EAR Goes to Peking
Nollson, John
Kennelly came around before he was mayor. And one of the regular customers was Steve Kolinowski, the chief deputy coroner. He would thrill customers with accounts of the latest body to be...
...But there wasn't a glass in his hand...
...Speaking to the Peking University Club, Idi revealed an unsuspected grasp of world lit...
...He worked in a grocery store, but he pulled one robbery a week...
...EAR can hardly believe its eyes...
...It's not generally known, but the President's mother, Mizz Lillian, hushhushed it into Peking on the way back from the funeral of the President of India...
...Why should I? Listen, this place was good to us...
...EAR was surprised to hEAR that the Chinese think they have Commocommunism...
...26 The Alternative: An American Spectator April 1977 Well, the latest delegation from Columbia Teachers College has just returned from a tour of the countryside, oohing and ahing over the upbeat mood in the rural labor camps...
...Everywhere you look, people are wEARing Mao jackets...
...Atta boy, Idi...
...The agent got t~3~talking to my[ father, and when my father told him about putting his kids through school, and some sickness in tile family, the agent said he didn't believe in closing up family joints...
...and Bill Holden are definitely in town...
...What's behind the big shakeup at the Minhstry of Defense...
...We got our beer from the Touhy gang...
...The social evil of Prohibition closed a lot of bars, but not Swastek's...
...The striped one blew into town as part of Exxon's new advertising campaign, "Oil for the Lamps of China...
...It seems that during his trip to the Middle Kingdom last fall, Jim Schlesinger filched one of China's mininukes---which he now uses for a paperweight...
...Coming right after his lightning acquisition of Izvestia, this new coup makes Murdoch the most powerful media figure in the East...
...Then they both fell over dead...
...It happened the the place in 1937, He died right behind night a young man named Jessie James Jackson came in...
...It's all hush-hush, but EAR suspects that Peking is about to become the 310th city to be awarded an NFL franchise...
...That used to be a drugstore and it had running fountain and goldfish swam in it...
...Good stuff, too...
...So I can't complain...
...Next to the junk shop was still another junk shop...
...And he ran the state's attorney, too...
...Now my son is a teacher and my-daughter is a nurse...
...Our biggest problem during Prohibition was Tubbo the cop, remember him...
...Copyright 1973 Mike Royko) ~o*~~176176176176176176176 John Nollson EAR Goes to Peking Chairman Hua's Labor Camp #5 7 is a must see, dahlinks, it's so divinely proletarian/ Yes, dEARies, isn't it super that EAR is on the ground in Peking...
...He recited from memory Robert Browning's dramatic monologue "The Bishop Orders his Tomb,, and then brought the house down by reading a particularly moving chapter from the Willa Cather classic Death Comes for the Archbishop...
...Speaking of movies, who did EAR bump into the other day but Prince Norodom Sihanouk himself--who's back into directing films...
...My father grabbed for a gun in the drawer and Jackson shot him four times...
...Hard rock is not so bad," reads the latest quotation...
...It's quieter now after the enormous blowout that welcomed the yEAR of the serpent...
...The irrepressible Idi Amin put the lie to rumors that he's an unlettered boor...
...But he has no complaints, now that it's all over...
...Daniel (Tubbo) Gilbert, a political badge who became known as the world's richest cop...
...Meanwhile, the whole town has been stood on its ear by the publication of a new quotation from the late, great Chairman Mao...
...In those days, he was in charge of the district station...
...So on down the street...
...Stanley looked out the window, at the store o'n the other corner~ I t s e l l s junk...
...EAR thinks this is the best news it has hEARd recently...
...EAR thinks Ed Gierek would be super if he's available...
...EAR thinks that Pete has gotten carried away with the prospects for the NFL here in China, but only time will tell...
...Can you believe it...
...Two of my brothers are doctors and another one is a lawyer...
...Don't breathe a word to a soul, 'sweethEARts, but EAR has it on the best of authority that Australian press lord Rupert Murdoch has acquired a controlling interest in People's Daily...
...They!re billing him as "Teng Hsaio-p'ing, the King of Swing...
...LEAR can't find anyone who's willing to play Mao's son-in-law, the meathead Polack...
...He could have retired on what he took from us...
...Well, EAR sure did get an EARful on the ideological f r o n t ! Seems that your reporter, just making small talk on the diplomatic circuit, asked whether Sinocommunism was more like Eurocommunism or more like Afrocommunism...
...This old bar has been good to us...
...This subscription will begin with the next issue...
...EAR's ear ached from the noise of gongs and firecrackers...
...EAR thinks it's hEARd that one before...
...The hot word is that he will direct Hua Kuo-feng, the male lead in the Dino DiLaurentis blockbuster remake, "Son of Fu Manchu...
...ZZ Top and Led Zeppelin have already signed on, EAR hEARs that the Beatles may appEAR together for the great event...
...From the Editors' prospectus for The Public Interest If you would like to receive copies of The Public Interest regularly, please fill out this form and mail it to The Public Interest...
...The way EAR hEARs it, the higher-ups are looking for a scapegoat...
...Well, sweethEARts, still no word on the still-missing body of former defense minister Lin Piao, and Judge Dee and Charlie Chan have been on the case for almost eight years...
...EAR will keep out of politics for a while...
...Capt...
...Big doings here on the medical front, darlings...
...Tony brought us up to date on the gas shortage back home...
...It seems that shortly before he died, the Chairman flip-flopped on the subject of hard rock...
...Stanley has run it since, and until a few years ago, it did its share of business...
...e the rage here in Peking...
...EAR thinks you should send back that mini-nuke right away ? Why is TV genius Norman LEAR poking around the Great Wall...
...Yves, s~ c,_ thEARt, you've done it again...
...His driver always wore two pearlhandled pistol s strapped to his hips...
...What's more, that's the first time EAR has ever been called a pale-faced running-dog imperialist...
...One year $9.50 [] Two years $18.00 Please print Name Address City State Zip Code The Alternative: An American Spectator April 1977 27...
...That used to be a teal estate agency...
...He ordered a bag of peanuts and when my father turned, he said it was a holdup...
...EAR can hardly wait...
...Wouldn't you know it, but EAR had lunch just yesterday with the Chinese Alex Haley, Kung Fu-tse, who has traced his ancestry back eighty generations and has learned that he is a direct descendant of Confucius...
...He would thrill customers with accounts of the latest body to be foundin a trunk...
...So he not only let us reopen, but he sold my father a load of bonded whiskey...
...EAR lEARns that China Broadcasting has also purchased exclusive Middle Kingdom rights to ABC's smash television series "Roots...
...He talked about the softball teams his tavern sponsored, the great feasts in the back room when the neighborhood men came back from hunting duck, deer, and picking mushrooms, the kids coming in for a pail of beer for their fathers, the many breweries that used to make beer in Chicago, the three-piece bands--accordion, piano, and drums--that played on Saturday nights...
...Stanley took over when his father died...
...It kicks off with that great classic "Love is a Many Splendored Thing...
...That means that the first anniversary of the Chairman's passing will be commemorated by a massive rock concert in People's Stadium...
...Well, the Friendship Hotel was the sight of one of the poshest gatherings this old town has seen since Kublai Khan decreed his stately pleasure dome back in the thirteenth century...
...Suzie Wong (or is it France Nuyen, EAR is forever forgetting which is the actress and which is the character...
...Federal Prohibition agents closed the place once...
...reasonably propounded...
...oSet~ o I~ach~t ~ SoP ~ I"UDIlC , r a . , ' - _9 \ platonic idea;here tout g::e~ \ of di s of opinion...
...I guess you EARwigs back in the States are really freezing your lobes off...
...How's that for cheek...
...Mizz Lillian, bless her hEARt, sho nuff do play hardball, yes ma'am...
...My father made the proper arrangements with the politicians and we kept operating...
...Mao will join the sublime Jackie O. on the editorial staff of Viking Press...
...EAR hEARs that China Broadcasting has signed him on to do a series on Chairman Mao's last days, with special attention to the role of Madame Mao...
...He'd come in here and if we took in $10, he figured his share was $20...
...Then he headed for the door and my father shot him four times...
...I went, too, but I liked this business...
...EAR can't...
...For years he ran the state's attorney's police...
...EAR can ~it least scotch the rumor that Mrs...
...It's on again, o f f again, as far as the much-traveled Teng Hsiao-p'ing is concerned...
...It's a must see, darlings, it's so divinely proletarian...
...the mahogany bar...
...EAR was just bowled over by its visit to Chairman Mao's Reform Through Labor Camp #57...
...The Public Interest Box 542 Old Chelsea Post Office New York, N.Y...
...EAR would love to see a PEARl Buck Week, but the powers-that-be here are really down on PEARl...
...Talk about the work ethic...
...And, loverlies, that is thirty from the Forbidden City...
...At Peking's famous movie house--the Chinese Theater, where else, dahlinks, where all the great heroes of the Revolution have had their heads put in cement--they're hard at work on their great revival series...
...Why has Pete Rozelle been closeted with the higher-ups of the Ministry of Sport for the past four days...
...No wonder he was the world's richest cop...
...It was Exxon's welcoming party for Tony the Tiger...
...Too bad that Stash Radziwill isn't with us anymore...
...EAR would give its eye teeth for an exclusive interview with the widow Mao, but she's dropped out of sight...
...Tubbo liked to lean on the mahogany bar...
...Natch, it's going to be called "All in the Family...
...But that turned out for the hest...
...Solid mahogany, and they don't make them like ,they used to...
...10011 Please open the following subscription to The Public Interest and bill me...
...It will be seen all over China, part of a whole new effort to identify with the Third World...
...Teng Hsiao-p'ing, do your thing...
...EAR thinks of you often, Stash...
...you've sta, tcd a whole new craze...
...Until he knows whether he gets back his old job in the new Administration, he's been working with a small jazz combo, playing all the right weddings...
...they'll never believe it back in Paris, but "," i.,t...
...He was a family man himself...
...But now it is dark outside and the first good cash customer hasn't come in the door...
...EAR thinks the Third World is absolutely divine...
...Laurent'.s new peasant look has...
...Ah, Confucius say...
...EAR hEARs that the First Mother is into acupuncture, and will bring back a complete set of gold acupuncture needles to stick into Rosalynn...
...Yes, dEARies, you can't keep a good man down...
...Rozelle was here on People's Liberation Army Day and, according to a reliable informant, blew his mind when he hEARd the sound of a million Chinese chanting in unison, "deelense, dee-lense...
...Take that, Benny Goodman...
...Shame on you Jim...
...My father managed to put us all in college...
...Now, here's a hot item...
Vol. 10 • April 1977 • No. 7
