The Continuing Crisis
THE CONTINUING CRISIS - Proof that Senator Barry Goldwater has not lost his old capacity to foozle verbally came on August 5 when the infamous 1964 Republican standard-bearer, while speaking in...
...Yet now that they have seen what the Gallic potion can do to a double-knit leisure suit it will be the rare Carter aide who will get near one...
...The East German government again apprehended a man who repeatedly has climbed the Berlin Wall, going from West to East...
...Pepper...
...Wilson's cat due process when they dispatched it with a shotgun blast after arresting it for loitering...
...Peter Bourne, Bert Lance, and Miss Midge Costanza, the spunky Rochester, New York, intellectual who gained such distinction for her sapient public statements and for sending Mr...
...Andrew Young, Dr...
...The men's category went to Adolph Hitler, providing fresh evidence that Watergate is behind us...
...The convicted murderer of Dr...
...The passion had forced Dr...
...Bourne to issue a bogus drug prescription to hide the identity of an emotional wreck on his staff, an act of Christian charity for which he was hounded from office...
...The birth itself was astonishing enough, hut a comment spotted roaming freely in the New York Times was even more amaiing: "new issues could be raised if and when it becomes possible to implant a fertilized egg in a third party—the rich might hire the poor to bear their children for them, or 'buy' embryos from someone whose genetic material they covet...
...I said 'IT WAS PERSON, TOM...
...Idi Amin Dada temporarily gave over the reins of government to his "senior wife," Medina, while he competed in an auto rally with his latest wife, Miss Sarah, who has been granted a special leave from her soldiering duties in Uganda's "Suicide Mechanized Regiment...
...Upon being introduced to the delicacy the boys no longer were so distressed when Georgetown hostesses refused to serve them Moon Pies with Dr...
...The figures Mr...
...And yet he wasn't fully informed...
...Yet how much energy could she expect from the author of the Declaration of Independence and from the owner of one of the few indoor commodes of his time—how anal, eh Midge...
...Carter memos suggesting such large thoughts as that White House staff members be required every three months to make visits to the Lincoln or Jefferson Memorials...
...Now this was a decidedly foolish and reckless statement, for anyone with any knowledge at all knows that an idiot is a mentally defective person with an intelligence quotient of less than 25...
...Under our President's leadership the dollar has finally dropped to its lowest level ever against-the Japanese yen...
...Martin Luther King, Jr., then went on to Washington to rehash before the House Select Committee on Assassinations his tale of woe and innocence, a tale that in sheer preposterosity and mental infirmity seems to make conspiracy buffs believe in it all the more...
...Those inclined to scoff at American education were given much to think about when the Ladies' Home Journal polled high-school students as to which man and which woman "have done the most damage in the world...
...The White House has sunk a quarter-inch in the last 30 years...
...Finally, those Carter administration officials who became so tumescent with hope wobbled when our President vetoed a military authorization bill...
...According to figures released in August, unemployment in July only rose from 5.7 percent to 6.2 percent, and the inflation rate for the first half of the year was held to only 10.4 percent...
...In a peculiar public statement the East German government demanded that the man be put in an insane asylum...
...Our President is dedicated to eliminating the three-martini lunch, filthy or deceitful language, strong spirits at White House dinners...
...As an unidentified presidential assistant remarked, "Ah'd sooner kiss a pig thun tech one of them thengs...
...In the middle of August one thousand or more Elvis Presley fans invaded Washington...
...Carter's Georgia mafia...
...Amid a pother of conflicting opinion, Lesley Brown of Bristol, England, gave birth to the world's first test-tube baby...
...THE CONTINUING CRISIS • Proof that Senator Barry Goldwater has not lost his old capacity to foozle verbally came on August 5 when the infamous 1964 Republican standard-bearer, while speaking in Chattanooga, Tennessee, referred to our President as "an idiot...
...Does Senator Goldwater actually think he can attribute the lowest classification of mental deficiency—lower than imbecile or moron—to the man who has lured to public service such lights as Hamilton Jordan, Jody Powell, Jerry Rafshoon, the Rev...
...On August 1, Mr...
...In Chicago, Illinois, Mrs...
...Hamilton Jordan, the President's likable factotum, was assaulted whilst at a Georgetown soirée by an unidentified guest wielding chocolate mousse, the expensive French dessert that, of late, has been all the rage with Mr...
...RET 2 The American Spectator October 1978...
...Peter Bourne, his expert on drug abuse who on July 20 fell victim to our country's hysterical and hypocritical passion against the mentally ill...
...The Rev...
...In Chile the inflation rate hovers at 67 percent...
...Populism triumphs...
...Nonetheless, he will miss the shrewd intelligence of Dr...
...Our President counsels with people of this inestimable quality often, and yet Senator Goldwater calls him an idiot...
...Domingo Osario, 22, who lost both arms in a subway accident eleven years ago, was arrested in New York for allegedly driving a getaway car...
...There they petitioned their government to make a national holiday of the birthday of this remarkable artiste, who rose up from the musty swales of Tupelo, Mississippi, and gained enormous cultural distinction before dying suddenly and tragically as he sat alone, valiantly straining on a Tennessee toilet...
...Is it possible that there exists such a dupe in the Republic as would believe that President Carter—a speed-reader who plows through thousands, perhaps millions, of pages of meaningless documents a day while listening to a ceaseless concert of taped classics and smiling —is actually mentally equal or inferior to a child of two years...
...Our President's intelligence is twice, perhaps three times, that of an idiot...
...On July 23, Miss Lillian had a 25-minute audience with Pope Paul VI, and three weeks later he died...
...Two hundred residents of Rockland, Massachusetts, came to a furious boil when they discovered that a California-based restaurant chain intended to open what one Rocklander claimed would become a "time bomb," namely: a restaurant called "Sambo's...
...On August 10, Mr...
...IT WAS PERSON...
...In yet another example of the sensitivity of the capitalist system, the chain has decided not to go ahead with the restaurant under its aforementioned designation but to rename the eatery, "The Jolly Tiger...
...Piotrowski, claiming that he used unnecessary force to prevent the crime...
...President Carter graduated from the Naval Academy, he is a former governor of the largest state east of the*Mississippi River, and he is the devoted husband of Rosalynn Carter, known and reverenced throughout Washington as "the steel magnolia...
...When Senator Goldwater put his foot in his mouth this time he sank it all the way down to his esophagus...
...and in Hastings, Minnesota, Timothy Wilson was awarded $5,040 because city officials in nearby Egan failed to give Mr...
...Lillian Kopp, 69, became the first human to be interred in Paw Print Gardens, a pet cemetery owned by Miss Patricia Blosser, founder of the National Association of Pet Cemeteries...
...As she herself had percipiently exclaimed to two astonished drunks on the night of her visit: "He was so brilliant...
...In Peculiar, Missouri, the police chief of that booming metropolis was arrested on charges of statutory rape and crime against nature...
...And the Washington-to-Atlanta Southern Crescent with Amy Carter aboard killed a youth as it passed through High Point, North Carolina...
...Earl Kilgore, the robbery suspect shot and wounded by his intended victim, Mr...
...New York Governor Hugh Carey, First Lady Rosalynn Carter, and, of course, Senator Edward Kennedy, America's ceremonial Catholic, journeyed to Rome for the August 12 burial of a pontiff who was especially beloved by the poor, the hungry, the sick, and the superrich...
...This last idea came to her after she had sought to "reenergize" herself during her own visitation to the Jefferson Memorial at 4 a.m...
...A would-be robber caused such hilarity when he entered an East Norwich, Long Island, Howard Johnson's with his undershirt pulled over his head, and his blubbery belly drooping floorward, that the 25 hee-hawing patrons and employees were unable to cooperate, and the clown vamoosed to a chorus of guffaws...
...Didier Beytrison, a Swiss youth arrested last May when he tried to enter the White House and who was described by his mother as being "a fanatical follower" of our President, died instantly when he drove his motor scooter into a lamp post...
...And in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Mr...
...Fortunately on August 9 the Times went on strike...
...ISN'T IT IRONIC THAT IT TOOK A WOMAN TO BE REENERGIZED RIGHT HERE ?' " More ironic still is the fact that but a few short weeks after this reenergizing orgy Miss Costanza resigned...
...Jesse Jackson advanced the mysterious imprisonment of James Earl Ray as evidence of the legitimacy of Andrew Young's claim that there exists a host of political prisoners in America...
...and the women's category went to Anita Bryant...
...Moreover, as he notified North Carolina tobacco growers in August, he is determined "to make the smoking of tobacco even more safe than it is today...
...Carter had used in justifying his heroic veto were not in the authorization bill and could only be found in a similar but disparate appropriations bill—a fact little noticed by our national press but confirmed to this great journal by Congressman Samuel Stratton (D., NY...
...OKAY TOM...
...Mr...
...William Piotrowski, has filed suit against Mr...
...According to the authoritative Washington Post "Style" section, Miss Costanza, whose special responsibility for minorities earned her the unspoken title of White House Minister to the Kooks, remarked: "every time I came across 'man' or 'men' I changed it mentally...
Vol. 11 • October 1978 • No. 10
