The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS - September, and the Carter Administration's six-foot-two-inch, 225-pound juggler vanished along with that lovely set of snowy-white angel wings heretofore borne so primly by...
...It was a cartoonist's dream...
...Unfortunately, the response was sheer know-nothingism...
...Wayne Hays, retired, had been the object of a tasteless practical joke fabricated by a miffed boyfriend...
...There sat 17 of the Senate's most illustrious members, scowling, muttering, and issuing manifestos on the virtue of thrift and balanced budgets...
...Lance had used planes of the National Bank of Georgia...
...And lowly Pine Bluff, Arkansas, will soon have a majestic monument commemorating the mouth of Mrs...
...Chic Leavitt, owner of an Annapolis delicatessen, reported that Mandel's conviction for mail fraud and racketeering has had no effect whatsoever on the sales of two sandwiches named after the embattled statesman...
...Police report that the carrier, Mr...
...Fox's First Amendment rights...
...His body was discovered after another patron complained of unusual yelps issuing from Mr...
...On this small point there is some embarrassment, for no one seems to know the gravity of Mr...
...And in Nashville, Tennessee, Miss Pat Lepley has brought a $500,000 damage suit against the Vanderbilt Hospital for refusing to complete her sex-change surgery, thus leaving her "half woman and half man, all to her detriment socially, physically, and psychologically...
...No sooner was the casket opened than it became clear for all to see: another false alarm...
...Jody Powell made bold to show how suavely he had mastered the art of Bill Moyers and Ron Ziegler, when he leaked a report that Senator Charles Percy had regularly used aircraft owned by Bell & Howell much the same way as Mr...
...In Texas, police closed down a county fair exhibit billed as the "frog baby" when a worldly customer reported that the exhibit's main attraction was an eight-month-old human fetus...
...Nearby four more female dogs were discovered, their bodies still warm...
...Some mourners stomped out before Father Fox had even finished his gibbering...
...But what precisely did the J. Pierpont Morgan of the Calhoun First National Bank do to ignite moral rearmament in America's largest gambling casino...
...The sad losses come in the wake of another of those curious Washington rows in which the press corps, a gallimaufry of Washington pols, and various other notables become increasingly agitated about probity and high moral purpose until the whole country is made uneasily aware of another great awakening along the Potomac...
...Doctors in Madrid report irregularities in that sorely pressed pacemaker recently implanted in the eighty-oneyear-old president of the Spanish Communist Party, Miss Dolores Ibarruri, also called "La Pasionaria" because of her notoriously foul disposition...
...The mob spared him...
...Blain V. Mercer passed on to his reward on September 1, the victim of a heart attack...
...And in Holbrook, New York, a dog was killed and its master knocked unconscious when the dog relieved itself on the faulty wiring of an electrified sign...
...The sad news from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is that fifty-six-year-old Mr...
...The spectacle of them all hollering indignantly for old-time morality is as bizarre as a congregation of faith healers bawling for national health care...
...It took thirty minutes to extricate him from the booth, for it was the fastidious Mr...
...Miss Ibarruri has undone nearly a dozen pacemakers in the past decade...
...According to the aggrieved, the hospital is refusing to further refurbish her anatomy after already performing a hysterectomy and a mastectomy because it fears that further treatment will not be covered by medicare or medicaid...
...He will be missed...
...And so we leave Miss Pat Lepley, the only person in America built in conformity with HEW sex discrimination guidelines...
...Martha Mitchell if the town's newspaper has its way...
...but who, unlike Ella, was now quite passe...
...Robert C. Holder, 65, was booked for abuse of a corpse...
...Why the pols and pundits should get so exercised over matters they have done so much to obfuscate is a mystery...
...TV entertainer Johnny Carson has set a gang of lawyers upon poor Mr...
...And in Rotterdam, New York, a drink-besotted bride was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol after her car mortally bulldozed her bridegroom as they returned from their wedding reception...
...he asked that they donate to a defense fund for the accused killer...
...A diapasonal sigh of relief resounded through Washington high society when one of its finest, Miss Liz Ray, reappeared in public, giving the lie to those distressing rumors filtering out of Los Angeles suggesting that she had expired...
...She could have avoided all this disquiet had she but trusted in the canon of the late Mary Baker Eddy...
...Mercer's rented booth...
...Powell was blubbering before the press corps about his "inappropriate, regrettable, and dumb" calumnies...
...In her stead reposed one Laura Shaw who, like Ella, had been a patient at the Hudson River Center...
...Apparently, the gifted ex-paramour of the Rt...
...In Southhampton, Long Island, an aide to Vice President Mondale was arrested for "nude bathing...
...How Ella's name had gotten on Laura's casket no one knows, for the Hudson Center is a very serious place not given to practical jokes...
...Earl J. Braxton, the dynamic head of the Porta-John Corporation and the producer of an exquisite line of portable toilets called "Here's Johnny...
...In Miami, Florida, apprehensive officials of our nation's postal service are looking into charges that a postal carrier used his mail truck and the leather mail straps therein for unauthorized purposes...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS • September, and the Carter Administration's six-foot-two-inch, 225-pound juggler vanished along with that lovely set of snowy-white angel wings heretofore borne so primly by our President...
...Earle Fox, is suffering inexplicable persecution for the superbly Christian gesture he made at the funeral of a sixteenyear-old murder victim...
...Marvin Mandel gloried in some of the best news they have received in months when Mr...
...Where it all will end can only be guessed, but the persecution of the poor man is a chilling reminder of how little we have progressed from the hysterical 1950s...
...Lance's case other than the discovery that few things could do more violence to public trust in government than televised sessions of the U.S...
...Alas, too late it was discovered that Bell & Howell had no such airplanes...
...The Pine Bluff Commercial has donated $1,000 to a fundraising drive for a monument so that Pine Bluff will have a "smiling Martha Mitchell to remember and live up to...
...Ella was not in the casket...
...In Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, King Khalid delivered up a royal bull admonishing men who look "sissyish" and women who reveal their knees that they face "intense suffering" from the country's "religious police...
...RET The American Spectator November 1977...
...Mercer was apparently stricken while viewing "Orgy of Pain" in a private booth at the Denmark Bookstore, one of Milwaukee's most exclusive oases of adult entertainment...
...Lance vamoosed into the Georgia back country on September 21, and a week later the pundits were still gravely sending up vapor about the Lance Affair...
...Senate...
...Soon a woebegone Mr...
...Lance's wrongs...
...In the Hudson River Psychiatric Center at Saugerties, New York, the laugh was on the grieving family of Ella Shaw as its members gathered around Mrs...
...Loyal backers of Maryland's Mr...
...Mr...
...The exhibit's creator, Mr...
...All that can be said for sure is that members of the Shaw family will think twice before they again trudge up to Saugerties...
...Shaw's casket to pay their last respects...
...Armando Bando, was laughing uproariously in the back of his truck when they spied him lynching two female dogs with his mail straps...
...And, lest we Americans chortle, bear in mind that in Ocean Beach, New York, a young man charged with eating a chocolate chip cookie in public went on trial on September 3 for violating the village's ordinance against eating in public...
...The hospital replies that Miss Lepley is unfit to be masculated...
...In East Haddam, Connecticut, an Episcopal priest, the Rev...
...From Nairobi, Kenya, come reports that three Ugandans—the country's surviving playwright, the director of its national theater, and an official of its Ministry of Culture—were executed for participating in a play that Ugandan officials judged insulting toward His Excellency, Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada, perhaps the world's leading proponent of socialist realism...
...Mercer's custom to lock his door, and he was a somewhat corpulent individual...
...Others are calling on the local Episcopal bishop to deny Fr...
...Father Fox, a modern cleric whose only vice is that he believes in people, attempted to help mourners at the girl's funeral "to give up their hostilities...
...Midway through all this grandiose bunk, Mr...
...In a city devoted to such artifices as the full employment budget and our ponzi-like social security system questions of malversation rapidly lose definition...
...Nor is there much agreement as to what might have been gained from Mr...
Vol. 11 • November 1977 • No. 1
