The Continuing Crisis
T H E C O N T IN U I N G CRISIS • December through January, and our President is hard at work. He speaks out forcefully for the Shah, and Americans begin to leave Teheran. He orders a carrier force...
...Zelinski, and then she can speak for herself...
...Teng Hsiao-P'ing picks up his Chinese-made telephone, waits ten minutes for a bureaucrat in the Department of Water Buffaloes to get off Teng's party line, and asks the operator to dial the United States, (202) 456-1414...
...From within the famed Sans Souci there commences a murmuring, and meanwhile, back in Peking, the mysterious Mr...
...Evidently, while researching Roots the great author traveled the country lecturing to keep body and soul together...
...Who in the hell is this Missa Teng...
...Is Mr...
...In his latest attempt he blew off his left index finger with his own shotgun, thereby leaving police a near perfect fingerprint and a relatively uneventful arrest, once they located the woebegone wisenheimer in a New York City hospital...
...A thief wearing pink curlers robbed two women in St...
...Teng is kicking himself for not demanding small parcels of Hawaii...
...No injuries have been reported, but neither have any arrests...
...Teng asks for Jimmy...
...With incomparable dignity and $500,000, Mr...
...He orders a carrier force to Iranian waters, and it steams about in a vast and awesome circle-a naval maneuver rarely seen and inscrutable to many an old salt...
...Does he realize that today is the first day of the rest of his life...
...Greta Rideout, the young Oregon woman who suffered such mortification when she had to divulge the details of her sex life as she attempted to have her husband convicted for raping her, returned to live with him in early January, apparently serene in the knowledge that Mr...
...Barbara Williams was sent off to the slammer...
...Actually, it has yet to be established that homosexuality had anything to do with the case...
...Teng feeling very good about himself...
...Chiang Ching-kuo, President of the Republic of China, and a shaken Mr...
...Alex Haley has put the kabosh to one Harold Courlander's squalid charge that 80 passages of Roots were stolen goods...
...Tension again grips the Champaign campus of Illinois University...
...Off to their toothsome leader they clamber...
...In Mineola, New York, a physician was ordered to pay $188,233 in damages for igniting gas in the intestinal tract of a patient during an operation...
...They are upon the backside of Prime Minister Begin, and vague imprints of them can be seen on the pantaloons of other friends of the U.S.A...
...In December the incidence of poverty in Compton, California, dropped precipitously when Mrs...
...The persiflage continues, and as it does Ham and Jody furiously leaf through their Howard Johnson World Atlas...
...Iran is one of the showcases of the Carter wizardry, displaying as it does the prodigious advances that can be wrought in human liberty when McGovernite liberalism works in concert with the KGB...
...The worthy Korea Herald, an English-language newspaper that no thinking American should be without, reports that "a fat monkey of still undetermined species" twice raped a comely newlywed, Mrs...
...After these lectures grateful listeners would pass "slips of paper" into his hands...
...Nevertheless, the illustrious belletrist forked over the boodle and returned to his art, his integrity unbesmirched...
...Without firing a shot or loosing a missile, America has become the most dangerous country on earth, at least for its friends...
...In Des Moines, Iowa, those singing butchers who were suspended by the Wilson Foods Corp...
...Why a woman would drive so recklessly in such a heavily patrolled area is still unknown, but doubtless those psychological tests will provide information for the swift rehabilitation of Mrs...
...Pioneering parents in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, persuaded Circuit Court Judge Michael Guolee to grant them a "divorce" from a spectacularly rebarbative 16-year-old daughter...
...Finally, on December 28 the Arkansas National Wildlife Refuge reported that 74 whooping cranes had arrived from the north...
...Suddenly one of the boys strikes pay dirt...
...Yet for Peking there is always next month...
...Where in the hell is Peking...
...Occasionally a patriot from the ranks pumps out some bilge about the "new" Jimmy, but generally the corps remains quiescent...
...Mother Madalyn Murray O'Hair, chief battle-ax of the American Atheists, Inc., asked the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit to order a halt to the minting of Susan B. Anthony coins, on the grounds that were she alive today Miss Anthony would consider it an affront to have her face on a coin featuring the legend "In God We Trust...
...The botches of a whole month can be wiped out faster than it takes Brother Billy to swat fly...
...On the other hand, were she alive today Miss Anthony would be 159 years old and presumably much more conservative...
...What time is it there...
...Oh, the unthinkable specter...
...Madrai while she slept in the shade...
...Haley, that an unidentified sinister force must have slipped him unmarked passages from the Courlander book, and somehow these materials "found their way into" Roots...
...One does not want to become a co-conspirator in an even greater calamity, namely: a 1980 Reagan candidacy...
...Zelinski is the unfortunate lady who slammed her car into the marble columns of the New Jersey Statehouse and heaved a plastic bag containing the severed head of her 78-year-old mother...
...And finally it is now fairly certain that I will not be receiving a Christmas card from Jimmy Carter...
...On December 14 Mr...
...Our President answers...
...For that matter, it might be merely coincidental that the 32 victims were young boys...
...for whistling and singing patriotic songs have been reinstated...
...Rideout is no rapist...
...How is the weather in Peking...
...So on the Potomac all is quiet, as the most incompetent president in modern times makes a shambles of three decades of American diplomacy...
...Richard Nixon was never such a poor sport.-RET...
...And in Trenton, New Jersey, forward-looking Assemblywoman Rosemarie Totaro has proposed that it become the law of the Garden State that "anyone performing the act of intercourse must advise their partner of all the consequences of the act," thus making New Jersey the first state in the Union legally to encourage oral sex...
...John Wayne Gacy, the 36-year-old contractor and part-time clown who is being held in connection with the homosexual killings of 32 boys...
...After all, there is now in the United States Congress a widely-admired representative who has been convicted of homosexual amour with the very young, and he has never killed a soul...
...Awakening in the midst of his nefarious activity, the startled woman dashed for home, but the culprit ran her down and "satisfied himself again...
...Very politely Jimmy asks Teng how much it costs to call Washington from Peking...
...Haley settled out of court...
...Apparently the management felt the butchers' renderings of "The Star Spangled Banner," "The Marine Hymn," and other patriotic songs were meant to sting a visiting contingent from a Japanese meat cutting company...
...According to the Herald, the amorous anthropoid "calmly had intercourse" with Mrs...
...Proof that New York City is now serious about its financial crisis came when a transit policeman shot dead an elderly man attempting to jump a subway turnstile...
...It could mean war with Panama, nuclear war...
...Psychological tests have been ordered for Mrs...
...Ronald Reagan in the White House...
...Jean Zelinski, 48, of Ringoes, New Jersey...
...Further, ours is a society seeking perfect justice, a point aptly shown on December 20 when a Texas Court of Criminal Appeals reversed the conviction of Elmer Wayne Henley, whose stay in the calaboose began on account of his connection with the 1973 sex-torture slayings of 27 young boys...
...Two years ago the campus was haunted by a nameless fiend whose pleasure it was to accost coeds in the night and ply them with unwanted enemas...
...Ill fortune continues to stifle the career of bank robber Robert Martin, the 21-year-old graduate of practically every poverty program known to Christendom...
...It would be the Ford-Nixon madness all over again, only worse...
...Yet the Washington press corps steadfastly averts its' gaze...
...Now another unknown assailant is falling upon male students as they sleep and cutting their underwear from them...
...Madrai, "after all it was only a monkey...
...In religious news, Pentacostal minister William (Bill) Blakely of Indianapolis, Indiana, is credited with having broken up a tobacco chewing ring operating in the basement of his church...
...Paul, Minnesota, and in Sardinia a sportsman lost a barroom arm wrestling contest and duly pumped five bullets into his victorious opponent...
...But no, evidently slitting throats, carving shanks, and rolling rumps just inspires patriotism in the men of the famed Amalgamated- Meatcutters' Union...
...By the time our President is off the telephone, hoof-prints are all over the backside of Mr...
...What scoundrel or scoundrels were responsible for this mishap remains a mystery...
...Mr...
...In the meantime, let us not be too quick to judge...
...On Madrai, as she tilled her field in West Java...
...A Jackson, Mississippi, man passed on to glory when he drowned in the baptistry of Christ Temple Church of Christ Holiness...
...And our President, does not contain his ingenuity to Iran...
...Williams had bilked local welfare mullahs of nearly $250,000 to support an illusory family of 70, an absolutely gorgeous $170,000 domicile, a four-unit apartment building, and a silver Cadillac that would make an Arab's eyes bulge...
...His hoof-prints are all over the conference table and the empty chairs at the Egyptian-Israeli negotiations...
...Yet local antivivisectionists remained unperturbed...
...The elegantly dressed Mrs...
...Nor must we leap to conclusions about Mr...
...It was on one of these occasions, according to Mr...
...According to the Herald, the Madrai family does not plan to press charges, for, in the words of Mr...
...Holy shee-it...
Vol. 12 • February 1979 • No. 2
