The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS April 2 to May 8 and the debonaire Ron leaps from triumph to triumph. Meanwhile his long-time moral and intellectual superiors on the Left continue to thrash and to gurgle....
...King's fat six-figure yearly income, earned during their years of bliss, and part ownership in Mrs...
...Just days before the Cubs' season opener Mr...
...Little Sun is a direct descendant of Chief Crazy Horse, and upon his nineteenth birthday he will become chief of the Sioux Indians...
...Fish and Wildlife Service hatchery, and if Mr...
...and finally, from Sacramento, Cali fornia, comes word that, though California is reluctant to force immigrants to adopt English, it has no qualms about forcing them to adopt our dietary habits...
...Miss Carpenter was honored for three colossal stories, one of which accused Mr...
...It was a grand month, but it left the Falstaff of the House of Representatives, the Hon...
...And from Cuba comes word that the high-spirited Cuban Communist party has held its first annual Humor and Militant Drawing Contest in the recently renamed city of San Antonio de Humor...
...On May 3, twenty to twenty-five thousand of those indomitable peace marchers who eventually were so instrumental in bringing peace to Vietnam marched in Washington to protest budget cuts, nuclear energy, the heterosexual tyranny, American policy toward El Salvador, and the growing militarization of American life...
...And in Chicago, Illinois, a Circuit Court jury awarded $6.5 million in damages to a Highland Park, Illinois woman who entered the hospital in 1975 for a simple nose job and left a quadriplegic, owing to brain damage suffered during the operation...
...Billie Jean King...
...and in Berne, Indiana, Mr...
...Somehow even many of his Democrats grew impatient...
...How about a Pulitzer for the most gossipy unidentified source...
...Morris...
...This splendid piece of service to the community quotes only the most unimpeachable unidentified sources, which suggests yet another fine award that the Pulitzer Prize Committee might give...
...The Soviet military was given still more to worry about when China's official Xinhua news agency reported that authorities in central China's Hubei Province have unveiled a "wonder toddler," a three-year-old boy weighing 89 pounds who consumes two pounds of food per day...
...According to the plaintiff's lawyer: "She has a beautiful nose, and that's about the only beautiful thing left.'' On April 5, Signore Mario Morreti, the notorious military leader of Italy's Red Brigades, was arrested by the Carabinieri in Milan...
...And Arab apprehensions over the extent of Zionist control of American institutions received awesome substantiation when it was revealed that Mr...
...Finally the honor able gentleman threw in the towel, and the roar that had been American political liberalism fell into a funk...
...Lee Iacocca...
...Timothy Curran, a UCLA homosexual protesting that California's Mount Diablo Council of the Boy Scouts will not allow him to disport with the boys...
...Mr...
...Christoph Redigerdrowned in one of Berne's famed manure pits...
...Unfortunately, the Cubs snubbed Mr...
...King's Malibu beach house - assuming a proper judge can be ferreted out...
...Virginia Starks, soundly sozzled themselves with 7-Up and whiskey which they had secreted in their purses, and brought final jury deliberations to such a pother that the judge had to end the debauch...
...Superior Court judge was forced to declare a mistrial in a rape case...
...In Rockville, Maryland, high-school teacher Cyril Lang has been brought to justice by the Montgomery County Board of Education for reading the lubricious Aristotle and-still worse-Machiavelli to his tenth-grade English class...
...Juanita Ross and Mrs...
...Somehow his grumbles were not picked up...
...Unfortunately, the fellows had stolen the fish from the U.S...
...In a bill passed by the California Senate, Southeast Asian immigrants are urged to respect the "cultural difference" of their new home and refrain from eating their pets...
...Tip O'Neill, in a rumpled heap, and very dyspeptic at that...
...Little Sun Bordeaux is Jewish...
...The name of Perry Jay Goldberg will be long remembered in the Chicago Cubs' front office...
...Some of us like breasts and curved hips, Dr...
...RET...
...Moscow's "singing burglar" has been caught singing in a Moscow flat where his escape during a nocturnal expedition was delayed by the sight of his victim's piano...
...Russell O. Christie and Mr...
...Allard Lowenstein, deceased, of homosexuality and preying on associates in the civil rights movement, one of whom murdered Lowenstein...
...In England, where fanatical teetotalers heated up by the triumphs of feminists and other forces inimical to civilized life are making their most violent assault against spirituous beverages in years, Dr...
...Goldberg died leaving but one request, to wit: that his cremated remains be spread over Wrigley Field, possibly as turf builder...
...In Los Angeles, Miss Marilyn Barnett announced that she gave up a prodigious career in hairdressing back in 1972 to become the lesbian lover and "cleaning person" to Mrs...
...On April 28, the ninety-ninth day of his administration and the thirtieth day since the assassination attempt, President Reagan strode into the Capitol and before a joint session of Congress asserted that it was "time we tried something new...
...The fish were part of a $1 million attempt to save squawfish from extinction, and as the fellows stole mostly females, the squawfish is somewhat in the same position as Mr...
...Jeffrey A. Brown of Las Vegas, who had a $32,000 repast on four Colorado River squaw-fish valued at $8,000 apiece...
...Instead the Committee handed it over to Miss Teresa Carpenter of the venerable Village Voice...
...According to him, males who indulge beyond the sissy limits he establishes will develop breasts, curved hips, and diminished sex drives...
...Little Sun on a free trip to Israel where he will be fed bagels and will powwow with bearded rabbis...
...The horror of rape was driven home to millions of heretofore obtuse Americans when a Washington, D.C...
...Craig Clairborne, resident gourmet for the New York Times, has had his famous $4,000 meal surpassed by two heretofore little celebrated gourmets, Mr...
...The jurors, Mrs...
...Clairborne is going to experience their meal he will have to act fast...
...It is the most dramatic break with federal policy since the New Deal, and when the President was done crooning to the assembled Solons and Numas he had personally given it a head of steam that continued to build through the month until Republicans and conservative Democrats set it sailing through both Houses...
...He was in the middle of a capitalist aria when nabbed...
...Abbie Hoffman, the American moralist, was sentenced to three years in prison for selling $36,000 worth of cocaine to an undercover agent in 1973...
...Moreover, El Al Airlines is sending Mr...
...Goldberg's request and duly lost twelve of their first thirteen games...
...The merry saturnalia featured the work of 260 "clean" humorists, political cartoonists, and militant artists seeking "apart from laughter and smiles, to call men to the fight, to solidarity or to reflection...
...Grumbling about poverty and travail, two matters that he has not personally experienced since arriving at the trough years ago, the corpulent old bamboozler issued tired warnings against the President's budget and urged instead that we continue the liberal flimflam of taking money out of our right pockets, putting it into our left pockets, and telling ourselves that we have created more for everyone...
...The illustrious Pulitzer Prize Committee rescued the good name of American journalism by withdrawing its Prize from the dastardly Miss Janet Cooke, whose fraudulent story proved too untenable even for the Pulitzer Committee...
...Well, what's wrong with that...
...Two days later Mr...
...The Republic wobbles on, polylingual but with a single humane diet...
...What he had in mind was his 1982 budget calling for an end to the government's proclivity to gorge itself and to gouge its subjects...
...Two female jurors blew up under the stress of the testimony and took to drink...
...The Boy Scouts of America are being sued by Mr...
...It is a rather surprising scene...
...In Saginaw, Michigan, a seventyfour-year-old woman, Miss Ottilie Asman, showed that sisterhood is indeed powerful when she stomped her eighty-three-year-old brother Ernest to death during a rhubarb over a bowl of not very interesting soup...
...Evidence of the latter was amply provided when two "white haired" matrons were detained at California's Mather Air Force Base, after they eluded security forces and rolled their orange sedan up to one of four B-52s parked on the "alert line" of the 320th Bomb Wing of the Strategic Air Command...
...She desires half of Mrs...
...The unusual arrangement lasted for seven years, and now Miss Barnett is suffering her good name to the high and perilous seas of notoriety so that she may win the right of palimony not only for heterosexuals but also for the sexually offbeat...
...On a happier note, in California the Berkeley Board of Education will require highschool students to take instruction in draft dodging...
...Anthony Morris has heaved up a new bugaboo...
Vol. 14 • June 1981 • No. 6
