vol. 18 • November 1985 • No. 11
