The Continuing Crisis
_9 January 12 to February 8, and the Kennedy campaign proceeds like a beautiful comet flaring across the northern skies, successively losing magnitude and even plausibility. To revive his...
...Ambassador All...
...According to police, he lost a portion of it while attempting to rape a feisty 74-year-old woman...
...Pete Rose deserved to be honored as "The Player of the Decade...
...Apparently Mrs...
...Rod Carew...
...9 Advocates of the nation's prisoners-rights movement were dealt a serious setback when inmates at the New Mexico State Penitentiary freed themselves and duly began butchering each other into rudely-cut bacon, despite alternative prospects offered by the presence of 15 hostage-guards...
...What was that all about...
...I don't want to get into a racial thing," Mr...
...Moreover, the American-Arab Relations Committee also took umbrage and demanded in a formal statement that the FBI apologize to Arabs worldwide for fashioning a trap perpetuating a "prejudicial view of Arabs...
...In Hudiksvall, Sweden, a 31year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of robbing his three-year-old son's piggy bank...
...The Hon...
...Deborah Davis was arraigned for shooting her husband James, described as "kind of a counter culture type" who once told his lawyer of "contacts with little men in spaceships...
...How can they fail...
...Peter Bourne...
...and his lawyers, using a defense tactic that could benefit scores of his old associates, are attempting to spring him on grounds of mental incompetence...
...And in Minneapolis, evangelist Billy Graham was slightly injured when he fell in the bathtub, possibly while attempting to replicate a famous Biblical feat...
...Miss Midge Costanza...
...With the Wonderboy pulling away and the Mullah Brown catching up, sniggers are beginning to sound, and the faithful are beginning to wonder if there might not have been some mistake on the Senator's birth certificate...
...What is more, our President's appointee could not recollect having heard of Helmut Schmidt, James Callaghan, and Valery Giscard d'Estaing...
...Soon word reached the White House that its 250-pound diplomatist had run amok somewhere in Africa and there was nothing the foreign service could do about it...
...RET 2 THE AMERICAN SPECTATOR MARCH 1980...
...on October 20, he masturbated nude in front of the Sticky Fingers Bakery and in full view of Miss Karen Babcock, baker...
...The 16-term congressman is accused of having accepted more than $50,000 in bribes...
...Muhammad All, Esq., as a presidential envoy to the heads of five African countries to elucidate the mysteries of the Wonderboy's foreign policy...
...Finally, the Rutland, Vermont, Herald reports that Mr...
...and that India and Pakistan are not palsy-walsy ("You mean there has been a war between India and Pakistan...
...To revive his fortunes, on January 28 Senator Kennedy delivered a major policy speech, the contents of which suggested that the Senator is now pitching his woo toward surviving members of the Wobblies...
...George Meany died...
...That was the day Ambassador All strutted about with the Kenyan presidential baton, which he had snatched from an agape President Daniel Arap Moi...
...Davis' trysts with her in a torture chamber maintained just beneath their residence, and she shot him as he slept in the couple's waterbed...
...A love-starved rapist was arrested at an East St...
...Davis had come to disrelish strongly Mr...
...Soon, Attorney General Benjamin R. Civiletti was feverishly testifying before congressional committees and reassuring Capitol Hill's nervous inhabitants that only eight of their fellows had been nabbed this time...
...Aaron finished third behind Mr...
...On January 16 a hearing into the competence of former congressman Daniel Flood attracted anxious attention from erstwhile colleagues...
...Acclaimed by Soviet critics for its "sincere pathos," the oratorio begins with young Leonid's log-cabin incubation and culminates in a grandiose portrayal of the dauntless patriot suavely opening the steppeland of Central Asia to agriculture...
...The woman duly turned the piece of tongue over to police, the police went to the hospital, and the puzzle was solved...
...9 Is a pattern emerging here...
...Why not the best indeed...
...9 Soviet scientists have announced that the}' will soon bring into the world the first mammoth to tread the planet in ten thousand years...
...Aaron said, "but I was never the ideal person for the New York p r e s s " - - a n d we all know of that institution's apartheid tendencies...
...Nearly 100 congressmen have now slipped under the particeps criminis pale since 1970...
...How come...
...9 In Moscow, Papa Brezhnev's memoirs are still very much on the minds of members of the intelligentsia...
...9 The Justice Department found itself in very hotwater with the 96th Congress when it was revealed that the FBI had uncovered a plethora of venality flowing between eight or so distinguished solons and an FB1 front, Abdul Enterprises, Limited, an Arab firm whose lawyer, so thought the pols, was a man named Weintraub...
...In a striking show of political integrity, the American Nazi Party has aided Chicago police in indicting the Party's former Fiihrer for sexually abusing little boys...
...On February 5, Mr...
...Hank Aaron showed the charm of a real professional by insisting that he and not Mr...
...Madalyn Murray O'Hair of the American Atheists is countering the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church's "Dial-a-Prayer" by setting up a "Dial-an-Atheist" telephone service, (212) 7263647 for the faithful...
...Leonid I. Brezhnev, Hero of Socialist Labor, one of "the two baddest white men in the world...
...Lloyd E. Welch, 19, was given a one-year suspended sentence upon pleading nolo contendere to charges that, at 4 a.m...
...Not only that, but he had called Mr...
...Hodding Carter stated that "the impact he's having is tremendous...
...9 In another inspired move, the Wonderboy sent Mr...
...Andrew Young...
...In Teheran, the Islamic government has established a center for the abolition of sin, and in New York City, Mrs...
...Nonetheless, relations with the Arabs remained arctic, for their grumpy missive had never explained whether they were offended because the FBI ploy presented Arabs as the bestowers of bribes or the associates of congressmen...
...And in Detroit, Mr...
...In other cultural notes, officials at the Berlin Zoo confected a laxative of linseed soup to purge a prized rhinoceros that had inadvertently gulped down a key ring during brunch...
...A supporting cast of thousands...
...Already the winner of the Lenin Prize and widely accepted as a classic of modern Soviet literature, the memoirs have now been made into an oratorio that has become the musical season's rage...
...9 A foreign service officer, writing in the Foreign Service Journal, reports that the Wonderboy's Ambassador to Singapore arrived at his post unaware that there are two Koreas ("Did you say there are two separate Korean Governments...
...Marvin Travis, whose mother's body lay for over a year in her upstairs bedroom, told police that he was unaware she had succumbed because his deceased father had always instructed him to respect her privacy...
...Say what you will, but I shall miss the great plumber...
...All of which suggests that during Watergate Richard Nixon may well have blundered and unnecessarily alienated Congress when he asserted, "I am not a crook...
...Unfortunately, the former pugilist and poet was set upon at the beautiful Dar es Salaam aerodrome by a mob of Tanzanian Dan Rathers...
...9 The owners of Studio 54 began serving prison terms for tax evasion...
...Who would explain the thing to the Soviet leader...
...9 Finally, Mr...
...As a careful student of the Carterian mountebankery, I strongly suspect that all of the above will be cited by our President as proof that, in these trying times, no other presidential candidate has had more experience in dealing successfully with idiocy...
...At any rate, this is Congress's second major scandal since Watergate...
...9 In Lyndon, Kansas, Mrs...
...Pronouncing adoption "more permanent than marriage," a 21-year-old Milwaukee man won a petition allowing him to adopt his 23-year-old homosexual lover...
...Fortunately, the Wonderboy has had more experience with such lunatic interludes than any other American President, and so the boys at the White House continued to whistle their merry tune...
...Louis, Illinois, hospital where he was having his tongue sutured...
...Using authentic ma,nmoth cells discovered in Siberian tundra, the scientists plan to impregnate a female elephant that will then give birth to a mammoth, which, the scientists insist, will be used purely for peaceful purposes...
Vol. 13 • March 1980 • No. 3
