The New Brinksmanship
Nollson, John
"The New Brinksmanship" John Nollson Because the Aggressors have failed to take our warnings to heart, and have not yet withdrawn, it is time to contemplate some strong medicine. The level of...
...When I was a boy, patriotic Americans wanted to "unleash" Chiang Kaishek...
...The first is a total embargo on the export of blue jeans...
...Though riddled with injuries, the Steelers' defensive line has shown itself remarkably adept at containing the run to the outside and mounting a credible pass rush against the opposition quarterback...
...Six men will be infiltrated, one each, into the six largest cities in the Soviet Union...
...Quite properly, the company refuses to print the new Babrak Karmal trading cards--nor will it wrap them with bubble gum--until someone makes good on the first contract...
...This is real leverage...
...THE AMERICAN SPECTATO R APRIL 1980 21...
...Accordingly, the current embargo on the export of calculators should be lifted, but not totally...
...No one else wants to buy them anyway...
...It should also be made plain to the Aggressors that they are going to have to indemnify the Worldwide Trading Card Company of Perth Amboy, New Jersey...
...Some thought should be given to appointing the Front Four of the Pittsburgh Steelers as the new SALT negotiating team...
...But surely, as the statusquo power, it is not our responsibility to export revolution...
...While the Olympic Committee was closeted in Colorado Springs, the National Football League owners were gathering in an undisclosed location, debating whether Moscow should be given one of the new franchises in the next expansion...
...According to reliable intelligence reports, both Secretary Brezhnev and the Ayatollah Khomeini have expressed a desire to be Peppers...
...Neither of these men should ever be allowed to say, "I drink Dr...
...At precisely the same moment, each will bite into a Doritos corn chip, allowing the vibrations therefrom to wreak awesome devastation...
...Too bad for them: Construction of the Dr...
...Worldwide had printed, under contract with the former government of Afghanistan, almost 400,000 Hafizullah Amin trading cards, only to be told that Kabul would not take delivery...
...So far as is known, there are no blue jean manufacturing facilities in the early primary states...
...Though the State Department hesitates to take the step, Bette Midler's concert tour should be canceled, even if it takes presidential intervention to do it...
...Withal, we have to keep up with the times...
...We need to be reminded that the carrot is worthless without the stick...
...It's time to find out whether the Aggressor's offensive line can pick up a blitz, or whether it will merely foul up the blocking assignments...
...There is no use warning them about future miscalculations if you don't teach them how to avoid them...
...As is our current monopoly on the manufacture of microwave ovens...
...One is already in the works...
...Old Chiang is gone now, but thank heaven we still have the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull...
...Analysts differ as to whether the loud brass will rouse the Politburo from its slumbers (bad) or bore it to death (good...
...Pepper bottling plants in Kiev and Qom should be halted forthwith...
...In particular, the Mattel Company should be allowed to market its new computerized game, Electronic Geopolitics...
...If, for some reason, the opposition tries to run up the middle, we can also send in the linebacking corps to plug the holes...
...This will cause serious unrest among the youth in the Aggressor's society, and has the added advantage of being easy to administer and politically manageable...
...Either the Aggressors will cut it out, or they will be in for it when they feel the sting of a covert operation...
...The level of pain will surely be raised if we take one or more of the following steps...
...With all the hoopla surrounding the 1980 Olympics, we have lost sight of some other equally important decisions that must soon be made...
...Pepper and I'm proud...
...Not only will this introduce a new note of risk into the Aggressor's calculations, it will remind them of a more fundamental point about world affairs: Even if they behave themselves, there's only so much the capitalist system can do for them...
...Experts are divided as to whether the Southern Cal marching band should be allowed to proceed with its planned show m Red Square...
...Of course, this game is a bit more taxing than Othello, but the Aggressors should be encouraged to play it as much as possible...
...If we are ever to normalize relations with the new authorities, they will first have to understand that a deal is a deal...
...Unlike the grain embargo, a blue jean embargo will have broad bipartisan support...
...They stress the importance of insuring that the Politburo does not miscalculate in the future...
...Many Kremlinologists hold that the recent Soviet gambits have been a miscalculation...
...Rather, they should be made to feel shame...
...Indeed, we can drive home this point by allowing Aeroflot to proceed with its plans to purchase three dozen McDonald-Douglas DC-10s...
...The embargo will fall most heavily on Levi Strauss and Company, but the federal government can surely purchase the blue jean surplus to_maintain the market price...
...John Nollson THE NEW BRINKSMANSHIP Because the Aggressors have failed to take our warnings to heart, and have not yet withdrawn, it is time to contemplate some strong medicine...
...In fact, we have had this option for several years, and only the determined action of the Women's Caucus has prevented us from instituting a policy which, admittedly, would work greater hardship on Russian women than on Russian men...
...Why should we offer outstanding entertainment to the Aggressors when they refuse to adhere to even the most rudimentary standards...
...On the other hand, we should move smartly along with our plans for the export of Ford Pintos, with Firestone 500 tires mounted thereon...
...In order that this be a wellinformed decision, the government has begun to poll all those who attended the Rose Bowl game this past New Year's Day...
...It is within our power to cut in half the amount of time the average Russian housewife spends in the kitchen preparing a roast...
Vol. 13 • April 1980 • No. 4
