The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS January through mid-February, and the Wonderboy is having his problems. First there were his hemorrhoids, then there was the economy, then the conturbation in Iran. January's...
...Menachem Begin...
...January's wholesale prices rose 1,3 percent, the highest increase since November 1974...
...All of which makes his State Department's human-rights survey an even more curious document...
...Ample supplies of oriental rugs at moderate prices-that is the promise of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini's new Iranian Islamic Republic...
...He travels to foreign parts-at least to those foreign parts where it is not yet illegal for an American Secretary of State to venture...
...After all, occurrences that in less enlightened periods might have been put down as foreign policy disasters now pass unremarked...
...The Wbnderbby's superbly humanized CIA has been as informed about Iranian politics over the past year as a dozen practicing alcoholics on an American Express tour...
...Released on February 10, it supposedly essays the condition of human rights in 115 countries that receive economic or military assistance from the United States, depending on their observance of American liberal values...
...Moreover, our President declared that American involvement in Iran had been minimal, and that it was not U.S...
...To understand Iran, consult Mr...
...The dollar's value continued its graceless decline, and Jimmy's State of the Union Address sounded like the annual report of the Kansas City Power and Light Company, read with feeling...
...Finally a promising life of crime ended for 20-year-old William R. Douglas of Louisville when he got his head stuck in a bathroom window he was surreptitiously trying to enter and choked to death...
...Former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller died during private services in his Manhattan office at 13 W. 54th Street...
...Certainly our Secretary of State's instinct for ceremony is glorious beyond compare...
...Who doubts the report...
...The Genius of Campaign '76 spends more and more time in Camp David...
...Led by a scowling 78-year-old exile, it was carried out by street demonstrators wearing two-buttoned sport coats and howling for liberation via the Islamic legal code...
...There are few leaks, but then again there is very little policy to leak...
...The Washington police department has hired its first transsexual, and a newspaper columnist in the Philippines has advised businessmen who feel that they are being "harassed" by reporters to shoot them...
...And in Oklahoma City a writer by the name of Woodrow W. Bussey is filing a $2 million lawsuit against Coors beer and a local tavern, claiming "irreparable brain damage, damage to his reputation, damage to his sexual prowess and damage to his literary career...
...In the report, Israel received black marks for administrative policies vis-a-vis Arabs in the occupied territories...
...Otherwise Mr...
...Once some lout left a Washington telephone directory there...
...Which explains, perhaps, Mrs...
...Why was it published...
...He will be missed...
...Ros-alynn Carter's testimony to a Senate subcommittee, later in the day, wherein she declared that "everybody has a mental problem...
...Cyrus Vance seems to be pretty much unnoticed and probably unnecessary...
...Is this not an attempt to determine the governments of those countries...
...his government anticipated the disaster nearly a year ago...
...The Secretary of State had been conferring with the Wonderboy about the Iranian disaster, and you can be sure that their discussion was brief...
...What he does there goes unrecorded...
...John Connally announced that he is running for the Presidency...
...Will the United States really maintain a "very productive and peaceful cooperation" with Iran...
...Yet even greater terror struck the Oval Office when the Washington Post published a front-page news story claiming that that candidate who in 1976 had methodically repeated, "If I ever lie to you don't vote for me," had in a January 17 press conference told a whopper...
...A tragic denouement that, but now Mr...
...In that press conference our President gave his audience to believe that his administration had asked mainland China for a formal assurance that the Chinese would not try to take Taiwan by force...
...policy to try to determine the government of any country: "We tried that once," the sage asserted, "in the past in Vietnam and failed abominably...
...Sounding like a grandmother full of Valium, he assured a February 12 press conference that America would continue its "very productive and peaceful cooperation" with Iran...
...Vance emerged from a helicopter attired in knee socks and knickers...
...Arguably it was that government's refusal to allow Arabs to adopt the renowned Islamic criminal code, according to which thieves have their hands amputated and adulterers are thunked with stones...
...Bussey would make an excellent replacement for Howard Cosell...
...On February 11, as America's most powerful Persian Gulf ally mysteriously collapsed in anarchy, Mr...
...Possibly very well, for on February 7 Mr...
...Sid Vicious...
...Epitomizing this sudden Era of Good Feelings, one of our President's intelligence aides informed Mr...
...Still, Iran does not distress our President...
...Indeed it is about time that America conduct the whole of its foreign policy along more dignified lines, perhaps choosing as an exemplar Liechtenstein or Monaco, nations where protocol and elegant ceremony have replaced the vulgar exercise of power...
...Working with these hinds must have been a dizzying chore for the KGB...
...What was democratic Israel's transgression...
...In Pekin, Illinois, Miss Nancy Chamberlain, 31, has filed a $50,000 damage suit against Holiday Inns, Inc., because a waiter allegedly mistook her head for a flambe steak he was trying to light...
...Yet they whipped up a swell catastrophe nonetheless...
...Senator Herman Talmadge is being treated for "alcohol abuse," and Mr...
...This revolution was weird even by Middle East standards...
...Bussey's suit, "this ingesting of Coors beer has pickled the brain of the plaintiff, rendering him incapable of writing up to his potential or even writing in a professional manner...
...Is our policy toward South Africa and Rhodesia not such an attempt...
...Two days after the Wonderboy's soothing press conference our ambassador in Teheran was arrested and our ambassador in Afghanistan was murdered...
...Amnesty International may once again turn its attentions to the United States where a Minneapolis court is denying Miss Linda Kim-Sano Petersen's God-given right to change her name to Linda Elizabeth Zeamyqk Zylona Opaline Zerdali Drusilla Holly Clare Sakura Kim Sanp (no hyphen), In Pittsburgh a 14-year-old youth faces possible assault charges for having bashed a companion in the face with an 8-pound frozen carp...
...And from Melbourne, Australia, comes word that one of the great geniuses of the snooker shot has met a sad fate...
...The President reads everything put on his desk...
...Then there is our Secretary of State...
...Richard Burt of the New York Times that the United States "can no longer just bludgeon its way into situations...
...Mr...
...Our President was dauntlessly advancing through the R's when the evening janitorial detail came across him and sent him to his quarters...
...Perhaps in time we could found an institute to publish an American equivalent of Jane's Fighting Ships, thereby affording us the opportunity to chronicle the comparative naval strengths of the USSR, China, West Germany, France, and the other global powers...
...If the Iranian government adopts all the Ayatollah's theocratic flumdiddle, how will it fare in next year's State Department survey...
...Andrew Young called Islam "a vibrant cultural force" and the Ayatollah "a saint...
...Oil production will be halved, technological advance scotched, and female limbs will vanish forever...
...Terror struck Washington when it was learned that Miss Sara Jane Moore, convicted in 1976 of an attempt to assassinate President Ford, had made good on an audacious escape from an Alderson, West Virginia, calaboose and was headed for Washington, before being recaptured...
...Pol Pot's Utopian community fell after a 13-day battle with Vietnam...
...The Post has discovered that the administration did nothing of the kind, a disclosure that raises new questions about our China policy and about born-again Christian theology in general...
...As our relative power declines," he explained, "we must learn, like the British did years ago, to become more discriminating, alert and skilled in political intelligence...
...Raymond Priestly was attempting a shot while hanging upside down from the ceiling when his pants loosened and he crashed head-first on the pool table...
...RET...
...According to Mr...
...his aides collect things to put on his desk...
...Drug overdose again struck the world of culture, this time taking the life of punk rock star Mr...
Vol. 12 • March 1979 • No. 3
