Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS January 9 to February 5, and there is no doubt that already Ronald Reagan has done some good. He has brought dignity to realms where there recently had been mawkishness and...
...It was an absurd ending for this tiresome proponent of New Age claptrap, and he made it all the more absurd when he roused himself from his anti-materialist reveries to file a $5.6 million lawsuit against the Portland Trailblazers...
...But if he did, I would do it...
...This year's choice is again the late Adolph Hitler, an infidel whose knowledge of the Koran was limited to but a few somewhat banal aphorisms about the eupeptic value of goat cheese...
...Richard Kelly (R...
...In Bloomington, Indiana, Mrs...
...In international news, a Rio De Janeiro wedding broke into chaos when a pregnant woman stepped to the altar of Our Lady of Aparecide Church at the culmination of Mr...
...It must be admitted, though, that they displayed this dignity only after being goaded by his press secretary and issued a manual on the fundamentals of courtesy...
...Diane Riordan entered the hospital complaining of an indisposition, only to be informed that she was in the final states of an undetected pregnancy...
...Whales-whom Canadian researcher Dr...
...On January 21 Jimmy flew off to greet them in Germany, and there was no way they could get away from him, though some did stay in their rooms...
...By the end of the affair a perceptible sense of embarrassment seemed to sink into the broadcast journalists, who, of course, had been most idiotic, and Senator Edward Kennedy and his wife Joan announced their intention to get a divorce...
...Tony Daly, his orthopedic surgeon, simply declared his body beyond the therapies of medical science...
...On January 20 Ronald Reagan was sworn in as the fortieth President of the United States, and our 52 hostages were promptly released...
...Carlos Iglesias is suing the Marion County Sheriffs Department for releasing him from the hoosegow during inclement weather...
...Leon Spinks, formerly the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, was found buck naked and crestfallen in a Detroit hotel...
...who became the sixth U.S...
...According to a placard worn around his neck, Mr...
...The hostages returned to the United States on January 25, setting off a wave of frenzy that suggested some sort of dementia had settled upon the members of our media, most of whom did not seem to know if they were celebrating VE day or an Irish wake for a fallen house pet...
...John Ford described this month as "not all that smart" despite their "big brains"-are about to get a fitting spokesman, none other than Walter Cronkite...
...Cyrus Vance ducked and listened for air-raid sirens on January 29 when Alexander Haig's State Department denied Soviet Ambassador Anatoly Dobrynin access to the Department's underground garage...
...District Judge Joseph Young upheld his expulsion from the Naval Academy for the role he played in the Academy's first recorded sex orgy...
...When we called Mr...
...and despite our government's laborious efforts toward a sexually integrated military, women were grossly underrepresented, there being present four Midshipmen and only one Midshipperson, Miss Mary Lamble, 21...
...Love in Bancroft Hall on a home movie camera, the debauch took place on November 22...
...In Washington, D.C., it was reported that former presidential candidate John Anderson will teach a course at Stanford University...
...Filme H by Mr...
...Upon his retirement in March, the great man will begin appearing nationally as a spokesman for whales and other wildlife...
...And he has even gotten the Washington press corps to display some dignity...
...Skip Adams-Taylor, the disco-going homosexual convicted of murdering a sexually importunate Miss Joyce Robertson and then decapitating her parakeet, was given a 25-year sentence for first degree murder...
...He has convincingly suggested that America again has a serious government run by serious men...
...Those public relations agencies hired by the Pentagon to present military life in more swinging hues should have an easier time of it thanks to the exertions of Midshipman James Love...
...RET...
...The Rev...
...Love made headlines on January 30 when U.S...
...Congratulations are in order for the Hon...
...The appropriately named Mr...
...Bill Walton, the Marxist-Leninist thumper for health food and holistic spoonery, ended one of the sickliest National Basketball Association careers ever, when Dr...
...In England, four venerable Labour Party MPs, made queasy by the Party's lurch toward Kim Il-Songism, made the first move to establish their own party by setting up a "Council for Social Democracy...
...advised that "Money is the excrement of the devil, but it is also good fertilizer...
...The Oakland Raiders won the XVth annual Superbowl, while Miss Mellissa E. Martin of DePauw University won the 1981 International Goddess of Chewing Tobacco Contest in a wetly contested event that left several competitors holding their sides and looking for an Iranian...
...Andy Young's international consulting firm brightened stupendously this month when United Press International reported the first hard evidence of Negroes living in outer space...
...and Mr...
...And Miss Shannon Jo Ryan, the daughter of Congressman Leo Ryan, an early casualty of the Jonestown Community, has taken up with Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, the illustrious guru and lady's man...
...According to the champ, as he was leaving a saloon in the dark of the night "an unseen attacker" clouted him into unconsciousness and absconded with his clothes, including his gold teeth, a blue fox coat, and jewelry worth about $45,000...
...Mr...
...He has brought dignity to realms where there recently had been mawkishness and amateurism unsurpassed in American history...
...Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini is going to be furious when he learns that visitors to Madame Tussaud's London wax works no longer adjudge him the most hated man in history...
...Julio Cesar Lacerdo's wedding, announced that he was the father of her child, and immediately went into labor...
...In Indianapolis, Indiana, Mr...
...Rex Speiler, a former American professor of political science, was rushed to a hospital after collapsing in the street...
...Prospects for the Hon...
...According to the UPI, a Negro space traveller named Mr...
...Several hours later she, a nutritionist, and her husband, an archaelo-gist, were the proud parents of an eight-pound babe...
...Liberationist theology suffered a blow to the solar plexus when, in remarking on the commercialism that has preceded Pope John Paul II's trip to the Philippines, Manila's Cardinal Jaime Sin...
...representative convicted in the Abscam investigation...
...Explaining that he was penniless, owing to the unexpected crash of his spaceship, Mr...
...Young's Atlanta office, inquiring as to how he intended to exploit this extraterrestrial opportunity, the spokesman was evasive, in fact uncooperative...
...Quadir from the planet G-7 got on a Manhattan shuttle train wearing iridescent purple sunglasses and a green and yellow vinyl jacket to which had been pinned a rubber alligator...
...Doubtless, feminists will soon be clamoring for the government to issue equitable guidelines for future orgies...
...Theretofore our State Department had extended this privilege to the Comrade so that he would be able to enter the building with warm ears and without suffering ambuscade from the journalists of Chase Manhattan...
...On the sports scene, Mr...
...Yet there seems to be no doubt that when the space shuttle is launched later this year it will have new meaning for the greatest American diplomat since Benjamin Franklin...
...Nonethess the reporters will no longer whistle, wave, shout, and deliver oaths at press conferences, at least until impeachment procedures commence...
...Quadir played a few tunes on his saxophone and asked fellow passengers for financial assistance...
...Speiler had walked through downtown Kuala Lumpur for weeks insisting that he was a Kleenex tissue and refusing solid foods until "some good soul uses me...
...In Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Mr...
...I do not think that a suicide situation like Jonestown would ever arise," the straight-talking young searcher informed Newsweek, "Bhagwan would never ask that of us...
Vol. 14 • March 1981 • No. 3
