The Continuing Crisis
_9 June 1 through July 11, and throughout the Republic politicoes and their handlers prepared themselves for the great Lying Match of 1980. One of the candidates who needs little preparation...
...9 On June 16, the Supreme Court decided that new forms of life created in laboratories are eligible for patents under current patent law, a decision that clears the way for campaigning Jimmy to make them eligible for food stamps, day-care centers, subsidized housing, bilingual education, affirmative action--the whole compassionate smash...
...W.E...
...Thatcher looked unwell...
...And from Aix-en-Provence, France, comes word that the butchers and cold-meat processors of nearby Trets have constructed history's longest sausage, a 3817-meter beauty made from the guts of 250 sheep...
...Miss Lillian and the dutiful Rosalynn rejoiced...
...Yet a well-planned coup might just be possible, and there is ample evidence to suggest that the Supreme Court could find the thing constitutional, based on, say, the "equal protection clause" of the Fourteenth Amendment...
...And in Paris a French couple sustained serious injury when an overhead mirror in their bedroom fell on them during a luncheon engagement...
...J . Carmen Garcia, the famed grower of 50-pound cabbages, ten-pound onions, and five-feet-long collard greens, has notified reporters that his formula for these volupt marvels has been given to the Rosicurian Order of San Jose, California, much to the dismay of bureaucrats at our Department of Agriculture...
...The Prime Minister of Japan died, the Prime Minister of Israel had a heart attack, and even the sturdy Mrs...
...Now he has been asked to serve as commentator for NBC's convention coverage...
...Hudson had sought to have the bars covered while he made his toilette, but the request was summarily rejected...
...One of the candidates who needs little preparation and apparently no primary victories is the Hon...
...And in Baltimore, Maryland, U.S...
...He has become the eponym for innumerable public edifices...
...Why did they not think of that when George Wallace was an independent...
...With this decision the American melting pot could, as Walter Cronkite might say, become a whole new ball game...
...Patrick's Cathedral...
...Sanjay Gandhi, the deceased son of Prime Minister Indira Gandhi, is being transmogrified into a martyr for Indian folklore...
...There was bliss in the Kremlin, but in Spain Salvador Dali involuntarily clipped a squiggle from his venerable moustache...
...Levi Hudson, a resident at the Maryland House of Correction and a convicted murderer, had filed, contending that his privacy was violated when a woman guard saw him buck naked in his cell...
...History marches on...
...Harold Stassen has thrown his support to Reagan, a gesture that leaves those moderates who did not troop out of the Republican tent with Parson Anderson glum and without hope...
...John Bayard Anderson, 1964 winner of the National Association of Evangelicals' Outstanding Layman of the Year Award...
...9 Now these pecksniffs thump their tubs for Anderson...
...9 On June 3, the Wonderboy, wan and detumescent after nearly four years of heroic blundering, snagged enough delegates in the California, Ohio, and New Jersey primaries to assure him the Democratic presidential nomination...
...Intellectual movie stars are dedicating their very lives to him...
...9 In Washington, D.C., two desperate physical fitness buffs were arrested at Woodward & Lathrop department store and charged with shoplifting and destroying private property...
...Mount St...
...Readers of the Village Voice and inmates of some of America's top padded cells exulted when Senator Kennedy promised to continue his campaign for national salvation, right onto the floor of the Democratic National Convention...
...Even Mr...
...The two lucky beneficiaries of America's pursuit of perfect justice sued the Ojai Valley Inn on the grounds that its requirement that only men wear neckties represented sexual discrimination in its most heinous form, a judgment resoundingly upheld by the shocked jurors...
...He is the choice of the overwhelming majority of Perrier sippers, Volvo jockeys, and owners of natural-foods vomitoriums...
...Such a feat would, of course, be extremely difficult, for the Wonderboy's Secret Service detail is in crack condition, as was clear for all to see late in June when it--with Jimmy pitching, let the record show--trounced an opposing team led by Billy Carter,Jimmy's brighter brother...
...The Rev...
...Ellis of the Pilgrim Rest Baptist Church of Benton Township, Michigan, is accused of walloping Brothers Alexis Williams and Oliver Edwards as they prayed and sweated together during an unusually demonstrative service on June 1. In Valle de Santiago, Mexico, Mr...
...District Judge Joseph Young is even now weighing a woman's right to equal employment against a man's right to privacy...
...Helmut Schmidt vamoosed for Moscow, and in France Giscard d'Estaing announced that his country had successfully tested the neutron bomb...
...In the downtown Washington, D.C., Trailways bus depot, 90 dozen ducks' eggs inexplicably began to hatch...
...Schools are being founded to disseminate his "teachings," and graduate schools are being founded to divine what his "teachings" were...
...Ramsey Clark was identified as a "latter-day Rudolf Hess" by his historically-minded Iranian hosts, Attorney General Benjamin Civiletti ordered an investigation into the world p a t r i o t ' s trip to Tehran's "Crimes of America" gala...
...RET 2 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR AUGUST 1980...
...In other judicial news, a superior-court jury in progressive Ventura, California, awarded an $18,000 judgment to a doctor and a lawyer who were nearly starved to death by the owners of a posh restaurant when the men refused to don neckties...
...At universicies whole departments of urbanologists and professors of Romance languages are ready to throw their bodies into the breach...
...9 Finally, in India, Mr...
...9 An illuminating example of the wonders that the Court can heave up on the flumdiddle scaffolding of this well-worn clause was seen on July 2, when its distinguished sophists decided in Fullilove v. Klutznick that the " e q u a l protection c l a u s e " allowed the government to reserve 10 percent of all public-works contracts for blacks...
...Ronald Reagan won pledges of support from six of the men he beat in the Republican presidential primaries...
...Helens erupted for the third time in less than a month, and Mr...
...9 Verily, Jimmy's triumph cheered very few...
...9 On June 7, one day after the Hon...
...Apparently the two alerted security guards and humanitarians alike when they crashed into a 3/4 -inch-thick glass door while attempting to jog from the store's clothing department wearing stolen jogging suits...
...As of July 1, he became the presidential candidate of all those reformers who simply cannot abide the two candidates chosen by the primary system, a system heretofore touted by the reformers as foolproof...
...And across the Republic, patriots sought legal advice as to the constitutionality of a coup d'~tat...
...9 In church news, an 88-year-old Michigan minister charged with beating two parishioners with a cane was ordered to stand trial...
...He would sweep every established nudist camp in the country--which suggests a terrific bumpersticker, to wit: "Another Nudist for Anderson...
...In New York City a mob of militant pederasts held a mainly pastel " b a l l o o n - l o o s e " in front of St...
...Judge Young's historic cerebrations have been induced by that $1.6 million lawsuit that Mr...
...After all, on the campaign trail Jimmy is capable of almost anything, a phenomenon demonstrated on July 8 when the preposterous man suddenly appeared at Detroit Airport, summoned the auto industry's labor and corporate leaders together, congratulated himself for not yet putting them out of business, and unveiled an aid package consisting of hot air and baloney...
Vol. 13 • August 1980 • No. 8
