Call Me Ahab

...It was thoroughly inspected by the harbor master, who pronounced it unsafe for use by a handicapped person...

...You mean, he's still alive...

...We don't understand you at all...

...Yes, it was an enterprise of excitement and romance, worthy of the best of us...

...Let's talk about it...

...After, some delay, a wheelchair was produced so that Ahab could be taken off the ship...

...Well," whispered the Commodore of the Save the Whales Flotilla to one of his colleagues, "this certainly puts things in a different light...

...As your map so plainly reveals, I have stalked him for years, and yet he eludeth me Somehow...

...What explains it...

...The Friends of the Humpback, Inc., it was explained, had filed a series of complaints with the Federal Whaling Commission, and the Pequod had to make for Washington straightaway so that Ahab could answer for the alleged violations...

...It enraged me...

...It will take a Joseph Conrad to tell it passion, courage, adventure...

...Why, I had no idea that the old salt was doing God's will all along, just as he had been telling us...

...They were horrified to discover that he had goods of Japanese manufacture in the hold, and urged him to cast his Sony cassette player overboard...

...Aye, he spouteth still, and I shall know no peace until he spouteth no more...

...It was not so very long ago that I caught sight of him as we sailed Long Island Sound...

...Now," said the Hearing Examiner, "the record is plain that you have exceeded by fair the annual number of voyages permitted in the regulations...

...But thee hath me surrounded and we shall make course for the capital...

...Since entering the mouth of,the Potomac River, about 110 miles below Washington, D.C., the ship had been guided by four Coast Guard cutters...

...Here, look at this...

...asked the Hearing Examiner...

...Tell us," another of them said, "what exactly does the White Whale symbolize for you...

...Is it a symbol of nature...

...And then the dangerous voyage around the Horn once "again...

...In the late forties, you concentrated your efforts off the coast.of southern California, then (or almost eight years, you hover off the coast of Maryland...

...You and your ship seem to have spent a disproportionate amount of time in American waters...

...Thee and thy Coast Guard and all thy provisions of law art a pain in the arse," Ahab had shouted, biting off the end of his Cuban cigar, which the Coast Guard then proceeded to confiscate on the grounds that it was contraband...

...But we must get to the matter at hand...

...Call me Ahab...

...The Coalition for a Whale-Filled Environment had turned out in force, with flags, banners, and placards everywhere...

...I thought he had been sent to Davy Jones' locker years ago...

...Obviously some kind of manic-depressive," muttered the leader of the Save the Whales Flotilla...

...What was he doing...

...Goodluck and Godspeed, Captain," he said with a slight catch in his voice...

...Then, for a time, you are found in the waters of Long Island Sound...

...From the Arctic to the tropics, from the Antarctic to the Baltic Sea, from the coast of Russia to the coast of China to the coast of California, the Pequod had been everywhere...

...There will be lawsuits aplenty, let me assure you...

...Humph," Ahab had replied through his speaking trumpet...

...Aye," said the Captain with a quiet nod...

...Now the Pequod was about to tie up at the dock...

...Ahab was surprised by the size of the crowd that had gathered at dockside...

...But I must say for the record that I am astounded that in this day and age, you would chase Whales in a ship made out of wood, without a single modern convenience of any kind, without any regard for the welfare of your crew, who, as can plainly be seen, are suffering from every imaginable form of vitamin deficiency...

...Thee are the perverts, not the stout lads of this crew," Ahab shot back...

...Aye, it's a hard and dangerous course but we shall steer by it...

...How quickly thee hath forgotten,'' said Ahab with a sigh...

...You have got to get to the bottom of this...

...A hundred miles out from New Bedford, the Pequod had been harassed by dozens of small rowboats, each sporting elaborate pennants condemning whale killers and all their works...

...The Hearing Examiner thrust out his hand...

...The Hearing Examiner rapped his gavel for order...

...It has become the mission of my life and I cannot turn away from it...

...A member of the Commission's staff unfurled an enormous map of the world and tacked it to an even larger easel...

...By the time Ahab arrived at the headquarters of the Federal Whaling Commission, the hearing room was filled to overflowing...

...God knows, there are hints galore that your ship is rife with pederasty...

...Finally the Hearing Examiner spoke...

...And I shall not rest until I drive my harpoon into him and he spouts black blood...

...The harbor master apologized for the delay, explaining that it was necessary for the Harbor Commission to protect itself from lawsuits, even though it seemed unlikely that Ahab would file suit claiming malfeasance...

...But I am puzzled by one thing...

...Ahab had been summoned to answer to the Federal Whaling Commission for his unrelenting pursuit of the great sea mammals, and he was in a foul mood...

...There's probably something going on with Ishmael and that tatooed cannibal of a harpooner of yours...

...These proceedings are adjourned," he said...

...A silence fell over the room...

...The spring hunt was shaping up as a disaster...

...They had engaged him in a serious discussion of the ecological implications of his efforts...

...Twenty minutes later, they were at dock-side, standing at the gangplank of the Pequod...

...Are you a Christ figure...

...Then you sail all the way around Cape Horn to prowl the waters near San Diego...

...But we know of no Great White Whale," said the Hearing Examiner...

...Then he stood up and told the old whaler that he would accompany him back to his ship...

...I am sure that I had read something about it...

...Are you sure...

...That is a problem for the Occupational Health and Safety Administration, in any event...

...Indeed, it is a dead industry...

...Aye, that is what we shall need," said the old mariner...

...Their crews had attempted to parley with Ahab, to bring him to his senses, to urge him to halt his obsessional stalking of whales...

...Afterwards, you move further south...

...We are going to skip over the long list of unsafe labor practices aboard your ship, Captain," the Hearing Examiner began...

...the escort had served its purpose...

...The Administrative Law Judge who was to act as Hearing Examiner rapped his gavel, opening the proceeding...

...The Hearing Examiner seemed carried away with the wonder of it...

...The map was filled with lines describing the voyages of the Pequod over the past 30 years...

...asked the Hearing Examiner...

...You have got to come to grips with this, Ahab," one of them had shouted...

...Aye," said Ahab, "I am certain of it...

...The Grdat White Whale...

...We tend to think you are a repressed homosexual...

...What's it all about...

...The Pequod's gangplank was lowered...

...I must say," he said, "that you are the last of a rare breed, those who pursue the whale Moby Dick...

...But Ahab had merely tapped his peg leg on the quarterdeck, striking a pose of studied exasperation...

...But now that we understand each other, let us not be so formal...

...But it is not as profitable as it once was...

...He was spouting," answered Ahab...

...It is the will of God that we sail the seven seas, hunting whales, bringing home their oil so that the homes of the world can be illuminated...

...Ah, but what a stirring chapter in American maritime history...

...I suppose I meant a Herman Melville, but no matter.'' A few more routine questions, and the Hearing Examiner rapped his gavel once again...

...I hunt the Great White Whale,'' Ahab said solemnly, "and I am bound by God until I kill it...

...Ahab had thought that he had seen the last of those insufferable nuisances, but weeks later he had been found by the Coast Guard...

...I hunt the great beast of the seas, Moby Dick, aye, Moby Dick Nixon...