Spectator's Journal
SPECTATOR'S JOURNAL The Sixth Borough On June 21, 1980, the New York Times actually carried a report that a Soviet delegation of nebulous purpose had toured the South Bronx where it was appalled at...
...Neebles: Right, chief...
...wall and the wolves are closing in...
...Contrariwise, if he never got to go anyplace, we can give him a dozen or so for having studied the mores of his hometown...
...As the scene opens, Thimblerig is thumbing through a ledger, alternately grunting and wheezing in dismay...
...Let's see now, we'll call it the "Thimblerig Higher Education Plan for Relevant Living...
...Since it was my idea in the first place, couldn't we call it the Neebles-Thimblerig plan...
...credits for geography, credits for sociology, etc...
...His only known characteristics are a fawning servility towards his superiors and an intolerable arrogance towards everyone else...
...A thin, dyspeptic man, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Don Knotts...
...What next...
...in short order, Spanish Harlem, downtown Detroit, Watts and the more disadvantaged areas of Miami, Newark, and Washington, D.C...
...Neebles: Gee, A.J...
...September 21, 1980-After a spirited unilateral debate, the Politburo approves the aid package...
...Neebles: Well, there was something I saw in the papers the other day, probably just a wild shot, but . . . Thimblerig: Get to it, man, what are you thinking of...
...The mayor rehires 25,000 teachers, who promptly go on strike demanding retroactive benefits...
...This along with a number of other off-campus "educational experiences" is expected to reduce significantly the number of "formal" courses students will have to endure, and similar developments are also afoot in other colleges...
...Now look, Neebles, why don't you round up some of those loafers in your office and write this whole thing up...
...June 11, 1981-New York City, having divested itself of the burdensome South Bronx, makes a startling fiscal recovery...
...Another year like this and Putney is going to do an en foldo...
...We ought to be able to cut the faculty in half, by Christ, maybe two-thirds, (chuckling) Oh boy, how those babies'11 scream-and the ones we let stay will be happy to take the pay cuts I've got planned for them...
...Nonetheless, he is punished by being forced to collect every sponge in the city of Minsk...
...Later that day-Grulovoff, in a statement released by Pravda, disavows his latest criticism and confirms the wisdom and "beneficence" of the action...
...Why, this hallowed institution . . . (as Neebles' eyes begin to glaze, Thimblerig launches into the same speech he has given at nine consecutive commencements...
...Thimblerig: Let's face it, Neebles, we've got our backs to the...
...We can get rid of all those crummy books in the library too, and . . . Neebles (excitedly): And cover the walls with Global "Plasti-Classic...
...Neebles (who follows all too clearly, rises and heads for the door): Right, A.J., the Thimblerig plan it is...
...But why not give them all the credits for a degree right off the bat...
...Finally, the two superpowers agree to a summit bar-beque on Long Island and the tension is defused...
...fall under the Soviet orbit, forming a second Communist bloc and a rival professional basketball circuit...
...Vladimir Grulovoff, a Nobel Prize-winning dissident, decries the move, claiming the funds could be better used to create jobs and bolster the sagging Soviet economy...
...Neebles: Er, something wrong, A.J...
...Neebles: Don't you see, A.J...
...Tass claims they are there only to protect the advisers and will be withdrawn as soon as they can decipher the New York subway map...
...October 5, 1980-American hawks declare the Soviet aid to be the first step in a master plan to establish a satellite in New York City...
...which collapsed after plunging heavily into the imitation-book wallpaper line evinced in Thimblerig's office...
...We've got to come up with something and fast...
...However, New York's American League entry, renamed the Collective and stocked with Cuban talent, pulls out to a 5 Vi -game lead...
...While making no pretense of being comprehensive, the following playlet suggests a few possibilities...
...SPECTATOR'S JOURNAL The Sixth Borough On June 21, 1980, the New York Times actually carried a report that a Soviet delegation of nebulous purpose had toured the South Bronx where it was appalled at the desolation...
...April 10, 1981-A decision is made to partition the South Bronx, with the Russians gaining most of it...
...April 29, 1981-Baseball attendance plummets as fans and players alike resent having to show passports enroute to Yankee Stadium...
...The walls, which appear to be book-lined, in fact are covered with a kind of plastic wallpaper, stamped to resemble the backs of leather-bound volumes...
...Neebles: There's this school in Connecticut, I forget its name, but it seems they're going to start giving out credits to the kids for just about anything and...
...It goes without saying that many students will enthusiastically approve of the institution of such programs, but what of the administrators who devise them...
...Robert J. Maddox...
...We'll get their dough for practically nothing...
...The only prerequisite, presumably, would be that the applicant would have to show proof of having been alive since birth...
...Thimblerig (dangerously): I was just thinking, Neebles, we'll probably be able to dump a lot of administrators too...
...Once the trustees go for it, and they will if they know what's good for them (glances unconsciously at the wall safe which contains documents incriminating more than half the board in the Global mess), by Christ, I'll be famous...
...That way we'll get their dough and never even have to see them...
...Credits for eating . . . call it "dietary planning" or something, credits for sleeping . . . "Intermediate Dreaming," and . . . Thimblerig: I think you've hit it...
...Seated behind an immense mahogany desk is a portly, scowling A.J...
...September 20, 1980-the Bronx files a formal request for aid from the USSR...
...Thimblerig (eyes narrowing): Careful there, Neebles, it sounds to me as though you're suggesting we lower the standards here at Putney...
...The names of the individuals and institution, needless to say, are fictional: Scene: The president's office of Putney University, a middling-size institution of no distinction located somewhere in New England...
...God knows there must be plenty of the stuff moldering in warehouses . . . er, sorry A.J., it just slipped out...
...This signalled the beginning of the decline of Russian influence in urban America...
...clears his throat nervously), or how about the Thimblerig-Neebles plan...
...Thimblerig: Get to the point...
...If we collect full tuition but then give the kids batches of credits for having finished high school, or for working during the summer, or...
...Following N.Y.'s successful example, the U.S...
...Across the desk sits Herbert Neebles, Dean of Affairs...
...James Gerard The New School of Hard Knocks Some time ago a state university announced that its students would henceforth be eligible to receive up to 15 credits for having studied in what one administrator called "the school of hard knocks...
...For a few days, the world holds its breath and turns blue as it teeters on the brink of nuclear cataclysm...
...Yes, that'll do fine...
...August 18, 1984-At a city council meeting, Bronx Borough President Vasily Vasilevich announces that the increasing incidence of looting, arson, welfare fraud, and other "counter-revolutionary" activities has forced the USSR to withdraw from the area...
...A spokesman for the borough said the borough plans to request over $5 billion in aid from the Russians, through the auspices of the nonprofit Soviet Peace Congress...
...I think you know what I have in mind...
...February 22, 1981-Claiming a need to oversee the most efficient distribution of funds, the Soviets announce they are sending "advisers" to the South Bronx...
...And this has deeper implications, Neebles, though I wouldn't expect a man of your limitations to see them...
...Vasilevich cites several instances of mugging, looting, and drug-peddling at his diplomatic quarters, and complains of exhaustion due to the continuous blaring of "salsa" music under his window every night...
...March 17, 1981-Americans are shocked to learn that 100,000 Russian troops posing as Hispanic refugees have entered New York harbors and consolidated their hold on the South Bronx...
...January 25, 1981-After an extensive exploration of Soviet foreign aid policy and three months as honored guests of the Soviet Central Committee, the congressmen assert there is no reason to suspect any "malevolent intent" behind the Soviet funding...
...A number of motives might be adduced to explain their behavior...
...Do you follow me...
...agrees to lease the Soviets our most troublesome ghet-toes...
...Ed Koch refuses to be intimidated and personally threatens to confront the "law-breaking hooligans...
...This brief story was relegated to the back section of the Saturday paper and the news went largely unnoticed...
...Thimblerig, president of Putney U. and former head of Global Plastics Co...
...Say a kid takes a trip somewhere...
...After computing postage and handling, the total, earmarked for economic revitalization and balancing of graft deficits, comes to $6.3 billion...
...Thimblerig (warming to the idea): I get it...
...As the general election nears, the president forms an emergency congressional task force to study the aims of the "donation" and its possible implications for superpower relations...
...April 1, 1981-The United States responds to this "invasion" by rushing several divisions of National Guard troops, augmented by several dozen transit officers, uptown on the Sixth Avenue Express...
...What's in it for us...
Vol. 14 • March 1981 • No. 3
