The Continuing Crisis
THE C O N T I N U I N G CRISIS _9 April 16 to May 22. The village sorcerer of Alencon, France, was murdered as he slept in his cabin, despite the presence of magic potions too numerous to...
...Thomas, whose liver let him down in 1953, has never been commemorated in Westminster Abbey's Poets Corner, a discovery that caused Mr...
...On the evening of May 8, some 45 million Americans passed over "Race with the Devil," which was carried on another network, and watched ex-President Richard Nixon sweat through his rendition of the Watergate scandal...
...The next day the director of the Cincinnati city parks made it official--that twenty-year-old bald cypress, planted for Mr...
...Not until April 20 did California authorities admit her 1972 will stipulating that she be buried in her best lace nightgown and seated "at a comfortable angle" in her 1964 Ferrari...
...Valine retired from the garbage-collecting profession whe,i employers gave him "a hard time" for dressing up like a bunny and giving children on his route "treats" during the Easter season...
...9 An infirmity known to the medical corps as Ludwig's angina has claimed the life of Mr...
...9 Congratulations are in order for Miss Debbie Brand of Hopkin, Missouri, who has been named National Pork Queen of the entire United States...
...A week later Mr...
...The angina, known to the layman as a toothache, could have been thwarted had Willie, always somewhat the narcissist, allowed the tooth to be extracted...
...Miss Leigh Sharon, known as the Vampire Girl on the burlesque circuit where she has charmed aficionados by performing from a casket, has arrived in Washington hoping to prove "to the President that stripping can be a classy business"--an undertaking that should prove easy if she has room in her casket for "A Child's Christmas in Wales...
...Robert Daniel Lover, pastor of Greensboro, North Carolina's Canaan Land Tabernacle Church and used-car dealer, has been arrested for soliciting female customers at his used-car lot to engage in prostitution...
...Yet, as his griefstricken mother observed, he "always had nice white pretty teeth," and so Willie is an angel...
...However, both car and carcass will be enclosed "in a wooden crate to preserve human dignity...
...Caddell urged President Carter to conduct a "continuing political campaign" and above all to avoid the dangerous lure of substance...
...Miss Brand insists that she will not be another do-nothing Pork Queen, and has promised to tour the country elucidating her thesis that pork is a meat "high in protein and thiamine...
...Thereupon the convention commenced a two-hour debate over a move to prohibit smoking on the convention floor...
...If Detroit already had such a statute, and if the statute were sufficiently aged, these perpetual grumblers would be demanding martial law for the Motor City...
...A two-yearold boy in Torquay, England, swelled to twice his size when he devoured four pounds of yeast dough while his mother slept on their kitchen table...
...9 The American experience at self-government continues to edify the world...
...Dylan Thomas, the lyrical Welsh rummy who is Mr...
...Nixon in 1968 in Cincinnati's Presidential Park, is officially dead, a victim of frostbite...
...Ray Valine, a former garbage collector, has shaved his head and is renting space thereon to advertisers...
...Even Judge David L. Bazelon, the celebrated Washington jurist who has dedicated his life to certifying felonious assault as a constitutional right, has not been heard from--though a New Jersey court did award an $8,000 settlement to a high school girl who lost a braid during a classroom "misunderstanding...
...9 The hearts of many old Washington hands were gladdened when a strategy memorandum from political adviser Patrick Caddell was leaked to the New York Times...
...they will be open twentyfour hours a day and patrolled by Federal marshals...
...Meldrim Thomson, when they demonstrated against construction of the Seabrook nuclear power plant...
...Federal funds can finally be appropriated for developing a cure for various kinds of hangover and cirrhosis...
...Bob Dylan...
...Thomas is interred, and on!y Prime Minister James Callaghan's warnings that the President's arrival there might rouse demonstrations among Welsh nationalists dissuaded our leader...
...Even this eventuated in naught...
...Soon the frustrated aesthete was planning to take his crusade to the South Wales fishing village where Mr...
...Carter a vast anxiety during his VIP tour of that ancient edifice...
...The village sorcerer of Alencon, France, was murdered as he slept in his cabin, despite the presence of magic potions too numerous to mention, a decapitated bird, and a hanged dog...
...And despite anthropologist Leo Srole's disclosure to the American Psychiatric Association that New Yorkers are in much better mental health than twenty years ago, Bella Abzug let slip her intention to run for mayor anyway...
...The ERA is in critical condition in many states, and these daughters of liberty in convention assembled demanded a cut-off of federal funds to all states not sufficiently servile to the feminist imperative...
...Greenwood's advocates were whipped into a veritable frenzy by oratorical explosions from the Hon...
...Sandra Ilene West, who dropped off March 10...
...9 In Detroit the National Organization for Women held its tenth annual hollering jamboree at a scary time for man-haters all over the Republic...
...Actually Justice McComb's predicament has induced a weird silence throughout the judicial domain...
...9 President Jimmy Carter flew to England for an economic summit, and proved he is not to be put down as a tube philistine by carrying on-perhaps somewhat e x c e s s i v e l y - - o v e r Mr...
...So, for that matter, is Mrs...
...Nixon quoted Mario Puzo's masterpiece The Godfather and colored his portraiture of Mao with examples of the immortal butcher's "incomparable humor," two specimens of which were enough to convince viewers that the world has not seen such a wag since Stalin...
...His first move was to "personally recommend" the poet to the Abbey's Archdeacon, and when that tactic produced only an embarrassed silence he promised to "pray for his soul if you'll memorialize him...
...signed regulations forever banning discrimination against 35 million disabled Americans, 10 million alcoholics, and 1.5 million drug addicts...
...Government contracts and water projects should be taken away...
...David Frost interviewed him on foreign policy, and those Americans who find it interesting to read breakfast cereal boxes were rewarded when the thirty-seventh President discoursed on Chairman Mao Tse-tung's famous "thoughts," the most challenging of which was, "Nothing is hard if one dares to scale the heights"--and we all know how much heights-scaling is done in the Orient's showcase of rugged individualism...
...Chester Greenwood, Esq., inventor of the ear muff...
...And the Rev...
...9 As the second interview progressed, Mr...
...In Sacramento, California, Mr...
...Never again will saloons be closed on Sunday...
...Further, the Federal government is now mandating "barrier free design," thus scotching Americans' primitive impulse to stare lasciviously every time a wheelchair approaches a flight of stairs or a public comfort station...
...Valine's clients include a steel company and a saloon frequented by state legislators...
...Willie Moore, who at 350 pounds was one of the most arresting attractions ever to roll down Miami Beach...
...On April 28 HEW panjandrum Joseph A. Califano, Jr...
...When I was a child my ears stuck out so far I was 6 years old before my parents knew whether I would walk or fly" - - a revelation cleverly timed to take advantage of the great groundswell of sympathy now abroad in the Republic for other disabled citizens...
...Stephen Gould, who allowed as how ear muffs had been crucial to his gestation as a statesman...
...9 In Cincinnati the garrulous Judge Fred Cramer, who designed and wore a blue denim judicial robe as a "way of communicating with young people," has fallen unusually silent since a California tribunal asked Supreme Court Justice Marshall McComb to retire for reasons of senility...
...A mob of Luddites and antiwar retreads were jailed by the progressive governor of New Hampshire, Mr...
...9 Finally, military experts are reluctant to say whether it was the increased firepower offered by a band of pygmies armed with bows and arrows or the arrival of a special purchase of $60,000 worth of Coca-Cola, but President Mobutu Sese Seko's loyalists seem to have beaten back an invasion of Cuban-trained Katangan gendarmes and preserved freedom and civilization in Zaire...
...Justice McComb had been given to alternately napping during court sessions and breaking into a pother of fitness exercises during which he would count lustily and loudly shout exhortations to himself...
...Carter's favorite poet next to Mr...
...RET 2 The Alternative: An American Spectator J u n e / J u l y 1977...
...As Miss Karen DeCrow declared, "Congress could vote to take away all federal funds from unratified states...
...So far Mr...
...Too many good people have been beaten because they tried to substitute substance for style," Mr...
...Caddell asserted without divulging any recent casualties...
...In what has already become one of the Carter Administration's most notable state papers, Mr...
...The Maine House of Representatives solemnly debated whether December 21 will be set aside to honor Mr...
...sick leave will be extended to sufferers from delirium tremens, overdose, and withdrawal symptoms...
Vol. 10 • June 1977 • No. 9
